Ask the Yangxifu: Chinese Boyfriend a “Little Emperor?”

Little Emperor
Dating a Little Emperor? An American woman wonders what's up with her self-absorbed Chinese boyfriend.

The Emperor’s Girlfriend asks:

I’m an American who has lived in China for several years and has recently started dating a Chinese man (about 4 months ago).  I entered into the relationship somewhat hesitantly but hopefully, determined to “sniff out the air” before really committing to a relationship.  Since the beginning a few things have kind of bothered me but I have only recently been able to put my finger on it.  I’m dating one of China’s “Little Emporer’s” all grown up (28 and not an only child but near enough…his sister is 10 years younger…and even he admits he’s the family favorite).

No, he’s not a spoiled-rotten, tantrum-throwing ego-maniac. There’s no way I would put up with that.  But, there’s a certain self-centric way of looking at things: from a near-sulkiness when a plan doesn’t go the way he expected (it dissapates quickly but not before I’ve caught a glimpse in his tone or his face) to a love of praise and often an expection that praise should come even for the smallest thing.  There are other, more specific examples but I see a man who struggles to put the needs/thoughts of others before his own.

He’s not without merits: he can be very kind (just don’t thwart and a plan or an assumption of a plan or witness Mr. Sulky), he’s very devoted and close to his family (a fact which I find extremely admirable and freaks me out at the same time) and many others. But he does have trouble sympathizing with others, has a confidence that strays at times into arrogance, and I wonder if the generosity I see him show is only motivated by the fact that it gains the admiration of others.

I’ve studied and read about the socialological implications of the One-Child policy and the effects of Birth Order on personality and relationships (I’m a quinnessential middle child), but seeing the results of a child, now man, who has clearly been doted upon, up close and personal has me reeling a bit and has caused us to bump heads more than once.

I’m curious to hear your opinion on this. Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Chinese Boyfriend a “Little Emperor?””

Ask the Yangxifu: Chinese Parents Against Divorced Western Man

Divided house
What happens when you're from a divided family -- and your Chinese girlfriend's parents don't approve of you? A divorced man from the UK loves his Chinese girlfriend, but isn't getting any love from her parents.

DivorcedintheUK asks:

I am divorced from my uk wife and have 3 Children in the uk. A year ago i met a beautifully sincere Chinese woman, we became very close friends and now we are inseparable. Her parents are totally against our relationship and insisted we split,well my girlfriend told them that she loves me and that we are going to be together no matter what they insist,(she lives with them still ) I was accused of many untrue things and i was out to con her  and beat her.

I have a well paid job and financially we are sound,

They say that as i have 3 children i am not suitable or good enough for their daughter, and she is embarrassing the family.

I have tried to be patient and understanding, but i need help. Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Chinese Parents Against Divorced Western Man”

Ask the Yangxifu: Chinese Parents, Pressure and a Preemie Baby

Chinese baby
Chinese parents put on the pressure when a hapa Asian-Australian woman, her Chinese husband and baby live in the parents' extra flat. How can the young couple balance their independence with the parents' need to control?

Under Pressure asks:

We have just had our first child. My Chinese husband is one of 2 children, and is the eldest. Our child is the first grandchild so you can already see the pressure there!

Due to logistical issues we moved into the granny flat of my inlaws 2 months before our baby was born (our new house is still being built, financially it is better to rent out our old house because I was going on maternity leave and I was the higher income earner in our household. and I had poor health leading up to the birth) I was hesitant because I am very independent and was worried that his parents would provide too much input into our childs upbringing but my husband assured me he would not allow them to do that.

Needless to say, baby is here, inlaws are in the granny flat EVERY DAY a FEW TIMES a day and I feel that my husband (who is still working full time) and I do not get the chance to enjoy our own personal time with bub as much when he gets home because they are always ‘popping in’. Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Chinese Parents, Pressure and a Preemie Baby”

Ask the Yangxifu: Building Better Relations with a Chinese Mother-in-law

Chinese mother-in-law
Is your (future) Chinese mother-in-law giving you the cold shoulder? How can you build a better relationship with her, and be the "model daughter-in-law", even if you're not Chinese?

