China | Speaking of China

“A Geek in China” by Matthew Christensen – an Interview

Many years ago, when I first stepped foot into that Beijing airport, there was one thing I desperately longed for. Something that, no matter how hard I tried, it could never fit into my luggage.

A better understanding of China.

I had spent the previous months that summer on a crash-course in all things China. It was a frantic attempt to fill in the gaps that my educational background – a newly graduated environmental biology major – didn’t begin to cover. I read stacks of books and every news story I could find about China. I reached out to Americans who had lived there and peppered them with all sorts of questions about the country. I even talked to students from China.

But despite all of that, I felt woefully uninformed about China as I took those first tentative steps there as a foreigner. It wasn’t easy to find a book that encompassed everything I wanted to know about the country – the culture, literature and history, as well as the people, places and even guidance for foreigners new to China.

If only A Geek in China, the new book by Dr. Matthew Christensen, had been around then.

A Geek in China is the perfect book for anyone who wants to be culturally savvy about China, fast. In 150 pages that make for terrific reading, you can quickly transcend the usual travel guide stuff on China and really delve into the intricacies of the country.

You’ll find out who is Li Bai and why everyone loves the Monkey King. You’ll meet the butterfly lovers, China’s version of Romeo and Juliet, and get a rundown on how to order Chinese food and where to find the best eats, wherever you are. You’ll read about the meaning of a “harmonious society”, how Chinese date and marry, and many popular slang terms, including diaosi. You can discover why more people in China own dogs, what it’s like working in a Chinese office, and how to make the most of your study abroad experience in China. You’ll learn about the growth in Chinese overseas tourism, superstar singers such as Faye Wong and Teresa Teng, and talented artists beyond Ai Weiwei (such as Ding Yi). You’ll get a rundown on the best movies, TV shows and actors today. You’ll also find recommendations for where to travel, from Beijing’s Great Wall to Xinjiang’s ancient desert oasis of Tuyoq.

By the time you finish A Geek in China, you’ll gain a more nuanced, comprehensive understanding of China – and also have all the basics to talk intelligently about the country with average people. I’ve met many foreigners who have been here for years and still don’t know a lot of the information in this book. It should be required reading for anyone who wants to be more knowledgeable about China, especially when it comes to basic cultural literacy.

I’m honored to introduce A Geek in China and Dr. Matthew B. Christensen through this interview.

Here is Dr. Christensen’s bio from his publisher:

Dr. Matthew B. Christensen holds degrees in Chinese, international relations, and Chinese linguistics. He is Professor of Chinese in the Department of Asian & Near Eastern Languages at Brigham Young University where he has been teaching for the past twenty years. His research interests include Chinese language and culture, Chinese poetry, Chinese culinary culture, and teaching Chinese as a foreign language. He blogs about his adventures exploring China at intothemiddlekingdom.com.

You can learn more about A Geek in China at Tuttle Publishing, and follow Dr. Christensen on his blog. A Geek in China is available at Amazon.com, where your purchases help support this blog.

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Tell us how you came to write this book.

I have been interested in cultural literacy for quite some time now. By cultural literacy I mean the kinds of everyday knowledge that kids in China grow up with, like who Confucius was, the importance of face in Chinese culture, and the Chinese obsession with food and eating. I teach Chinese at the university level and it is disheartening to see students with good language skills but have never heard of the famous poets Li Bai or Du Fu. It would be like someone in the West who had never heard of Shakespeare. With this book I wanted to provide short essays on the many cultural references that come up in everyday speech, in the news, literature, film and so on. If you don’t understand something about Chinese history and culture, you miss an awful lot in everyday conversations and in the media.

Could you talk about how you approached the research for this guide?

The research for this book was a combination of several things, including books from my own library, Internet sources, previous research for other projects (my previous book Decoding China), first-hand experience, as well as native Chinese colleagues and students. Some of the topics I am quite familiar with, such as the sections on the Chinese language, Chinese food, communication, history and so on. However, there were sections that took a great deal more work. Being at a University, I was also able to get feedback from colleagues as well. For example, the section on Chinese history was fact-checked by a colleague in the Department of History, and the sections dealing with politics were reviewed by a colleague in political science who specializes in Chinese politics.

I am not too big on popular culture so I had to rely on native Chinese colleagues and Chinese students for the sections on television, film, and pop music. For those sections I would do some research, then have native Chinese review it and give me some feedback and suggestions. When I did use the Internet I tried to focus on academic-oriented websites and always double and triple checked all my information for accuracy.

You cover so much information in this book. Was it difficult deciding what to include — and conversely, what to leave out?

Yes, it was difficult. Obviously, one could write volumes about China and the Chinese. I wanted this book to be accessible to a broad audience. The biggest challenge was to keep the essays succinct, especially in areas that I found most interesting. What I find interesting may not be of that much interest to the general reader, so I had to keep things broad and general. In the end, I was thinking about my students and others who plan to go to China and the kinds of information that would be most valuable for them to know.

What was your favorite section or chapter to write, and why?

