The Discrimination Continues, But I Need A Break (Today)

A tired person holding their face in their hands
(photo by Simon Cataudo)

Today, I’m taking a break from my usual Friday content. The same discrimination I wrote about back in November continues to rear its head in new and malevolent ways, threatening my husband’s future.

I want to be the kind of yangxifu who can shove it all aside and find the strength to churn out another Ask the Yangxifu, Yangxifu Pride or even Mandarin Love. But I can’t right now. To be honest, I’ve spent most of this week oscillating between a kind of “don’t worry, everything will be okay” mindset to outright fear, terror and the tears that come along with it all. Most days I’ve cried, some more than others. And just when I find a small patch of hope — something that gives me a sense that maybe, just maybe, this will turn out all right — it gets stamped out by another goon.

I wish I could tell you what was really going on. Suffice to say, it’s the stuff that I used to believe only happened in movies. In my worst moments, sometimes I even doubt we’ll ever get our happy ending, and I’m never like that.

I still struggle to share this story, even with my friends in the US. Not everyone understands what’s going on, and some of them have even dared to side/understand the discriminators in this equation. So I keep to myself more than I should, and just try to “push through it” even when I feel like I’m dying as I watch my husband suffer. I just reached my crisis limit now and need to take a step back.

I’m going to take some time out this weekend to relax and hopefully replenish my creative energies to soldier on in this “long march” of ours. We won’t give up, I promise.

I’ll be back on Monday as usual, and thanks for reading.

P.S.: My apologies to readers who wrote to me recently — I am getting caught up on my e-mails this weekend. Hope you understand.

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62 Replies to “The Discrimination Continues, But I Need A Break (Today)”

  1. Those people are ridiculous. Sorry to hear that it’s happening. There’s a lot of hate in this world, and it’s not always possible to remove it. Sometimes the only thing we can do is to keep our heads up. What internet communities enable you to do is discover that, despite your immediate surroundings, there is a lot of support out here.

  2. Jocelyn,
    My heart goes out to you. I can understand how frustrated you must feel when confronted with blatant racism by those who refuse to look past appearances and see what in inside. I’m lucky that my own wife was not only warmly welcomed in the Texas city where we lived, she was admired by nearly all who met her. There were a few who dared to make a racist remark soon learned their mistake. They quickly found out that she had more than me as a champion, but many others whom she had made an impression. Trust and depend on those whom truly know the love and devotion in your marriage is real. Let them know what is going on, how it is affecting both of you and I have no doubt that they will not only give you their love and support, they will step up and help defend both of you in your hour of need.

  3. I wish you well. Dealing with majority privileges can be brutal — especially when your friends won’t check theirs when you need them to.

  4. @Jocelyn, you have to be strong. I know it is cliche to say this. But you know deep down that that’s what we can do to stay sane. Don’t capitulate to all the negativity around you. You create an ocean of positivity around you by not giving life to all the imbecility – the stupidity and small-mindedness of the human mind. You transcend all this by thumping your nose up at them so to speak. Have a good laugh now and then and know that you will triumph no matter what. Doubt, fear, tears and terror are part and parcel of the make-up of the mind. But they don’t have to get you down. You are the master. When doubts come, when fear and terror grip your heart and tears threaten to come, Stop! Take A Deep Breath! Observe! – and see, they don’t own you, they can’t hurt except when you allow them to. That is not to say that you can’t cry. Cry if you have to, let out all the poison and you become whole. Things come and go. Nothing lasts forever. Not even death! You will get over all the difficulties and the petty discrimination and those difficult fellows will look like small-time idiots to you. And you are the winner – yes, even if in the end John does not get his internship.
    You move on, perhaps to another place and try again. You have all our love and moral support. Have a break. Pamper yourself and bring along your significant other. Life goes on and the bureaucrats can wait and roast in their own juices if they want to. That’s their right – and their choice!

