Chinese parents | Speaking of China

Ask the Yangxifu: My Chinese Boyfriend’s Parents Think We’re Unnatural

A white woman with Cleopatra-like blue eye makeup and a jewel on her forehead. — Her Chinese-American boyfriend's parents think their relationship is "unnatural" because she's older and taller than him (and not because she's white). How can she get them to like her? (photo by Shonna Clark)

Andrea asks:

I am very in love with a Chinese-American guy and he feels the same way about me. We have similar educations and world outlooks. I really feel like he might be “the one” for me. The problem is that when he introduced me to his family they had a strong objection to me. Although they said I was pretty and nice and spoke Chinese very well, they were not okay with the fact that I am four years older and two inches taller than him. (A classic case of jiedilian I suppose). They explained to him that our being together was “unnatural” and to prove their point cut him off financially until he found a more suitable girlfriend. I should also probably mention that I am white – but he has dated white girls before and they were okay with that so I don’t think that is the problem.

He is still very happy to be with me and told me not to worry and that they will “come around”. Prior to being with him I lived in mainland China for three years and am skeptical that they will learn to ignore the height and age different. What do you think is the best approach to winning them over? Should I ignore their feelings towards our relationship and just continue to be sweet and friendly (aka play dumb)? Should I try to bring it up with them somehow? Is there some special way to make them like me I haven’t thought about? Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: My Chinese Boyfriend’s Parents Think We’re Unnatural”

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My Chinese Inlaws’ Not-So-Free Marriage

Clouds against a blue sky forming a heart — My Chinese father-in-law insisted that the new China included free choice in marriages. But it seemed like an illusion when he admitted he didn't freely choose his bride. (photo by miguel ugalde)

The other day, while talking about weddings in China with my Chinese father-in-law, we happened on the idea of parental involvement (or should I say, pressure) since the founding of the People’s Republic of China.

“It seems to me that parents still have a say in marriages today,” I said.

My Chinese father-in-law shook his head. “No, no, that’s the past,” he disagreed, referring to how Chinese parents used to arrange marriages for their children. “Now people have the freedom to marry whoever they want.”

How I longed to shake him and say, what about what you said about John and I? My Chinese father-in-law was the one who cautioned John against having a foreign girlfriend, telling him he could be friends with — but not date — me.

But I bit my tongue. “What I mean is, Chinese parents have ideas about their children’s marriages. The parent will tell the child if they like the person or not. The child has free choice, but may want to be filial and not go against their parents.”

My father-in-law’s eyes widened and he grinned. “Ah, yes, yes!” Then came a surprising confession. “That’s my marriage.” Continue reading “My Chinese Inlaws’ Not-So-Free Marriage”

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The Chinese Relatives Name Game

More than a week ago, my Chinese mother-in-law spent a whole day helping someone plant their rice paddy. That “someone” turned out to be a relative.

“She was out helping our Jiujiu plant the fields,” my sister-in-law told me at dinner. Jiujiu is the Chinese word for uncles on the mother’s side. But as far as I knew, we only had two uncles on John’s mother’s side — Da Jiujiu and Xiao Jiujiu. Neither of them needed assistance in the fields, especially Xiao Jiujiu who just became our village secretary. How could she possibly help someone called “Jiujiu?”

“Oh, that’s the godfather’s little brother.” Godfather, as in John’s godfather (John needed a godfather because his Chinese zodiac sign, the horse, conflicted with his father’s, the rat).

Then I remembered that, some time ago, my Chinese mother-in-law told me the godfather was a relative — but I’d forgotten how and asked my sister-in-law. “He’s the Gunainai’s son.”

“Gunainai?” I felt as if I was getting tangled in the branches of this family tree. Continue reading “The Chinese Relatives Name Game”

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Ruzhui: When Chinese Men “Marry Into” Wife’s Family

A man falling upside down — Ruzhui -- where Chinese men "marry into" the wife's family and have the child take on her name -- turns Chinese marriage tradition upside down. (photo by Charlie Balch)

Before I even entered his apartment with John, my Chinese husband, I knew O’Neil – a close Chinese friend of John’s from middle school – had marital distress. But I never imagined that – among other things — it would have anything to do with a struggle over the next generation’s name. “At first, her parents demanded ruzhui,” he shared late Friday, May 27, as John and I sat side by side on a sofa in his apartment for one on Hangzhou’s West Side.