I’m pretty passionate about Chinese food so that was a fun chapter to work on. I’m actually working on a book about Chinese culinary culture so I really had to cut back on this section of the book. Chinese food is so varied and complex and over my career I have been exploring all the different varieties around China.

Your guide includes an entire section just about the experience of being a foreigner in China, including a helpful list of dos and don’ts. Could you share with us some of the tips you wish you had read when you were first coming to China?

When I first went to China in the early 1980’s there was very little written about visiting China. There were lots of history books about China but most things were academic in nature and did not deal with encountering the Chinese at the street level. Most of that section would have been very valuable for me to have. Instead I had to learn mostly through experience, trial and error, and so on. I did do some reading about Chinese philosophy which was helpful in understanding how the Chinese view the world, and how their behavior is a reflection of their world view.

You recommend a number of off-the-beaten path destinations in China. Could you share with us one of your personal favorites and tell us why you love it?

I’m quite fond of Tibetan culture, but it is expensive and more difficult to travel in Tibet proper. Yunnan Province, particularly the northwest part of the province that borders Tibet and Sichuan Province, is a great place to visit Tibetan communities without the hassle of getting the permits and guides to travel in Tibet. The city of Shangrila is a great jumping off point to exploring the surrounding mountainous area that is full of Tibetan villages. I did a few posts on my blog (intothemiddlekingdom.com) about this area.

Trekking in Shangri-la: Songzanlin Monastery

Trekking in Shangri-la: Up a remote river valley

Trekking in Shangri-la: Niru Village

Trekking in Shangri-la: Over the pass to Shudu Lake

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A big thank you to Dr. Matthew Christensen for this interview! You can learn more about A Geek in China at Tuttle Publishing, and follow Dr. Christensen on his blog. A Geek in China is available at Amazon.com, where your purchases help support this blog.

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How to Celebrate Valentine’s When Your Boyfriend/Girlfriend Is in China

When my husband Jun and I first met each other in China, the last thing I expected was to navigate a long-distance relationship with him.

Fast-forward a couple of years to when I was in Shanghai, and my company decided to post me to their Taipei office. Just as I jumped at the opportunity, a part of me struggled. At the time, it was nearly impossible for mainland Chinese to travel to Taiwan. This chance to work in Taipei meant we’d be separated across the great Taiwan Strait – and also forced to celebrate Valentine’s Day apart for the first time.

How do you celebrate Valentine’s Day – this ever-important holiday for lovers – when your boyfriend or girlfriend is in China? How do you manage the distance and still make the holiday something special?

Here are 3 of the ways Jun and I survived our first Valentine’s Day apart:

#1: Make a virtual date

If Jun and I had been together in Shanghai, we’d have gone out for a romantic dinner for two at one of our favorite vegetarian restaurants, such as the Jujube Tree.

Of course, it was impossible for us to dine together, with him in Shanghai and me in Taipei. But we could do the next best thing – make a virtual date to talk with each other.

Back then, our only choice was the phone. But nowadays, video chat means you can have your loved one beside you (well, virtually) while you’re enjoying your Valentine’s Day dinner or evening (or anything else…hint, hint!). If you have a tablet, you could even set it up across from you at your table, turning it into a virtual table for two!

#2: Write them a romantic message

During my stint in Taipei, e-mail became my best friend – because it was one of the best ways for Jun and me to stay in touch every single day. E-mail was also how I sent Jun a romantic (and kind of cheesy) poem I drafted just for him.

Nowadays, with messaging apps (such as WhatsApp and WeChat) it’s even easier to send your loved one a romantic poem or message. You can even add some cute stickers, photos or images to let them know just how much you miss them.

#3: Send your loved one a care package through online shopping

When I was living in Taipei, Taiwanese style mochi – soft rice cakes stuffed with sweet fillings – became one of my favorite snacks. Because I had never had them in Shanghai, I decided to send Jun some mochi to share a little local flavor while reminding him how much I loved him.

This was a great idea in theory, but a lot of trouble in practice. I had to find the nearest post office and give up one of my lunch breaks to get there. There was also the hassle of packaging everything, getting Jun’s address written correctly (in traditional Chinese characters, which I wasn’t used to), and spending more money than I anticipated. Ouch.

Fortunately, Jun received the package. But goodness knows, it could have been lost or snarled up in customs (both of which still happen when people send things to me in China, even today). Let’s just say I was crossing my fingers and praying to the postal deities that it would arrive. 😉

Nowadays, online shopping has made shipping your Valentine’s Day care packages to China a breeze.

If you already have a Taobao or Tmall account, you don’t even need to hassle with customs. Just browse your favorite shops and buy! This is by far the least expensive option. I’m impartial to Tmall’s online supermarket (天猫超市), which guarantees next-day shipping in most major cities and has loads of delicious gifts for your loved one, including imported chocolates and wine. Also, if you choose a reliable provider like Tmall’s online supermarket, you can be confident your package will arrive on time.

But of course, Taobao and Tmall are all in Chinese, and require users to have a Chinese bank account or credit card to use them. Can’t read Chinese? Can’t open an account? No worries.