  5. Jocelyn, somehow I am reminded of a true story from the island I was born and raised on. Te Rauparaha was on the run from his enemies and needed refuge. His mate told him to hide in a kumara pit. Te Rauparaha’s enemies passed, and his mate opened up the pit and called Te Rauparaha out. Te Rauparaha, knowing nothing for certain of what had happened on the surface, asked:

    “Ka mate? Ka mate?
    Ka ora? Ka ora?”
    – is it death? is it death? is it life? is it life?

    Te Rauparaha climbed up to meet his fate, not fearing what it would be. Depending on who you ask, he was either very successful or too successful, not to put too fine a point on it. But that’s the spirit I see in these posts – life or death, you and your man are strong and will face it down and succeed.

    Kia kaha. Be strong.

  6. It’s a good idea to rest over the weekend and rethink about the future! I do advise relocation if this is the last option for the internship position and rebuild a new future there. I’ve done it and lots of my friends had done it. Just temporary for a few yrs.

  7. As an outsider in another country (both me and my bf) we can sympathize re the discrimination, even though I dont know whats going on. But I distinctly remember the 2 yrs during financial crisis when I was trying to find a job. The discrimination, the abuse of cheap labor, … well lets just say it was horrible and almost broke me down. But I had my bf for support and he held me through it and I went past it too… Life keeps throwing curve balls at us, but I am sure you and your husband can overcome these situations. Stay strong… there is always light at the end of the tunnel. Sending good thoughts your and your husbands way…

  8. I understand everything and more here. I understand that once you were on top working your way to a successful life and got pushed back all the way down to the bottom. Yup, without even a job offer secured and no internship to complete the degree in order to practice is a horrible feeling. Nobody can withstand this kind of setback for long term. It has more emotional than physcial damage. My question is will you be living on the street if you don’t have this job? can your spouse take care of you even though your business goes bankrupted? In America, we won’t live on the street EVEN IF you want to! Only lazy people will live on the street here. If I tell you that I used to work days and nights 7 days a week 365 days a yr, nobody will believe me. Most of us commenting here do have our own problems as of right now but we want to keep it to ourselves. There are uncertainties in all levels of our lives and we must take care of them. I know a person who walked in my office 3 yrs ago without a wife ( died within a week), no job,no savings,3 kids to take care,no family support not so ever. He just found a job and slowly work his way up. This guy had it really hard but we are always comforting him and help him out. Now he is okay. Yes, It’s a suicidal feeling at times. In the past, I wanted to suicide also because of pressure from every angles! I feel everyone’s pain through my own flesh and bone and I do understand deeply!!!!!!!!!. All of you guys will notice here that I always want to be happy and smiling everyday and I do force myself to be happy to ignore all negativities. sometimes we just have to let loose a little bit and don’t be too up tight. Let me teach you guys something here! If you don’t chase after it, it will come. If you chase after it or like for example money, it will never come. So relax and with timing ,it eventually comes. Thank you


  9. Joycelyn,

    I am sorry to hear about what you are still having to contend with. I am sure that whoever is attempting to stand in the way of your husbands success is going to get it back. Life has a funny way of letting people who mistreat others suffer for what they have done. I expect that your husband will overcome this.

  10. I know everyone here keeps on saying ” everything will be okay, please don’t give up etc etc etc” but It’s John who has to really get out there to find his ways. Comforting a person is only good for cooling down a person’s anxiety. Finding the cure to the problem is to permanently fixed it. Networking, socializing and maybe finding a non-profit organization would help connecting John to his internship. It’s a lot of work but it pays off eventually. Like I said if John is not a U.S. citizen yet, get him naturalized soon. The question is … are you willing to travel and sacrifice?Look up everything for 50 states and I’m sure there’s something. My last comment for this subject…

  11. I do not know the specific situation of this discrimination. Here is some personal experience how I dealt with before.

