Advice to help you make friends with, date, or marry Chinese men. Stories about knowing, loving and marrying Chinese men. All from one Western woman with a Chinese husband.
UPDATE: Participants are still needed until January 2013! Please read this message and contact bankslaura (at) hotmail.co.uk.
Want to help scholars with research into Chinese/non-Chinese interracial relationships — in just 30 minutes?
A UK student in Chinese studies is doing her dissertation on Chinese/non-Chinese interracial relationships, and she needs to find couples — both married and non-married — who are willing to complete a survey, which should take about 30 minutes. That includes Chinese men and non-Chinese women, as well as non-Chinese men and Chinese women. See the details below in this letter: Continue reading “UK Chinese Studies Student Seeks Chinese/Non-Chinese Couples for Dissertation Survey”
The Hangzhou cabbie smiled into the rearview mirror. “You’re so quiet and gentle,” he said (wénjìng, 文静), the same way someone might say, “You’ve got lovely hair,” or even, “That’s a nice outfit.”
“Who me?”
He laughed. “Really, you’re quiet and gentle, almost like a Chinese girl.”
I blushed and looked away from the mirror, but not his words. That’s because it wasn’t the first time someone in China complimented me for my quieter side. I heard it from John and my two previous Chinese boyfriends, my boss at the time, and countless friends. And no matter how many times someone praised me, a part of me still remained deeply surprised.
By J. Howard Miller, artist employed by Westinghouse, poster used by the War Production Co-ordinating Committee – From scan of copy belonging to the National Museum of American History, Smithsonian Institution, retrieved from the website of the Virginia Historical Society., Public Domain, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=5249733
I get a lot of e-mails that end with this question: “Should I pursue him?” (I can almost hear the woman wincing as she asks this.)
Even in these “women hold up half the sky” modern times, I’d say most cultures still leave much of the heavy lifting in dating to the guy, and expect the girl to flirt and wait for his advances. Mine sure does. I heard the exhortations from others — don’t ask him out, you’ll look too desperate or too forward, and on and on.
But when you’re interested in Chinese men, sometimes you have to flip this rule on its head like a wicked gymnastics routine and do a little pursuing yourself — at least, at the beginning. Here are three reasons why:
1. Language Issues. Ah, that bellboy in China, with a smile that could launch a thousand five-star hotels. I melted every time I passed him by to visit the gym in that hotel in Hangzhou, and even caught myself flirting like a high school girl. But even though I dropped every “let’s have coffee” hint in the book, he never dared ask…until I finally talked to him in Chinese.
Later on, he confessed that he wanted to say more to me, but he couldn’t. “My English, not so good,” he once told me.
Whether you’re in China or facing a possible immigrant Chinese who speaks (or is learning) a second language, confidence about language (or even a complete lack of fluency in your language) sometimes messes up the best laid schemes of asking a girl out. And if you’ve never done anything beyond smile back at a guy, you might have absolutely no idea that, say, his English kept him from making that move.
2. The Inferiority Factor. I’ll never forget when a Chinese guy friend of mine revealed this idea over tea — that some men in Mainland China would love to date me, except that they couldn’t possibly see themselves as good enough for me, an American woman.
What?
Yes, it’s crazy — certainly to me, because I never considered any of the guys I ever dated in China as anything but my equal. Not every guy thinks this way, though, and I believe this will wane over time as China continues to rise. Still, for now you’ll probably run into some guys who think this way — guys who will cross you off their lists, believing you’re just some fantasy woman they could never possibly call as their own.
3. Shyness. I don’t buy into the stereotype that every single Chinese man feels too bashful to even say “Ni Hao” to a girl. But if you’re like some of my readers, scratching their heads because this great guy seems to blush every time she gets near him, then you need an intervention. Seriously, ask him out already. 😉
What do you think? What are some other reasons why Western women should pursue Chinese men?
Do you have a question about life, dating, marriage and family in China/Chinese culture (or Western culture)? Send me yours today.
I’ll be honest, it’s been a challenging summer for us. Moving across country, getting settled in, even my husband’s whole internship thing (he still faces uncertainty in some respects, but that’s another story…sigh).
But then, days before, I found this little postcard of a love story in my inbox — in Portuguese. Well, I don’t know Portuguese. But between my Spanish minor from college and a little help from Google Translate, I worked the story out — and was touched. In the midst of all of the difficulties, I found a little something that made me smile, and restored my faith in the world.
I’m in a fairly new relationship myself with a nice grad student from China. I’m kind of at a loss as to how I should explain what Goth is to someone who doesn’t have many points of reference for Western culture in general. My clothing style is so subtle I can pass for normal most of the time, but the same cannot be said of my house. He’s going to want to come over to my place at some point and I’m going to have to explain why there’s bats and skulls and spiders on everything. He’s going to think I’m nuts. Help!Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: How Do I Explain Goth To My Boyfriend?”
Last night, when my husband rolled into bed, he rolled straight over my thighs and couldn’t help caressing them as he went by. Once he tucked into the covers and spooned me, he once again ran his hands up my thighs to my waist and pulled me in closer.
“I love your ròugǎn,” he whispered to me, using the Chinese word (肉感) that means sexy and voluptuous.
