Chinese men | Speaking of China

Ask the Yangxifu: Chinese Boyfriend a “Little Emperor?”

The Emperor’s Girlfriend asks:

I’m an American who has lived in China for several years and has recently started dating a Chinese man (about 4 months ago). I entered into the relationship somewhat hesitantly but hopefully, determined to “sniff out the air” before really committing to a relationship. Since the beginning a few things have kind of bothered me but I have only recently been able to put my finger on it. I’m dating one of China’s “Little Emporer’s” all grown up (28 and not an only child but near enough…his sister is 10 years younger…and even he admits he’s the family favorite).

No, he’s not a spoiled-rotten, tantrum-throwing ego-maniac. There’s no way I would put up with that. But, there’s a certain self-centric way of looking at things: from a near-sulkiness when a plan doesn’t go the way he expected (it dissapates quickly but not before I’ve caught a glimpse in his tone or his face) to a love of praise and often an expection that praise should come even for the smallest thing. There are other, more specific examples but I see a man who struggles to put the needs/thoughts of others before his own.

He’s not without merits: he can be very kind (just don’t thwart and a plan or an assumption of a plan or witness Mr. Sulky), he’s very devoted and close to his family (a fact which I find extremely admirable and freaks me out at the same time) and many others. But he does have trouble sympathizing with others, has a confidence that strays at times into arrogance, and I wonder if the generosity I see him show is only motivated by the fact that it gains the admiration of others.

I’ve studied and read about the socialological implications of the One-Child policy and the effects of Birth Order on personality and relationships (I’m a quinnessential middle child), but seeing the results of a child, now man, who has clearly been doted upon, up close and personal has me reeling a bit and has caused us to bump heads more than once.

I’m curious to hear your opinion on this. Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Chinese Boyfriend a “Little Emperor?””

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Ask the Yangxifu: The Word “Love” and Chinese Men

"Love" written in neon orange and pink — If a Chinese man tells you "love" or "love you," does it always mean what you think it does?

Confusedoverlove asks:

I am an American girl living in China and feel extremely confused about this one Chinese guy I started spending time with. I started developing feelings for him, but tried to keep my feelings to myself because it was so hard to read him and tell if he really liked me. He treats me just like a regular friend for the most part, and most of the time if we spend time together, it’s with other people. But recently I noticed he’s been signing e-mails to me with “Love”. His English isn’t perfect but it’s not bad and I just keep wondering if this really means something. What do you think? Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: The Word “Love” and Chinese Men”

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Memoirs of a Yangxifu: Most Popular Posts

Chinese husband and Western wife getting married in China — What were the most popular (or in some cases, embarrassing 😉 ) moments from Memoirs of a Yangxifu?

Memoirs of a Yangxifu was the story of love, cultural understanding and eventual marriage between one American woman from the city and one Chinese man from the countryside.

What were the top 10 most popular moments, by views?

Chapter 72: Private Parts in China. An embarrassing afternoon of trying to get my — well, you know — checked out.
Chapter 1: My Heart is Shut Away, My Chinese Boyfriend is Gone. As I took a weekend trip, to escape the muggy summer heat and a painful breakup, little did I know I was heading towards my future husband.
Chapter 8: John is my Chinese Boyfriend. The night by the West Lake, when John and I officially become a couple. Continue reading “Memoirs of a Yangxifu: Most Popular Posts”

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Epilogue: The Destiny to Marry in China

Western woman and Chinese man marry in Shanghai — Six years ago today, John and I registered our marriage. Today, I look back on the series, Memoirs of a Yangxifu, and also announce a new posting schedule

In China, lovers are often said “to have the destiny to meet across one thousand li.” For my Chinese husband, John, and I, it wasn’t just one thousand li — it was ten thousand li.

Distance, of course, is all relative.

I grew up in the suburbs of Cleveland, Ohio, and John in the countryside of Zhejiang Province. I knew the distance between us, something around 8,000 or more English miles apart (almost 13,000 kilometers). But this kind of distance, where separation is measured by miles, by continents, is as meaningless as the “Model Unit” plaques adorning work units all over China.

So what is it that can turn a thousand li into ten thousand?

I wrote the series Memoirs of a Yangxifu to explore this idea, to look at what it took for one Western woman and one Chinese man to overcome the distance — cultural, mental, even physical — to become a couple. Continue reading “Epilogue: The Destiny to Marry in China”

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Ask the Yangxifu: How Chinese Men Can Approach Western Women in China

Xiaoheng asks:

Are there any good suggestion on Chinese men how to approach western women? I think I need some advices which are useful for stengthening the communication, understading and respect between two persons from different culture and nationality. Especially I consider that respect the personality is very important to strengthen the relationship between Chinese men and western women. Because, Chinese culture are basically collectivism and western culture are individuallism. Multiculture communication is very important in this part, because I am interested in the multiculture stuff. So that would be very helpful. How do Chinese men respect the western women? I am currently in this situation of looking for my love and look forward to your suggestions. Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: How Chinese Men Can Approach Western Women in China”

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Ask the Yangxifu: Gifts for the Qixi Festival (Chinese Valentine’s Day)

How do you say I love you — with a gift — on Qixi Festival, also know as the Chinese Valentine’s Day? (photo by Crystal Leigh Shearin)

NOTE: Find newer recommendations in my post Qixi Festival: Popular Gifts, Celebrations for the Chinese Valentine’s Day.

