Guest Post: 5 Reasons You Might Not Find Your Mr. Right in Asia

I met and married the love of my life here in Asia.

So did Anne Moss, who shared her own unique how-we-met story last fall in a guest post titled How an American Woman Exchanged Rings, Bows and Hearts with Her Amazing Taiwanese Husband.

But as we all know, AMWF couples are much rarer around the world, including in Asia.

In her latest guest post for this blog, Anne offers five reasons why it might be harder for Western women to meet that Mr. Right in Asia.

Do you have a compelling post or story you’d love to see featured on Speaking of China? Check out the submit a post page to learn more about how to have your words published here.

While I have happily met and married my Asian Mr. Right, I have found my case to be rather rare. Excluding some typical cultural factors you might think of as a hindrance to finding your love across the world, I’ve listed my top 5 reasons why a western woman living abroad might not ever end up meeting her Mr. Right in Asia:

(photo by Mario Izquierdo via
(Photo by Mario Izquierdo via

#1: Unflattering stereotypes about Western women, thanks to Hollywood

Western media has done us ladies no favors – specifically towards attitudes about sexuality and relationships. I’ve found that men living in Asia have been heavily influenced to believe all us western women will end up sleeping with anyone who decides to smile in our direction. We are often portrayed as easy, with little family regard and would never turn someone down if they are willing to offer us some attention. Many times, the woman is never seen as someone to consider as material for a real relationship. I’ve experienced this myself, and my friends and husband definitely agree it’s an issue for Western women in Asia.

(Photo by Pedro Ribeiro Simões)
(Photo by Pedro Ribeiro Simões via

#2: Different communication styles (indirect versus direct)

In my own household, I was repeatedly taught to speak to the point and ask for what I want or need, and learned that I shouldn’t make someone guess. That’s not necessarily the case here in Asia, where I’ve found that people tend to communicate more indirectly. And when you have different communication styles, it can create challenges in a relationship.

For example, if a problem arises in your relationship, sometimes the two of you might respond in completely different (and contradictory) ways. I’ve been in relationships with men in Asia where he may want to ignore the problem and not talk about it, while I would totally want to talk about it and find a solution.

I’ve also had challenges communicating with parents over here. I’ve found that sometimes trying to “talk” about an issue with an Asian parent basically means listening without your input. To do otherwise would be considered ungrateful and cause loss of face.

These differences can put a lot of stress on both of you when working through disagreements. Sometimes, when trying to help guys over here understand my ideas, feelings and concerns, I’ve felt as if I were continually running up against a brick wall. Sigh.

(Photo by Emily Gould via
(Photo by Emily Gould via

#3: Differences in how you express yourselves and your love

Unless the guy you’re dating speaks your native language well – or you’re fluent in his language — I’ve found that having deeper conversations in your relationship might take some time. It means that when you ask a guy a question like, “How was your day?” he might not always go into the kind of detail you might expect.

Also, how your partner chooses to show his love might be different from you. Is it with actual language? Even within the same cultural group knowing your love language is a skill learned and discovered with time. What is happening when you feel love from your partner? Love languages can include: physical touch, quality time, gifts, verbal confirmation or acts of appreciation. Just because you give love in one way doesn’t mean your partner will receive it in the light it may be given. Do you want love with quality time with your partner but he gives you physical gifts? Getting this far also takes a certain amount of self (emotional) knowledge (and effort to get there) of knowing and understanding yourself and your outlook.

(Photo by Jason D' Great via
(Photo by Jason D’ Great via

#4: Family expectations for Asian men

Family ties and expectations run deep in Asia. It’s not uncommon for men to live with their family before and even after marriage – which might be a deal-breaker for some Western women.

I’ve also found that children in Asia (especially the men) are often expected to provide financial support to their parents, regardless of whether they live with the parents and if there’s a real need for that money. I was surprised to discover this, and I’m sure this would challenge a lot of Western women, who usually aren’t used to giving their parents money like that.

