China | Speaking of China

Ask the Yangxifu: Cheating with a Married Chinese Man

DangerousLiaisons asks:

I’m a 24 year old American woman with a problem — I’m having an affair with a married Chinese man. I didn’t want to get involved with someone who is married, but he and I just have this amazing connection, and chemistry. The thing is, I know he has a child, but he tells me he loves me and enjoys being together with me.

I’m worried about what other people might think of us, as I think some of my coworkers know. I also wonder if there’s any chance we might actually be able to be together (he once talked about leaving his wife), and if we’d ever be accepted as a real couple. What do you think?

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When it comes to extramarital affairs in China, you’re not alone. According to the 2010 study by Zhang, approximately 15 percent of Chinese men and 5 percent of Chinese women have affairs.

Historically, Chinese men used to have the right to multiple partners, even purchasing concubines that would live together with their wife. That’s an illegal practice now, but that doesn’t stop men from looking for an ernai (mistress) to support on the side. For many Chinese men, mistresses are still a status symbol, just like their Mercedes or BMW.

Should your coworkers know, they probably won’t be surprised. Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Cheating with a Married Chinese Man”

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The Problem with “Chinese Food”

1244541_60567210 — The term "Chinese food," like many generalized categories, hides a richness and diversity beneath it all.

HYBRID AMBASSADORS: a blog-ring project of Dialogue2010
You met our multinational cultural innovators this spring in a roundtable discussion of hybrid life at expat+HAREM. Now in these interconnected blog posts they share reactions to a recent polarizing book promotion at the writing network SheWrites. Join the discussion on Twitter using #HybridAmbassadors or #Dialogue2010

Last summer, my Chinese husband and I swept through central China on a whirlwind tour of the highlights, from Shaolin Temple to the Terracotta Warriors to Chengdu’s gardens. Everywhere we went, we sampled local culinary fare — all Chinese — with as much gusto as the tourist draws. But not every meal went smoothly, especially not with my husband.

A dinner in Xi’an, infused with the aromatic flavors of the silk road. had him running for the bathroom later that night. Another Xi’an lunch the following day — noodles stewed in an exotic spiced broth — left him desperate to leave the region for our next stop: Sichuan.

He described the problem like this: “The spices disagree with me.” This was Chinese food, yet he spoke of it like many of the Western foods he would push away, claiming them as too foreign for his palate.

Thing is, there’s nothing so extraordinary about that. “Chinese food” encompasses such a variety of flavors, cooking styles and signature dishes that, chances are, most Chinese people and Chinese food aficionados would probably dislike at least one, if not more, of the foods available. I sure do. In fact, as a vegan, I probably eat far less Chinese food than almost everyone entranced with this broad style of cooking.

So it’s no wonder that the term “Chinese food” has little meaning to me. Continue reading “The Problem with “Chinese Food””

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Travel China with the Yangxifu: Yuanmingyuan Park (the Old Summer Palace)

Labyrinth, Xiyang Lou, Yuanmingyuan Park, Old Summer Palace

Xiyang Lou, Yuanmingyuan Park, the Old Summer Palace — Yuanmingyuan Park, or the Old Summer Palace, is a living symbol of foreign aggression against China

Just across from the Western gate of Tsinghua University, one of China’s proudest institutions, sits a quiet reminder of foreign aggression on China and past humiliation — Yuanmingyuan Park (圆明园遗址), or the Old Summer Palace.

The Qing Dynasty royal family lived and handled government affairs from Yuanmingyuan for more than 100 years, using the Forbidden City for ceremonial purposes. But, during the Second Opium War, British and French troops stormed into Beijing, destroying the buildings and plundering their valuable treasures. The devastation left only a few token Chinese structures intact, but even those were later burned down during the Boxer Rebellion. The barbaric destruction by foreigners inflicted more than enough destruction, and things went downhill from there — the land was abandoned by the end of the Qing Dynasty, and even, for a period of time, used by local farmers for agricultural land. Fortunately, the Chinese governmental finally reclaimed the place in the 1980s as a historical site, and visitors have trickled in ever since. Continue reading “Travel China with the Yangxifu: Yuanmingyuan Park (the Old Summer Palace)”

