Under the indigo unknown of night, my Chinese husband and I had a surprising conversation, about just who we are.
There’s something about the indigo unknown of a dark winter night. Because, for John and I, it turned a compliment into a conversation bordering on metaphysics.
We were driving home on Thursday evening, when the veil of clouds had turned the sky above into a huge, nebulous tunnel dyed in india ink. And I just happened to turn to John, over a broadcast of Hanukkah songs, to say what I often say to him. “You’re outstanding.”
“But why am I outstanding?” he asked. Which is not unusual. He’s asked me many times before, to elucidate every aspect of what makes him so outstanding. And I always oblige with a parade of compliments, that range from the physical (“Handsome”) to the more abstract (“Talented”). But I’d just told him why the other day, marching out the very same compliments. So I didn’t understand why he needed to hear all over again.
John looked down at the floor. “Sorry, I have trouble remembering.” And then as we both looked into the earthly cosmos stretched out before us, a more nebulous admission arose. “I really don’t have a clear idea of who I am.” Continue reading “Who Is My Chinese Husband?”
How can a Chinese man go from sharing smiles to sharing coffee with a Western girl in the US? (photo by Michaela Kobyakov)
K asks:
Here’s my situation, I’m a college student in the US, chinese male, above average height.
So here’s my situation. I just finished class and was on my way to the bathroom when I saw this hot brunette(white girl) at the department office. She just gave me a cursory glance and smiled. I ignore her (thought she was just being friendly, and some girls just like to smile at guys) and didn’t think much about it and just went on with my day.
However, much later during the day, I had to get some forms from the department office. So I went back and saw her again. I do believe she is an undergraduate student working part time. So as I was browsing through the forms, I notice she was staring at me. I mean, literally. That made me really uncomfortable. So being the stereotypical shy chinese guy, I pretended not to notice.
When my research advisor walked into the office, we went into the next room. Halfway through our conversation, I saw her walking by our room and she look in. This time we had eye contact, and she smiled so sweetly again!
When my talk with my advisor finish, I came out of the office and notice she was gone, I think she went for class. I went home and thought about her the whole day. White girls(especially hot white girls) tend to be a little intimidating to me. I think that maybe she was just as intimidated as I am.
So finally, to hell with my inhibitions, I’m gonna ask her out but I’d like a little successful AM/WF white female perspective on how I should do it and what I need to be aware of. as I have only been with Chinese girls my whole life
Weeks after John and I became a legally recognized couple in China in late July, the pink pastel envelopes of misunderstanding — with return addresses from my parents, grandparents, uncles and aunts — started pouring in:
Congratulations On Your Marriage!
To the Bride and Groom…
On Your Wedding Day…
“It’s not really a wedding,” I had told my father. “They call it dengji, or registering. It’s more symbolic, like an engagement.” I didn’t wear a bridal gown that day. There were no friends present to witness, and no gifts to receive. We didn’t even tell John’s family about it, until afterwards.
But I’d sent photos home to my dad, and they told another story. China’s national seal, flag, and an official podium with the words “Shanghai Marriage Registry Office” adorned the stage where John and I stood side by side. Across from us, a bureaucrat read our wedding vows, asking us to pledge to care for one another, and our parents. The whole thing screamed “wedding at the courthouse or justice of peace.”
So years later, after John and I came to the US, my American friends and relatives just didn’t understand our need to have a wedding. “Didn’t you already get married?” they might ask, as if I was trying to erase how I’d chosen shotgun eloping over a ceremony. Every year, around late July, we’d find the same well-intentioned pastel envelopes in our mailbox, feeling like another round of votes against our wedding hopes. Sometimes even I wondered if I’d wasted all that time and money getting three wedding dresses, now languishing in the back of our dusty wooden closet.
“My family doesn’t consider us married until we have the wedding ceremony,” John would reassure me. So, by the time we did have our ceremony, it didn’t matter that it was nearly three years after we had “registered.” John’s family welcomed us back home to China, to do the ceremony that I wanted, and they wanted. There was no confusion about it — this was our true wedding.
But I can’t say the same for my family in the US. After all, they still ask me what’s the date of our anniversary. 😉
Have your family or friends ever gotten confused over the “dengji question” — or other wedding/marriage customs in China?
Understanding your Chinese boyfriend, and what it means when he doesn't call -- or e-mail
Talk to Me asks:
I’ve become involved with a chinese man and yes, I find communication to be a real problem. We email quite often since he is out of town, but I notice that there are times that he will not respond to one of my emails. Prime example, he thinks that I’ve been asking questions about his return home to one of his friends. When he asked me through email if his friend has been discussing with me about his return, I simply answered “It has nothing to do with who has been telling me things, these things I want to come from you because I trust it hearing this from you.” He has not responded to my email. He has completely shut down. I’m at the point of giving up on the relationship because I never know when he’s going to stop talking to me, and at this point, I’m wondering if he has broken up with me. Can you please shed some light on what I’m experiencing.Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Understanding Silence from Your Chinese Boyfriend”
There are three inches of separation between me and my Chinese husband — because I’m five-foot-seven and he’s five-foot-four.
There are three inches of separation between me and my Chinese husband. That is, three inches of separation between us being exactly the same height — because I’m five-foot-seven and he’s five-foot-four.