(Photo by jorge larios via
(Photo by jorge larios via

#5: Becoming invisible (if you’re not fluent in the local language)

For personal reasons I am monolingual – I can only speak English. Yet I live in Asia, where English is not the native language for the overwhelming majority of people and countries. This reality has been a hard blow for me. I was taught to be independent, stand up for myself and be in charge when needed. Yet I’ve left behind the America I grew up in for Asia, and it has meant giving up a huge chunk of my own independence. I’ve been forced to depend on my husband for a lot of things and sometimes I feel like I’ve become invisible. I’ve been at restaurants where the staff focused only on my husband, handing him the menus and directing all the questions at him. On many occasions when I’ve visited shops or banks together with him, no one would even make eye contact with me. It’s been one of the hardest things I’ve faced in our relationship.

Anne Elizabeth Moss has spent the last 5 years in Asia and currently lives with her Taiwanese husband in Singapore. She teaches Bellyfit®, Bellydance and Yoga classes and can be found at

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41 Replies to “Guest Post: 5 Reasons You Might Not Find Your Mr. Right in Asia”

  1. Interesting topic. I’ve been living and working in China for almost 2 years. As a women of Slavic look I always get the feeling the reason #1 is the most common for me (“Are you Russian?”). While this is certainly not flattering I am aware I could be losing opportunities to meet nice unprejudiced men because is my low skill in Chinese.
    Another reason I’ve never been able to confirm was my salary compared to average Chinese one. I’m working as project manager in one of the big international companies here and I’m sure if I meet other guy whose salary is not as high he might get under pressure in his role of a bread winner or not even give me a chance since this would cause him to lose face in front of others if he might not be able to provide enough for his potential future family.
    Another quite simple reason: Age. I’m sure if I was 25 there would be much more available men for me as opposed to being a woman belonging to “leftover” category.
    It’s starting to be a bit depressing to hear “You are so beautiful!” from guys knowing they see me as exotic article but not suitable for serious relationship. I’d really love to have relationship with a Chinese guy and set up my family but luck doesn’t seem to be on my side so far.

    1. Side Note: They don’t ask you if you are Russian because you look “Slavic”. I do not look “Slavic” at all and am assumed to be Russian all the time because I am tall and – in their opinion – beautiful. I am too skinny, so they might consider that ‘beautiful’?
      That’s just a Chinese stereotype that you are Russian when you are tall and beautiful/skinny.

      1. If the westerners do not want to be assumed by the locals to be Russian all the time, please go to Hong Kong, where I was brought up. I seriously doubt that you would not be mistaken as Russian. Just by the appearance and demeanor, the locals in HK would not pin you down as a person from a certain country because they have known enough westerners to know that you could be from one of many countries, e.g., the European countries, the U.S., Canada, Australia, New Zealand, South Africa. Unfortunately, if you were to visit some of the casinos in the neighboring Macau, you could be mistaken to be a Russian depending on how you dress. The reason is that quite a number of European ladies of the night “working” in those casinos are from Russia. Of course, my comment here does not imply that you dress like one. I am afraid I would face a problem that I would be assumed to be a Chinese from China when I travel (I think you may know that Chinese living in HK tend to consider themselves to be different from Chinese living in mainland China). This summer I will visit Germany and Austria, and I am prepared to be asked if I am from China. And I will tell them I am a Chinese American, which may confuse some of them.

