I would need some advice about someone I care about… I’m a female student, studying abroad in China, and this past year I met fellow Chinese student slightly older than me and from Beijing. We instantly became friends and I had my eyes on him from the very beginning but I’m a very shy person and since we both come from different countries and met in another one I figured out it would be impossible for us to have a long-term relationship, and I didn’t want to cry for months when the time to part comes.
So we have been friends for the entire school year and sometimes I could catch a glimpse of interest from him, we used to look at each other in the eyes for a very long time or smile to each other for no apparent reason… on our last night at the university, when we were saying goodbye, we ended up kissing and he asked to come back to my room – which quite surprised me because he is a quiet and innocent-looking man. I could not think straight and accepted. It was a wonderful moment, but we decided not to take it further than that one night, as it would probably be too painful for both of us to be far away, and we know each other enough to be quite sure it would be very difficult for us to overcome our differences in order to be together.
However, we did agree on staying friends, writing to each other and he insisted on the fact he would keep me updated about where he would choose to study next year. The problem is: it has already been one week, I wrote one email but he isn’t replying. He’s not ignoring me, but isn’t very talkative either. I’m very confused; do you think he might have changed his mind and decided to forget about me ? I know we don’t have a future together but I really care about that person, it would hurt me if he had decided to forget about what has been happening between us or if he had never cared…
You know you don’t have a future together. He knows it too. And that’s probably the reason he’s changed.
Okay, we could give him the benefit of the doubt and say this: the semester just ended, he’s distracted in this whole transitional period and busy moving out/making his next move. There’s always that slim possibility. But, honestly, the longer time passes where he doesn’t answer your e-mails or treat you as he did before, the less likely this is.
Chances are, he really did have feelings for you. But it sounds like he’s doing what I’ve seen many Chinese men do before — bury an impossible love away in his heart, and move on. Maybe it’s just too painful for him to keep in touch with you, because every contact reminds him of what he can’t have.
This makes me think of a Chinese man who broke off contact with this German friend of mine after they had a passionate two-week love affair in Beijing (she was there just for a couple of months, studying Chinese with no plans to return). Before she left, he told her to forget about him — and instead just remember the beautiful memories of those two weeks they had.
That’s hard to reconcile in the wake of such an amazing connection. But it doesn’t mean you can’t try to reach out and continue to contact him. Who knows?
I’ll tell you this, though — I’ve never managed to keep in touch with any of my Chinese ex-boyfriends, no matter how hard I tried. And if that experience is any measure of what happens in the wake of a relationship with no future (in my case, one that ended completely), you might have a hard time staying in touch with him.
What do you think?
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