Favorites | Speaking of China

My Chinese Inlaws’ Not-So-Free Marriage

Clouds against a blue sky forming a heart — My Chinese father-in-law insisted that the new China included free choice in marriages. But it seemed like an illusion when he admitted he didn't freely choose his bride. (photo by miguel ugalde)

The other day, while talking about weddings in China with my Chinese father-in-law, we happened on the idea of parental involvement (or should I say, pressure) since the founding of the People’s Republic of China.

“It seems to me that parents still have a say in marriages today,” I said.

My Chinese father-in-law shook his head. “No, no, that’s the past,” he disagreed, referring to how Chinese parents used to arrange marriages for their children. “Now people have the freedom to marry whoever they want.”

How I longed to shake him and say, what about what you said about John and I? My Chinese father-in-law was the one who cautioned John against having a foreign girlfriend, telling him he could be friends with — but not date — me.

But I bit my tongue. “What I mean is, Chinese parents have ideas about their children’s marriages. The parent will tell the child if they like the person or not. The child has free choice, but may want to be filial and not go against their parents.”

My father-in-law’s eyes widened and he grinned. “Ah, yes, yes!” Then came a surprising confession. “That’s my marriage.” Continue reading “My Chinese Inlaws’ Not-So-Free Marriage”

Share/Save

Marriage in China is Home, Car, Money?

Home. Car. Money. I first heard these words strung together — fangzi, chezi, piaozi — around 1am in July 2007, while loitering on the stairs outside a Holiday karaoke bar in Hangzhou with my Chinese husband and his friends.

The friend who spoke these words, a guy named Jiang, sighed almost immediately afterwards, before forcing up a grin to hide the frustration he felt about it. “That’s married life in China,” he shrugged.

I had just married John — for the second time, if you consider our ceremony at the Shanghai Marriage Registration Bureau a sort of wedding — and suddenly Jiang’s words seemed to be the fluorescent lights in the reception hall after hours, making an otherwise beautiful thing look cheap and ugly.

By July 2007, it’s not as if John and I hadn’t wrestled with these issues before. Continue reading “Marriage in China is Home, Car, Money?”

Share/Save

Ask the Yangxifu: Staring in China at Couples of Chinese Men-Western Women

Tom asks:

About several months ago, i asked about how to say “i love u” to a foreign girl.

Thanks to your advice, she has been my girlfriend now. We really have a lot in common and we both think that our relationship can be better — that is to say, she can be my fiance. But,there is a problem between her and i. When we go shopping, go to cinema, or eat out, there always are many, many people looking at us with a strange expression. In fact, i have foreseen that embarrassing thing will happen on me, but i really don’t know that that will be so embarrassing.You know,because of my major, i have to stay in china and it means that i have to tolerate those things constantly.I always do my best to ignore them,but it is really difficult, because u can see them everywhere, even in my family.

I think ur husband has ever met the same situation, too. So, i am wondering if u and ur husband could give me any advice on how to avoid or adapt to this. Hope to hear from you soon.

———-

Tom, sometimes — as my Chinese husband told me — it’s all about perspective.

You see “strange expressions” and feel embarrassment when people gawk at you and your girlfriend on the streets of China. But my Chinese husband John sees something completely different. “They’re amazed that I could get a foreign wife.”

In fact, most people are looking at you in awe, as I wrote last year in my survey of stereotypes about couples of Chinese men and Western women:

To many Chinese, having a foreign girlfriend or wife is the best bling money can’t buy. Like cruising in a BMW or popping open a bottle of Moet (part of the worship of all things foreign in China, chóngyángmèiwài or 崇洋媚外) , we suggest he’s truly “made it.”

With a foreign woman by his side, that Chinese man casts a powerful aura around the world in China. People crown him as lihai (厉害, awesome), gaping in awe at his good fortune — and his social status soars.

Now, I’m not in any way suggesting you turn your girlfriend into the equivalent of a living, breathing Mercedes Benz to show off to the world. But keep in mind that many of those “strange expressions” hide a quiet envy — that you’re one of the few Chinese men who could pull off this relationship.