    2. Very interesting comments too! I am eager to find a western girl! Unfortunately, I failed to make relationship with my ex European gf ! You can add me if you want on wechat ! Chinaben527 is my ID

  2. Oh, interesting. The first time I’ve heard about the “easy American woman” stereotype in China. Thanks so much, Hollywood. 😉

    Yeah, I agree with you on #2 — it’s taken me forever to realize that “talking” to China-born parents is an exercise in futility. My in-laws find the idea that I might have my own ideas and not agree with their advice inconceivable. Or at least I think that’s why they ignore me. Which is possibly better than telling me to just shut up, I suppose. 😉

  3. Under family expectations you might include the expectation that his parents have the final say even in matters central to your marriage (up to and including not only where to live, but also what jobs to take, perhaps what car to buy, when to have kids and how to raise them) and you, as a daughter-in-law, may be expected to do a lot for your in-laws – e.g. help your mother-in-law cook certain dinners or (in Taiwan) prepare offering food for the gods. You don’t get to opt out of these things. You don’t get to say no. And if you want to say no, it is not uncommon for your husband to either avoid the issue completely, or side with his mother. Obviously all men are individuals regardless of culture. You may be pleasantly surprised to find he does support you even when his parents don’t agree with your perspective…but that is very often not the case.

    I know I would not be able to adjust in such a relationship, so I never got into one. It’s a dealbreaker for me that my husband stand by me, or that we work out issues privately and stand together, even when that contradicts what his parents want. I cannot accept a marriage in which that is not the default.

    Also I’ve noticed a tendency among women – at least Western women – to prefer relationships where they can communicate fluently (regardless of the language and also taking into account cultural issues). If neither of you speaks the other’s language fluently, it can be hard to have a deeper conversation about anything, not just your relationship, and that’s a turn-off for a lot of women. That’s not the man’s fault, of course, and if that is important to you but you do want to date in another culture it’s just as much on you to learn his language as it is for him to learn yours, but it can be a problem.

  4. Talking about family expectations… They are the reason for 9 out of 10 fights. What I still don’t want to get used to is that we have to give them money every month. I feel like we are their cash cows or something. 🙁

    And they had to learn how to handle my “No!”s because they were new for them. They gave me mean stares the first few times.

    1. Kind of true and we have had some rough patches shall we say. It is important to set a boundary so everyone are on the same page when it comes to family expectation.

    2. If I were to live with my mom in HK, I would be expected by her to give her money every month. My brother told me that she did not need any money from her children, but giving her money as a gesture that we care about her would make her happy. Having lived in the U.S. for quite some time, I can certainly understand why you do not feel like paying your in-laws monthly. I hope that Mr. Panda could some how make his parents understand the customs in Austria better.

  5. It is a two way street. Might work better in Singapore or Hong Kong than in Korea or China, and definitely will work better in the Philippines with the same religion. Actually the only real difference between the Philippines and Poland is the color of the skin. The religion is the same and the values regarding Catholicism is almost identical. Actually Poland has more in common with the Philippines than with the United Kingdom. You can make the same comparisons between Spain and Portugal, and the Philippines. Similar culture and values but markedly different skin color (the only real difference). Actually the Spanish were in the Philippines. In the US the faster growing “interracial” group is Hispanics and the Filipinas. Until about 2005, black-Asian couples were fastest growing because it was a low number to begin with and still low.

  6. Nope all of the things listed above are very minor points.

    There is a huge issue an elephant in the room which isn’t widely discussed.

    Go back a few years and read Joss’s posts about how anti Chinese her acquaintances are in the US and how badly they get treated when they go there. How there are massively ingrained negative stereotypes and black propaganda against Chinese men.

    About how anti-miscegenation laws existed as little as 40 years ago.

    One of the reasons that many of you won’t meet the man of your dreams in China or anywhere in Asia is simply because of social conditioning. Women in the US are conditioned by the main stream media (MSM) to hate Asian men and to see them as subhuman garbage. Many Chinese simply aren’t seen as viable partners and it never even enters their mind.

    Again go back to Joss’s posts about 5-6 years ago. She herself said she didn’t see Chinese men as viable partners. It never even entered her mental landscape or realm of possibility to do such a thing.