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The Tiger Days of China’s August

Tiger on the prowl — When August in China comes, the Autumn Tiger is on the prowl with a ferocious heat that knocked me over more than once (photo by Wong Mei Teng)

Come August, the summer bears its true canines as the temperatures leap above 35 degrees with a ferocious humidity. You find yourself devoured by a wave of sizzling moisture every time you step out onto the streets, and overcome by a dizziness, almost like prey stunned in the chase, that has you reaching for your traditional Chinese sunstroke meds (Huo Xiang Zhengqi Wan is mine). That’s when you know it’s here — the Autumn Tiger.

Like the American “Dog Days of Summer,” the Autumn Tiger prowls over much of China — including the Yangtze River Delta I know so well — in August. But while Americans imagine a dog, defenseless with its tongue out, desperate for relief, China imagines one of the fiercest wild felines attacking the country with a heatwave — because the Autumn tiger means some deadly weather.

I knew why my Chinese friends and family feared the season — the sunstroke, suntans (undesirable in a country that worships whiteness), and stagnant air. But I had no trepidation over rising temperatures. As a summer-born girl — and a Leo — I had a fondness for these months of endless sunshine, even if the humidity stuck to your body like spandex. Just the thought of summer ushered in thoughts of celebration, vacation, and inspiration.

Until August, 2004, that is.

On August 3, I awoke early that morning slathered in an unwelcome sweat. Continue reading “The Tiger Days of China’s August”

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Ask the Yangxifu: Chinese Boyfriend a “Little Emperor?”

The Emperor’s Girlfriend asks:

I’m an American who has lived in China for several years and has recently started dating a Chinese man (about 4 months ago). I entered into the relationship somewhat hesitantly but hopefully, determined to “sniff out the air” before really committing to a relationship. Since the beginning a few things have kind of bothered me but I have only recently been able to put my finger on it. I’m dating one of China’s “Little Emporer’s” all grown up (28 and not an only child but near enough…his sister is 10 years younger…and even he admits he’s the family favorite).

No, he’s not a spoiled-rotten, tantrum-throwing ego-maniac. There’s no way I would put up with that. But, there’s a certain self-centric way of looking at things: from a near-sulkiness when a plan doesn’t go the way he expected (it dissapates quickly but not before I’ve caught a glimpse in his tone or his face) to a love of praise and often an expection that praise should come even for the smallest thing. There are other, more specific examples but I see a man who struggles to put the needs/thoughts of others before his own.

He’s not without merits: he can be very kind (just don’t thwart and a plan or an assumption of a plan or witness Mr. Sulky), he’s very devoted and close to his family (a fact which I find extremely admirable and freaks me out at the same time) and many others. But he does have trouble sympathizing with others, has a confidence that strays at times into arrogance, and I wonder if the generosity I see him show is only motivated by the fact that it gains the admiration of others.

I’ve studied and read about the socialological implications of the One-Child policy and the effects of Birth Order on personality and relationships (I’m a quinnessential middle child), but seeing the results of a child, now man, who has clearly been doted upon, up close and personal has me reeling a bit and has caused us to bump heads more than once.

I’m curious to hear your opinion on this. Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Chinese Boyfriend a “Little Emperor?””

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My Hairstyling Nirvana in China

Scissors — Once upon a time, I feared China's foreign scissors -- until I discovered the delight of a haircut in the Middle Kingdom.

Just this past Tuesday, I visited my local US hair salon to tidy up my ‘do (an unruly mess of wavy, fickle brown hair). She snipped, she clipped and had me out the door within 10 minutes. It looked fine, but it was like the hairdressing equivalent of “wham, bam, thank you ma’am.” And the experience left me yearning for those hair salons I used to know in China.

Of course, when I first moved to China, as an English teacher, I yearned for the hair salons back in the US. Like every woman, I’d done the “dating around” with many a hair salon, until I discovered the perfect stylist, a woman who absolutely “got it” about my hair. I didn’t even need to give her directions, beyond “just make me look good.” And she did, every time.