    At certain institute I worked before, I experienced systemic discrimitive acitivity toward Asians. So I started my plan by identifying the worst offender among them. I started to write down each incidents of offense from this guy. In order to have witness to back me up, some time I even promote stronger reaction to have other people noticed. Documents every thing. Today you can secretly turn your smart phone in your pocket on to recording offending comments. Photos, other people’s complains, ect. Collect them all. I compiled thick document against this individual and found a labor lawyer to disscuss hostile working enviroment. This lawyer contacted the institue for potential lawsuit.

    This guy was immediately fired. The whole institute was made aware of situation. No body even dared to mess with me any more.

  12. “don’t worry, everything will be okay” may sound great but truth be told, it is a form of doublethink. You know very well that things are not going well, yet you keep telling yourself that it’s OKAY, that is a form of thinking where you lie to yourself to make yourself feel comfortable. I mean, where is all this leading you to ? You know what, time to stop all this crap “don’t worry, everything will be okay'” and start confronting your REAL problem. Your real problem is not all those discrimination, your real problem is you wishing that the problem will just go away. Problems don’t go away unless you confront them. Sorry this may sound harsh but someone has to say them.

  13. Hi Jocelyn,

    I’m glad you’re taking a break. This has been an ongoing problem and the break will give you the energy you need to persevere. I think what many of us are trying to say in our own ways here is that, if you need us, we’re in. I’ve mentioned before, you do a lot for the rest of us just by creating this forum for discussion. It means different things to different people. But, we wouldn’t be here at all if we didn’t care on some level.

    As far as those who think the encouragement is not enough, then I can only say that I agree to a point. But I also feel compelled to remind you that you’re making assumptions about what actions have and have not been taken. It’s been touched upon before, and though this is a place to share, Jocelyn shares what she feels comfortable with sharing and not all of the minutiae that go along with it. It’s her prerogative to do so. That doesn’t mean that it’s fair to assume that she’s sitting around wishing on stars and doing nothing to help her husband through what sounds to be their most difficult experience so far.

    back to Jocelyn: If we can do anything, don’t hesitate to ask. In the meantime, we’ll keep sending prayers, good juju, and blessings your way. Chicahuac nochantcihuatl! (Strength, homegirl!)

  14. Whatever is going on, you and your husband have mine support. Although its not discrimination, but I understand somewhat what you’re going through. Last year in September my grandfather got hospitalized and went through what was supposed to be a quadruple bypass test. In other words he should have gone home in a few weeks. Instead shit began to happen when it was found that certain wires got dislodged from his heart (luckilly they caught that,) then infection of intestine, then other stuff. By February of this year everyone in my family was wiped out from stress, from my parents constantly going there. What lesson I have learned from this is that to be there in both actions and spirit as my father was there for my mother. (He always drove her late at night and always comforted her.)

  15. @Jocelyn – We all know that it is an uphill battle, but the very notion of fighting it leaves a profound mark that will make its impact later on. Take a break and rest, the battle may well be a long one. Win or loss, the key is to make a stand. People will not change their behaviors unless someone intervene.
    Wish we could support you more than just words and moral.

  16. You do so much for us, more than you will ever know I suspect! Search for your options, for they always exist. Go for a short walk everyday, either alone or with John. Don’t isolate yourselves. Those who know you the best really want to help – even if that just means their role is listening. Know that your frustration will lead to action. It always does!

  17. I think it is time to get out of [State]. Move to California or Hawaii or somewhere else in the US. If I were in an interracial marriage, I will never go to [State] or for that matter Arizona or Montana or the southern USA.

  18. I’m a Chinese man and married with a Austria lady, after I moved to Austria years ago, I also had problem to find a job in the beginning, even I had so good working experience in China. But I didn’t give up, finally I found a good job. I believe you and your husband will over come the problem, please don’t give up!

