Ask the Yangxifu | Speaking of China

Ask the Yangxifu: Your Chinese Boyfriend’s Parents Say No?

Chinese mother-in-law — Sometimes, the biggest obstacle to a relationship with Chinese men is the family. How can you overcome opposition to having a foreign girlfriend? (pictured - my mother-in-law)

Shocked in Shanghai asks:

I came to China from Europe over a year ago, to mend my broken heart, I left a long relationship in Europe to become strong in China and become independent and know myself. The man I have fallen in love with is an amazing guy from Shanghai. We have been together for around two months now, have spent pretty much everyday together for the last two months and it has been amazing. Our different cultures have not been too much of a problem, we laugh and always have so much to talk about.

However…. the sad thing is his parents won’t accept me. They can’t understand how he could love me. My family on the other hand have no problems at all with it and if I am happy they are happy. He promises me that we will always be together and I know how much he loves me, it’s just the pressure his family are putting him under. It is difficult for me to understand as in the West we don’t face such pressure, but I am always supportive of him. I guess I don’t want to lose this man but I have no control and I feel alone with it. All I can do is have faith and believe that his family one day will have to accept that we want to be together and love each other, rather than thinking it is just a fatuation. They think I will leave him or take him to Europe. I have told him that I will stay in China for him as Europe isn’t the greatest place for us to be together.

If you have any advice I would love to hear it. Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Your Chinese Boyfriend’s Parents Say No?”

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Ask the Yangxifu: Getting US Immigration Help Online for Chinese Loved Ones

US Embassy — The US immigrations process for your Chinese loved ones can be an intimidating source of questions (such as on Communist Party Membership). Fortunately, there's a "light" in the dark -- on the internet -- for anyone in this situation.

Friend to a Foreign Teacher asks:

You’re the first person I thought of when my fellow foreign teacher told me his problem. He is engaged to the most wonderful woman, and she’s Chinese. In July they applied for her fiancee visa to the States so that she can go back with him in summer 2010. Everything seemed to be going fine, but then last night they discovered that she is certain to get a blue card (which means a delay on the application, instead of a red which means ‘all set,’ but I’m sure you know about that!) because she is a member of the Communist Party. As I’m sure you’re aware, joining the Party is almost required if you want to advance in a lot of careers, and her involvement is basically nil.Apparently there’s still some old Cold War era law on the books making it very difficult for Chinese Party members to get a visa. It seems there *are* exceptions to this rule, but they aren’t certain, they’re hard to prove, and they can take a long time, and my coworker doesn’t know how much extra time it would take. Understandably, he and his fiancee are really worried about this.

When he told me about this this morning, you were the first person I thought of, because you and your husband have been through this process. Did your husband have a Party membership to contend with? Do you know anyone who has dealt with this problem? Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Getting US Immigration Help Online for Chinese Loved Ones”

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Ask the Yangxifu: Indirect Dating and Chinese Men

Western woman and Chinese man — How do you know if a Chinese man wants to date you -- or is dating you?

Anonymous asks:

I am an American female and began an international graduate program this January here in the US. Most of my classmates are foreign and I’ve gotten the attention from a Chinese male. There is a good chance our relationship is going to blossom, so I have a few questions for you.

At first, it didn’t dawn on me that he was interested, so he stepped it up a notch. He started waiting for me after class, sitting near me in class and initiating conversations. We have spent some time together outside of class. Our most recent encounter was a trip to the movies, where he picked me up and got a chance to meet my grandfather (he was very excited to meet Grandpa). He is currently on a trip for spring break and has phoned me a few times.

Here is the kicker and where my questions come in. He is very indirect. While I’m 99% sure he is courting me, he has never expressed in words his desire to date me (although it is still early). Should I wait for him to initiate that conversation? Additionally, he asks questions in a very indirect manner. For example, instead of asking if he can walk walk with me to the library, he asks where I am going next… I think it is a combination of his culture combined with being male haha. His English is also very choppy, so we have a communication barrier. I do not speak or read Chinese at all.

His indirectness combined with limited knowledge of the English language is difficult for me to understand his intentions at times (especially when he is hinting that he’d like to get together). I am an outgoing and honest person, so it’s difficult for me to know how to react to him. He is also very introverted and independent, kind of a homebody.

I guess I’m writing you for some advice. I don’t want to be too forward by asking him direct questions or disclose too much information that may turn him off. My instincts are telling me to find the balance between expressing interest and letting things happen naturally. I don’t know him well enough yet to know how I feel about him, but so far he’s caught my attention. Any advice/suggestions would be helpful. Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Indirect Dating and Chinese Men”

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Ask the Yangxifu: What To Consider Before Moving To China

Western woman with luggage by bus station in China

Anonymous asks:

The reason I am writing is — why did you not stay and live in China? My Chinese wife says if there is any problem with her actually coming to my home country, then I should come and live there…with her….

I know you are very busy, but if you could give me your impressions, about what I have asked, I would appreciate it.

———-

To move or not to move to China? It’s a dilemma that a lot of cross-cultural couples in China face.

We left China for one major reason — John’s education. Psychology graduate school is better in the US, so we moved here with the goal of getting him into a Ph.D program. The training and education he receives here will put him in a better position to fulfill his longtime dream (to create a “humanistic care center” in China). But, once he’s done, we plan to move back to China — permanently.

For many couples, the answer — and journey — is less obvious. Moving to China permanently is different than a year of teaching English, and poses new questions to a foreigner. Here are a number of issues you should consider before planting your feet in China’s good earth: Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: What To Consider Before Moving To China”

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Ask the Yangxifu: How can Western women and Chinese men get along – as a couple?

