dating in China | Speaking of China

Ask the Yangxifu: Is Married Chinese Man Worth The Trouble?

Many junctions ahead road sign — A Western woman in a long-distance relationship with a married Chinese man faces a lot of trouble ahead in their relationship. Is it worth it?

White Lotus asks:

i have a long distance relationship with a married chinese man ..he has never been in love with his wife, they married because she was pregnant. He is a great man, a loving father. he wants to marry me after the divorce . I ‘m afraid i’d be a burden for him since it would be hard for me to get a job in China. I’m not a native speaker of English and despite being an English teacher in my country .. i think i won’t be able to get a teaching position ( i don’t have an internationally recognised degree in my cv). i don’t have other skills and i’m just starting to learn chinese.
Sometimes i think i should set his heart free before he gets the divorce and spare him the pain we might inflict to his daughter. He doesn’t earn a lot of money so it would be hard for him to support us while i’m looking for a job. He doens’t live in a big city so i think opportunities will be scarce.
it’s difficult for me cause i love him a lot… he is more confident than me saying that i can do it, that i will be able to find a job ..we have only one shot at love cause it’s taking me half a year to save the moneyi need to fly to china.

What job opportunities are there for me? Should i set his heart free? Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Is Married Chinese Man Worth The Trouble?”

Share/Save

Ask the Yangxifu: Is Chinese Man Forgetting Me After One Night Together?

An old lonesome teddy bear, wet and forgotten — After finally spending a romantic night together, just before she leaves China for good, a woman wonders, is this Chinese man trying to forget me? (photo by Mattox)

Pepper asks:

I would need some advice about someone I care about… I’m a female student, studying abroad in China, and this past year I met fellow Chinese student slightly older than me and from Beijing. We instantly became friends and I had my eyes on him from the very beginning but I’m a very shy person and since we both come from different countries and met in another one I figured out it would be impossible for us to have a long-term relationship, and I didn’t want to cry for months when the time to part comes.

So we have been friends for the entire school year and sometimes I could catch a glimpse of interest from him, we used to look at each other in the eyes for a very long time or smile to each other for no apparent reason… on our last night at the university, when we were saying goodbye, we ended up kissing and he asked to come back to my room – which quite surprised me because he is a quiet and innocent-looking man. I could not think straight and accepted. It was a wonderful moment, but we decided not to take it further than that one night, as it would probably be too painful for both of us to be far away, and we know each other enough to be quite sure it would be very difficult for us to overcome our differences in order to be together.

However, we did agree on staying friends, writing to each other and he insisted on the fact he would keep me updated about where he would choose to study next year. The problem is: it has already been one week, I wrote one email but he isn’t replying. He’s not ignoring me, but isn’t very talkative either. I’m very confused; do you think he might have changed his mind and decided to forget about me ? I know we don’t have a future together but I really care about that person, it would hurt me if he had decided to forget about what has been happening between us or if he had never cared… Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Is Chinese Man Forgetting Me After One Night Together?”

Share/Save

Ask the Yangxifu: Chinese Boyfriend Never Plans Our Dates

Road sign indicating left or right turn is permissible — Her Chinese boyfriend leaves all of the date-night decisions to her, and she's tired of it. How can she get him to care?

MC asks:

I hate the whole “passive Asian man” stereotype because I don’t think it’s always true. For example, my Chinese boyfriend is a Banquet Captain at a hotel, and sometimes his coworkers will call him to ask where something is or how to set up the banquet hall. The way he takes charge and responds shows that he has a leader in him, and it’s a huge turn on when I see him like that. But then when we hang out, I decide everything, from what we do, to where we eat, and even what we eat sometimes. I don’t mind doing it sometimes, because it basically means he’ll go anywhere I want him to without complaining, yet it gets tiring. I feel like it’s the guy’s role to lead and to decide even just where to eat sometimes. I’ve talked to him about it but his thinking is so different than anyone I’ve ever met (though he doesn’t think so). I can see it from his point of view, but he can’t see mine. And I understand his logic. He honestly does not care what we eat. So even if I tried to make him care, his mind would be a blank. If that’s the case, you’d think it’d be easier for me to just choose a place, right? What should I do? Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Chinese Boyfriend Never Plans Our Dates”

Share/Save

Ask the Yangxifu: Chinese Boyfriend Seems Too Chinese To Western Girlfriend

A worried Chinese man — When a Western woman tells her Chinese boyfriend he's "too Chinese," he wonders -- is "too Chinese" unattractive to Western women?