When you have this almost spiritual connection with a stylist, you just don’t want to let go, and suddenly risk the unthinkable — a bad haircut, something powerful enough to spiral your day into a horrible abyss, and even make you think twice about stepping outside (for several days, even). Continue reading “My Hairstyling Nirvana in China”

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Memoirs of a Yangxifu: Most Popular Posts

Chinese husband and Western wife getting married in China — What were the most popular (or in some cases, embarrassing 😉 ) moments from Memoirs of a Yangxifu?

Memoirs of a Yangxifu was the story of love, cultural understanding and eventual marriage between one American woman from the city and one Chinese man from the countryside.

What were the top 10 most popular moments, by views?

Chapter 72: Private Parts in China. An embarrassing afternoon of trying to get my — well, you know — checked out.
Chapter 1: My Heart is Shut Away, My Chinese Boyfriend is Gone. As I took a weekend trip, to escape the muggy summer heat and a painful breakup, little did I know I was heading towards my future husband.
Chapter 8: John is my Chinese Boyfriend. The night by the West Lake, when John and I officially become a couple. Continue reading “Memoirs of a Yangxifu: Most Popular Posts”

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Epilogue: The Destiny to Marry in China

Western woman and Chinese man marry in Shanghai — Six years ago today, John and I registered our marriage. Today, I look back on the series, Memoirs of a Yangxifu, and also announce a new posting schedule

In China, lovers are often said “to have the destiny to meet across one thousand li.” For my Chinese husband, John, and I, it wasn’t just one thousand li — it was ten thousand li.

Distance, of course, is all relative.

I grew up in the suburbs of Cleveland, Ohio, and John in the countryside of Zhejiang Province. I knew the distance between us, something around 8,000 or more English miles apart (almost 13,000 kilometers). But this kind of distance, where separation is measured by miles, by continents, is as meaningless as the “Model Unit” plaques adorning work units all over China.

So what is it that can turn a thousand li into ten thousand?

I wrote the series Memoirs of a Yangxifu to explore this idea, to look at what it took for one Western woman and one Chinese man to overcome the distance — cultural, mental, even physical — to become a couple. Continue reading “Epilogue: The Destiny to Marry in China”

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Ask the Yangxifu: How Chinese Men Can Approach Western Women in China

Xiaoheng asks:

Are there any good suggestion on Chinese men how to approach western women? I think I need some advices which are useful for stengthening the communication, understading and respect between two persons from different culture and nationality. Especially I consider that respect the personality is very important to strengthen the relationship between Chinese men and western women. Because, Chinese culture are basically collectivism and western culture are individuallism. Multiculture communication is very important in this part, because I am interested in the multiculture stuff. So that would be very helpful. How do Chinese men respect the western women? I am currently in this situation of looking for my love and look forward to your suggestions. Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: How Chinese Men Can Approach Western Women in China”

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Chapter 83: Salad, But Not Safe

Salad with lettuce — When John, my Chinese boyfriend, refused to eat my salad, that moment was a window into one major difference between our culinary cultures.

One Saturday evening in Shanghai, I holed up in the kitchen with some long lost culinary acquaintances — angel hair pasta, ripe red tomatoes, and mesculin mix, with flavors that ranged from the bitter, toothy mizuna to the sweet baby lettuces. I wasn’t even close to being purebred Italian, yet for years, an Italian meal on the weekends was as important a ritual as evening mass at the Catholic church. It just wasn’t a week without our spaghetti and salad.

Well, in China, I had spent many a week without spaghetti or salad. And after discovering the foreign foods market just blocks away — the tawny olive oils, the deep balsamic vinegars, pasta, and even salad greens in a rainbow of colors and shapes — I schemed to dazzle my Chinese boyfriend with a taste of my childhood, and feed my thirst for something beyond the usual Chinese fare. Continue reading “Chapter 83: Salad, But Not Safe”

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