Chinese men | Speaking of China

How My Husband Embraced My Wedding Ring Tradition

Photo of a bride with a bouquet and her wedding ring — (photo by Crystal Jensen)

Ah, wedding rings. Whenever I see an ad for them on TV, I immediately shout out “Hūnjiè,” (婚戒), the Chinese word for this most intimate of all jewelry, and then shoot my husband a grin. He usually laughs and nods at what’s become our husband-wife running joke — that I still have no wedding ring, and John still “owes” me.

This isn’t some post-wedding inner Bridezilla of mine coming out, as if I enjoyed putting my husband on a guilt trip for all the ways our wedding never lived up to expectations. No, as weddings go, I’m pretty happy over how we tied the knot and wouldn’t change a thing. I’ve never even pressured him about buying things; if anything, I’m the one usually clamping down on our family budget, and he’s the one encouraging me to “reward myself” with something I really wanted. Still, behind this running joke of ours remains a real promise — that, someday, he hopes to buy me the perfect wedding ring. Continue reading “How My Husband Embraced My Wedding Ring Tradition”

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Ask the Yangxifu: On Placing Ads To Find Western Women

Australia Post ad — (Image from iVinay's Flickr)

Over the past few months, I’ve gotten a number of e-mails from Chinese men in China that go like this:

I want to find Western women to date, but I’m too busy and don’t really have the time/resources to go out and meet them like you suggested. I was thinking about placing an advertisement online to find myself a yangxifu. What do you think?

I’m all for anyone taking a step towards love, even if it means placing an ad online in an expat magazine like the Beijinger. But should you rely on ads alone to find the yangxifu of your dreams? Not unless you’re dreaming. Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: On Placing Ads To Find Western Women”

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Ask the Yangxifu: He Won’t Speak Chinese With Me?

An open mouth — (photo by Julia Freeman-Woolpert)

Lana asks:

I’ve been dating this Chinese guy in Beijing recently. We have this great chemistry and he’s wonderful to me in every possible way except one thing….he doesn’t really want to speak Chinese with me. Whenever I would try to talk w/ him in Chinese, he would answer back in English, so we would just usually end up speaking only English. He knows I studied Chinese before, and I asked him if we could speak a little more often….he always says he will, but we never do. I know my Chinese isn’t perfect but it’s not that bad. What gives? Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: He Won’t Speak Chinese With Me?”

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Titanic’s Reverse-Cinderella Story and the Appeal of Western Women to Chinese Men

Jack holding Rose in a movie still from Titanic — (downloaded from official Titanic movie site)

“Chinese are drawn to the reverse-Cinderella tale—the story of a poor man falling in love with a rich girl, and of love trumping all else.”

That’s what I read in a Wall Street Journal article last week, which cited this as the reason why the movie Titanic is so popular in China. It continued:

…some of the most successful love stories in China touch on similar themes, catering to “Chinese audiences’ psychology of a normal male hungering for the touch from a ‘fairy.’

The theory behind the film’s draw stands in stark contrast to urban China’s increasingly money-driven marriage culture, in which many men complain that without a house and a car they have little chance of attracting a woman’s affections, or her parents’ approval.

When I read this, I had to wonder — was the attraction of Western women to Chinese men also a sort of reverse-Cinderella tale, in a sense? Maybe most Chinese men with dreams of a yangxifu aren’t as poor as penniless Jack Dawson who rode in the third-class section of Titanic. But perhaps the cache of having a Western wife, of a woman who could open up opportunities to him (such as study or work abroad, or more), could work like a reverse-Cinderella story to some men? Continue reading “Titanic’s Reverse-Cinderella Story and the Appeal of Western Women to Chinese Men”

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The Miracle of the “Long March Spirit”

My Chinese husband, wearing a "Red Army" hat — My Chinese husband, wearing my "Red Army" cap

Slam.

I’m sure I heard that sound this past Friday, after a phone call closed one of the best options for my husband’s internship. The person in question echoed much of the same discrimination we’ve known from the past. It sent me reeling for much of the evening, and well into Saturday.

Maybe it hurt me harder because I considered this person’s very emergence a miracle. That kind of “hey, someone else actually believes in my husband too” sort of feeling. But the person turned out to be nothing more than a mirage, and so were the opportunities.

Still, even if they’re not real, mirages can sting. I should know, because I came this close to just giving in, just saying, “To hell with it, maybe they were right all along.”

But yesterday, I donned my Red Army cap, the very one I bought years ago on a trip to Chairman Mao’s hometown of Shaoshan, Hunan, and headed outside with my husband to kick around a soccer ball in an empty soccer field nearby. Continue reading “The Miracle of the “Long March Spirit””

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Yangxifu Pride: 5 Creative Women Who Should Be Honorary Yangxifu

Pearl Buck — Pearl S. Buck (from wikimedia.org)

Some of the best creative works about Chinese men and Western women in love came from Western women who never once had a Chinese husband. I’d like to salute five of these women, who in my opinion will always be honorary yangxifu (foreign wives of Chinese men).