    There is a massive number of people in the US that emasculate and hate Chinese men. Go look at the massive explosion of hate when James Lowe started dating Lorde. The MSM runs with this and portrays us as nerdy losers like Long Duk Dong. Long Duk Dong character appears in a 2015 film. It wasn’t a long time ago and yet such views are still main stream and acceptable. They lie about us, they use yellow face to tarnish us yet they see nothing wrong with it as it empowers them at a cost to us.

    This scene from Dragon Bruce Lee story illustrates this:

    Linda Emery saw NOTHING wrong and laughed along until she saw the hurt on Bruce’s face.

    Go look on where Asians are constantly portrayed negatively in the main stream media.

    Or bigasian package.

    Until this changes. Until we’re not seen as the enemy, as long as the media thinks long duk dong portrayals of us continues (it there is no end in sight).

    Then the chances of US women finding husbands in China? Not very likely!

    1. America is not the only country in the world with women.
      Where I come from in western Europe we tend to overlook race and colour and focus more on character.

      Sadly in my experience and time in China, Chinese men do themselves no favour by their attitude and treatment of women and girls.
      I have been propositioned and worse more often in China by men who don’t know the meaning of the word ‘no’ – something to do mostly with their stupid conviction that foreign women actually behave as those in TV and films.
      And I am not talking about bars or night clubs, which I never frequent, but on the street or the work place.

      The inability of negotiate and compromise is another thing that is not attractive. When I have attempted this I have been met with anger, sulking, pouting silence and overall childish behaviour.
      This kind of behaviour is not attractive in ANY man, but there seems to be a huge prevalence of this kind of self-centred behaviour in many Chinese due to the one child policy that has produced more ‘little emperors’ than any other country.

      I don’t want to be the one doing all the work in a relationship, tolerating selfishness, always compromising, giving support and not getting any in return, not being listened to, not having my point of view respected, in what is supposed to be a partnership, not a parent/child relationship.

      Of the many Chinese/non-Chinese relationships I know of first hand, it mostly seems to be the non-Chinese partner that has to compromise and tolerate more to the Chinese partner, or endure the interminable ‘you don’t understand Chinese culture’ followed by pouting and silence.

      Problems not solved or addressed in a relationship don’t magically disappear, but can grow like a cancer causing bitterness and resentment.

    2. KenM,

      This post struck a chord with me and I wanted to respond. I need to give a bit of background about myself. I am American and I am married to a Chinese man (he’s from Shanghai). My husband and I currently reside in the U.S. and when it comes to nerdiness, I am the nerdy one in our relationship. I also have a degree in history and I am very well aware of the U.S. past.

      First of all the U.S. is one of the most diverse countries on Earth and this is something that I love about my country. However, with so much diversity comes issues about differences in race, religion, culture, etc. In my humble opinion, I believe that the U.S. needs to have conversations about these differences, because I don’t think we are doing it very well. I am not sure if it’s fear, lack of knowledge, not knowing where to start, etc. I would welcome these discussions, because I think they are important.

      I am going to disagree with you about some of the things in your post. I want to start with the miscegenation laws. Interracial marriage was illegal in SOME parts of the U.S. until the 1967 Supreme Court case, Loving v. Virginia. This case was about Richard Loving (white) and Mildred Loving (black) wanting to have their marriage recognized as valid in their home state of Virginia (they had been married in Washington). After the Supreme Court ruled on this case, interracial marriage has been legal throughout the U.S.

      I also disagree about mainstream media. I am a 31 year old woman and I grew up watching mainstream media. Let’s talk about the Long Duk Dong character. First of all, he was a in the movie “Sixteen Candles” by John Hughes. This movie came out in 1984, not 2015. I have included a link to show this below.

      This movie came out 31 years ago. I am not saying that stereotypes don’t exist in mainstream media, because they do to some extent. I like to think that my country has grown and improved as a nation since this movie came out. For example, Donnie Yen is going to be in Rogue One: A Star Wars Story. This movie doesn’t come out until later this year, but his role looks interesting.