Even though I always understood his Chinese perfectly, the idea of ròugǎn as a compliment once sounded absolutely foreign to me. The first character in the word, ròu (肉), is the same word used for meat and flesh. And that reminded me of how people in English might say, “She’s got a lot of meat on her bones,” but never in same sexy and sultry way as my husband. Continue reading ““Rougan”: How My Husband Helped Me Love My Curves”
Lame, loser, or just plain “oh Lord.” My American friends could have easily thought any one of these things — if not more — about me, all because my husband and I moved in with my grandmother.
That’s why I never just told people in America, “We’re moving in with Grandma,” but made it clear that this move came with an asterisk. She’s 89, she had a stroke some years ago, my grandfather passed away last year and she lives alone. We’re moving to China next year, once John finishes his internship — it just didn’t make sense to start a new household all over again, only to have to leave it all behind in an international move. Without this addendum, I felt certain we’d get branded as just another pathetic boomeranging couple leaching off of sweet little grandma.
Some of the most famous and inspiring Asian men in this world also happen to have non-Asian wives (women like me). Even though they’re not all Chinese, they’re worthy of a shout-out. Here are my five favorites, in alphabetical order (by family name):
Steven Chu
Who says a Nobel-prize-winning Chinese-American physicist can’t rise in the world of politics? Steven Chu’s prominent role as US Secretary of Energy — as well as his vocal advocacy for renewable energy — defies the usual stereotypes about Asians in the sciences, especially someone with his accolades. He’s married to Jean Fetter, a British-American and Oxford-trained physicist. Continue reading “5 Famous, Inspiring Asian Men Who Also Married Non-Asian Women”
I’m taking a break from posting from May 28 until June 8. But in the meantime, I’m sharing some of my classic content — which might either be new to you, or just a great read worth revisiting. Either way, hope you enjoy these, and I’ll see you June 11. 😉
—–
It’s Memorial Day in the US, a time when we remember those who serve or have served in the military. But the word “memorial” itself immediately made me think of those loves of the past — a love that changed us, or a love that we might bury deep in our hearts, never to be forgotten.
So I’ve dug into the archives to share a few posts about loves we remember — from my own personal stories to those of Chinese men and Western women across the world.
The Sands, and Teahouses, of Time. When love bubbled over with my first Chinese boyfriend in his favorite Taiwanese teahouse, I tried to hold on to that sweetness of what we had through this place he left behind.
I am a foreigner and have been living in China for over three years now. I have gone through several boyfriends and relationships, all in varying degrees of intensity and situations. But each one shared something in common. Each one was a Westerner. I have always had a dislike for Asian men.
A couple months ago I met a young Chinese man that changed all that. From the first time I met him I was strangely attracted to him. As he was one of my students I met him regularly and got to know all about him through our many classes on an intermediate English level. Since this was a class of all young men, they often liked to talk about relationships, girlfriends, dating, etc. I thought I understood Chinese, but I never saw this side of China before. The more I got to know him the more I felt this “strange attraction” to this young Chinese man. He was strong, manly, assertive in an attractive sort of way, had opinions, was smart, etc. Suddenly I felt myself looking around and thinking, “There are so many handsome men here!” There arose in me feelings towards Chinese men I had never before experienced. I suddenly thought they were handsome, sexy and attractive. I began researching on the internet and found your blog and read about other women’s experiences.
Since that class ended I’ve been getting to know this young man. We spend time together every weekend. He’s always very cordial, offers to take my purse, pays for meals out, drinks, go to a park and spend hours talking together, etc. and I feel so comfortable talking, laughing and spending time with him. Originally our contact began for him to improve his English and I my Chinese, but I don’t know the real reason really. He has a girlfriend, who lives in another city and he often complains about her and about Chinese girls in general and some of their customs, (ie. making their boyfriend shop all day with them, carry their purse, throwing fits, etc.). In these ways, I, as a westerner, am very different from Chinese girls and I feel like he really enjoys my company and he always says we are friends.
My question is this, “Am I wasting my time? Is there any sort of future (as in gf/bf) or might he have feelings for me?” I have read about taking it slow and the oft’ times painfully dragged out process that can be with an Asian man, but I’m wondering if it would do any harm to at least be honest with him about this. Would it hurt for me to ask him if he likes me or if he wants to date a Western girl (me)? I just don’t know if it’s him being shy or that he thinks I would never be attracted to him in that way that makes it stall or if he truly just wants us to be “friends”. In my culture I would just be upfront about this with a guy, but I’m afraid of offending him or having him say something just to “please me” since Chinese have a hard time with being upfront about their personal feelings. I’m very new to this and dating any sort of Asians in general so please help me with your advice. Thank you!Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: The Guy Who Changed Her Mind About Dating Chinese Men”
This website uses cookies to improve your experience. We'll assume you're ok with this, but you can opt-out if you wish.AcceptRejectRead More
Privacy & Cookies Policy
Privacy Overview
This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Out of these cookies, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. But opting out of some of these cookies may have an effect on your browsing experience.
Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. These cookies do not store any personal information.
Any cookies that may not be particularly necessary for the website to function and is used specifically to collect user personal data via analytics, ads, other embedded contents are termed as non-necessary cookies. It is mandatory to procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your website.
