Chinese culture | Speaking of China

Ask the Yangxifu: What To Wear To Chinese Weddings in China

Jen asks:

I’m going to attend a Chinese wedding in Shanghai soon and I have NO idea what to wear! Could you please help with some suggestions???

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When it comes to attending weddings in China, think casual.

I’ve seen people wear nice jeans or skirts, T-shirts, sweaters and even sneakers to weddings — yes, sneakers! In China, whatever people wear in public or to the office is pretty much the same thing they’ll wear to a wedding. Which means if you choose to go a little more formal — a nice suit, a lovely dress — you might actually stick out even more than you usually do as a foreigner in China. Dress up at own your risk. Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: What To Wear To Chinese Weddings in China”

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Fenshou: “I Was Once Engaged to a Chinese Man”

When I called for submissions a couple of weeks ago, never did I imagine the overwhelming response from readers. Literally within days of posting, the submissions started rolling in.

The first I received was this piece from a woman with the nickname “Smallsquirrel”. It is a poignant and thoughtfully penned story of how her engagement to a Chinese man from a prominent Beijing family eventually ended. I’m honored to kick off my new series — which I’m calling “Fenshou” from the pinyin for the Chinese word for breakup — with what I’ve titled “I Was Once Engaged to a Chinese Man.” Continue reading “Fenshou: “I Was Once Engaged to a Chinese Man””

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2013 Blogs by Western Women Who Love Chinese Men

It’s March 8 — International Women’s Day — and time for an update to my list of blogs by Western women who love Chinese men!

Last year, I had a little over 40 on my list. Now we’re ~~up to~~ over 50, so the community keeps growing! I’ve still grouped the blogs loosely according to their focus, and I also added a *NEW* tag to denote all new additions to the list.

And here they are: Continue reading “2013 Blogs by Western Women Who Love Chinese Men”

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On Bainian — Chinese New Year’s Calls — And Those Annoying Questions From Relatives

For some young Chinese, the very possibility of seeing family means the potential for annoying personal questions — ones they’d sometimes rather not answer (photo by Chew – Lin YIP via Flickr.com)

The other night, while talking to our close Chinese friend Caroline during Chinese New Year, my husband asked a common question. “Did you go out to bàinián?” Bàinián (拜年), of course, is the tradition of paying new year’s calls to your relatives and friends, usually by going over to their homes.

Caroline laughed with embarrassment. “I didn’t want to go out, I’ve stayed at home. People ask too many questions!”

That’s because Caroline still hasn’t, as they say in Chinese, “solved her personal problem”. She’s a single Chinese woman in her thirties. And because she’s single and well above 30, a sort of unofficial marriage expiration date for young people in China (especially women), her relatives will ask her the bomb of all questions: “Do you have a boyfriend?” Continue reading “On Bainian — Chinese New Year’s Calls — And Those Annoying Questions From Relatives”

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I’m a Feminist AND It’s Tradition in China? On Not Changing My Maiden Name

“I am wondering why you have kept your maiden name?” wrote a reader. “When I married my Chinese husband [many] years ago, I was terribly proud to take his name, and still am.”

So I wrote back to her with my primary reasons. One that as a feminist, I’ve never felt comfortable with the idea that a woman must take on her husband’s name in marriage. And two, that in China, women traditionally keep their last names even after marrying.

When but I thought about my choices later on, I had to laugh. After all, isn’t it ironic that my feminist side finds refuge in China’s tradition? A tradition that, I’m certain, wasn’t created to accommodate feminists like me. Let’s just say I pretty much never expect “tradition” to agree with my feminist perspective on anything…and yet this time, it did. Sometimes, tradition — especially those of my husband’s country — will surprise me in unexpected ways.

But the best part of it all? No one in China ever raises an eyebrow at my surname, and then asks, “Why didn’t you change your name?”

Instead, the Chinese have other ways to put me on the spot, like, “So, do you have children?” But that’s another question for another day. 😉

P.S.: If you’re actually debating whether or not to change your name in marriage, see my post on this.