  19. if that’s the reaction you get from this institution. it’s a sign to move on and try another location. No point battling with people who can’t or won’t change. it just kinda drains you out more

  20. I wonder why you are censoring yourself to the betterment of the bigots… Don’t be afraid to take on institutions, it can change nations x

  21. @Sam, you mean to say that Jocelyn and John never did try to confront the problem they are facing and were all the while just merely wishing it to go away by its own accord? Really? Are people so that stupid or irresponsible/incapable? Or are you just trying to show what a helluva guy you are. A go-getter , monster slayer and gung-ho motivational solver of all problems? Perhaps Jocelyn and John need you to go whack some sense into those guys and get John the internship. And sure, it is good and proper to tell a guy who is feeling down to worry more because at least that good for his soul. Then feeling more worried, the tiger in him will rise and now he can take the bull by the horns. Now if a tiger tries to get the bull by the horns, I am sorry for him. It will likely get gored. But that’s the spirit, man, go out there, find the bull and aim for the horns. I clap you. Now, I am telling to shut up!

  22. Hi Jocelyn,
    I’m so sorry to hear that this horrible situation is continuing. You and your husband have been in my thoughts! If you ever need to talk to a yangxifu living in the states who might understand what other friends cannot, I’m willing to listen! Take care.

  23. I imagine that the best thing for someone going through such discrimination is support from others who understands. Your husband is very lucky that you are there. Many Asians, especially new immigrants, must suffer in complete darkness without anyone there to help.

  24. @ordinary malaysian,
    geez………lambasting me. It’s easy for people like you to say to Jocelyn and John ‘stay strong’ when you don’t actually know what they are actually going through back in the States, although she did mentioned them but not in great details. So when I said something people like you don’t want to hear, here you are, blasting me with tags like ‘or are you just trying to show what a helluva guy you are’.
    @ David,
    you’re spot on. As I said in my posting, the real problem is not the discrimination dished out by those people. If you know that you moving to a particular place would result in a particular type of problem, its your fault, not the people that are discriminating you. Confronting your real problem is not about you trying to ‘show’ what kind of a person you are, as mentioned by ‘someone’, but admitting that you’ve made a mistake and rectify it.

  25. I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been under so much stress recently.
    Only the hottest fires can make the hardest steel. I’m glad to hear you wont give up.

    I found this which helped me:
    “Until you think you’re putting your life in danger, just keep going. Until you have proved to yourself that you are stronger than everyone else who has attempted what you’re attempting, just keep going. Until your being is completely shattered and you’re on the verge of an emotional breakdown, just keep going. Until you’ve reached your absolute physical, human limit, until you’ve squeezed every drop of value out of the fruit you’re chasing, and until you are certain without a single doubt in the universe that absolutely nothing positive or worthy can come from what you’re doing, just keep going.

    Do not stop. Just keep going.”

  26. There are people out there who hate others and treat others with mean and nasty attitudes. Let go but keep them on your radar because these people are very rude. I once said that an item was rather expensive the shopkeeper came out of the shop and rushed towards me to shout at me ” You IDIOT!!! What do you know about this item”. 4 letter words (F***) continued until he had his day. That’s life let the hardship be a test of our endurance. Don’t hold on, on to what they had said. Keep moving and don’t look back.

  27. @Sam, well, do you know in detail? You are better informed than us? Or are you just trying to sound smart? Look, of course you are smart but neither are the rest stupid or dense. Tell me honestly, who doesn’t know about confronting their problem instead trying to run away. You know and I know and we all know but show some humanity when someone is feeling down and don’t tell him what everyone knows that ultimately you have to confront your problem and do something about it. You think Jocelyn doesn’t know, John doesn’t know and only a smart master fellow like you know? Of course just like you think someone has to tell it like you think you have to tell it, I am telling you too. Yes, if you like it, consider as lambasting. No harm done, at least not on my part. But please peddle your master quackery elsewhere because the advice you gave is so redundant and so obviously so clever lah!