      I am sorry to hear that Jocelyn and her husband had some negative experiences, but not everyone in an AMWF relationship has experienced that. My husband and I have had positive experiences in the U.S. My family and friends love my husband and my acquaintances have treated us very well. People never say rude things to us and we don’t get weird looks. We will be going to China next month and I have never been there. I am curious to see what are experiences with others will be.

      I love this blog and this blog has really helped me with the cultural differences in my relationship. My husband and I will be married a year next month and the first year is the hardest. Some of our biggest arguments, I am sure, are due to our cultural differences.



      1. What does it matter that it was legalized by the Supreme Court? The fact of the matter is , the yellow peril attitude already was prevalent was common among white women because of films like this. A whole generation watched stereotypical stuff like this. Excuses.

        The yellow peril continues today in the anti-china press in the American media.

      2. Heather:

        Are you living somewhere along the west coast or Hawaii? Or New York, Philly or Chicago suburbs or Northern Virginia? Recently have seen a lot of AMWW couples in Northern Virginia especially in Arlington, about two miles from Pentagon. Jocelyn lived in Idaho. Big difference. California and Idaho are indeed two different countries as far as culture is concerned. People in Asia speak of American culture in Asia. Baloney! There is no single American culture and the white people in Idaho are very different from the whites in California. How different? A daughter of AMWW couple who is in her twenties and who was President scholar at Purdue University in the past, told me that her mother used her academic achievements in her anti-racist agenda and she is from CA. People who cannot take to other races in California used to move to Colorado. Now, Colorado is changing and so the next best place for them is Idaho like the couple in this Dateline Program.

        And one final point on your comment.

        “I like to think that my country has grown and improved as a nation since this movie came out.”

        Answer: Donald Trump. go figure!

      3. Recent US census data showed huge disparity on marriage between AM/WF vs WM/AF. I have to conclude that the subtle media reflection of AM not being masculine certainly didn’t help and the trend is not changing much. With the exception of Hawaii, where AM/WF couples are common as day, Asian males certainly have a more difficult time if they were to aim for white females in the rest of the US.
        Antagonism towards AM/WF couples seems to have subsided very much in the continental US. Thirty years ago my white Canadian wife was confronted by her white co-workers and demanded to know as to why “she stooped down so low as to marry a Chinese”. Nowadays, here in southern California, at least we don’t get stares from the locals, except for recent Asian immigrants.

  7. “There is a huge issue an elephant in the room which isn’t widely discussed.”

    Really? You must be living in another world. Have you ever seem my posts about white US women literally holding their noses when an Asian or non-white ask them for a date. Man, back in the 1980s there was this very dark Indian guy who told his family that his white female acquaintance touched her nose frequently when he was talking to her. Someone joked that this guy must have asked her for a date, as he was wearing perfume that day. I frequently get stoned by people when I bring up any of these incidents.

  8. KenM. If you are suggesting that Chinese men are afraid of asking white women out, particularly white American woman for fear of loosing face if they get rejected, I totally agree. At least in Singapore, people will talk stuff like “he has no shame..what the hell did he think asking an “Ang Moh girl” (white woman) for a date.” And word spreads. Two Chinese men belonging to rich families were set up on a blind date with two white American women back in 2010. When they saw their dates and literally ran away, yes, the Chinese men lost face and people talked about it even after they got married last Malaysian Chinese women.

  9. “Where I come from in western Europe we tend to overlook race and colour and focus more on character.”

    Really? I think Europeans focus more on ethnicity. Serbs don’t like the Croats or Bosnians. Slovenians think they are western Europeans, as do the Baltic States and Poland, only to be rejected by the Brits many of whom want Brexit. Brits who marry foreigners including white Americans face long waits, perhaps as much as two years before they can even get a visa to bring their wives into the country. while all the time, the Brits want a one way street from Europe and everyone else. They like to hog all the big roles in Hollywood while trying to strip Americans of work visas in their country.