Anonymous asks:

I am in love with a Chinese American. His parents are both Chinese and were brought to America for the “better life”. I am a white with two children.

To cut a long story short, his mother hates white women and wants him to marry and Asian. He refuses because he loves me. How can I be the kind of daughter in law that his mother wants?

———-

And I thought my in-laws were cautious about me! 😉

There’s good news here: he’s committed to you. The major reason our relationships break up is not because of the parents — it’s because of him, when he gives in to the family pressure to end the relationship. He’s already defying her wishes, so, chances are, he’s not going to leave you.

Being a “model daughter-in-law,” however, is another story Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Building Better Relations with a Chinese Mother-in-law”

Chapter 48: The Pressures of an Unmarried Chinese man in the Countryside

Chinese man holding a little baby
I wondered why Er Ge, John's second oldest brother, was so painfully quiet. Learning his story was like a window into the pressures of young unmarried Chinese in the countryside.

John’s second oldest brother, Er Ge, was like the wallflower of Chinese New Year at the family home in China’s countryside. He usually lingered in the corners with a slight hunchback and frightened, delicate eyes, like a fragile little sparrow hoping to escape the marauding glance of humans. There was a quiet, impenetrable sadness that clouded his personality, and somehow, I couldn’t get past a Ni Hao to really know the man within.

Only 26 years old, he was the only brother who still lived at the family home. He didn’t care much for study, only finishing Junior High and then going on to become an itinerant worker in the countryside, doing odd jobs for relatives and friends. But none of this seemed to explain why Er Ge withdrew from the world.

So I asked John one evening, as we sat around the hot coals and watched Chinese television. Continue reading “Chapter 48: The Pressures of an Unmarried Chinese man in the Countryside”

Chapter 46: Cold Nights in the Chinese Countryside

Western woman in Chinese countryside, during Chinese New Year
I never felt such a bitter cold until I went to my Chinese boyfriend's hometown in the countryside -- because I was too embarrassed to say I needed more warmth at night.

“The worst cold I ever knew was winter in Hong Kong.” I didn’t understand those words, spoken by a woman who taught English there before China opened up. She shared her experience in China with me as I prepared for a year of teaching English in Zhengzhou. But as I smiled and nodded, the idea nagged me — how could Hong Kong, on China’s Southern coast, be so cold?

The thing is, any place can feel bitterly cold in China — if there’s no warmth in the home.

John’s family home in the winter was fast becoming the worst cold I had known. The house, with most of its doors and windows cracked or wide open to the elements, had no central or room heaters. We spent our hours huddling around giant woks filled with hot coals to fight off the nip of near-freezing temperatures, which felt even more frigid because of the moisture-laden air of this humid climate, South of the Yangtze River. I wrapped myself my long down jacket all day — indoors and outdoors — just like everyone else, as I remembered how, back in the US, people would have thought me strange or even impolite not to take my jacket off, as a guest.

But, most of all, those parental misgivings of months before seemed to chill my heart: “It’s okay to be friends with a foreign girl, but not to date her.” No matter how many warm vegetarian dishes they placed before me, or how much money they stuffed into my hongbao, I remembered the reality — John defied them in bringing me here. And if I complained or troubled them too much, I might just be left out in the cold, never to be John’s girlfriend, and never to return. Continue reading “Chapter 46: Cold Nights in the Chinese Countryside”

Ask the Yangxifu: Your Chinese Boyfriend’s Parents Say No?

Chinese mother-in-law
Sometimes, the biggest obstacle to a relationship with Chinese men is the family. How can you overcome opposition to having a foreign girlfriend? (pictured - my mother-in-law)

Shocked in Shanghai asks:

I came to China from Europe over a year ago, to mend my broken heart, I left a long relationship in Europe to become strong in China and become independent and know myself. The man I have fallen in love with is an amazing guy from Shanghai. We have been together for around two months now, have spent pretty much everyday together for the last two months and it has been amazing. Our different cultures have not been too much of a problem, we laugh and always have so much to talk about.