  28. And @Sam, also please read what I had also said..” You move on, perhaps to another place and try again..” But you don’t have to sound like a master gung-ho motivational solver of all problems. Nowadays we don’t need monster-slayers any more. In medieval times those were in demand. Might be. No longer. What I am trying to say, don’t sound like a holier-than-thou quack selling snake oil and get credit for it. Snake oil or not, people will buy not because of the good but the way it is sold. Nobody believes in snake any more but they may believe the seller. It all depends on how you sell yourself, oops, the goods lah i.e! Sorry, if you consider that lambasting again. But you get the point. And if you don’t that’s alright too. No harm done, sell well and sell smartly. A psychology graduate like you ought to know better. And if you are not a psychology graduate or master, it doesn’t matter too.

  29. Jocelyn,

    Not sure if I gather correctly but if it is re a clinical psych internship then I think there are regulations prohibiting foriegn nationals from getting it. Although I know that in NYC some of my friends did these internships without any issues. And they were Masters students too! Many places including Bellevue’s offer them and you might check these online.

    Again not sure if this is the problem… but this is what I can offer from knowledge. There are a lot of such internships in the NYC region and I am sure a PhD candidate will have no problem in obtaining them. Plus they can be short term too…

  30. @ordinary malaysian,
    i m getting to you am I ? All I did was post something and you come out with all guns blazing. Wow ! That’s fine with me. I may not know who you are or what you are, but you know what, I m just going to sit it out and see what kind of stuff you are going to dish out at me. Feel free to write anything you want at me. I’ll be checking out frequently on this site. Thanks by the way.

  31. Jocelyn,

    Living in a foreign country is not an easy thing, I am an Asian and living in Australia now, when I first came to here everything was changed and as we all know, people don’t like changes.

    I hope you and your husband can stay strong, at the end of the day you don’t have to give to damn on what other irrelevant people think of you two, you two have love bonding each other.

  32. I LOVE IT! It’s all my fault that I’ve made you ,Sam and Ordinary Malaysian talk like this. Hhahahah that means you two are still men :). Remember the battle is out there , not here!! Don’t not forget that. We have to fight our enemies and be united ,not breaking us apart slowly WITHIN OURSELVES. hahahhahah I sound evil but I’m not.

  33. Correct me if I am wrong, it is just my opinion: I know the ideal place to live is west coast, but if all of us only live there, would we segragate ourselves and form a big chinatown? Discrimination will not be stopped by us running away from it.
    I don’t mean one has put his/her life in danger to fight for injustice, but if condition is not life threatening or extreme stressful, fighting is the only way. In fact, living a happy life in where you are makes a strong statement itself.

  34. I just have time for a few minutes here. We will have problems until we die. Humans are born with problems. My family/families have problems, your families have problems and all families have problems!!!!!!!!! I see problems every single day right now. Let me tell you about a loving marriage/relationship here. If you as a wife makes lots money right now, it’s reasonable to support the family while your husband is working on his education or vice versa! What is the big deal ? No problem at all to be honest with you. I think I’m losing my patience on even commenting here. I understand the feelings of a long journey of struggles and hardship. I understand because I’ve been there and done that. I didn’t have a silver spoon in my mouth when I was young. I had to earn everything like a car, houses, and business by myself. Sometimes I don’t want to comment too much in details because I don’t want to be too rude. You really have to step in a person’s shoe in order to understand!!! I know the feeling that John ‘s situation of not moving up or down right now. Being on the borderline is a very dangerous situation. First of all, we have to know why and where we fail so we can correct it ;there, we will succeed the next time. I’ve failed before but I’ve learned to come back stronger. It’s hard to say to yourself that everything is gonna be okay. My attitude is “F…” it, let’s take another route to reach the goal/destination.


  35. A python will constricts its prey, the cat will always meow, the dog will bark and howl and the whites in Idaho…well, most will always be racist unless somehow minorities move there and make whites a minority like they did in CA. Used to be that way in Orange County. Back in the mid 1980s when it was Richard Nixon’s Orange County, a white woman will be ostracized for dating Asian in OC….not anymore. Most of those racist whites have moved to Idaho, Montana, Arizona and parts of Colorado.