Here’s another way to look at it. Chances are, some of these people have never seen or even imagined the possibility of a Chinese man-Western woman couple. In a world where couples of Chinese women and Western men are a mao a dozen, you and your girlfriend are like real-life ambassadors, showing them another, rarer side of the coin.

Now, with family, it’s a slightly different story. You just started dating, so the two of you are still a novelty to everyone. But after almost seven years of marriage, I can tell you the novelty wears off a bit. I still get a look or two from distant relatives, a sudden pride when I walk through their door, or a “wow, she’s beautiful” from someone I’ve never met. But the subject usually changes faster than you can say “have you eaten?” and I have those moments where I’m just family (albeit, family from another country 😉 ). It does get better.

I can’t say the same for being out in public, however. My Chinese husband and I still turn heads whenever we walk the streets in China, even after years of marriage — so I suspect the stares will never go away for you either. And apart from avoiding the streets entirely, or hiding your Western girlfriend’s entire head, there’s nothing to guard against it.

But you always have a choice on something more important: your interpretation. Embarrassment or pride? Strange expressions or awe? None of the above? You decide.

What do you think? What advice do you have for Tom?

———

Do you have a question about life, dating, marriage and family in China/Chinese culture (or Western culture)? Every Friday, I answer questions on my blog. Send me your question today.

Share/Save

2011 Blogs by Western Women who Love Chinese Men

John my Chinese husband and I after registering our marriage in China — My 2011 update of all the blogs by Western women who love Chinese men.

March 8 — International Women’s Day — is just around the corner, so it’s time for my homage to other fabulous Western women out in the blogosphere who love Chinese men.

If this update is any measure, the state of the community — that is, the community of Western women who love Chinese men — is strong and growing. Last year, I featured only 16 blogs. This year, it’s over 30. Either there are more of you out there speaking up on the internet, or I’m just getting better at finding you. 😉

So, in alphabetical order according to title, here they are:

Aimee Barnes. She’s more known for thoughtful, probing interviews with China’s up-and-coming movers and shakers — but she once loved a man from Shandong (and, I hope, hasn’t given up writing about it). I’ve come to appreciate her voice even more after reading this post about how she went against expectations (she had a learning disability) to master Mandarin and succeed in college and graduate school. Aimee is now living in Singapore with her Asian husband. Continue reading “2011 Blogs by Western Women who Love Chinese Men”

Share/Save

Are Jewish Women More Likely to Marry Chinese Men?

Star of David in the stained glass windows of a temple — Is Chinese and chosen the norm? Are Jewish women more likely to marry Chinese men? (photo by Simon Cataudo)

(NOTE: I turned this short post into a fascinating full article published in Asian Jewish Life. Read it here.)

I had only met Arnold a few times, but I felt he was as familiar as the soy cafe au lait I held in my hands. He and I bonded over China one evening at the gym, and pretty soon we went from lifting weights to lifting coffee cups over at the Starbucks just down the street from me. I liked Arnold because he was this huge espresso shot of an African-American, the kind of guy who wasn’t afraid to say — or ask — anything.

“Are you Jewish?” he asked me, after I sat down.

“No, I’m not, actually. I was raised Catholic. Why do you ask?”

“Because you have a Chinese husband. You usually see Jewish women married to Chinese men.”

“Really? How would you know?”

I was so stunned, I still I can’t remember what he said. Maybe it was because he had lived in this city (which I like to think of as Jewish as Woody Allen) his whole life. Or maybe he heard it growing up.

But later, when I left Starbucks, I wondered if I really was out of the mainstream, as a shiksa with a Chinese husband, Was it true? Were Jewish women more likely to marry Chinese men?

Continue reading “Are Jewish Women More Likely to Marry Chinese Men?”

