dating in China | Speaking of China

Ask the Yangxifu: Will Chinese Boyfriend Accept Out of Wedlock Baby?

Baby foot — Will your Chinese boyfriend give you the boot if you already have a baby, and it's not his?

Baby-in-tow asks:

I have a Chinese boyfriend staying here in our town and working in a big company, and he is 30 years of age and he has stayed here almost 6 years. I’m 23 years of age and i just want to ask if my boyfriend will accept me if he knows that I have a daughter in my past relationship (I’m not married and we have totally broken up).Please help me in my problem?..what should I do.??? My boyfriend loves me and really cares for me..hope you can help me. Thank you so much!

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Teen pregnancy. Single motherhood. In China, these are no better than fairytale dragons. Because, for most Chinese people, they just don’t exist: Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Will Chinese Boyfriend Accept Out of Wedlock Baby?”

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The Chinese Zodiac Effect

Lit-up red Chinese lanterns — When you live in China, you cannot escape the Chinese zodiac, and the light it shines on everyday life.

My Chinese husband used to be what his mother called nanyang (难养, difficult to raise). But she didn’t turn to any Chinese equivalent of Dr. Spock to solve the problem. She saw a fortune teller.

“The fortune teller said I had a conflict with my father,” John told me. He’s a horse in the Chinese zodiac, and apparently rats — the sign of his father — just don’t get along well with their equine brethren. “So the fortune teller suggested she find a godfather who is a tiger.” That’s a tiger in the Chinese zodiac.

And that explains why a man John refers to as “godfather” shows up at John’s family home for Chinese New Year and other major holidays in China. He may not be blood family, but he’s important to the family harmony.

It’s not the first time I’d experienced the Chinese zodiac at work in daily life in China. Continue reading “The Chinese Zodiac Effect”

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Ask the Yangxifu: Movies with Chinese Men and Western Women in Love

Yes, sometimes the Chinese man does get the Western woman in the movies -- such as in "For All Eternity." (image from Amazon.com)

B asks:

I was wondering because you often mention about Hollywood and the lack of Chinese men getting the girl. Can you think of any other movies to recommend where a foreign girl gets together with a Chinese or even an Asian male. All I can think of is Shanghai Kiss, Mao’s Last Dancer and the other one Ramen Girl is in Japan so it’s kind of not the same.

My friend told me about a movie aired on CCTV in Chinese about a rich American woman who falls for a peasant Chinese man but she forgets the name of it. Do you happen to know it? Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Movies with Chinese Men and Western Women in Love”

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The China Birthday Enthusiasm Gap

Happy birthday cake — Happy birthday meant something completely different to John, my Chinese husband (photo by Brandon Rittenhouse)

When my birthday came along this summer, my Chinese husband orchestrated yet another in a long line of grand “birthday programs” — mining the rainbow gleam of opal; breathing in the azure beauty of a pristine trout stream filled with river otters; and savoring the fragrant delight of coconut curries at a Thai restaurant downtown. The entire day felt as precious and beautiful as the double rainbow we glimpsed from the highway, arching in twin perfection against the tumultuous gray skies behind.

Two months later, when his birthday arrived, along with the new semester, I imagined a day of birthday revelry fit for the one man who captured my heart and soul. “Maybe we could go to the hot springs. Or a planetarium in a science museum. Or what about visiting a state park?”

But John shrugged, as if I was just discussing the week’s shopping list with him. “We don’t really have the time,” he said, referring to his heavy workload this semester. “You can just make me a chocolate cake,” he smiled.

“A chocolate cake?” I replied, with incredulity. “That’s all?” Continue reading “The China Birthday Enthusiasm Gap”

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Ask the Yangxifu: The Subtext of Frequent SMS Texts from Chinese Men

SMS from Chinese men — What's the subtext of frequent SMS text messages from Chinese men?

Just Friends asks:

My question concerns Chinese men and gauging their interest level, especially through modern means of communication like texting! I’m trying to figure out if I need to put a couple Chinese men frequently calling/texting at an arm’s length in order to keep from leading them on (does this mean that they’re interested romantically?)

If male friends of mine frequently text and call to make casual plans, either just the 2 of us or with friends, should I assume this means they have a romantic interest in me? In the U.S., I would make this assumption if a single guy repeatedly texted or called to see me, and honestly in China I’ve also begun to wonder about the men that are spoken for. I don’t want to be rude by unnecessarily giving a friend the cold shoulder, but I also do NOT want to lead on any men in whom I’m uninterested!! I don’t want to keep agreeing to meet or continue texting if they’ll interpret that as positively receiving their advances.

Could you speak a little about this modern communication and what it means in the dating world of China? I would really love to hear your thoughts! Thank you! Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: The Subtext of Frequent SMS Texts from Chinese Men”

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Ask the Yangxifu: Can Western Women Love a Communist Chinese Military Man?

People's Liberation Army soldiers in Shanghai — Can Western women fall in love with Chinese men who are Communist Party members, and in the military?

