Chinese guy | Speaking of China

Ask the Yangxifu: Waiting to Marry a Chinese Man

waiting girl — A girl must wait three years before marrying her long-time Chinese boyfriend. Will he marry her when time is up? (photo by Vinícius Sgarbe)

Waitingbride asks:

Im 29, into a 5yrs realationship with a chinese man,whom i really love and want to be with the rest of my life,but the problem is that his parents does’nt want a non-Chinese for him,although he promise me that he will fight for me and build a family together in a right time,he asked me to wait 3 more years coz his father was passed away one year ago..and its a tradition..he told me that we will face the problem together regarding his family after that,besides he told me that he can fight for me coz he has enough savings and stable job and he dont need there family wealth incase his mother unrecognized him,he has his own investment too,I know how much he loves me but some times i feel so depressed coz im not getting younger anymore,i want to have a baby and family,many questions comes on my mind…what if i wait then nothing happens,sometimes i feel so lonely especially if theres an occassion and he cant stay any longer coz his relatives might caught him having a relationship wd me,i realy love him and i know he loves me too and he loves also my family…i am afraid and sometimes tired and wanna give up of waiting but i realy love him.my family and friends pressuring me why we’re not planning marriage 5yrs is enough they said, everytime i heard that i pity my self,ang cried ,pls give me advice, Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Waiting to Marry a Chinese Man”

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Ask the Yangxifu: Showing Chinese Men You’re “Not Interested”

A woman holds her hand up, as if to say "no thanks" — How do you show a Chinese man you're just not that into him? Jocelyn offers some ideas to show, not tell, that you're nothing more than friends.

No Chance asks:

There’s a Chinese guy at my work who I’ve hung out with, but I never considered us more than just friends. I was about 60% sure that he liked me, but for various reasons I had my doubts.

One night, a seemingly casual dinner ended up being (apparently) a date. After reading some of this site, I realize that apparently I’ve been pretty ignorant of Chinese culture and how he probably has seen all of this as dating. (I’m an American woman.) He did later confess his feelings for me, and told him that I wasn’t interested in anything more than friendship. I’ve been pretty upfront with him about how I feel, and he claims that he doesn’t feel led on, but I think he thinks that I’m suppressing feelings for him. Because I still have a lot of respect for him, I want to be sensitive to his confession, but how do I show him that there really is no chance? I feel like he is not listening to me or doesn’t believe me. Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Showing Chinese Men You’re “Not Interested””

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Ask the Yangxifu: Meet Chinese Men After Online Chat?

Online chat in China — What's the motivation for Chinese men to meet foreign women online? And should you meet up with him alone? (photo by Michaela Kobyakov)

ChatGirl asks:

Some of your advice to get out there and meet people led me to putting up an ad on a Chinese website. About 60 people added me to QQ in the last two days!

There is someone I have been speaking to from online that I did a video chat with and I really liked him but he is in Shanghai and wanted to meet in Hangzhou but I felt unsafe going to a city I don’t know so well with no other friends there to meet a stranger.

I hear a lot of bad things about online dating in China, that not so many Chinese do it. I was actually only looking for friends and not boyfriends or to fall in love or anything like that but I can’t imagine the men I meet will have the same expectation. And then maybe some are just contacting me because they think foreign women are easy?

So my question is: what do you or John think the motivation is for Chinese men contact girls on such a website? Do you think there is any chance for a geniune person to be looking for not just an English teacher or a ticket to another country or amusement because you are different? And is it safe to meet someone without friends present even if they look harmless (and cute)? Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Meet Chinese Men After Online Chat?”

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Ask the Yangxifu: Cheating with a Married Chinese Man

DangerousLiaisons asks:

I’m a 24 year old American woman with a problem — I’m having an affair with a married Chinese man. I didn’t want to get involved with someone who is married, but he and I just have this amazing connection, and chemistry. The thing is, I know he has a child, but he tells me he loves me and enjoys being together with me.

I’m worried about what other people might think of us, as I think some of my coworkers know. I also wonder if there’s any chance we might actually be able to be together (he once talked about leaving his wife), and if we’d ever be accepted as a real couple. What do you think?

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When it comes to extramarital affairs in China, you’re not alone. According to the 2010 study by Zhang, approximately 15 percent of Chinese men and 5 percent of Chinese women have affairs.

Historically, Chinese men used to have the right to multiple partners, even purchasing concubines that would live together with their wife. That’s an illegal practice now, but that doesn’t stop men from looking for an ernai (mistress) to support on the side. For many Chinese men, mistresses are still a status symbol, just like their Mercedes or BMW.

Should your coworkers know, they probably won’t be surprised. Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Cheating with a Married Chinese Man”

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Ask the Yangxifu: The Word “Love” and Chinese Men

"Love" written in neon orange and pink — If a Chinese man tells you "love" or "love you," does it always mean what you think it does?