I raised an eyebrow at this strange Chinese word. “What’s ruzhui?

“You marry into her family, and your children have her name,” explained O’Neil. Unlike O’Neil, who came from the countryside, his wife was the only child of a proud Hangzhou family – a family that didn’t want their name extinguished in the next generation, just because they happened to have a daughter. It turned Chinese tradition — the woman marrying into her husband’s family and giving her child his name — upside down.

O’Neil documented far greater transgressions in their marriage (the parents bought them a car, but only gave their daughter a key; on an apartment deed, where they were required by law to write their son-in-law’s name and give him a share in the real estate, the parents gave him only one percent of the value). If anything, the suggestion to ruzhui was almost understandable in a Chinese sense – except that the parents hadn’t discussed it with him before the marriage. Continue reading “Ruzhui: When Chinese Men “Marry Into” Wife’s Family”

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Ask the Yangxifu: British Woman with Chinese Husband Lonely in Marriage

The silhouette of a woman sitting on a stool, crying — A British woman, living with her Chinese husband in his isolated village, feels as if she's missing some emotional support and more. (photo by Glenda Otero)

Hainangirl asks:

Im from england and im 25 i have been married for about a year and a half to a chinese guy who is a year older than me. I love him very very much and i trust him with all my heart but i can sometimes feel so frustrated with the way he shows his love. I know its a culture difference and his upbringing as he is from a very small village , and has lived a bit of a sheltered life. Like i read in some of your articles about sex and love i had to teach him. the lack of eduction is also an issue when making big decisions or planning for the future. I hate to feel like im unsatisfied with him but sometimes i need reassurance and comfort. I have found the biggest problem can be him recognising my feelings. He doesnt speak english but im fluent in chinese and i make it very clear how i feel and i try not to critise him as i dont want to affect his confidence. It probably sounds so horrible that im moaning about him. We are very happy together and he compliments me perfectly but sometimes i feel uneasy. I am alone in china and not only am I committing my life to him, but also his family and this island and if you have ever been here you will know that the people here are not used to foreigners and you feel a bit like an alien. I feel i need more emotional support and comfort and reassurance about our future and our plans for a family. How do i get that??? i also wants to know that he is happy with me, he very rarely talks about how he feels and this can sometimes make me insecure? do you have any suggestions that could open him up a little. Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: British Woman with Chinese Husband Lonely in Marriage”

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My Chinese Mother-in-law and the Ring of Compliments

Ring on a finger — When I complimented my Chinese mother-in-law's ring, I ended up with a ring of compliments -- to wear.

“I really like your ring, it’s beautiful.”

I couldn’t believe I had missed this lovely glint of silver on the left ring finger of my Chinese mother-in-law, etched in a black with a flower that seemed to burst with all the brilliance of the star of Bethlehem. That’s why I told her I liked it. I don’t believe in keeping a good compliment to myself.

She smiled, wrinkling the corners of her lips as she took her left hand out of the dishwater in the wok to show it to me up close. “Somebody made it in our village.”

She then told me about this metalworking place in town, where silversmiths can fashion such a ring from raw silver. “Do you want one? I can make one for you.”

Is a compliment really just a compliment to her? I wondered. Continue reading “My Chinese Mother-in-law and the Ring of Compliments”

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Featured in China Daily Article: Western Women, Chinese Men

Western wife and Chinese husband jumping up as they hold hands together — Megan Millward and husband Zhang Lie -- one of the couples of Western women and Chinese men featured in this China Daily article (photo from http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/)

In case you missed it (or, like me, you spent the weekend away — in my case, a wedding in Hangzhou — and are just catching up), the China Daily just published an article titled Western Women, Chinese Men — about the growing trend of marriages between Western women and Chinese men. It features me, as well as fellow bloggers Jo Gan of Life Behind the Wall and Melanie Parsons Gao from The Downtown Diner. Here’s an excerpt from the article with some quotes from me and my husband:

Jocelyn Eikenburg, a 33-year-old American who blogs on speakingofchina.com, had a similar experience [of having the relationship get serious fast] when she first began dating her husband, Jun Yu. “Immediately after we first started dating, he was calling me laopo.” That is Chinese for “wife”.

She was surprised by how quickly the relationship had gone from friend to potential spouse. Her blog focuses on cross-cultural relationships between Chinese men and Western women.

Family can also be another hurdle for many foreign women in relationships with Chinese men.