One option is to find a Taobao agent, such as Taobao Focus, who will shop for you for a small fee. But if you’d prefer to do your shopping on your own, in English, you can still send a romantic care package to China through Gift Baskets Overseas.

Gift Baskets Overseas offers a variety of Valentine’s Day gift baskets – yes, including chocolates and wine – with listings in English, all backed by their 100 percent satisfaction guarantee. (If you’re not 100 percent satisfied with your order, they will either make it right or refund your money. How cool is that?) Gift Baskets Overseas takes care of everything and ships to 317 locations in China, covering just about anywhere your loved one would be.

(As a full disclosure, I am an affiliate for Gift Baskets Overseas. But I wouldn’t recommend them if I didn’t absolutely believe in their products and service.)

If you’d like to make a Valentine’s Day purchase through Gift Baskets Overseas, I’m offering my readers a special 13% discount off all Valentine’s Day gift baskets (including those with wine and chocolate). Just use the code VAL13 when you’re checking out.

Regardless of how you choose to celebrate, wishing all of you a wonderful Valentine’s Day!

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Photo Essay: Chinese New Year 2017 in Rural Hangzhou, China

It’s the year of the golden rooster. Happy Chinese New Year! While I’m taking a little time off to recharge a little during the holidays, I thought I’d share some photos from our Chinese New Year celebration in rural Hangzhou, China.

The biggest dinner of the year — Chinese New Year’s Eve dinner!

As always, every Chinese New Year’s Eve includes passing out the hongbao (红包，red envelopes) stuffed with lucky money for the new year.

As always, Jun and I brought some Chinese New Year gifts (nianhuo, 年货) to share with the family. On the left I’m carrying a gift box filled with an assortment of fancy nuts (complete with a “golden egg” design visible on the box); on the right, a gift box of large Xinjiang jujube dates.

On the first day of the new year, it’s time to wear your new clothes! Jun and I are both wearing new sweaters.

With such beautiful weather on the first day of the new year, we couldn’t resist stealing away to the countryside to enjoy the gorgeous scenery. Here we discover a waterfall cascading down the cliffs.

As we wandered beside the river, we were bathed in the golden sunshine. It was one of the most relaxing afternoons I’ve enjoyed in a long time.

The evening of the first day of the new year, I also helped my mother-in-law make migu, a special turnover we enjoy during the holidays. The dough is made from rice flour, and the filling is usually tofu and pickled vegetables and/or bamboo.

We visited Jun’s godfather during the holidays, presenting him with a hongbao and some baijiu liquor. He prepared us some sugar cane to snack on. Above, there he is, peeling off the rough exterior of the cane as I watch in the background.

As usual, we dined on some of the most delicious food of the year. One of our most memorable meals was at Jun’s Aunt and Uncle’s home next door to us. She even prepared a special hotpot of savory tofu and napa cabbage, plus her mouthwatering homemade kimchi. Yum!

Wishing everyone a prosperous and auspicious Chinese New Year!

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3 Ways NOT to Impress Family During Chinese New Year

Chinese New Year is coming! If this is your first time spending the holidays with a Chinese family, here are 3 things that will definitely NOT impress:

#1: Be totally antisocial

Chinese New Year is all about reuniting with family and friends to celebrate. You’re meant to get out there, attend those dinners, and knock on those doors with red gifts in hand.

Which means the worst thing you could do is be utterly antisocial.

Now, let’s get clear about what antisocial really means in this context. Sitting quietly at the dinner table or among guests, not speaking much, doesn’t necessarily apply. You don’t have to be chatty to win their hearts over. Just being present, butt in seat and chopsticks in hand, will suffice.

But if you spend the whole holiday locked up in your room, only consuming crappy ramen noodles (I actually witnessed someone in my husband’s village who did this), you’re definitely going to piss off more than a few people.

#2: Don’t prepare any gifts

Years ago, when I was getting ready to experience Chinese New Year for the first time ever, a friend clued me in on my obligation to my hosts. “You need to buy them some gifts,” she said, even taking me shopping in the supermarket next door to pick out the perfect one for them.

Chinese New Year gifts are such a big deal that every supermarket creates huge red-and-gold displays filled with all the usual suspects to lure shoppers – from fine alcohol and spirits, to dried fruits and nuts, to even traditional Chinese remedies like ginseng and Dong quai. These are all neatly packaged, often with their own attractive red-and-gold gift boxes or bags. All you have to do is show up at the house, goods in hand.

But if you show up empty handed, you won’t win any favors. Especially if you’re a foreigner. Most Chinese think foreigners have a lot of money, despite your current financial circumstances. They’re probably expecting you to bring some of the best gifts at the table – or at the very least, something as good as everyone else.

With nothing in hand, you’ll be branded as either rude or stingy. And quite possibly might be the talk of the family…but not for the reasons you’d hope.

#3: Dress in shabby or old clothing

I’m pretty sure my mother-in-law was privately shocked when, one Chinese New Year, I didn’t have a single new sweater or jacket to wear.