Confusedoverlove asks:

I am an American girl living in China and feel extremely confused about this one Chinese guy I started spending time with. I started developing feelings for him, but tried to keep my feelings to myself because it was so hard to read him and tell if he really liked me. He treats me just like a regular friend for the most part, and most of the time if we spend time together, it’s with other people. But recently I noticed he’s been signing e-mails to me with “Love”. His English isn’t perfect but it’s not bad and I just keep wondering if this really means something. What do you think? Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: The Word “Love” and Chinese Men”

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Memoirs of a Yangxifu: Most Popular Posts

Chinese husband and Western wife getting married in China — What were the most popular (or in some cases, embarrassing 😉 ) moments from Memoirs of a Yangxifu?

Memoirs of a Yangxifu was the story of love, cultural understanding and eventual marriage between one American woman from the city and one Chinese man from the countryside.

What were the top 10 most popular moments, by views?

Chapter 72: Private Parts in China. An embarrassing afternoon of trying to get my — well, you know — checked out.
Chapter 1: My Heart is Shut Away, My Chinese Boyfriend is Gone. As I took a weekend trip, to escape the muggy summer heat and a painful breakup, little did I know I was heading towards my future husband.
Chapter 8: John is my Chinese Boyfriend. The night by the West Lake, when John and I officially become a couple. Continue reading “Memoirs of a Yangxifu: Most Popular Posts”

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Epilogue: The Destiny to Marry in China

Western woman and Chinese man marry in Shanghai — Six years ago today, John and I registered our marriage. Today, I look back on the series, Memoirs of a Yangxifu, and also announce a new posting schedule

In China, lovers are often said “to have the destiny to meet across one thousand li.” For my Chinese husband, John, and I, it wasn’t just one thousand li — it was ten thousand li.

Distance, of course, is all relative.

I grew up in the suburbs of Cleveland, Ohio, and John in the countryside of Zhejiang Province. I knew the distance between us, something around 8,000 or more English miles apart (almost 13,000 kilometers). But this kind of distance, where separation is measured by miles, by continents, is as meaningless as the “Model Unit” plaques adorning work units all over China.

So what is it that can turn a thousand li into ten thousand?

I wrote the series Memoirs of a Yangxifu to explore this idea, to look at what it took for one Western woman and one Chinese man to overcome the distance — cultural, mental, even physical — to become a couple. Continue reading “Epilogue: The Destiny to Marry in China”

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Ask the Yangxifu: How Chinese Men Can Approach Western Women in China

Xiaoheng asks:

Are there any good suggestion on Chinese men how to approach western women? I think I need some advices which are useful for stengthening the communication, understading and respect between two persons from different culture and nationality. Especially I consider that respect the personality is very important to strengthen the relationship between Chinese men and western women. Because, Chinese culture are basically collectivism and western culture are individuallism. Multiculture communication is very important in this part, because I am interested in the multiculture stuff. So that would be very helpful. How do Chinese men respect the western women? I am currently in this situation of looking for my love and look forward to your suggestions. Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: How Chinese Men Can Approach Western Women in China”

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Ask the Yangxifu: Gifts for the Qixi Festival (Chinese Valentine’s Day)

How do you say I love you — with a gift — on Qixi Festival, also know as the Chinese Valentine’s Day? (photo by Crystal Leigh Shearin)

NOTE: Find newer recommendations in my post Qixi Festival: Popular Gifts, Celebrations for the Chinese Valentine’s Day.

A Valentine asks:

Hi! I’m a Western girl in love with a Chinese guy. I am going to stay in China the whole summer, taking a language course, just to be close to him.

I am wondering, will it be okay if I give him a present on Qixi Festival as a way of expressing my feelings towards him?

Any present suggestions? Maybe something I can bring from the West? Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Gifts for the Qixi Festival (Chinese Valentine’s Day)”

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Ask the Yangxifu: Apologizing to Daughter’s Chinese Boyfriend

Apology to Chinese — A woman asks for advice on how to apologize to her daughter

I’m Sorry asks:

My college age daughter is in new but fairly serious relationship with a sweet young Chinese man here in the US. I’m concerned because they have not yet told his parents of the relationship. I questioned him about this omission he has stated that he will tell them but in his own time and in his own way. I then asked (perhaps a little too bluntly) if he felt his parents (who are very traditional) might have issues with him dating a non-Asian woman with divorced parents. As soon as I asked the question, I tried to apologize realizing that I had offended him. He denies this of course, being the soul of politeness, but I can tell that he was somewhat taken aback by my bluntness in addressing the issue. I would like to offer an apology in a more formal way and some sort of gift to express my remorse and embarrassment. What would be appropriate way to do this and what could I give as a gift to smooth things over? Thank you. Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Apologizing to Daughter’s Chinese Boyfriend”

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