When Jun told his family about his relationship with Eikenburg, his father did not approve. “He cautioned me about dating a foreign girl and did not want me to get hurt,” Jun says.

His family’s attitude toward their son dating a foreign woman quickly changed when Eikenburg went home with Jun for Chinese New Year. When she showed his father pictures of her family at home, “it really opened him up”, she says. As filial piety is important to Chinese families, Eikenburg says that experience helped break down barriers….

Read the full article here — and if you love it, share it. Thanks!

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One Chinese Woman Fears Marriage

Silhouette of a woman waking up from a nightmare — "I just had a nightmare -- I got married." (photo by Cathy Kaplan)

It’s no secret that women in China worry about getting married. Sometimes it’s because she’s approaching 30 – China’s unofficial expiration date for single women. Sometimes it has to do with parents and relatives raining that “why don’t you have a boyfriend?” question on her over and over again like neverending debris from Chinese New Year fireworks. And sometimes, in the case of my 22-year-old cousin Mei, the problem isn’t age or being a chronic singleton, but marriage itself.

“I don’t really want to get married. I’m afraid!”

Moments before Mei confessed her fear of an institution as integral to Chinese life as chopsticks and rice, I had told her she looked beautiful. Her navy-striped ruffle-trimmed blouse and khaki mini shorts accentuated her lovely Pippi Longstocking freckles, and she had long, creamy legs that could have stopped even high speed trains, perched atop patent leather high heels. If she had told me she had a boyfriend, I would have started teasing her about some imaginary hot date she didn’t have that evening. But she had no boyfriend, and no desire to find one either.

“Everyone around me is getting divorced,” she sighed.

“Who is getting divorced?” Continue reading “One Chinese Woman Fears Marriage”

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Ask the Yangxifu: On the Chinese Mother-in-law

A grandmother chopping a vegetable in the kitchen — When I think of mothers, I think of those Chinese mother-in-law dilemmas readers write me about. (photo by Zelenyak Zoltan)

Programming note: from May 2 until May 13, I’ll be in the process of flying to and then settling down in China for the summer. During this time, I’ll be digging up some classic content from the archives, and sharing it with you in the form of theme-related posts. And don’t worry — I’ll be back on May 16. Promise! 😉

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It’s Mother’s Day this weekend in the US. When I think of mothers, I think of those Chinese mother-in-law dilemmas readers often write me about (and still continue to discuss). So I’ve compiled a couple of my favorite Ask the Yangxifu advice columns about the Chinese mother-in-law:

Building Better Relations with a Chinese Mother-in-law. Is your (future) Chinese mother-in-law giving you the cold shoulder? How can you build a better relationship with her, and be the “model daughter-in-law”, even if you’re not Chinese?

Your Chinese Boyfriend’s Parents Say No? Even though this one is about both parents, I was reminded of how I had a hard time getting my Chinese mother-in-law to warm up to me.

The Troubling Chinese Mother-in-law Relationship. Okay, it’s not an Ask the Yangxifu — but it might as well be since the conversation has attracted a lot of great questions and answers. Thanks so much to my readers for the comments, which have made this post a popular go-to for readers with Chinese mother-in-law headaches.

Happy Mother’s Day!

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Do you have a question about life, dating, marriage and family in China/Chinese culture (or Western culture)? Every Friday, I answer questions on my blog. Send me your question today.

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Ask the Yangxifu: How to Introduce Your White Girlfriend to Your Asian Parents

Instead of my usual Q&A this Friday (nothing to do with April Fools Day, I promise!), I’m steering you over to my latest article on the Asian Man White Woman magazine. If you’re a Chinese guy who just started dating a White girl, well, this one’s for you. It’s called How to Introduce Your White Girlfriend to Your Asian Parents — here’s a snippet:

When I first started dating John, my future Chinese husband, everything seemed as perfect as our first kiss by the lake.

We could have entire conversations with just a glance. Our chemistry was so good that, for weeks, I came to work every morning, beaming from bedroom bliss. And within weeks of getting together, we had taken two romantic dates together, and planned a third trip to Beijing.

So finally, after a little over a month together, John decided to go home and tell his Asian parents all about me. His report?

“My father said I can be friends with you, but not date you.”

Gulp. Not exactly what you’d call, uh, “perfect.”

So if you have a white girlfriend or fiancee, what do you do when your Asian family gets in the way of happily ever after?

To find out, read the full article now. If you like it, share it. And thanks!

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