Chinese guy | Speaking of China

Ask the Yangxifu: The Back-to-School Edition

A hand drawing on a piece of paper with a pencil — Are you gearing up for the first day of school or a new semester? Enjoy these Ask the Yangxifu columns with questions from college students. (photo by Michael Lorenzo)

Because I’m heading back to the US and moving back into my place (what was I thinking, doing all this in one week?), I’m running some classic content today. Don’t worry — I’ll be back next week, promise!

For my Chinese husband, it’s that time of the year all over again — textbooks, registration, getting his lost student ID replaced. Are you gearing up for the first day of school or a new semester? Enjoy these Ask the Yangxifu columns with questions from college students.

Indirect Dating and Chinese Men. This classic column — which explores how to tell when he’s interested — came from a graduate student in an international program.

Chinese Student Wants to Approach American Brunette. Readers cheered when a Chinese student got the courage to talk with a girl who worked in his university department’s office.

Getting a Chinese Foreign Student to Notice You. Chinese men, take heart — who says study abroad means four lonely years? Especially when you have readers like this, wondering how to capture the heart of a Chinese foreign student.

Do you have a question about life, dating, marriage and family in China/Chinese culture (or Western culture)? Every Friday, I answer questions on my blog. Send me your question today.

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Featured in Global Times Article: On the Fast Track to Love

Champagne glasses, toasting at the beach — The Global Times featured me in a recent article titled "On the Fast Track to Love." (photo by Roger Kirby)

I’m on the fast track back to the US (I’ll be hopping a plane back there on Tuesday, August 16). That’s why I’m late to tell you about my latest appearance in the news — a Global Times article titled On the Fast Track to Love, a story about cross-cultural speed dating. Here are a few quotes from me in the article:

For some, the attraction comes from an interest in their partner’s culture. “I’ve always felt more comfortable in the company of Chinese men, since their culture is more in tune with who I am,” US born Jocelyn Eikenburg, an English/Chinese translator who married a Chinese man and blogs about intercultural relationships, said, adding that she’s actually “incredibly shy and not so direct with people.”

…

For many Westerners, saying “I love you” is a big step in a relationship, a sign that you are really serious and invested; while love is usually implied among Chinese couples through actions such as sending you all the way to the door of your apartment, Eikenburg said.

“When Chinese do verbalize their feelings, they tend to use softer terms than what we are used to, such as ‘I like you’ because the word for love packs quite a punch in Chinese,” she added. “Not surprisingly, many Chinese with foreigners actually feel more comfortable saying ‘I love you’ in a foreign language.”

Check out the full article online. And if you love it, share it. Thanks!

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Ask the Yangxifu: My Chinese Husband Cares About Money Too Much

A pile of US 100 and 50 dollar bills — An American woman with a penny-pinching Chinese husband wonders, is it normal for Chinese men to be very thrifty? (photo by Tracy Olson)

Pinched asks:

I don’t know if this will sound weird to you, but are Chinese men in general *very* thrifty with money? It’s interesting to me that before my husband and I were married, he really doted on me and practically bought me anything and everything if I even just said “oh look at this, how nice.” (Of course, I was always saying, “No, I don’t want you to *buy* it, I was just thinking out loud!”) But now that we’re in the US and married, he’s turned into a real penny-pincher. I get the idea that money in the bank is worth more than even happy memories sometimes. Don’t get me wrong, I totally think saving money is wise and the right thing to do, it’s just that he seems overly concerned about money all the time. I even overheard him telling his older sister (who is also very “thrift”) on the phone one day how much money we have and how much [I] spend… that really upset me and I told him so, and he acted clueless as to what he had done wrong. I tried to explain that in American culture, one family’s money matters are not to be discussed with another’s. I know that Chinese are a lot more “saving” than Americans are, and I think money is very important to them… like my husband once said to me, “You know, Chinese think wasting is like a sin.” And I admire a lot of that aspect of their culture, and have learned a lot from it. But I guess I place more value on enjoying life than counting my pocketbook. 😛

It just bothers me how whenever we go shopping or buy something or want to do something, my husband complains about how much this or that costs, almost as if it was the most important thing in life. My friends and family think he’s so weird because of it. And it’s almost impossible for me to explain cultural differences to people who have never experienced the culture in China. When they want us to go do things with them on a whim, like go watch a movie, my husband will say he’d rather stay home and watch one and save the money and gas. Which is totally okay with me, really, it’s just that when we were dating he would do anything with me without hesitation.

I was just really surprised how he changed a lot when we came to the States… I am SO proud of him for getting jobs and working hard and I really do not mean to complain. I just wanted to get your take on this, and see if there’s something you can suggest to me in responding to my husband in a way that he knows I both care about him and saving money. When he’s worried about finances, and I try to smooth things over by saying, “Honey we’re fine, everything will be alright,” he gets upset and says that because I just don’t care, or something to that effect.

