I have a Chinese boyfriend staying here in our town and working in a big company, and he is 30 years of age and he has stayed here almost 6 years. I’m 23 years of age and i just want to ask if my boyfriend will accept me if he knows that I have a daughter in my past relationship (I’m not married and we have totally broken up).Please help me in my problem?..what should I do.??? My boyfriend loves me and really cares for me..hope you can help me. Thank you so much!
Teen pregnancy. Single motherhood. In China, these are no better than fairytale dragons. Because, for most Chinese people, they just don’t exist:
in China…Having baby out-of-wedlock is not an option. Here they cannot even fathom having a baby without a husband. It just isn’t done. In the rare case that it does happen you would be a disgrace to your family and your friends and the baby would disappear. The potential shame you would feel would deter it from ever happening. I had a young Chinese girl say to me that I must have gotten married young. I asked why? She said, because your kids are so old. I said you don’t need to get married to have kids… her mouth hit the floor. She couldn’t believe this. She continues to ask me “what about your parents, your family, and the government?” In this country the wedding is always first, even living together before the wedding is not permitted. She told me that in China it is illegal to have a child out-of-wedlock. The government doesn’t approve of it.
I’m guessing, like that Chinese girl in the quote above, your Chinese boyfriend’s mouth would also hit the floor. Which is to say, you’ll have a LOT of trouble getting him to accept your daughter.
Consider also the tradition Chinese opposition to adoption (which would apply to your situation, as you would be asking him to “adopt” a child not directly related to him). For Chinese, adoption only happens when a family absolutely cannot conceive a child. Why? Two reasons. First, the family worries about attachment issues, namely that a non-blood-related child will not bond well with them. Second, they might also fear that the father of your child will complicate the family — most Chinese families would not welcome the possibility of some phantom man in the background who could suddenly show up and demand some involvement in his daughter’s life. This additionally plays into another fear that keeps Chinese from adoption — that the blood parents will appear out of nowhere and take the child back.
Of course, you can’t truly know what he’ll say until you tell him. After all, Jo Gan, who I quoted above, ended up marrying a Chinese man, despite having two children out of wedlock — though, her children were already grown up when she met her husband. Having to raise a non-blood related child may decrease your chances of getting a pass from him on this.
But tell him soon — realizing that it could be a dealbreaker. Good luck!
Do you have a question about life, dating, marriage and family in China (or in Chinese culture)? Every Friday, I answer questions on my blog. Send me your question today.