“I Awoke to Find a Girl Lying by My Side”: Chinese Men Open up About Dating Foreign Women on Vice.cn
“One evening, I drank heavily and the next morning I awoke to find a girl lying by my side. At the time I was incredibly embarrassed, and she was very shocked, because the night before she had also drank a lot. We couldn’t even remember who checked us into the room.”
This is the final installment of my English translation of a Chinese-language article on Vice.cn featuring interviews with four Chinese men who dated foreign women. Today’s interview is with a journalist and writer in Beijing who had many foreign girlfriends when he lived in southern Europe, including one he met the morning after a night of revelry under surprising circumstances.
If you missed the other three installments, have a look at “She Liked Having Threesomes”: Chinese Men Open up About Dating Foreign Women on Vice.cn, “The Moment Our Eyes Met, I Froze”: Chinese Men Open up About Dating Foreign Women on Vice.cn and “It Was Her First Time to Sleep With a Chinese Man”: Chinese Men Open up About Dating Foreign Women on Vice.cn.
28 years old, journalist/writer, living in Beijing
VICE: I heard you’ve had many foreign girlfriends.
I’ve had some. That’s because in my former media work, I would often get sent out of the country. So I would contact with many people, mainly in southern Europe. Spain, Portugal, Italy, Greece — I’ve lived for at least half a year or longer in all of them, and got to know many women.
Could you share some impressive stories?
Ha ha, there are quite many. The countries I went to are relatively laid-back. The economies are not that developed, but the flavor of life is very strong and the people are very warm. I remember the first time I went out with a foreigner was with a Portuguese girl. At that time I was really young, just 24 and it was my first time to live independently overseas. One evening, I drank heavily and the next morning I awoke to find a girl lying by my side. At the time I was incredibly embarrassed, and she was very shocked, because the night before she had also drank a lot. We couldn’t even remember who checked us into the room. Later we went downstairs to the reception desk to find someone to ask about this, and then went to a bar looking for friends to inquire about what happened the previous night. The whole process was really quite ridiculous, but also very romantic. That evening we were once again having dinner together, and then continued to reserve a hotel room. Everything just happened naturally.
Have you had a long-term relationship with any of them?
Yes, she was French. But I don’t really want to share this story, it’s a little painful and I haven’t yet gotten over it.
With so many foreign girlfriends, do you feel like you’ve brought honor to your country?
No. Because my work was often overseas, my circle of friends included people of all different nationalities. To me, the individual means more than the nation.
As a Chinese guy, it’s rare to date so many foreign girls, right?
Before, I had never really thought about it, because this kind of situation is really uncommon. But after the first time I did, I realized that even thinking about this was a way of underestimating myself. Even though Chinese men in the eyes of foreigners are mostly thought of as martial arts experts or bespectacled geeks, Westerners have a really narrow understanding of us. But when it comes to actual relationships, Western women are willing to get to know me well.
So Western stereotypes about Chinese men haven’t affected your relations with foreign women?
After I got to know that first Portuguese girl, they affected me less and less. The individual differences between women are really not that big. Every person’s needs are very similar, especially emotional ones. Everyone needs to be loved, cared for, acknowledged. But because of culture, these might manifest themselves in different ways. Individual differences are much greater than differences because of country, culture or race. Once I no longer paid attention to the sense of inferiority brought by these stereotypes, I was more confident and smooth in my encounters with foreign girls. It’s like a guy from Henan chasing a girl from Jiangsu – what stereotypes would he consider?
Are there a lot of Chinese men around you together with foreign women?
Very many, and it has always been their Chinese character that attracts the girls. One friend went to university in Argentina and he said, “Actually, foreigners have a much stronger curiosity about Easterners because we’re more mysterious, and who wouldn’t want to try something new?”So the point is that, for this person, at the appropriate time their particular traits are a plus.
Did these women gain any new impressions of Chinese men because of you?
Of course. When I was dating them, I would share some Chinese culture with them and prepare some Chinese dishes for them. Although some things are cultural differences brought about by history, having a new interpretation is always better than unilaterally listening to Western media.
But does it seem easier for Chinese girls to be together with foreigners?
Because in the eyes of foreigners, Asian men have a lower status than Asian women. The typical stereotype of Chinese, or say Asian men, among other countries is: high achievers at school, introverted. These are the qualities that we carry with us. Capitalist culture distorts this notion in books, movies and the media. So who would be willing go on a date with some guy who is not even a little cool?
But for women, although some were rather quietly intelligent when they were young, when they leave the country they can easily fit right in. On one hand it’s related to how women have a strong tolerance. On the other, it’s that Western culture is more accepting of Chinese women. And when you look closely at foreign men with Asian women, for the most part they are very close to each other’s cultural traits, and it’s hard to see Western men following the living habits of Eastern women. That’s because Western men, in today’s mainstream cognition, have an advantaged position in terms of skin color and gender, the symbolic meaning of the more “advanced” human existence. So naturally it will be easier for them to find people no matter where they are.