It didn’t matter that my down jacket was a gorgeous ruby red that glimmered in the sun, and nicer than most of the jackets I could have bought in the stores in Hangzhou. Or that my sweater was less than a year old and still in fine condition. Or even that my Calvin Klein jeans looked as good as new.

I had broken one of the cardinal rules of Chinese New Year. I was wearing something old, which is totally inauspicious and against the usual custom.

My mother-in-law has often reminded me about the importance of wearing nice clothes. Clothing is like your public face, and how everyone dresses reflects on the whole family.

Now, it’s one thing to wear old clothing…but if you really don’t want to impress the family, show up in something old and shabby. Dress like you’re about to renovate an apartment in the middle of China’s winter, or beg on the streets for a few extra kuai.

(Chances are, your family would be so embarrassed they’d probably give you something decent to wear. And force you to wear it.)

P.S.: Want to know how to impress family during Chinese New Year? Read all about how to impress your boyfriend or girlfriend’s family in China during Chinese New Year, or how you can prepare to meet the family in China.

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How NOT to Give Gifts in China

I’ve written a lot over the years on what gifts to give – so much so, the number one post on this site is all about gifts.

But what are the things to avoid? How should you NOT give gifts in China? Here are 4 ideas you won’t want to try:

#1: Give something really cheap

I once came across a foreign woman in China staying with a family during her trip to Beijing. When I asked her what gifts she had prepared for them, she gleefully dug the hotel shampoo samples out from her suitcase. “Won’t these be perfect?”

I mentally cringed at the sight of those sad little plastic bottles, realizing this girl was on the verge of embarrassing herself in Beijing. That’s when I took her aside and clued her in on the reality. That one of the biggest no-nos for gift-giving in China is giving something cheap (or, worse, free).

Think of a gift as a version of your public face. When you give something cheap, you’re saying you don’t value the person or the relationship enough. Not exactly the kind of Hallmark sentiment you were aiming for, eh?

How much does the quality of your gift matter? Let me put it to you this way – Chinese would rather spend less on themselves just to buy the perfect gifts for their friends, family and valued business partners. It’s that important.

That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t shop around for a good deal. As I write this, I’m currently doing my shopping for Chinese New Year gifts. And trust me, I always hunt around for the best deal. But for me, the bottom line is a good price on quality gifts. It has to be quality, otherwise I won’t buy it.

So ditch the freebies and samples, and go for quality, name brand goods.

#2: Make your gift look sloppy

Growing up, I struggled with the art of wrapping Christmas and birthday presents. My corners bulged. I never seemed to be able to fold the edges without them getting unnecessarily wrinkled. And I used way too much tape. Sometimes, the result looked as though the box had fallen down the stairs a couple of times.

In other words, they were sloppy. Really sloppy.

I got away with sloppy gifts because I was a kid. But in China, if your gifts look sloppy, you may not get the same pass.

How your gift looks matters in China. It’s so important that, during Chinese New Year, most new year gifts include neat little gift boxes or bags. They’re usually a sturdy red plastic, embossed with golden characters and festive décor (such as the year’s Chinese zodiac animal). How cool is that?

Let me tell you, I adore those gift boxes and bags. Not only do they make the gift look gorgeous, but they also mean I don’t have to wrap anything. I’m better off staying far away from wrapping paper – otherwise I’ll end up with a sloppy and totally embarrassing gift.

CC0, https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?curid=30910804

#3: Give a gift that reminds people of funerals or death

Chances are, you’ve probably heard the advice to avoid white colors or clocks . Why? Because white is the traditional funeral color, and the Chinese words for giving a clock (songzhong) sound like sending someone death. (Yikes!)

Let’s face it – invoking death and funerals is not exactly the best way to show you care. Apart from joke gifts or Halloween paraphernalia, I’ve never met someone in the US happy to receive, say, a miniature coffin or a tiny gravestone with their name on it. Why would it be any different in China?

So how do you avoid this trap? Simple. Besides the general moratorium on white or clocks, I’d also avoid sending anyone a wreath of multicolored flowers. Folks in China place them on gravestones.

#4: Be stingy

If you’ve ever attended a banquet in China, then you’ve probably left thinking, “What a waste of food.” Yes, most banquets mean ordering ungodly amounts of food – so much that nobody in their right mind could possibly finish it all. I’ve left many a banquet shocked by the amount of leftovers.

But there’s a reason why hosts will ply their guests with more delicious food than anyone could possibly eat. In China, it’s important to be generous with what you give to others. (This explains why my mother-in-law always tries sending us home with heaping bags of vegetables from her garden or freshly made tofu.)

This idea of generosity is also true for giving gifts. Which is why being stingy with amounts will always get you into trouble.

Whenever I buy gifts, I generally opt for larger sizes or larger amounts. I want to give them an abundance of goodness, whether that’s a heaping basket of extra-fresh fruit or a case of imported French wine. There’s no better way to show you care than with a little more.

What are your gift-giving don’ts for China?