    No country in the world overlooks skin and emphasizes character. India has its issues, China has its issues and as John said Poland and the Philippines may have the same mindset, only one side will approve of marriage between the Poles and the Philippine ethnicity…the Filipina side. Despite having the same mindset with strict catholic values, the Pole-Filipina marriages per capita are far fewer than the US-Filipina marriages..yes, color plays a major role.

    1. Many countries have stringent procedures for non-national spouses to get visas to join them. Should I (who am not a Brit) want to join an American spouse in America I would have to jump through just through many hoops.
      Anyway it is governments who control visas, NOT individuals.

      Some of the other posters have noted that it is communication issues (or lack thereof) that are the stumbling blocks to relationships. When one partner stone-walls communication due to ‘cultural issues’, it makes the work of the other more difficult and harder. And relationships require honesty and work for success.

      One reason maybe why there are fewer Pole-Filipina marriages per capita than US-Filipina marriages could be because fewer Poles travel to the Philippines and vice versa. This has nothing to do with skin colour, just travel opportunities.

  10. “Linda Emery saw NOTHING wrong and laughed along until she saw the hurt on Bruce’s face.”

    But she did get out of there with Bruce don’t blame her!

  11. “There is a massive number of people in the US that emasculate and hate Chinese men. Go look at the massive explosion of hate when James Lowe started dating Lorde.”

    You don’t have to wait until a Chinese guy moves to Tuscaloosa, Alabama and asks a white woman for a date (like the white man does in reverse in places such as Hong Kong) for hate to explode in America. In places like Alabama you ask for date you will get hate, no doubt. Go to google and type the following: Donald Trump. Only 30% of women supported Trump, may be in places such as South Carolina, upto 40%. White anchors such as NBC’s Nicole Wallace may think it is funny, but nearly 100% of all men and women who support Trump are white and many white women especially in New Hampshire who had voted for Trump are now having buyer’s remorse as he has turned on them. Unfortunately cannot have their money back though!

    Yes, there are problems in China and Hong Kong. But, I have to yet see a Chinese equivalent of Donald Trump emerge and ask all white people to leave the country. Did not even happen in Japan. Mostly a white phenomenon and to a great extent in South Asia as well. East Asians are fine with anyone as long as you have money or you are perceived to have money.

  12. 1. Chinese equivalent of Donald Trump wont ask all the white people to leave. They would worship white skin and ask the darker people to leave…. Oh wait. Thats such a prevalent prejudice so commonly accepted that you dont need an extreme leader like Trump to speak for such colorism.

    2. The “asian men are not manly” prejudice is mainly prevalent in US. I haven’t heard it anywhere else. And not all american women endorse that view. On the flip side I know many asian men who openly claim that getting a white gf would give them face (because sure women are nothing but things that increase your status) and that they dont find darker skinned women attractive/ would not date them. Not all asian men endorse such racist views. But, they exist. So when asian men go on and on about the racism they face while acting in racist ways against women of color, I am sorry I dont feel sorry for them.

    3. This doesnt mean that racism doesnt exist. It does, and it does everywhere. You cannot compare one nation to another. US has a far more violent history of racism than maybe China, but it has also done far more than China to combat racism. Actually it would be a victory of sorts of any political body in ANY east asian country AT LEAST admits that there is racism. Their institutional laws are embarrassing given that they do have migration from SE Asia and Africa in some instances AND have several indigenous and ethnically diverse populations. So lets stop the mud slinging and ALL of them are racist and have massive room for improvement.