However…. the sad thing is his parents won’t accept me. They can’t understand how he could love me. My family on the other hand have no problems at all with it and if I am happy they are happy. He promises me that we will always be together and I know how much he loves me, it’s just the pressure his family are putting him under. It is difficult for me to understand as in the West we don’t face such pressure, but I am always supportive of him. I guess I don’t want to lose this man but I have no control and I feel alone with it. All I can do is have faith and believe that his family one day will have to accept that we want to be together and love each other, rather than thinking it is just a fatuation. They think I will leave him or take him to Europe. I have told him that I will stay in China for him as Europe isn’t the greatest place for us to be together.

If you have any advice I would love to hear it. Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Your Chinese Boyfriend’s Parents Say No?”

Chapter 45: Paying Respects and Pondering Family

paying respects to Chinese ancestor, at their grave
I followed John, my Chinese boyfriend, and his two older brothers as they paid respects at their ancestor's grave. As I stood aside and took pictures, I wondered just how close -- or how far -- I was from their family.

The afternoon after I arrived at the family home of John, my Chinese boyfriend, for Chinese New Year, we needed to visit his grandmother. John and his two older brothers — Da Ge and Er Ge — prepared a basket with three fried dishes, rice, bottled water and fruit, as well as a little money, firecrackers, candles and incense. I followed them along with my camera and curiosity — because this grandmother was dead.

John’s family continued a Chinese tradition perhaps as old as the Chinese themselves — to show reverence for their ancestors, especially during major holidays. Even the entranceway to John’s home told the story of ancestors. Three framed black-and-white portraits — John’s paternal grandfather, paternal grandmother, and paternal great aunt — hung solemnly above a day-glow painting of Huangshan, where John’s ancestors are from.

As the rain fell like the tears of graveyard mourners, John, his two older brothers and I hiked through muddy terraced fields, up into the hill where his grandmother’s grave was. It looked like a tiny marble throne, with flourishes on the top and sides, and the grandmother’s name, date of birth and death, and a listing of all the generations that followed her. Continue reading “Chapter 45: Paying Respects and Pondering Family”

Chapter 44: Finding Comfort In a Strange Chinese Countryside

Standing in front of my Chinese boyfriend's countryside home, with his mother
I felt like an anachronism visiting my Chinese boyfriend's countryside home for the first time, with everything so strange to me. (Pictured: me in front of the home, with his mother)

By the end of January, 2003, I had lived in China for more than two and a half years, spoke fluent Mandarin Chinese, and had John, my Chinese boyfriend. It’s easy to believe you know China, that it feels familiar and comfortable when you settle in one place, and have close loved ones by your side.

But the Chinese know better. Lin Yutang once wrote that the happiest thing for a Chinese is to return to his hometown, and speak in his local dialect. Outside of their home region, even a Chinese could feel like a foreigner, lost in a world where no one speaks their home dialect, or eats the local delicacies they loved as a child. Sometimes, you only have a cross a mountain or two in China to find yourself in a completely different world.

John and I crossed many a mountain to reach his village in the countryside of Tonglu, and I couldn’t have felt more strange. I was already a stranger to his parents. But I also faced a home and village that was like nothing I’d known before — even in China. Continue reading “Chapter 44: Finding Comfort In a Strange Chinese Countryside”

Chapter 42: New Clothes for Chinese New Year

Chinese tangzhuang silk jacket
I wanted a new beginning in Chinese New Year. So, I made an outfit to make a good impression on John's parents, and, later, a new job.

In Chinese New Year, wearing new clothes means a new beginning. Before Chinese New Year in 2003, I desperately needed a new beginning — because I’d lost my job at the Chinese Internet Company, and I was about to meet John’s parents.

After the remark from John’s father — that foreign women make good friends, not girlfriends — I needed something to make a fresh start with his family. That’s what I told Caroline, my Chinese friend, days before John and I would travel to his countryside home. We had just had dinner together that evening, and on our post-meal stroll, came across the tiny, brightly-lit store of a tailor I knew all too well.

My eyes twinkled like a child before the tantalizing toys in a Christmas store window display. “She’s the one who made my qipao.” The same qipao I wore for my birthday celebration the summer John and I fell in love. “Let’s go inside and take a look.” Continue reading “Chapter 42: New Clothes for Chinese New Year”