Share/Save

My Chinese Husband Calls Me Laopo

White letters jumbled up on a black background — What’s in a name? I may be Jocelyn, but I prefer my Chinese husband to call me “Laopo” or wife in Chinese. (photo by Josep Altarriba)

There’s nothing I love more than when my Chinese husband comes bursts into our apartment after a long day, and calls my name.

“Laopo!” he’ll sing out, as he stomps his feet on the mat by the door.

Well, Laopo (老婆, [lǎopó]), which is another word for “wife” in Chinese, isn’t really my name. But the sound of it is as soothing as a cup of Jasmine-scented green tea.

I never thought that I would rather be called “wife” over Jocelyn.

When I was young, my parents never called each other “wife” or “husband,” instead peppering their evening adult conversations with their real names, “Claudia” and “Bob.” The whole idea of using “wife” or “husband” between a wife and husband was the verbal equivalent of turning a marriage into a form letter.

But when I started dating John in Hangzhou many years ago, he began using that “L” word — Laopo — in reference to me. Continue reading “My Chinese Husband Calls Me Laopo”

Share/Save

Ask the Yangxifu: Western women in China are NOT all sluts

Samantha Jones from Sex and the City — Despite what you might have seen Samantha doing in "Sex and the City," all Western women are not sluts.

[This is an excerpt from a series of e-mails from a Chinese man. He met a British woman, who he ended up having dinner with, and later spending an afternoon with her and her friends.]

For a while, I have gone crazy with western girls [in the past]. It’s like I blindly go after any western girls that are pretty, and forget what a relationship is really meant to be. So I calm down and thought for a while. Actually I don’t know this girl Tracy enough yet, so going too fast might actually hurt our future possibility, unless I just want something like fast sex or what. I think I have watched too much US drama [or got that impression from the bars and clubs]…

I found out that I just have a better understanding about Tracy, and I now know that she’s the kind of person who doesn’t like things go too fast. (For example, she mentioned to me that she met a girl yesterday the first time, and then the girl kept asking her to hangout to this place, that place, and then Tracy said she doesn’t like that, as it’s the first time, she doesn’t even know her yet, so she doesn’t feel comfortable, she said she prefers to take some time and get to know the person) When I heard that, I thought, Äre you telling me as well? :)….

I am a bit worried that I will fall into the friend zone, is there any particular precautions you would like to give me? Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Western women in China are NOT all sluts”

Share/Save

Ask the Yangxifu: Dating Advice for Chinese Men from JT Tran, the Asian Playboy

In lieu of the usual Q&A, this week I’m featuring an interview with JT Tran, the number one Asian Dating Coach for Asian men.

JT has been featured on ABC, Chicago TV, VH1’s The Pick Up Artist, Asian Week, D Magazine, Nichi Bei Times, Entrepreneur, Harvard, Rutgers, Wellesley, to name a few. He offers hands-on coaching through his bootcamp seminars with the ABCs of Attraction. And, just recently, he launched the AMWW (Asian Men & White Women) Magazine to provide dating advice for Asian men in every stage of the relationship (in full disclosure, I’ll be writing for the magazine starting this January). Regular readers may also remember I reviewed his free audio dating CD and eBook in December (which are still available for download).

I talked with JT about a variety of subjects, from sexuality and building confidence to having personality and just approaching women. I’m confident you’ll find the conversation as enlightening and enjoyable as I did.

Since this is a monster of an interview, I’ve broken it down into topics, so you can click your way through to the information you want to know most:

Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Dating Advice for Chinese Men from JT Tran, the Asian Playboy”

Share/Save

Ask the Yangxifu: Sex and Chinese Men

The Room by Jesse Therrien — What's the story on sex and Chinese men? A Western woman wonders when her Chinese boyfriend turns out to be a terrible lover. (photo by Jesse Therrien)

sex in singapore asks:

Any idea why my Singaporean (Chinese) lover is so terrible in bed? He is 35, has had long term relationships, has been exposed to the west as he is a successful producer and has been all over the world, he is exposed to the concept of good sex through films and media… so why is he so clueless? He doesn’t even try. In the past his gfs have been Chinese and Singaporean.. When I asked Chinese friends they say in Chinese culture men are less romantic and more passive and don’t want to give pleasure to women. Others say Asians are just not as passionate as in european countries for example. Again I find this hard to believe, I am sure there are many Asians who know what they are doing.. but I do hear western men talking of their Chinese girlfriends and how they have never had orgasm etc. I am interested to know what you think of Chinese/Asian sexual relationships and whether it is in fact normal for the sex to be so … bad? I think this is unlikely and I think it is simply that my guy for whatever reason is just totally clueless. But can any generalisations be made on this subject? thanks!

——-

The best sex I’ve ever had has been with Chinese men (including my husband). And that tells me that there are plenty of wonderful lovers to be found among the sons of Han. Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Sex and Chinese Men”

Share/Save

Three Inches of Separation: On Loving a Shorter Chinese Man

Western wife and Chinese husband, getting married — There are three inches of separation between me and my Chinese husband — because I’m five-foot-seven and he’s five-foot-four.

There are three inches of separation between me and my Chinese husband. That is, three inches of separation between us being exactly the same height — because I’m five-foot-seven and he’s five-foot-four.

Five-four is not what I expected when I measured him a couple of weeks ago. I happened to ask for the measuring tape, just so I could size up our oven for the Thanksgiving turkey we planned to bake this past Thursday. But then he asked for it. “Could you measure me?”

He stood with his head high and chest out, just like the People’s Liberation Army had taught him years ago during those military exercises in the few precious weeks before he started his freshman year of college in China. But as I unraveled the metal strip all the way to his head, I suddenly realized that the five-foot-five I’d told him to put on his driver’s license was, well, one inch too tall.

Years ago, I couldn’t imagine the separation of one inch — let alone three inches — between me and my love.

As John and I flirted for weeks like teenagers, the fact that we always met each other sitting down made me believe in my own version of a tall tale — that he was as tall as I was. But then I invited him to lunch one Saturday, and the moment John stood up from his chair, I traded in one cliche for another — a tall tale for a short Chinese guy.

I’d already vanquished many stereotypes to fall in love with Chinese men before: not sexy enough, not handsome, too effeminate. With every soul-stirring kiss and embrace with one of the sons of Han, I discovered that the stereotypes were no match for the beauty, strength and passion of Chinese men. But now I faced the final dragon, and I didn’t know how to cross this river without faltering. After all, I’d never given my dream man a race or ethnicity, but somehow I’d always promised myself he’d be as tall, if not taller, than me.

To my friend Caroline, who schemed to match John and me up, the answer was obvious. “He may be short, but he is handsome.” Which was true, from his large, oolong-brown eyes to a striking straight nose. And then, she cocked her eyebrow and grinned, imagining another reason to look beyond appearances. “I think he’d make a good husband.”

At first, I didn’t know what to think. So, over time, I just listened to John and his stories. How he wanted to become a psychologist and open a “humanistic care center” to help heal others. The way he had confronted the growing menace of stone-processing factories in his hometown, and their noisome, 24/7 din that had disturbed the peace. His deep passion for philosophy, from Carl Jung to Erich Fromm, and the natural environment. The fact that he was madly in love with me, imperfections and all. And, with each new passage, with each new revelation, he stood taller — in ideals, in character — than any man I had ever known in my life.

So I stopped noticing the height of his stature, and instead embraced the height of his character. And, in 2004, I married him.

Which is probably why John doesn’t even see five-four the way the rest of the world might. “I’m a wusi qingnian!” a five-four youth, he declared, a joking reference to the May Fourth Movement when the youth of China rose up against the Chinese government’s weakness — a movement they call “five-four” in Chinese. While John never was one of those angry youths of the past, in a way, his very presence is like a demonstration — that the greatness of a Chinese man isn’t measured in inches.

Have you loved someone who didn’t “measure up” to your expectations? How did you overcome it?

Share/Save