Pearl S. Buck

Pearl Buck didn’t just make her mark in the literary world with her novels about life in China — she also was one of the first to write about love between Chinese men and Western women in East Wind: West Wind. Pearl married twice, both white American men, but some allege she was a secret lover of the famous Chinese poet Xu Chimo. Maybe her supposed affair inspired some of those on-the-page Chinese man-Western woman romances? Who knows, but she’ll always be the ultimate honorary yangxifu in my book. Continue reading “Yangxifu Pride: 5 Creative Women Who Should Be Honorary Yangxifu”

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The Couple That Wordplays Together, Stays Together?

A shot of traditional Chinese characters — (photo by am y)

You might call it “lust in translation.” This Chinese-English online quiz, one I agreed to do complete well before I met John, turned into a perfect excuse to visit John a little more often at work. I translated the English words into Chinese, and then brought my work over to him for proofreading. Sure, in between our “how do you say”s and “zenme shuo”s, we flirted a little. But we also learned something too, more than just the right way to say rainjacket or maozi. We made a pretty awesome translation team.

Nearly eight years later, we still help one another with language and translations. John’s my go-to guy for Chinese when I’m stuck on translating a word, and I’m the one he calls on to give his English writing a final check. One week, he tells me about a new Chinese idiom; the next, I’m explaining a new saying in English. You might say we’ve re-written that old cliche — now, the couple that wordplays together, stays together. Continue reading “The Couple That Wordplays Together, Stays Together?”

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Ask the Yangxifu: 5+ Years of Dating & Still Haven’t Met His Family

A white girl looking depressed — (photo by Marinka van Holten)

Anonymous asks:

I have been dating my Chinese boyfriend for more than 5 years. We met in the West and he lives and works in my country and became a citizen of my country. He is however a childhood immigrant. His family is very traditional, I think. I have never met them. They live elsewhere and do not know I exist. He goes to China every year to visit his family, is the oldest son, and his family still believes in arranged marriages. We broke up once because they found him a woman to marry. I love him and thought I could continue to deal with this, that I was bigger than this ridiculous situation. But, as time drags on it becomes more difficult for me to tolerate. We had come to an agreement that I would obtain a doctorate and that would make me as close to worthy enough to tell his family about. I graduate this year and he has backed out of the deal. I am more disappointed than I can express. I feel like a mistress, to be hid forever. He went to China last week to visit his family and turned his phone off. I never call him when he goes to China or visits his family but with his phone off I couldn’t even contact him in an emergency. We live together, what if something happened to the house. He said it was because he didn’t want his phone to make accidental international phone calls but, really? That has never happened before and I doubt his veracity on the reason. It seems the closer I get to finishing the goal he decided would end the hiding, the more thoughtless things he does. But, he swears he doesn’t want to end our relationship and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I have a wedding dress because we were going to get married this year, it mocks me from the closet. It feels like he panics when he is afraid of getting caught and does or says hurtful things out of a knee jerk reaction but expects me to understand his cultural needs but ignores mine. Is this a Chinese thing or a him thing? Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: 5+ Years of Dating & Still Haven’t Met His Family”

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My Chinese Husband Has Balls

“You’ve got some balls.” That’s how my husband’s white friend praised him the other day. John happened to share with him the discrimination — and his decision to fight back.

“He told me he could never fight back,” John said to me. Apparently, the white guy faced some serious injustice of his own last year, but did nothing in return. “He said he didn’t have the balls to do it.”

If they had to choose between the two, most Americans probably wouldn’t pick John as the guy with more chutzpah. Continue reading “My Chinese Husband Has Balls”

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Double Happiness: A Kiss 12 Years in the Making

Kissing lips — (photo by Julia Freeman-Woolpert)

Twelve years after she first met her Asian high school crush, Rebekah never imaged she would finally get her chance at love with him — including a kiss that, as she put it, was 12 years in the making. She originally published her story on her blog, and kindly gave me permission to edit and reprint it here.

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We first “met” in high school, way back in 1994. He was a senior, I was a freshman. From what I can remember, I just loved him the instant I saw him. The big movie at that time was The Crow, Brandon Lee’s last movie (which, coincidentally was my first Asian guy crush). Imagine my surprise meeting this adorable Asian guy at school, with long hair past his shoulders and a gorgeous smile, the kind that just lights up the room. I always saw him either outside of the lunchroom or in the music room. It is so funny for me to tell this now. At age 14 I was the girl who was so shy, I could barely make eye contact with a boy. I remember actually making eye contact with him once, and I could feel my face burning. He remembers this too, and he recalls not only me turning bright red, but “cutely” covering my face with my hand before looking away. I knew I could never talk to him because I was way too shy. So off he went to college and I never thought I would see him again. Continue reading “Double Happiness: A Kiss 12 Years in the Making”

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