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Yin-Yang: “A Headstrong Australian Girl…Humbled By China”

An Australian girl and her Chinese boyfriend, standing on a historical street in China — Huaiqian and Christi (photo courtesy of Christi)

When I first read Christi’s story — which shares some of the ways she and her fiancee, Huaiqian, balance their relationship — I smiled at the way she described herself as “a headstrong Australian girl…humbled by China.” Her words echoed much of my own experience with John — the moments when we realized just how differently we viewed exactly the same thing, the times when we learned to negotiate the differences. She brings so much heart and honesty to the subject, and I’m excited to share her story with you. Continue reading “Yin-Yang: “A Headstrong Australian Girl…Humbled By China””

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Ask the Yangxifu: My Chinese Boyfriend Doesn’t Express His Feeings

Put your feelings on hold — (Photo by Andrew Enright)

Aili asks:

I am currently dating a student from China and while its almost been 6 months of dating, I’m curious about one thing and was hoping to get some advice from a married women. I’m pretty well versed in the chinese concept of hanxu (subtlety) and while my boyfriend tells me he loves me, he really doesn’t say much else in the way of expressing his feelings, I mean knowing he loves me is great but it really doesn’t go beyond that generic phrase. Have you or are you encountering that in your relationship now? And if so how do you deal with it, is it something that can be worked on? Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: My Chinese Boyfriend Doesn’t Express His Feeings”

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A Story of Sexism, Chinese Men and Who Should Wash the Dishes

Washing the dishes — (photo by peapod labs)

“Washing dishes? That’s women’s work.”

That’s how Yao, my first Chinese boyfriend, ended one late Saturday night dinner at his apartment.

Up until that moment, he romanced me the entire day like any real gentleman — from running to the hospital for my medicine, to regaling me with a delicious homemade dinner of fried rice. All afternoon he told me to rest, relax, take it easy — I still felt exhausted from my recent illness, and had only just regained my appetite. Didn’t anyone ever tell him that sexist slurs are hard for girlfriends to swallow?

“What do mean, ‘women’s work?’ Are you telling me you won’t do the dishes, ever?” I asked.

“It’s not my job.”

I glowered at him. “So who’s going to do the dishes then?”

“Just leave them for my mom,” he said. He immediately jumped up from his seat and wandered over to the bedroom to start watching Saturday night football games.

How could he say that? Didn’t he realize he was dating a feminist who grew up in a household where both mom and dad were breadwinners, and didn’t believe in things like “women’s work”? I wrestled with these, and many more, questions about the man I was dating, and the future we might face ahead of us. But never, ever did I hold the one thought that all too often gets slapped on a guy like Yao — that he was just another sexist Chinese man I should never have dated in the first place. Continue reading “A Story of Sexism, Chinese Men and Who Should Wash the Dishes”

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Ask the Yangxifu: Should I Wear a Qipao in My Chinese Wedding?

John and I wearing traditional red Chinese wedding clothing -- including my red qipao -- at our wedding — Should she also wear a qipao, just as I did in my wedding (shown here with John)?

Angie asks:

My fiancee is Chinese and we’ve been debating dresses in the process of planning our wedding. His family is bent on having me wear a red qipao, they say it is the tradition. I wouldn’t mind wearing a qipao, but then my family is Irish on my mother’s side and they told me that only sluts wear red on their wedding day. I am feeling so conflicted about this, and was wondering what you thought. Do you think I should wear a qipao? Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Should I Wear a Qipao in My Chinese Wedding?”

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Shall We Dance? Yes…But Not in Public

A poster for the Japanese movie, Shall We Dance? — (photo by elycefeliz)

In Japan, ballroom dancing is regarded with much suspicion. For a couple to embrace and dance in front of others is beyond embarrassing. A married couple would never think of going out arm in arm, let alone dancing together! A couple would hardly say, ‘I love you’, out loud. The Japanese rather think that intuitive understanding is everything.

So began “Shall We Dance,” a 1996 Japanese movie that John and I happened to watch a couple of weeks ago. But the moment I read those first few sentences in the subtitles, I realized it was more than just a movie. Continue reading “Shall We Dance? Yes…But Not in Public”

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