Five-four is not what I expected when I measured him a couple of weeks ago. I happened to ask for the measuring tape, just so I could size up our oven for the Thanksgiving turkey we planned to bake this past Thursday. But then he asked for it. “Could you measure me?”
He stood with his head high and chest out, just like the People’s Liberation Army had taught him years ago during those military exercises in the few precious weeks before he started his freshman year of college in China. But as I unraveled the metal strip all the way to his head, I suddenly realized that the five-foot-five I’d told him to put on his driver’s license was, well, one inch too tall.
Years ago, I couldn’t imagine the separation of one inch — let alone three inches — between me and my love.
As John and I flirted for weeks like teenagers, the fact that we always met each other sitting down made me believe in my own version of a tall tale — that he was as tall as I was. But then I invited him to lunch one Saturday, and the moment John stood up from his chair, I traded in one cliche for another — a tall tale for a short Chinese guy.
I’d already vanquished many stereotypes to fall in love with Chinese men before: not sexy enough, not handsome, too effeminate. With every soul-stirring kiss and embrace with one of the sons of Han, I discovered that the stereotypes were no match for the beauty, strength and passion of Chinese men. But now I faced the final dragon, and I didn’t know how to cross this river without faltering. After all, I’d never given my dream man a race or ethnicity, but somehow I’d always promised myself he’d be as tall, if not taller, than me.
To my friend Caroline, who schemed to match John and me up, the answer was obvious. “He may be short, but he is handsome.” Which was true, from his large, oolong-brown eyes to a striking straight nose. And then, she cocked her eyebrow and grinned, imagining another reason to look beyond appearances. “I think he’d make a good husband.”
At first, I didn’t know what to think. So, over time, I just listened to John and his stories. How he wanted to become a psychologist and open a “humanistic care center” to help heal others. The way he had confronted the growing menace of stone-processing factories in his hometown, and their noisome, 24/7 din that had disturbed the peace. His deep passion for philosophy, from Carl Jung to Erich Fromm, and the natural environment. The fact that he was madly in love with me, imperfections and all. And, with each new passage, with each new revelation, he stood taller — in ideals, in character — than any man I had ever known in my life.
So I stopped noticing the height of his stature, and instead embraced the height of his character. And, in 2004, I married him.
Which is probably why John doesn’t even see five-four the way the rest of the world might. “I’m a wusi qingnian!” a five-four youth, he declared, a joking reference to the May Fourth Movement when the youth of China rose up against the Chinese government’s weakness — a movement they call “five-four” in Chinese. While John never was one of those angry youths of the past, in a way, his very presence is like a demonstration — that the greatness of a Chinese man isn’t measured in inches.
Have you loved someone who didn’t “measure up” to your expectations? How did you overcome it?
Beneath my Chinese husband's compassionate exterior lived a "military fan" -- and a story of nostalgia surrounding the anti-Japanese films of his childhood.
For my husband, Boston’s historical ground zero was nowhere to be found on the Freedom Trail. In early June, 2010, we’d spent the entire day tracing the footsteps of the revolutionaries, shaking the city of Boston, and the fabric of America forever — but John wasn’t moved. Not until we caught a glimpse of that weathered old gray hull across from the USS Constitution. Then, like the greedy seagulls hovering around us, he dove straight towards this morsel of forgotten history, one without swarms of tourists or a song to forever memorialize its great accomplishments. His hungry eyes devoured all of it, from the industrial strength metal panels bolted together to the rather auspicious “793” painted on the side.
“It was hit by kamikaze fighters in the Pacific,” I pointed out. Nothing could have been sweeter to my husband — to see a retired US Navy Ship that fought against the Japanese during World War II. Because, after all, he is a “military fan.”
Books such as Foreign Babes in Beijing feature Chinese men and Western women in love.
In lieu of the usual Q&A, I decided to do a post is inspired by a previous Q&A. Specifically, the question I answered two weeks ago about movies with Chinese men and Western women — since many movies owe their existence to books, that ultimate writer’s labor of love (including at least two of the movies on that list). And, even if it is cliche to write this, well, the book usually IS better than the movie. 😉
So, here’s a list of all the books I can think of with Chinese men and Western women in love:
As Katherine struggles to care for two children in New Zealand in the wake of her husband’s death, she discovers love with the Chinese shopkeeper — but must keep it secret because of the racism and prejudice of this era, just on the brink of World War I. Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Books with Chinese Men and Western Women in Love”
This post exploring stereotypes is a collaboration with Gerald Schmidt. We wondered about the idea of stereotypes in Chinese-Western couples — how are they different, and who has it harder? Read Gerald’s take on the Chinese man-Western woman pairing.
Will your Chinese boyfriend give you the boot if you already have a baby, and it's not his?
Baby-in-tow asks:
I have a Chinese boyfriend staying here in our town and working in a big company, and he is 30 years of age and he has stayed here almost 6 years. I’m 23 years of age and i just want to ask if my boyfriend will accept me if he knows that I have a daughter in my past relationship (I’m not married and we have totally broken up).Please help me in my problem?..what should I do.??? My boyfriend loves me and really cares for me..hope you can help me. Thank you so much!
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Weeks after John and I became a legally recognized couple in China in late July, the pink pastel envelopes of misunderstanding — with return addresses from my parents, grandparents, uncles and aunts — started pouring in:
by Alison Wong