  36. “Correct me if I am wrong, it is just my opinion: I know the ideal place to live is west coast, but if all of us only live there, would we segragate ourselves and form a big chinatown? Discrimination will not be stopped by us running away from it.”

    Interracial couples will not form a Chinatown..they cannot…they are interracial. They can live in places such as Cerritos, Milbrae, Seal Beach and Glendora among others.

  37. @David – I get your point of formimg majority group due to the fact of majority rules. It is important for us to vote on every single issue in order to demonstrate political power.
    My point is not literally formimg a chinatown, most of us don’t even live close to chinatown. My point is we are still minority in total population, unless majority of the population change their reaction toward us, the problem persists. The only way to influence people is by connecting to others not by running away. I know it is slow process, but it progresses. Today it is certainly better than ten years ago.

  38. Forgot to mention this: In the book “kissing outside the lines” discussed in the very next blog, one of the couples said they would only live in FOUR cities. How sad it is !!! Why confine ourselves to an artificial concentration camp?
    I get the point that they try to protect their children, but at what cost?

  39. Four cities is a bit of a stretch. But, southern states save Florida and may be now parts of Texas are off limits if you are worried about racism. You can probably communicate with 80% of the white people, but you cannot communicate with the other in Arizona, Texas, Idaho, Montana, southern suburbs of Denver and most southern states. A young white basketball coach ended up dating a junior Japanese auto executive in one of the suburbs of Birmingham, AL. This is an educated place but their behavior is anything but. They left dead mice on their doorsteps and the pressure became so great, that Honda sent him home to Japan. She was out on a field trip with her home team, and when she came back and knocked on his door, the house was cleaned out. She got into a funk and returned home to parents in Indiana. Do you really want yourself to be subjected to this?

  40. @David – I read the news about two Chinese international students were killed in LA, CA. They were in their shining BMW, someone just shot them through car window. Bad people exist everywhere. I have learned that good and evil coexist in any community. Even in your 20%, there are degrees of severity in racism. From leaving a dead mice to door step to murdering someone, there is a leap.

    To live is to take risk. I would not stop my normal way of living, just because there is small chance of getting kill. My life is in the hand of God, I will just fulfill it to its fullness.

  41. Libs are not necessarily friendlier toward Asians. Most of the amoral pop culture junkies can be considered as “liberals”, yet they see Asians as a bunch of uptight, freedom-hating automatons, who do not share their oh-so-hip post-modern culture, worthy of disdain and ridicule. In fact, Asians suffer disproportionally from minority-on-minority hate crimes.
    Asians (incld. East, Southeast, & Southwest) are the only ethnic groups hated by both the left & the right.

  42. Cvaguy:

    California incident I believe was robbery. The area around USC is very bad..too many criminal gangs. There are three other similar campuses…Upenn, Chicago and Colombia….located in crime ridden areas!

  43. Henry Yeh:

    And a lot of Asians dont like the whites, blacks or hispanics either. In fact many Asians dont like other Asians. Indians and Chinese get along in the west and Singapore..but in the rest of Asia, forget it! The whites dont like the fact that the Chinese are literally taking over Orange County, but the Asians taking over are rich and the whites are not and the Asians look down on their poor white bretheren and sisters.

  44. “Forgot to mention this: In the book “kissing outside the lines” discussed in the very next blog, one of the couples said they would only live in FOUR cities.”

    My sister thinks along those lines…San Francisco, Honolulu, Seattle, Portland, OR and Boulder, CO…that is it! And she is not married and in her late forties.

  45. @Ordinary Malaysian, PLEASE calm down. Sam had the same rights as all of us to post his thought on the matter and your outburst shouldn’t contain such personal name-calling. He made a valid first point, show your Malaysian grace and take it for what it is, ya?