I think it’s the US economy and how expensive everything is here that burdens him. I’m just not sure how to help. We are NOT struggling financially, in fact, we’re doing surprisingly well. But according to Chinese standards for some reason it’s not good enough. I have a feeling some of my husband’s frustration stems from his family and friends “back home” constantly asking how much money he makes here and stuff like that. Maybe he’s trying to live up to their expectations? My husband is the youngest child and only boy in a family with 4 sisters. I understand there is some pressure on him. Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: My Chinese Husband Cares About Money Too Much”

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My Chinese Husband’s Cousin, Looking For a Western Wife to Brag About

Wang, my Chinese husband’s cousin, seemed to have it all. A lucrative job as a real estate developer. Two new BMWs. Expensive suits. Nothing about him suggested his countryside roots — the same mountain village as my husband, where people still planted their own rice paddies, used wood-burning stoves, and had free-range chickens scurrying in and out of their houses.

But when he volunteered his silver BMW sedan as our wedding car in 2007 (of course, he couldn’t help but boast “oh, if you had mentioned this sooner, I could have prepared my bigger and better BMW.”), he discovered he was missing the ultimate accessory of all — a Western wife.

“He told me he wanted to find a yangxifu,” my husband recalled. “He asked if we could introduce him to some Western women.”

But we didn’t. Sure, we didn’t know any single Western women in China, since by then we lived in the US for nearly two years. But even if we did, introducing them to Wang had the kind of cheap, mail-order-bride feel to it that no friend would get their friend into. After all, he didn’t really care who she was, so long as she was foreign.

It’s just like I read over a year ago in a study about What Western Women Think of Chinese Men:

Those [Chinese] men with Western girlfriends or wives will brag about them, as if these women were a BMW.

Wang already had two BMWs to show off, but no such Western wife — never thinking, of course, that a wife, any wife, should never become a man’s bling.

“People who think this way have no suzhi,” my husband said as he frowned, using the word that Chinese often use to refer to the quality of people — which, in this case, was not much at all. “They turn their wives into objects, and try to show they are better than others in such a low way.”

Still, Wang could have gone much lower, as we learned two years ago while visiting the Kaifeng Night Market. After we bought almond tea from a stall run by lanky twentysomething wearing a white kufi — the hat worn by the Muslim Hui minority in China — he nudged my husband. “Hey, do you think you could get me a foreign wife? I could buy her a house and a car.”

John grinned as he shook his head. “It’s not that simple. Western women have different expectations.”

Then the lanky guy leaned over and whispered something in my husband’s ear — which John told me about later. “He said his penis is very strong.”

What do you think about this?

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Ask the Yangxifu: Opposite-Sex Friendships in China

Man and Woman — An American woman wonders, can people of the opposite sex still be friends in China? (photo by Edwin Pijpe)

Eleanor asks:

I’ve recently befriended a Chinese student here in the US. I lived in China for 2 years and speak Chinese more or less fluently, but my grasp of Chinese friendship/dating culture is still pretty basic. He and I have talked about exploring the possibility of being more than friends, but both of us agreed to take more time to get to know each other just as friends for now and not to rush anything. I think there’s an obvious undercurrent of attraction between us, and I’m worried that if we decided we were unsuitable romantically that he would back off friendship-wise as well. In China, I didn’t see many opposite-sex friendships (besides with high school aged kids), and I worry if we don’t end up dating that I would lose him as a friend too. I like and respect this guy a lot, so I hope you can reassure me that our friendship can continue even if one of us finds someone else. Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Opposite-Sex Friendships in China”

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Ask the Yangxifu: Would a White Christian Girl Date Atheist Chinese Boy?

Image of a small wooden cross casting a shadow on the wall — A Chinese boy wants to date a white Christian girl at his school, but he's an atheist and she's serious about her religion. Could they ever be anything more than just friends? (photo by Colin Brough)

P asks:

I’m a Chinese student in an international school. I’m befriended with a white girl and I want to go out with her.

The thing is, she is Christian and she is very serious about her religion, like she goes to church every Sunday with her family and believes in God. And I am an atheist. She said she makes friends with other people regardless of their religion. But I wonder if it’s a different case when it comes to relationships. I don’t really want anyone of us to change belief, it’s hard to do that.

As many Chinese are atheist, agnostic or Buddhist, do you think that religion comes in the way of a relationship between Chinese men and Western women? And what should I do in my case? Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Would a White Christian Girl Date Atheist Chinese Boy?”

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Ask the Yangxifu: Why Does My Chinese Family Refuse My Gifts?