A Valentine asks:

Hi! I’m a Western girl in love with a Chinese guy. I am going to stay in China the whole summer, taking a language course, just to be close to him.

I am wondering, will it be okay if I give him a present on Qixi Festival as a way of expressing my feelings towards him?

Any present suggestions? Maybe something I can bring from the West? Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Gifts for the Qixi Festival (Chinese Valentine’s Day)”

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Ask the Yangxifu: Apologizing to Daughter’s Chinese Boyfriend

Apology to Chinese — A woman asks for advice on how to apologize to her daughter

I’m Sorry asks:

My college age daughter is in new but fairly serious relationship with a sweet young Chinese man here in the US. I’m concerned because they have not yet told his parents of the relationship. I questioned him about this omission he has stated that he will tell them but in his own time and in his own way. I then asked (perhaps a little too bluntly) if he felt his parents (who are very traditional) might have issues with him dating a non-Asian woman with divorced parents. As soon as I asked the question, I tried to apologize realizing that I had offended him. He denies this of course, being the soul of politeness, but I can tell that he was somewhat taken aback by my bluntness in addressing the issue. I would like to offer an apology in a more formal way and some sort of gift to express my remorse and embarrassment. What would be appropriate way to do this and what could I give as a gift to smooth things over? Thank you. Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Apologizing to Daughter’s Chinese Boyfriend”

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Ask the Yangxifu: Love and Location Dilemma With a Chinese Man

540898_90352305 — A European science graduate student loves a Chinese man, but doesn't love the thought of sacrificing her career to live with him in China. Can they overcome location to be together?

LoveDilemma asks:

I’m a 22 years old girl from europe and currently finishing a master’s degree in biology. Everything was clear in my life until last year, when I meet a chinese exchange student in my university. Our friendship evolved into something so deep that we become boyfriend and girlfriend. But he had to went back to China 8 months ago to finish his bachelor there. We simply could not give up of our relationship and we keep in touch, but now we have a dilemma…He wish he could move to my country but he can’t find a job here. I’m finishing my degree and I also can’t see any job prospects for me in China as well…Even if I move there to live with him, my future seems dark. I wouldn’t even consider the possibility to move to China if my love wasn’t so deep…I’d be completely dependent on him in a foreign country with strict immigration laws… I’m not even a native english speaker nor have any teaching degree in languages or teaching experience, can’t speak mandarin fluently… so my scientific degree seems worthless there. Unless I find a stable job and income in China (unrealistic), I think I won’t be welcome there or get a stable residence permit. How many foreign women had married a chinese national under these conditions? My head tells me it’s not wise but my heart……So we will have to break up because he’s chinese and I’m a foreign girl? I still can’t simply accept this and move on… Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Love and Location Dilemma With a Chinese Man”

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Chapter 75: Buying Amway in China

Amway Shop in Sanya, China — My friend Chris had completely bought into Amway as a way of life, when he began working as a sales rep for them. But while I bought Amway vitamins, I wasn't buying his sales pitch. (photo by HNPIX from Wikimedia Commons)

“I’ve discovered a new confidence and joy,” exclaimed my Chinese friend Chris, who I also visited during my trip to Hangzhou in August 2003. He spoke with all of the passion of a born-again Christian pastor. Except this wasn’t about finding religion — it was about finding Amway.

I don’t know just how Chris went from masters studies in Chemistry to layman’s studies of direct sales. He had finished a year of graduate school at Zhejiang University, one of the country’s top ten schools, and presumably had two more years. Yet, here he was, in a dress shirt and tie, passing out Amway business cards — and demonstrating their products as if this was a sales call, instead of the friendly meeting over tea.

“Here try this,” he said, passing around an Amway hand moisturizer. “The glycerin and honey makes your skin feel softer and smoother than any moisturizer I’ve ever used.” My Chinese friend Caroline — the one who had been a matchmaker to John and I over a year ago — raised an eyebrow at me, and looked as if she was stifling laughter.

But it was no laughing matter to Chris. Continue reading “Chapter 75: Buying Amway in China”

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Ask the Yangxifu: Concerned about Chinese Boyfriend with a Temper

Unhappy face — An American woman wonders why her once-gentle Chinese boyfriend, who came to the US for his Ph.D, is suddenly showing a temper. Jocelyn shares similar experiences with her Chinese husband, and offers some advice.

HoneymoonIsOver asks:

When I came back to the states from China I met my current Chinese boyfriend and that has been an adventure. [He’s here in the US getting his PhD in Pharmaceutics] Now that the “honeymoon” is over with my new bf I’m looking to your blog and others for advice and ideas on how to keep things positive in this new relationship…. I always perceived Chinese men to be extermely gentle, but I have found that me new bf has a bit of a temper [I guess due to the stress of school & lack of decent income]. I heard from another family member that sometimes Chinese men change after they get married and don’t treat their wives well. I am horrified at even hearing this, but now my curiosity has kicked in. Can you tell me what you think?”

Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Concerned about Chinese Boyfriend with a Temper”

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