Do you have any advice for Chinese men who want to pursue foreign women?
You only need to remember this: you and her are both people.
This is the final installment of my English translation of a Chinese-language article on Vice.cn featuring interviews with four Chinese men who dated foreign women. If you missed the other three installments, have a look at “She Liked Having Threesomes”: Chinese Men Open up About Dating Foreign Women on Vice.cn, “The Moment Our Eyes Met, I Froze”: Chinese Men Open up About Dating Foreign Women on Vice.cn and “It Was Her First Time to Sleep With a Chinese Man”: Chinese Men Open up About Dating Foreign Women on Vice.cn.
I find it quite amusing, indeed, this “obsession” with “stereotypes,” so much so that I am reminded of this old adage, “The more a lie is repeated, the greater the likelihood that people will assume it to be true.” That being said, I tend to think that Filipinos like myself are probably the “most open minded” when it comes to interracial relationships by virtue of having a culture that is heavily steeped in Spanish and American influences, not to mention that of our Asian neighbors, the Chinese, in particular. But it is also important to state that such attitudes are also shaped by the fact that due to the country’s lowly economic status–in contrast with most of the neighboring countries, including those in Southeast Asia, Filipinos often jump at the chance to leave in search of a better quality-of-life, with marriage being viewed as a legitimate means of achieving that goal. That explains why Philippine women are often eager to date and marry Western men–Americans in particular, but that eagerness also extends to men of Philippine-descent who have achieved higher financial status, abroad, enough to offer a decent standard-of-living to their prospective wives and children. It is just a classic case of female hypergamy in action. Typically, the men who are based in Philippines cannot compete with Western men, in economic/financial terms, so when faced with such choices–all other factors considered equal, a woman will likely select someone who can provide a better quality-of-life. You can apply that situation to answering the question as to why fewer Chinese men (especially those from the mainland) date and marry White women compared to the other way around. At the very least, with White men from, say, the United States, Canada, Australia, and Europe, there is this chance that marrying them means leaving a lower economic situation in exchange for “greener pastures,” abroad, whereas, there are usually no such advantages to dating and marrying Chinese and Philippine men. How many White women would be eager to live in an Asian country, far from their immediate family, relatives, and friends? And how many of them are interested in actually bringing someone to their home country, who may have little compatibility with modern Western culture and values? So please, no nonsense about Asian men in Western countries not dating and marrying a comparable percentage of White women, again, in contrast with the other way around. In case people here are not paying attention, most of them actually prefer to date and marry people of their own culture and ethnicity. And why not? Here in the United States, there are plenty of quality, eligible Asian women to choose from. For lots of Asian guys, most White women are anathema especially in light of 2nd and 3rd wave feminism and the #metoo movement.
Really?
“You only need to remember this: you and her are both people.” Well, that is certainly good advice and makes this worth the read!
I’m glad I’m not “obsessed” with the notion of Philippine men with foreign women….
As a white woman I`m quite offended by the question that was asked in the interview “With so many foreign girlfriends, do you feel like you’ve brought honor to your country?” It seems to me that many asian men think that having a foreign girlfriend is like a badge of honour, another notch on their bedpost etc whereby it gives them face and makes them look good. No wonder many western women shy away from asian men if majority of them view us as some type of commodity that they can have sex with and discard once they get fed up.
I once backpacked in China and I was travelling on a slow train between Xian and Chengdu. I met some very interesting Chinese people including a young chinese man who I chatted to along with many other chinese passengers. Because I was the only white western woman on the train he thought he`d try his luck with me and asked me if I would go to a nightclub with him after arriving in Chengdu and then have sex with him!! The train journey took about 17 hours as it had been delayed many hours in leaving Xian so I was extremely tired once I arrived in Chengdu. I was never over friendly or overly polite with him. I certainly never flirted with him and I was dressed in jeans, a jumper, hiking boots and wearing no makeup. To sum up I never was dressed provocatively, I never gave him the come on and I certainly had no intention of going anywhere other than the hostel I was staying at. I politely gave him a firm “no” and he seemed confused as he thought that all western women were sluts and he thought they were willing to sleep with any man. I can undertand the media distorts people`s views on other cultures as the western media portray asian men as weak and nerdy but at the same time the asian media portray westerners as all free and easy and especially western women as sluts.
Luckily the chinese man who propositioned me was not a nutter and even though he was a little embarrassed he did leave me alone. I`m old enough whereby I can look after myself but if I`d been a very young teenage girl I would have been mortified.
I think its maybe one of the reasons why many western women stay away from men from other cultures especially very different cultures found in asian countries. Its not only the stereotypes but also western women are usually more streetwise about men and know that unfortunately many cutures out there view western women as sluts so why would we bother to put ourselves in a difficult situation? Some people might say that you have to move out of your comfort zone but whilst some people do so others don`t want to and their choice should be respected.