Concerned Chinese Person asks:

I’m a Chinese service man,and I’m a number of the communist party of China,I have a question about it,My identity isn’t like the ordinary people,if I build a serious relationship with a western girl,would she mind of my identity?

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CCP, chances are, she wouldn’t care if you’re a Communist or in the military.

Sure, back in the era of McCarthyism, consorting with Communists could suddenly make you “un-American” and put you on the fast track to unemployment.

Even today, some extremists throw around the label “Communism” as if it’s a four-letter word, and “fear government takeover.” But, by and large, these people wouldn’t even think of coming to China, studying Chinese, or having anything to do with a country that has a red flag with a hammer and a sickle on it.

That means, the Western women you’d end up meeting in China probably don’t see Communism as a big deal anymore. Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Can Western Women Love a Communist Chinese Military Man?”

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The Sands, and Teahouses, of Time

Bubble tea in Zhengzhou, China — When love bubbled over with my first Chinese boyfriend in a Taiwanese teahouse, I tried to hold on to that sweetness through the teahouse he left behind (image from Wikimedia Commons)

That Taiwanese teahouse in Zhengzhou, with its weather-beaten wooden facade and rickety sign, faded away beside the signs and storefronts splashed in reds and yellows and blues on the Western end of Weiwu Road.

It didn’t sparkle like the clothing stores on Huayuan Road, where beautiful apparel and even more beautiful salespeople glimmered across the pearl white floors, to a technopop soundtrack. It never shook with crowds like the outdoor vegetable market, where stacks of caged pigeons squawked right opposite the tractors filled with the freshest watermelons in the city. It couldn’t even out-class the luxury of those Beijing-style fabric slippers sold just down the street, in silky pinks and reds and blues fit for an Empress.

But I loved that teahouse more than any other place in Zhengzhou for one simple reason — I fell in love there in 1999. Continue reading “The Sands, and Teahouses, of Time”

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Ask the Yangxifu: How to Learn Mandarin from Your Chinese Boyfriend or Girlfriend

Learning Mandarin Chinese from your Chinese boyfriend or girlfriend — How can you learn Mandarin Chinese from your Chinese boyfriend or girlfriend?

Language Lover asks:

How can I learn Mandarin from my Chinese boyfriend?

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That’s easy, of course — pillow talk. 😉

Yeah, right. If it were that easy, I wouldn’t have sounded like such a moron in Mandarin back in 1999, when I dated my first Chinese boyfriend.

He famously had this dream where we’d speak Chinese one day, English the next. But who were we kidding? He was an English major, comfortably fluent in my language, and I was drowning every time I strayed past “Ni Hao” and everything else in my Lonely Planet phrasebook. Even worse, I felt so embarrassed, awkward and inadequate every time I even attempted to say something in Chinese before him. So we didn’t even go there, and just built our relationship in English. Great for us, devastating for my Chinese. Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: How to Learn Mandarin from Your Chinese Boyfriend or Girlfriend”

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Ask the Yangxifu: Finding Over-35 Chinese Men to Date

Mature Chinese man and Western woman dating — Can a divorced Western woman over 35 find love with a Chinese man?

Over 35 and Fabulous asks:

You have a very unique column, though it seems very focused on the under 35 set….so I’d like to ask about the over 35 set. Being a divorced Western female with school aged children, how would someone in that situation find a Chinese guy about the same age, (maybe and hopefully) with kids of his own too? I’m in the US, by the way. Actually I did find an available Chinese guy about my age a few years ago when I went back to grad school, but he felt pressured by his cultural background (he was from a rural area in China) so he’s gone on his way in life. I know this has got to be a unique question but I’m wondering….anyone with advice/thoughts/experiences for me? It’s gotten to the point where I’ve thought of going back to grad school again to find someone…! …probably not the best reason to go back to grad school but it would jump start my career. Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Finding Over-35 Chinese Men to Date”

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Ask the Yangxifu: Waiting to Marry a Chinese Man

waiting girl — A girl must wait three years before marrying her long-time Chinese boyfriend. Will he marry her when time is up? (photo by Vinícius Sgarbe)

Waitingbride asks:

Im 29, into a 5yrs realationship with a chinese man,whom i really love and want to be with the rest of my life,but the problem is that his parents does’nt want a non-Chinese for him,although he promise me that he will fight for me and build a family together in a right time,he asked me to wait 3 more years coz his father was passed away one year ago..and its a tradition..he told me that we will face the problem together regarding his family after that,besides he told me that he can fight for me coz he has enough savings and stable job and he dont need there family wealth incase his mother unrecognized him,he has his own investment too,I know how much he loves me but some times i feel so depressed coz im not getting younger anymore,i want to have a baby and family,many questions comes on my mind…what if i wait then nothing happens,sometimes i feel so lonely especially if theres an occassion and he cant stay any longer coz his relatives might caught him having a relationship wd me,i realy love him and i know he loves me too and he loves also my family…i am afraid and sometimes tired and wanna give up of waiting but i realy love him.my family and friends pressuring me why we’re not planning marriage 5yrs is enough they said, everytime i heard that i pity my self,ang cried ,pls give me advice, Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Waiting to Marry a Chinese Man”

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