  46. I think there is a lot of toning down that needs to be done here. Without knowing all of the details, people started making assumptions and responding with seemingly angry tones in their suggestions for Jocelyn and her husband. It seems to have spiraled from there.

    Everyone has a right to an opinion, but ultimately, I think we’ve all got to offer our suggestions and support in a way that’s respectful of everyone. We all seem to have the same goal of supporting Jocelyn. It’s just a matter of how best to do that.

    Personally, I don’t think leaving is the answer. It’s harder, definitely. But, progress doesn’t happen when you leave something festering to its own devices. I do, however, think that Jocelyn & her husband should continue to look elsewhere simply so that they know what their options are and can plan for an out in the event they need it. If this was an issue going in, it doesn’t make sense for the school to have taken on a student they weren’t willing to support. The longer he’s there, not having completed requirements, the worse it looks for them.

    Is there anyone reading that has experience with this kind of program and internship? Maybe someone who has been through it can offer some suggestions on how this can be handled. Ideas?

  47. I’m so sorry there are still people who can’t see past such superficial differences…

    Even if you have friends siding with the discriminators (that’s just terrible, I can’t even imagine…), please remember there are plenty of people on your side who understand what you’re going through, even if all we can do is offer our words of support. Be strong!

  48. I’m so sorry for the discrimination you and your husband are facing. In response to some of the comments about the southern US, I want to stand up for my state! I’m engaged to a Chinese man. We live in Houston (actually a very multicultural city – less than 50% white people now) and I’ve never really felt any discrimination towards either of us, both when I’m the minority in chinatown or when he is minority everywhere else. Also, I have friends and family from all over Texas and Oklahoma and none of them have batted an eye at our relationship (I’ve been into asian guys for awhile, so no one was surprised!) It probably helps that he grew up in Australia and is pretty westernized, but the only comments I’ve ever gotten arise more from ignorance than spite, like when people tell me how brilliant our children will be because they’re half asian (He’s a smart guy, but I’m definitely the smarter one in the relationship!) It helps us that we can laugh about the stereotypes on both sides rather than taking offense. It makes me sad that race is a much bigger issue in other parts of the country, and even though it’s tough, I hope your relationship can stand as an example to small minded people and can help to start changing their assumptions.

  49. @Emily – Thanks for the post.
    My experience at univercity in mid west was fine, too. As I said before every place and every community has good and evil co-exists. The very presence and living a happy life is by itself making a statement “get use to it”. Reaching out and making connection is even better.
    Most of us go to where the jobs, friends and relatives are. Most of the places in US are fine. There are pocket of places you don’t want to go at night in just about every city. We should not be careless, but overly cautious will suck the fun out of living. Just my opinion 🙂

  50. I think we’re still talking about John not having an internship here . Can anyone tell me why he is not getting an internship ? Is it about his major/study that there aren’t as many companies that will take him or what? Regarding safety and discrimination… I’ve lived in so many cities, it is not that bad or it’s my personality that can withstand negativities and discrimination! Now I carry a 45 handgun when I get home late. Somebody better not mess with me when I leave my office and arrive at my home. I won’t miss! It’s a million in one chance that I will use it. You know my way of thinking is JUST LET IT GO! This kind of feeling will eat you up inside out. We must move forward no matter what people say or what they’ve done to you. Let’s move forward! Restructure ourselves , learn from our mistakes.

    1. It’s amazing how this conversation keeps going, wow, I never expected to get so many of you talking. I really appreciate all the comments.

      @Bruce, in the psychology field, there is a huge shortage of internships — around 28-29 percent of the applicants this year did not match to an internship. So you can see it’s a very competitive system. Another problem for my husband is this issue of “fit” that all of the sites obsess over (i.e., that they want interns who match up with what they’re doing), and he doesn’t really “fit” all that well with the current sites; what he is doing in his work/research is drastically different and arguably new for the field, so it is extremely easy for sites to exclude him, saying “he does not fit with our site.” A counseling psychology professor also recently told me that he was doing research on the profession of psychology himself, and found that many psychology professors have a bias against foreigners working in the field; I would guess the same might hold true for decision makers at internship sites. So all of this stuff kind of works against John.