P.S.: Need some suggestions on what to give your friends and family in China? I highly recommend reading my Huffington Post article The Top 6 Gifts Sure To Please Your Chinese Family. You can also peruse my Holiday Gift Roundup post, which includes my most popular post, Giving Gifts to Your Chinese Family – A Modest Guide.

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Guest Post: When Tradition Gets in the Way of Intercultural Dating

How many of you have ever had tradition or cultural differences get between you and your intercultural relationship? I’ll never forget the handsome guy from Nanjing who couldn’t even date me because his family expected him to marry a Chinese girl. Or the Northern guy who was my boyfriend for less than a month, until he discovered his parents could never accept a foreign girl.

Well, Lena (who blogs and vlogs at Lena Around) had all but given up on finding a mainland Chinese fellow because of all the trouble involved. But then she falls for a fellow she meets in Beijing…and soon discovers that tradition could potentially turn them into two star-crossed lovers.

Do you have a story you’re itching to share here on the blog? Check out the submit a post page to learn more about how to have your words published here.
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I’m not new to this. I’ve been ‘in a relationship’ with China for five years. We have been through good and bad times. We have loved and hated each other but I always come back. I learned something every time. During those years with China I have dated both Mainland Chinese guys, kissed a Taiwanese one, saw an Australian Chinese, made out with a British Chinese and fell hard for a Danish Vietnamese. I’ve been around indeed. Every time I bumped into a guy, I would learn something. I learned that even though they have a handsome Asian face, they don’t act like an Asian guy if they grew up abroad. I wanted Asian culture to be a part of our relationship but it wasn’t. But on the other hand, I also very fast learned that if they had grown up in China, they would be thousands of kilometers away from me when it came to culture and the way we act and think.

After years in China, I’d given up on finding a mainland Chinese guy. There were still cuties around but I knew that the cultural aspect was mafan (trouble) and I was quite sure that our personalities also just wouldn’t suit each other. I’m outgoing, curious and independent and I always saw the Chinese girls as being the opposite so I had settled with the thought of only ‘dating’ China but not the people.

But when I had just settled with that then it happened. He came. I literally bumped into him. I was at this silly speed-dating event because my friend had a crush on the host. I just wanted to make a video and thought, hell yeah, why not? So we went. I sat down at one of the tables and each table had a staff member who told us how to introduce ourselves and play the games. Then he came. The staff member at my table talked to him for a second and then she got up and he sat down besides me. I turned around and played the ‘I’m-just-a-stupid-foreigner-who-doesn’t-understand-anything-card’ and asked about the rules of the game that the other girl had just explained to us a moment earlier. He was patient and told me again. Then I asked about his name because I couldn’t read his characters (that was for real) and I got his Wechat from the girl after he had left the table (yes, sneaky me).

We met up one week later and talked all evening. The same happened the day afterwards and the day after again. I walked around with a big smile on my face all day because of this.

But then the problem came.

After we had said goodnight one evening, he send me a text on Wechat. He said he had something serious to talk to me about. I asked him if he was married. He thought I was joking. I wasn’t because it wasn’t the first time that had happened to me.

He told me then that he was from a very traditional family and he was the only child. His father is very strict and he knew that he had to go home for Chinese New Year to ask his father to accept that he was seeing a foreign girl. I wasn’t sure what to say and it was all just one big mess in my head. He apologized and told me that he was scared too but he also knew that he had to do this.

Because I’m not new to China, I had heard about this situation before so even though my foreign friends laughed at the whole situation (I did a bit too in between the down-moments), I wasn’t really that surprised, just sad because I had a feeling that the father wouldn’t accept this and now I’d finally found somebody who I connected with. Somebody who was fun, chatty, good-looking and smart. He also had a big interest in Chinese history and culture just like me and we could talk for hours about different society issues and historical matter. I didn’t want to let go of this now. It was only the beginning of a beautiful thing, I thought.

Now one month later, I’m still telling myself to not think about it but of course I do because I am an over-thinker and that is what we do. Nobody around me here has tried this before so I can only talk to my guy about it. I call him my boyfriend for now but I know that it might not be for long. He is going back in January so please wish me all the best of luck. I think I need it very much.

Editor’s note: Unfortunately, things did not work out for Lena — his family could not accept her.

Lena is a 20-something Danish girl who is currently working on a master’s degree in Beijing and writing about her travels, China (her favorite place) and love. You can follow her at lenaaround.com.

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Speaking of China is always on the lookout for outstanding guest posts! If you have something you’d like us to feature, visit the submit a post page for details — and then submit yours today.

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3 Ways To Do Christmas, Chinese Style

Christmas is coming! If you’d like to do Christmas like the Chinese do, here are three ideas for the holidays:

(Photo by Tom Gill via https://www.flickr.com/photos/lapstrake/2899950676/)

#1: Eat apples on Christmas Eve

“Isn’t it true you eat apples on Christmas Eve?”

When my sister-in-law asked me this, I remember thinking, huh? Where did she get this idea?

Well, it’s not hard to imagine why Chinese would have this idea. After all, the Chinese for Christmas Eve – Ping’an Ye (平安夜) – has the character ping (平) in it, which means peace. That sounds just like the ping in the Chinese word for apples (pingguo，苹果).