Many countries now have too many equality and diversity policies that are calling people racist when they`re not as they won`t follow or agree with those policies which is discrimination against them even though it might be an anti-discrimination policy!! I believe everyone has the right to make friends with, associate or disassociate with whomever they want without being told what to do as that`s what freedom truly is.
That’s a weird thought of “bring honor to your country” as that’s totally a personal matter.
One young man you met on the train, experiencedbackpacker, does not mean that all people there have the same notion towards western women. Movies and TV Shows are biased and are for entertaining only.
Just like “ManilaMemories” said, so many Asian women are marrying western men, for all kinds of reasons. But that’s not everyone. Are all those western men are so much better in most ways than their counterparts in the Asia? Not necessary. I personally have seen and talked to many guys in the US, who have Asian wifes/girlfriends, either living in the US, or in Asia. We couldn’t really change the stereotype, but don’t let it fool you.
Indeed, “experiencedbackpacker,” for the most part, you hit it right on the head, although the whole “stereotype” thing should really be dropped. If as you say, “many Western women stay away from men of other cultures,” I believe that’s their prerogative, and apparently, you agree since you say that “everyone has the right to make friends with, associate or disassociate with whomever they want without being told what to do.” But that’s not what the fringe aspects of AMWF ideology are about, from what I can see, what with blaming the “Western media” for perpetuating “stereotypes” that generate relationship disparities between AMWF as opposed to WMAF, and unfortunately, they have a few Asian guys buying into all that, including the late Alex Tizon. The AMWF “community” apparently “needs” a “scapegoat” and “Western media” is it…lol
You’re ridiculous.
Not “ridiculous,” “Jesterleigh,” because I can see the “real world” for what it is, minus the unnecessary ideological filters that others subject themselves, to. Incidentally, you even contradict yourself when in one of the other topics, you bring up the issue of “Asian male emasculation” as though it were a fact and then with a more recent post, you tell us about how Jeremy Long is trying to refute that, meaning, even he does not believe the claim. So make up your mind. Are Asian males “emasculated” or not? LOL So apparently, your idea of a “non-emasculated” Asian male is what, a porn star? That’s the best you could do? And you expect Asian guys like myself to take you, seriously?
No, there is no contradiction. And while we’re here, the purpose of fighting the stereotypes is not to take the freedom of association from people so that some arbitrary quota of AMWF couples can be met. The problem with the stereotypes is that they strip away from Asian men the ability to present their authentic selves and be judged on their individual merits; in other words, an Asian man trying to date anyone, and not necessarily a white woman, may be rejected out of hand before they have the chance to show who they are. These stereotypes should be condemned in the same way that the stereotypes of black men being dumb and violent are condemned. At the end of the day, it is, again, a matter of fairness and equality. Now, you could make an argument about the extent to which the stereotypes have a practical effect on the lives of individual Asian men, but it’s absurd to suggest that the stereotypes do not exist at all.
And explain to me again what exactly you see as being the “AMWF ideology” because you seem to have a propensity for using big words that don’t say anything of substance. Just for the record, I am not a member of this AMWF community that you’re so contemptuous of because 1) I’m not dating a white woman and 2) as far as sexual-racial preferences go I lean towards Korean women. That said, I understand that sites like Jocelyn’s blog exist not because there is a desire to promote the union between Asian men and white women. Rather, it is a reaction to the snarky attitude and outright hostility that people have toward AMWF couples. Now, you’ll probably “LOL” at this as well but for these people the problems do exist and they have real practical consequences.
Amen to that.
Oh please, those “imaginary” stereotypes that exist in your head, huh? Funny how all these years, I didn’t notice much of it even though I have lived as an Asian male, um, all my life…lol As for that “snarky attitude” and “outright hostility” towards AMWF couples, that I have yet to observe, first hand, but which, understandably existed way before I was born, yeah, sure, those are “real problems” that generally seem to occur primarily within a secular social environment that I generally detach myself from due to its shallow and narcissistic nature. I happen to be a martial arts enthusiast and have trained on and off for over thirty years. Within that diverse community, the very mention of Asian male emasculation would likely get you the strangest looks. The same could be said within professional social circles where I also prefer to interact, and where people are judged and admired by the quality of their work, or within intellectual discussion groups where I participate occasionally, one gains respect by making intelligent and thoughtful contributions about various topics. So tell me again how I am somehow “emasculated.” LOL Being a “short,” “ordinary-looking” Asian guy isn’t so bad, after all, in light of what I just said.
Incidentally, back in my day, so-called Asian male “stereotypes” consisted of somebody assuming that I was into martial arts, or something to that effect. It just so happened to be “true” so was there reason for me to be “offended?” LOL Or that whole “model minority” thing where we were suppose to be “smart in school.” Nobody ever openly questioned my masculinity based on some “negative,” “stereotypical” assumption that no one, around me, seems to have heard of.
You’re still ridiculous.