    4. @KenM: The 5 points stated by the original poster are completely valid. Cultural differences are a far more probable reason for relationships not working out than physical attraction. Also see pt.2 about asian men whining about white women not finding them attractive. You dont see women of color whining about asian men not finding them attractive, do you? There are unfair stereyotypes against asian men in the US, but thats not the ONLY reason why women arent running to be with them. The biggest reason for not being in an interracial and international relationship is usually the fact that it is actually very hard, and unless you really love the other person; quite hard to pull off. Also, on a side note, I know of many women not raised with the american stereyotype of unmanly asian men, who dont legitimately think about an asian man as a romantic partner. Not because they think asian men arent attractive, but simply because in their interactions with these men they seemed solely interested in asian women. Nothing wrong with that, but a lot of western non asian men do show obvious interest in women of other races, giving the impression that they arent only looking at women of their race as potential partners and all others as either friends or pieces of meat. There is nothing wrong with asian men only wanting to date asian women. but its wrong to blame the resulting disinterest by foriegn women on American media. Its just absurd.

    1. Still have not met a Chinese Donald Trump either personally or on TV. The ones who ask non-whites to leave while allowing the whites in reside in Singapore and they are very open about it too.

  13. Hi Anne, re point number 5.
    You’re not ignored because you’re with your Chinese husband. My foreign friends and I are routinely ignored when we’re out with Chinese people.

    For example, I once had a whole conversation with a shopkeeper who was obviously listening to me, without making eye contact, but directed all of his answers at my Chinese friend who didn’t make a single responce, just looked at her phone the whole time.

    My friend said that they may be worried about not understanding foreigners or feel that they may have to speak English which could make them uncomfortable.

  14. Been too busy to comment on most posts, but I thought to say something.

    I do understand all of these points about being or having a relationship with any Asian guy.

    But, to me, communication itself is not just a cultural factor, it’s any guy, from any background, ethnicity, etc. I’ve always had problems with most guys who don’t communicate well in relationships.

    Part of that has to do with I think, the entirety of “if you talk about your feelings, you’re not man enough, you’re not tough enough.” which is utter bs.

    I’ve never been able to handle relationships only because they were emotionally exhausting and I just didn’t want to deal with lack of communication. (some people are meant to be alone, I guess.)

    My ex, who is from Shanghai, I know he was hiding things from me and I still want to know why he didn’t try with whatever our relationship was. But, either than that, I give props to anyone dating or anyone married.

  15. It must be really hard to leave everything you know in order to live in a new place with new people speaking a different language that don’t understand you at all. I think you’re lucky because you have your husband. But can you imagine being alone in that situation it would be awful. Adapting is the key, right?

    You’re so brave. Communication and understanding are already so hard between boys and girls. 😀

    Anyway, I really liked to read your post. Interesting record!

  16. You generally cannot accuse white American women of racism for not going out with Chinese men who have grown up in China. But, take a look at how many date Chinese men who were born and brought up in the US. Are there any significant differences? With the exception of the west coast, I see very little if any differences in the attitude towards culturally different Chinese men from China and American born and brought up Chinese, among many white American women. So, yes people bring up media bias, Breakfast at Tiffany’s and simple racism.

  17. @David/KenM,

    I am sorry that you have had such negative experiences with dating in the US. Of course there is still racism, sometimes perpetuated by the media, that needs to be stamped out.

    That said, I don’t think it’s quite as rampant as you would suggest. I grew up in Colorado (the escape state from Cali???). I actually didn’t even know any of those negative stereotypes about Asians until I had moved to Asia and talked with other Asian-Americans/watched more Youtube videos about that topic.

    We didn’t have that many Asians in my school, and they definitely didn’t fit any of those stereotypes (some of them skated, got arrested, dated interracially, were in bands, etc.). So I always had a positive view of Asians growing up because I would think of the ones I knew. As far as attraction, I also had crushes on some of them just like guys of other races. I literally never thought much about their race.

    This is just my theory, but I think it tends to be more of a cultural thing than a race thing. The Asians in my schools in CO hung out with other white and Hispanic kids (not enough for their own clique), therefore the things they were interested in and the way they approached girls were the same. Even when I later moved to the South, it seemed to be the same. The Asian-Americans I knew who were very confident (even though some weren’t so good-looking or tall), tended to be very popular with white girls while newer immigrants who weren’t as confident or just didn’t know how to flirt or banter the same way weren’t as much.