Last Christmas, I actually saw women selling “Christmas Eve” apples on the street. They promised every buyer a peaceful new year with the fruit.

Truth or fiction? While I doubt an apple on Christmas Eve will keep all the bad luck away, who doesn’t love a little fresh fruit for the holidays? What the heck, why not apples?

And if there’s peace in the end, bonus.

#2: Make it romantic

In China, when Christmas is coming, it’s time to turn on the romance. As I wrote a few years ago:

I’ll never forget one Christmas Eve when I stepped out onto Huaihai Road, Shanghai’s equivalent of Fifth Avenue, and right into a sea of twentysomething and thirtysomething couples, strolling hand-in-hand under strings of soft white led Christmas lights up and down the street. There were so many young people in love all around me, I almost felt like I walked onto a set-in-China romantic holiday movie.

It’s not as if Christmas isn’t romantic in the US, where I grew up. After all, Christmas remains the most popular time for wedding proposals, and often a season when many will surprise their loved ones with “a little sparkle” of jewelry under the tree. Plus, there’s at least one romantic holiday movie every year that squeezes in among all of the Santa Claus and elves at the movies (and often far more made-for-TV romantic movies — yes, Lifetime, I’m thinking of you).

But perhaps all that Christmas romance gets lost behind the Santa Claus and the Christmas story and Christmas Eve at your grandma’s and all of your other holiday and family traditions. I don’t know about you, but in my mind, I still think of family when I think of Christmas, and no amount of romantic movies and “buy your engagement ring” commercials could ever change that.

In China, the story changes. Christmas loses much of the holiday baggage and traditions we know because, well, it’s not traditionally in Chinese culture. At the same time, more young people tend to celebrate, instead of the cross-generational celebrations I remembered growing up. Maybe it’s just inevitable that, when you strip away the traditional meanings of the holiday and populate it with young people, romance is what you get.

In China, a romantic Christmas night out might include dinner for two at a cozy little restaurant. Or walking down the city streets, enjoying the Christmas lights and the crowds. Or even, if you’re lucky, a Christmas proposal. 😉

#3: Enjoy some traditional Chinese Winter Solstice Foods

The closest holiday to Christmas in China is the Winter Solstice. In the north, people ring in the holiday with dumplings (jiaozi). In the south, people eat tangyuan or similar foods (such as the sesame balls or maqiu my mother-in-law prepares). If you want to add some Chinese traditions to your Christmas, why not serve a traditional solstice food during your holiday dinner? Here’s a super-easy recipe for my mother-in-law’s homemade sesame balls.

Wishing everyone a very Merry Christmas!

What are your plans for the holidays?

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Guest Post: First Comes Baby, Then His Lawyer

Sometimes you never know where a relationship — or unexpected pregnancy — will take you. For the anonymous author of this post, hers led to a baby son and, later, papers from her boyfriend’s lawyer.

Do you have a story you want to share here on Speaking of China? Visit the submit a post page to learn how you can have your words published here.
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(Photo by Johannes Lander via https://www.flickr.com/photos/isnow/5700736622/)

“It’s a joke,” I declare, staring at my pregnancy test, seeing a plus sign in one window and a line in another one. The line fades away. I pick up instructions, studying the text, but no matter how it looks, if both windows have lines, pregnancy is imminent.

“It’s a joke, a joke.”

Years ago, I would have wanted to find myself pregnant. Not because I was ready, but simply because it would have been with someone I loved. That day, little did I know that I would fall into a bottomless pit of my relationship with the father of my baby.

Fast forward to few weeks later. The doctor confirmed my pregnancy as my boyfriend, my mother and I come back for an ultrasound to find out the age of my baby. That day I was instructed to drink a lot of water few hours before and not go to the bathroom. Disbelief settled inside as I watched women enter with their husbands/boyfriends. I wondered how it will be to see my child on the screen, and what my child will look like.

Finally, my mother, my boyfriend and I enter into the ultrasound room. I recall undressing, a generous amount of special lube being squeezed onto my belly and without preamble I see my baby, the size of a small pea. Then a loud sound begins echoing throughout the room, fast beats that sound almost frog-like. The baby’s heartbeat, I realize, stunned at the idea that my baby has developed a heartbeat. I turn to my boyfriend, wondering if he is sharing in my emotions, but he is blank. When I asked him, he says something like this is routine for him, which disappoints me greatly. I learn that the baby is younger than thought; seven or so weeks instead of nine.

(Photo by David via https://www.flickr.com/photos/davidandnalini/154579224/)

Days become months, and the seasons pass. My boyfriend is busy with nursing school, dealing with what I will call the “mid-life” crisis minus the motorcycle and a 6’0 foot tall Amazon blonde who whispers sweet forevers. I live with my parents as I check my phone, seeing texts sometimes but not everyday as I hope.

He should text more. He should care more.