      But we’re not giving up, and I see some possibilities for finding an internship outside of this system. We really want to avoid this competitive system.

  51. Best wishes on this and your future. Think of it this way. It can be viewed from a different angle as a gift, forging ahead with something new and your own, going against had old traditions and status quo. Enjoy the ups of the journey, and take in stride the downs.

  52. Jocelyn,

    That’s what I was thinking. His major is very different ;therefore, finding that internship will take time. I understand that. Other people stop talking a long time ago but not with us. I have lots of things to do but always find a few minutes to comments .

  53. Hello John and Jocelyn,
    After reading the many interesting posts on discrimination, I am hesitant to ask the question, “Is it really discrimination? and in the practical realities of making a life – does it matter even though it hurts and is discrimination?”

    In the 25 over years that I have lived in this country, on both coasts, in Michigan and down south, in and out of inter racial relationships, AMWF, – after being denied opportunities because I sound different, after living through KKK rallies every weekend at the traffic light junction less than a mile away from my home and family, and spending time with a neighbor who had crosses burned in their front lawn, yes even in the 1980s and not reported in papers, watching my children in recent times be treated differently because they are different, I am learning that discrimination exists daily, in small and big ways, everywhere in this world of ours.

    I am a Chinese, born and bred in Singapore, with enough education and labels that won’t fit on a business card. (I just leave it all off)
    Today, as an employer, I will not hire anyone who does not fit the job requirements. As a Board member I do not approve applications for grants that do not fit into the parameters of the funding grant. The point is, whenever an application is different from what is requested, there are very few individuals out there today who will make a recommendation or decisions for an application that is different and that potentially may cause harm to their own careers or jobs. And why should they? It is up to the applicant to find an approach that makes it work for everyone. That is the reality. My friends who hold Phd’s in Psychology and Counseling, who are Chinese, persevered regardless and today are Professors of Psychology teaching future doctors, nurses, and psychologists of all ethnic backgrounds.

    We found options that worked for what we wanted and adapted.

    It is discrimination when there are two applicants with the same everything except that the Chinese applicant is more qualified and experienced than the other and is still denied the opportunity (personally experienced more times than I care to remember). It may not be discrimination when the applicant is attempting to be different from what the program is all about.

    I realized that the day I decided to move to this country with a whole different culture, values and mores, that it is I who had to adapt and persevere. We did not have friends, relatives or any support system when we arrived here in the middle of a recession. It took us quite a while to get going. Lots of rejection and closed doors. Everyone was still nice and smiley.

    I am familiar with the sound of slamming doors. However, I have also learned to fix the doors by myself. Growing up, it was always call the repairman. There were and still are so many new and different things to learn about living in a society that embraces the individual responsibility that comes with the freedom. I had to adapt my thinking, my lifestyle, my approach to life without losing who I am. It is indeed a wonderful world to be able to do this by my choice.

    There was a post that mentioned “perseverance”. To that should be added “tenacity”. Never give up! times 7 and times 7 again and again and when all else fails, “never give up” again.

    By the way, along the journeys I have had, there were many people in the parts of the country that I lived and worked at, who were accepting and supportive. Some whom I call friends today.

    Discrimination exists and always will. If I can make a difference for change, no matter how little, I will. If not, there are lots of other places and people where I can make a difference and still be who I am. Life is to short to spend energy on circumstance beyond my control and on idiots.

  54. I’m sorry to hear of this.

    Is reporting this discrimination and getting another assign mentor an option? I know big organizations usually have protocols because they are scared to death of lawsuits. It doesn’t always work, but sometimes it does.

    You two will find a way through this.

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