Gift box wrapped in silver paper with purple, blue and green stripes and a magenta bow — An American woman wonders why her Chinese in-laws seem upset every time she gives them a gift. Why do they always refuse what she buys for them? (photo by Irum Shahid)

Sam asks:

Recently, while I was at the grocery store, I saw a lovely bouquet of lilies. I thought they would look lovely in the kitchen, and decided to by them for my Chinese mother-in-law. I brought them home and put them in a vase. But when she came home and I told her they were for her, it seemed to stress her. She first tried to get me to say that they were just for myself, and then insisted that they were for the men in the house since Father’s Day had been the week before. We finally agreed that they were for everyone.

I can’t help but wonder if I did something wrong. My husband didn’t think so, but he’s been in the states for over 20 years now and isn’t always in the loop.

I had a similar experience when I came back from a trip. I had bought her a purse that I found on super-sale and thought she would like it. She kept on insisting that I would need it more than she would and that I should keep it for myself. It wasn’t until I told her I had bought myself something similar that she settled down and accepted it.

It is not uncommon for me to see something that I think a friend will like and buy it for them. Several times I’ve seen clothes that I know would fit my mother in law that would look good on her, but I am afraid I’ll terrify her or something. Do you have any insight? Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Why Does My Chinese Family Refuse My Gifts?”

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The Relationship Between Language and Falling in Love

Over dinner two weeks ago in Beijing, Melanie Gao — a fellow yangxifu and blogger — asked an interesting question. “What language do you have a better relationship in with your Chinese husband?”

I didn’t know what to say because John and I had always floated between English and Mandarin, as if the two languages together somehow became our hybrid “husband-wife” language. “Hmmmmm, I don’t know. It’s hard to decide between English and Chinese. Maybe our relationship is slightly better in English these days.”

But I never would have guessed Melanie’s answer. “My husband and I have a better relationship in Japanese.” Japanese? If John had been here, he (and the remnants of his anti-Japanese ideas) would have fallen over. “I think it’s because it’s another language for us. We both have to try hard to understand one another.”

Still, I remembered reading how Melanie met her husband in Chiba, Japan when they were foreign students there — and came to know him in Japanese. Which made me wonder about another explanation. “Maybe that’s because Japanese is the language you fell in love in.”

Does it matter in what language you fall in love with someone? The question followed me long after that dinner, as I recalled my different loves in China. Continue reading “The Relationship Between Language and Falling in Love”

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Ask the Yangxifu: Is Married Chinese Man Worth The Trouble?

Many junctions ahead road sign — A Western woman in a long-distance relationship with a married Chinese man faces a lot of trouble ahead in their relationship. Is it worth it?

White Lotus asks:

i have a long distance relationship with a married chinese man ..he has never been in love with his wife, they married because she was pregnant. He is a great man, a loving father. he wants to marry me after the divorce . I ‘m afraid i’d be a burden for him since it would be hard for me to get a job in China. I’m not a native speaker of English and despite being an English teacher in my country .. i think i won’t be able to get a teaching position ( i don’t have an internationally recognised degree in my cv). i don’t have other skills and i’m just starting to learn chinese.
Sometimes i think i should set his heart free before he gets the divorce and spare him the pain we might inflict to his daughter. He doesn’t earn a lot of money so it would be hard for him to support us while i’m looking for a job. He doens’t live in a big city so i think opportunities will be scarce.
it’s difficult for me cause i love him a lot… he is more confident than me saying that i can do it, that i will be able to find a job ..we have only one shot at love cause it’s taking me half a year to save the moneyi need to fly to china.

What job opportunities are there for me? Should i set his heart free? Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Is Married Chinese Man Worth The Trouble?”

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Ask the Yangxifu: My Chinese Boyfriend’s Parents Think We’re Unnatural

A white woman with Cleopatra-like blue eye makeup and a jewel on her forehead. — Her Chinese-American boyfriend's parents think their relationship is "unnatural" because she's older and taller than him (and not because she's white). How can she get them to like her? (photo by Shonna Clark)

Andrea asks:

I am very in love with a Chinese-American guy and he feels the same way about me. We have similar educations and world outlooks. I really feel like he might be “the one” for me. The problem is that when he introduced me to his family they had a strong objection to me. Although they said I was pretty and nice and spoke Chinese very well, they were not okay with the fact that I am four years older and two inches taller than him. (A classic case of jiedilian I suppose). They explained to him that our being together was “unnatural” and to prove their point cut him off financially until he found a more suitable girlfriend. I should also probably mention that I am white – but he has dated white girls before and they were okay with that so I don’t think that is the problem.

He is still very happy to be with me and told me not to worry and that they will “come around”. Prior to being with him I lived in mainland China for three years and am skeptical that they will learn to ignore the height and age different. What do you think is the best approach to winning them over? Should I ignore their feelings towards our relationship and just continue to be sweet and friendly (aka play dumb)? Should I try to bring it up with them somehow? Is there some special way to make them like me I haven’t thought about? Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: My Chinese Boyfriend’s Parents Think We’re Unnatural”

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