I am expecting our first child and find myself feeling guilty and uncertain that things have turned out the way they did. His first words when I mentioned my pregnancy? “It’s not the right time, not the right time.” I grind my teeth. Tell that to our child who has no concept of time and continues to grow. Babies, as I learned, have a very poor sense of timing.

My feelings towards him are less and less certain and become more conflicted. In some cases he and my mom disagree. For example, the changing table. He is unemployed, but seems to have savings. Yet he sees no need to spend money on a changing table. His solution? Use newspapers on the sofa to change our child. (Luckily my father’s friend lent us a changing table, thus the idea of newspapers on sofa is nixed.) School work comes first, I come last, almost an afterthought. “If he has time to eat and go to the bathroom, then he has time to text you,” my mother tells me. “Not an excuse.” I agree. Really hard to argue with that logic.

One of my favorite days of the year is the day I gave birth. What is interesting is that our child’s birth is the anniversary of when my boyfriend first arrived in America. Perhaps those two days are the last time I felt connected and happy with him.

Afterwards, little by little we descended into Dante’s nine circles of hell.

While the birth was easy thanks to an epidural, the aftermath is a war. I begin the losing battle of breast-feeding our son. The reason my boyfriend supports me? “It’s cheaper than buying formula.” What about the baby’s health and all those benefits? “That, too,” he adds as an afterthought.

After the birth, my body is shattered, battered, even requiring a gallbladder surgery where I had to spend my first mother’s day in a hospital. My boyfriend was only there afterwards and not when I needed him the most; before the surgery.

(Photo by Toshiyuki IMAI via https://www.flickr.com/photos/matsuyuki/5529402284/)

My mind tries to adjust to having a crying infant in the house that needs me every two hours to feed him and change his diapers. My boyfriend is forty minutes away, yet school and studies in nursing consume all his thoughts. I barely sleep as I need to get up and feed my son formula during the night. He comes once a week, maybe once every few weeks. “Please help me at night,” I ask him one day. “I need my sleep,” he says. What about me, I want to ask him. Don’t I need my sleep as well? I have a son to take care of, yet instead I am concerned about his interactions with our son because he tends to seem distant. I catch him spending more time on the computer rather than interacting with our child.

The roles become 1950s, that of a workaholic father and a stay-at-home mother trying to keep sane. We drift further and further apart as I begin to feel my needs are not being met. In addition, my parents begin to point out qualities about him that I wish I could excuse or not even notice. Our dates consist of Wal-Mart, a local Chinese supermarket and restaurants. I am closed off in front of the impenetrable wall that he is, and I feel as if I cannot share my innermost self with him for fear of being ignored or rebuffed. We get together but instead of words, food speaks to us. It is an isolating experience where I enjoy the taste far more than his company.

An accumulation of hurt, pain and distance take a toll when all becomes unleashed later that year, the last time he and I were truly happy together. As we walk around the lake, all that came to me is the idea of fireworks, the last happy moments before hell is unleashed in Chinese Paladin as well as Dream of the Red Chamber before death enters into the picture.

Summer weather teases the senses with heat as he asks me about moving to an island overseas. He got offered a great job. There’s a huge relocation bonus if my son and I travel there with him.

No, I answer him. The baby will be too young. There will be diseases there like Hepatitis A, typhoid. There’s the threat of hurricanes and earthquakes and tsunamis, plus, only two hospitals for the entire island.

After listening, he threatens to take our son there.

I am at loss for words. Has he said what I thought he said? He didn’t. He couldn’t. Yet the words paralyzed me.

(Photo by Helga Weber via https://www.flickr.com/photos/helga/4723657763/)

He says he wants to be family, and wants to be together. His mother traveled from Massachusetts to where I live and gave me bracelets as a dowry along with a bunch of gifts for our son.

Yet he threatened the unthinkable.

Weeks later, money divides us further as misunderstandings arise about how much to pay my family child support. Even though his second offer was acceptable to me, I discovered I’m late in answering him – he has already called in a lawyer.

I call him and beg him to get rid of the lawyer; I agreed to his second sum payment. “It’s out of my hands, out of my hands,” he repeats over and over to my pleas.

I hang up the phone, angry and frightened by the possibility of a lawsuit.

Days later, I get the papers served. He is in the house as a witness to my emotions. I countersue him back for child support, to show him that in this one instance, I will not be cowered down.

Thus ended our relationship, broken by misunderstandings and greed.

Editor’s note: the anonymous author of this post is still fighting to keep her son.
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To the Girl Whose Boyfriend’s ￥8,000/Mo Salary “Wasn’t Enough”

130659141_9bed732899_z — (Photo by Thomas Hawk via https://www.flickr.com/photos/thomashawk/130659141/)

My husband and I were having dinner the other night at a vegetarian restaurant in Hangzhou. It just so happens that you were dining only a few feet across from us with your girlfriend.

When we first sat down, I saw the both of you enjoying a bowl of the sour and spicy vegetarian “fish” soup with pickled vegetables. I remembered how delicious that dish was, and how I hadn’t ordered it in a long time. I thought to myself, those girls have good taste.

But that was before my husband and I overheard your conversation.