    So I think it’s largely cultural. American girls tend to be attracted to confidence and humor (I would argue more than almost anything else), something hard to pull off if you’re working in another language. And even if they are not recent immigrants so English isn’t a problem, it seems that some guys still haven’t developed the confidence with girls of other races. If you go on Youtube, there are channels like SimplePickup that show that Asian guys can definitely get girls (not that I advocate pickup artists at all, just trying to point out that they have cracked the code).

  18. Not racism in dating. Racism period in places like Tennessee and even in Indiana, the latter during the 1980s. Stared right in the face of the neo-Nazi serial killer back in 1980 during the Cherry Blossom Parade in DC. His name was Joseph Paul Franklin. He told me he had killed a few people. Thought he was joking. A few weeks later he will shoot Vernon Jordan, the Civil Rights leader and two black men in Salt Lake City because he was seen with two white women. The latter were trying to convert the black men to LDS faith. His name was Joseph Paul Franklin and was executed in MO back in 2013. Just one of many incidents.

    Spent a lot of time in Colorado. Actually spent the entire summer of 2006 in Boulder, at the University as a Visiting Fellow.

    “We didn’t have that many Asians in my school, and they definitely didn’t fit any of those stereotypes (some of them skated, got arrested, dated interracially, were in bands, etc.). ”

    Littleton? Evergreen? Bergen Park? Highland Ranch? Don’t believe it was Castle Rock, Pine or Conifer or east Colorado as virtually no Asians there in places like Simla or Limon. Were you in Colorado when the whole Columbine thing took place? The anti-immigrant (not anti illegal immigrant) by which I mean both anti-Asian and anti-Hispanic Congressman was running the show then. The area seems to have changed somewhat during the past decade. But, the south, I beg to disagree. Have seen town with no Asians or non-whites. Mountain Brook, Alabama is one such place. For a long time the only Asian children, for that matter, only non-whites at the Mountain Brook High were adopted Thai girls. They had a very tough time. Gainesville, GA and Greenville, SC too, despite the proliferation of the Japanese auto plants. In fact the South is the only place where white men will work for Japanese autos and then attend a Trump rally where Trump speaks ill of the hands that feed them and get these low IQ fools to vote for him. He tried in Ohio and lost big to Kasich. Shows difference in intelligence level more than racism.

  19. It is most unfortunate that Western women were the subject of the stereotypes that Chinese imposed on them, just as we Chinese and other Asians were stereotyped in the West. I believe that if one presents oneself in an honest and decent manner, then the others will discard the stereotypes and judge one for his or her true character rather than to allow stereotypes to define him or her. If Ms. Moss learns to speak the local language and communicate with the locals, then they will not judge her by the stereotypes.

    Good luck Ms. Moss.

    1. Your the biggest idiot ever if you believe those stereotypes were imposed by thr Chinese. White Hollywood made those stereotypes. Not Chinese people.

  20. I’ll bring up an even huger elephant in the room. Try being in my shoes. Dark skinned fat Black American in China, who sadly is highly attracted to Asian guys. Talk about an untouchable in the dating world. Then finally finding love but getting denied it due to my skin color. The family just couldn’t accept me and I couldn’t make him choose so I ended things and am miserable and cry everyday. Being discriminated due to your skin color is never a fun thing.

      1. I actually know her personally and a few others. Except for one they were lighter skinned. Also they are the exception to the rule not the norm. It’s a hard reality to face by I just think that I am not found attractive but any men. I just have no luck. The only Chinese male interested in me me is my dog.

        1. Hi Amber,
          A while ago Jo wrote a fabulous post about Tibetan men loving black women. Did you see it? Was funny and interesting, a good read.
          Millions and millions and millions of Chinese men here, must widen the odds for preferences…?
          Take care.

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