Tony asks:

I’m a guy from China, really enjoy your blog, but am curious how you and your husband get along. Your from the US, he from China, so the culture and food are very different. I see few couples like yours, and don’t think I could ever marry a foreign woman because of the differences. Â How you can stay together well?

——

Thanks for the question, Tony.

I can’t speak for every couple like ours. But I will say this — understanding has really kept my Chinese husband and I together (we’ve been married since 2004). Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: How can Western women and Chinese men get along – as a couple?”

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Ask the Yangxifu: How Western Women Can Meet Chinese Men in China

Chinese man, sitting on the campus of Suzhou University — How can foreign women improve their chances to meet good Chinese men -- in China? (Pictured: my Chinese husband, John, sitting on the campus of Suzhou University)

Priscilla didn’t ask me anything. But after reading her February 12 opinion piece in the Global Times, titled “Chinese men: pull your weight”, I thought she needed some answers — especially when it comes to finding a good Chinese man. So I decided to pre-empt my scheduled Q&A this week, to help Priscilla.

Here’s an excerpt, where she discusses her interest in dating Chinese men — but lack of suitors:

One girl in a circle of friends decides to give a Chinese guy a chance and is shocked to discover, he’s pretty cool. The others also start testing the waters: flirting with that cute Chinese guy in a uniform, dancing with the tall one at the club, maybe even venturing to have a fling or two. And once the blinkers are lifted, ladies, you’ll discover that you are actually surrounded by attractive men.

But I am writing this as an enlightened foreign lady with several foreign lady friends and I can’t think of a single one who is dating a Chinese guy.

….one reason I can personally attest to is a lack of effort by Chinese men.

She ends the piece by exhorting all would-be Chinese suitors to “man-up” — be a real guy, and get the courage to ask Western women out.

My response? Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: How Western Women Can Meet Chinese Men in China”

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Ask the Yangxifu: A Big, Fat, Traditional Chinese Wedding?

Ana asks:

I have a question about weddings. I am in my late twenties and recently engaged to my Chinese-American boyfriend,which I am really excited about.

But the wedding worries me. Initially I wanted a simple ceremony. I was raised Christian but he wasn’t, but I wouldn’t insist on a church. just maybe a simple ceremony then banquet with friends, some photos outdoors, etc. But when I suggested it to my boyfriend, he said his parents would never agree to it (his parents are from China), that they expect a big traditional Chinese wedding. I heard Chinese weddings can be very elaborate,exhausting with a lot of drinking, more than one dress,lots of guests etc. Seems overwhelming and not my style!! I haven’t brought it up in front of his parents but I feel kinda stuck now. I just really don’t want all this fuss and don’t understand why we cant make it simpler. I’m not sure I can survive a huge Chinese weddings. What should I do? Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: A Big, Fat, Traditional Chinese Wedding?”

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Ask the Yangxifu: The Chinese doorman closed off friendship

"Don't trouble please" sign on door in Chinese hotel — A Chinese doorman suddenly closes the door to friendship (or more) with a foreign woman.

huayue asks:

I am a 24-year-old Canadian woman teaching English in Shanghai and I have a question for your “yangxifu.” I became friends with the young doorman of this hotel where my gym is. He doesn’t speak English but my Chinese is good enough so we can carry on a conversation. Anyhow he asked me out one day. I’m not sure if it was a date or not. But he took me out to eat and then to play games at an arcade. It was so much fun, one of the best evenings I had had in a long time. He was so charming, gentlemanly and we had a lot in common. After that we both decided to get together again. The second time we had dinner, and then he took me for a walk through the park in the evening. It was kind of romantic. That evening I felt a little closer to him, like there was the possibility for something more than friends. We also agreed to see each other another time, to go for a walk in the park. But the day we planned to see each other it rained and he called to ask us to postpone it. I told him it was fine. But now it’s been almost four weeks and he hasn’t tried to reschedule it. I sent him text messages and call but he hasn’t responded or called me. Whenever I see him at the door of the hotel he avoids talking with me.Â I would like to see him again at least as a friend and I don’t understand him. What do you think is going on with him? Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: The Chinese doorman closed off friendship”

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Ask the Yangxifu: Does Dating Past (And More) Matter to Chinese Men?

Anonymous asks:

im from europe, i really like a chinese man, and he seems to like me, but i dont know if he will if he gets to know me better. we met in china at work, get along well, both in mid-twenties. but i am not a virgin. ive had many boyfriends before too.

im afraid if he gets to know me, he will think badly of me. ive heard chinese men cant accept a girl who isnt virgin. i really need advice — please help! and please dont use my name/email! Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Does Dating Past (And More) Matter to Chinese Men?”

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Ask the Yangxifu: How to impress your Chinese boyfriend’s (or girlfriend’s) family during Chinese New Year

Kelley asks:

I started teaching English in China this past fall, and met a wonderful Chinese man. I never expected to have a Chinese boyfriend, or expected it so soon! But we’ve been dating since October, and are very much in love.

However, I am really starting to freak out because he asked me to spend Chinese New Year at his parents home. I am so concerned about meeting his parents. I know family is a really big deal in China, and it seems that if they don’t like me, my boyfriend and I don’t have a future. I really need to impress them! I’ve only started learning Mandarin, so I’m barely proficient, but I guess a little is better than none at all.

I’m definitely going to bring gifts (thanks so much for the great suggestions!).

But I was wondering what other advice you might have — specifically, what should I do to make the visit go smoothly? I really could use some help! Thanks!
—– Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: How to impress your Chinese boyfriend’s (or girlfriend’s) family during Chinese New Year”

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