You told your friend about how dissatisfied you were with your boyfriend. You said his salary of “only” 8,000 RMB a month wasn’t good enough. You flicked your expensively dyed long hair aside with great disdain as you said, “He can’t possibly support me.”

Your girlfriend, wearing black faux-leather leggings and stiletto-heeled boots just like you, nodded in agreement.

The two of you went on to belittle this young man, who you fell in love with in college, for another reason. His hometown was somewhere outside of Hangzhou. It was yet another black mark against him. Yet more proof he would never be “rich enough” for you.

I’ve heard this sort of thing before.

Years ago I learned that, for many people in China, marriage is all about having a home, car and money. I understand that women often evaluate men based on these marriage must-haves. I’m aware that there was even a girl on TV who once famously said she’d rather be crying in the back of a BMW than smiling on the back of a bicycle.

There’s a woman in China who once told me, “The purpose of life and marriage is to make money.” On the surface, she has it all. She and her husband own at least five apartments, drive a brand new BMW, have a son, and earn lots of money through the family business.

But privately, she is the saddest woman I have ever met.

She is bitter and constantly complains. Despite her huge bank accounts, she is stingy to the core. Her husband has cheated on her; she fights with him all the time. Her son is on the way to becoming a juvenile delinquent. For a time, things were so bad that she actually threatened to commit suicide.

I would not be surprised if she had cried in the backseat of her shiny new BMW.

Never would I wish to change places with this woman, even though she has so much money. I’ve realized I’m actually happier than she ever will be. There are far more important things in life her money can never buy. A peaceful, happy marriage. Love. Friendship. Kindness. Generosity. The ability to see hope in the darkest hours.

You can’t measure these things in dollars or yuan. I don’t care what that woman once told me – money isn’t everything. It never was.

So if you decide to break up with this guy just because he makes ￥8,000 a month and isn’t from Hangzhou, there’s nothing I can do to stop you.

If you end up marrying a wealthier man, maybe you’ll get lucky. Maybe he’ll be a nice guy who just happens to be rich.

But if he isn’t so nice after all, then maybe you’ll discover what it’s really like to have tears in your eyes in the back of your luxury car.

And if that happens, believe me when I say this: I won’t be crying for you.

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What It Means to Support Your Husband’s Discrimination Lawsuit

My husband Jun Yu and I have been fighting an important US Federal Court lawsuit that involves discrimination (and more). We strongly believe that justice will eventually prevail.

But there’s a human side to a US lawsuit. It’s inevitable that a huge US Federal Court case will ultimately affect you in countless ways, changing your life.

For a long time, I’ve struggled with how to exactly put this into words. But then I started thinking about a lot of the different experiences I’ve had in this past year related to the case. I started by writing a few things, and before I knew it I had a whole list.

So if you’ve ever wondered what it means to support your husband’s discrimination lawsuit, here’s a sampling of what it’s like:

It means buying a suit jacket and black dress at H&M at the last minute because your lawyer insisted you MUST be there at Jun’s deposition to support him. And even though the idea of watching your husband be deposed makes you anxious – and even though you toss and turn the entire night before – you show up the morning of his deposition dressed like this, and pull on your bravest smile.

It means driving, not flying, together across the US to save on the precious $$$ that this lawsuit is costing you. And as it turns out, you end up doing it during a summer when the nation’s midsection is getting barbecued under a scorching heatwave.

It also means staying at campgrounds along the way to cut costs as well. In one case, you arrive late and then get caught in a downpour that forces you to spend the night in your car.

It means spending an inordinate amount of time and energy on the challenge of collecting funds to pay your monthly legal bills. And even starting a crowdfunding campaign. It also means being shocked that your last monthly bill topped $40,000.

It means re-reading reports from all the Very Important Experts in the psychology field who support your husband. They’re a reminder that you and your husband have great leaders behind you…leaders who believe this is an important case.

It means sacrificing your appendix to the cause. (RIP, appendix)

It means that, even though you’re a lapsed Catholic with diverse spiritual beliefs that include Buddhist and Taoist ideas and you still haven’t been to mass in years, you start your mornings praying to St. Jude.

It means living a super-frugal existence in an apartment smaller than any hotel room you’ve ever stayed in, because you need to save money for the lawsuit and its associated costs.

It means learning more about the legal system than you ever expected to know, and impressing family and friends at parties with your understanding of motions, depositions and declarations.

It means being amazed by the fact that your husband’s case is getting stronger every day – and remembering how far you’ve come from when the injustice first took place.

It means feeling emotional about the injustice from time to time, and finding solace in a good hug.

It means discovering who your real friends and supporters are, and feeling your spirits soar whenever someone says to you, “I’m glad you’re fighting this.”

It means in the darkest moments, finding ways to remind yourself that you did it all for #JusticeForJun. Like when your friend Sally told you to never forget in your heart what this battle is all about.

It means learning to see the silver lining to everything that happened to you and Jun – and believing that this will lead the both of you to something better than you ever imagined.

What do you think?

P.S.: In case you’re new to Jun’s case, you can learn more about it here.

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