Seborga asks;

my fiance has been together with me for 4 years. she always mentioning that it won’t be possible for her to be together with me if I were too Chinese. Since I have been overseas for 13 years since I was 16, she thinks I have the same wave length of thinking as her. I had few western gfs, and most of them taking “Chineseness” as something very negative. So does that mean thinking and behaving as a total chinese is very unatttractive in the eyes of mainstream western women? Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Chinese Boyfriend Seems Too Chinese To Western Girlfriend”

Share/Save

Ask the Yangxifu: Chinese Boyfriend Thinks I’m Fat

Feet standing on a bathroom scale — A big woman and her Chinese boyfriend plan to go to China -- and all of a sudden, he wants her to lose weight. (photo by Julia Freeman-Woolpert)

Elizabeth asks:

So I’m a really big girl and my boyfriend knew this (obviously) before we started dating. He’s been really open and supportive about everything about me but recently he has wants me to travel to China with him but he also mentioned that he wants me to lose weight. I got upset about it and we argued, which is something we haven’t done been before, and when I asked him why? He said that because when I’m in China, we will be looked down upon because not only am I fat but because I’m with a guy who’s smaller than me.

Being raised in America, yeah there are image issues but really, with the majority being fat, everyone is all about self value and not caring what people think. I know superficial skinny people will just be like, “Lose weight then.” But mostly I’m hurt that he cares what people think about me. It has me thinking, “Why is he dating me if he cares how I look?”

I’ve read that that is the way things are in China and he said something like that too but…We’re not in China and we are going to visit, not live there. I’m also not a miracle worker, I can’t lose as much as he wants, between now and the time he wants to leave.

So this whole topic has me really insecure right now and I don’t even want to be undressed in front of him because I think he thinks I’m unattractive. So, my question for you and everyone is: Is the weight issue truly that big of deal in China and is it worth the insecurity to lose the weight to make him not feel ashamed of me? Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Chinese Boyfriend Thinks I’m Fat”

Share/Save

My Chinese Husband’s Vanity

Close up photograph of makeup products — When my Chinese husband suggested I have my makeup done at a beauty salon -- just for a reunion with his classmates -- I knew the reason: vanity. (photo by Martin Walls)

While in Hangzhou last weekend for a Chinese friend’s wedding, my Chinese husband John took me to a beauty salon on the West side of the city.

I wanted my hair washed and blow dried, just like I had told John days before over the phone. “I can’t seem to wash the oil out of my scalp,” I sighed. Had I chosen the wrong shampoo? Or was it that darned trickle of water from the showerhead at my Chinese inlaws home, which never seemed strong enough for a woman cursed with an oily scalp? I couldn’t tell anymore, but I did know one thing: “I desperately need a good wash.”

When we walked in, I knew we would ask for a good wash, that one must-have service of every beauty salon in China.

Suddenly, as my husband scanned the service list behind the counter, he gave me this funny, admiring smile, a smile that I have come to know over the years. I’ve seen it every time I returned home from the beauty salon to unveil my latest haircut, or whenever I’ve modeled a new piece of clothing or jewelry that John just adored. When he flashed that smile this time, I had a feeling he wouldn’t let this visit go with just a wash and blow-dry. “Why don’t you get some makeup done while you’re here?”

I cocked my head at John. “Makeup?” Continue reading “My Chinese Husband’s Vanity”

Share/Save

Featured in China Daily Article: Western Women, Chinese Men

Western wife and Chinese husband jumping up as they hold hands together — Megan Millward and husband Zhang Lie -- one of the couples of Western women and Chinese men featured in this China Daily article (photo from http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/)

In case you missed it (or, like me, you spent the weekend away — in my case, a wedding in Hangzhou — and are just catching up), the China Daily just published an article titled Western Women, Chinese Men — about the growing trend of marriages between Western women and Chinese men. It features me, as well as fellow bloggers Jo Gan of Life Behind the Wall and Melanie Parsons Gao from The Downtown Diner. Here’s an excerpt from the article with some quotes from me and my husband:

Jocelyn Eikenburg, a 33-year-old American who blogs on speakingofchina.com, had a similar experience [of having the relationship get serious fast] when she first began dating her husband, Jun Yu. “Immediately after we first started dating, he was calling me laopo.” That is Chinese for “wife”.

She was surprised by how quickly the relationship had gone from friend to potential spouse. Her blog focuses on cross-cultural relationships between Chinese men and Western women.

Family can also be another hurdle for many foreign women in relationships with Chinese men.

When Jun told his family about his relationship with Eikenburg, his father did not approve. “He cautioned me about dating a foreign girl and did not want me to get hurt,” Jun says.

His family’s attitude toward their son dating a foreign woman quickly changed when Eikenburg went home with Jun for Chinese New Year. When she showed his father pictures of her family at home, “it really opened him up”, she says. As filial piety is important to Chinese families, Eikenburg says that experience helped break down barriers….

Read the full article here — and if you love it, share it. Thanks!

Share/Save

Ask the Yangxifu: Motherly Chinese Ayi Not So Motherly To New Girlfriend

Two women talking — Her boyfriend considers his ayi like a Chinese mother. But this "Chinese mother," who still works for his ex girlfriend, continues to keep the ex's memory alive and well. What can she do?

Rebecca asks:

I have been dating a man in China for over a year now. He has this ayi. She has been working for him for five years now, and cares for him very much, like a son, and I’ve come to see her as his “Chinese mom.” He says that, aside from me, she is the woman he trusts most in China. I don’t doubt that they have a good relationship.

Then there is the story of how he got this ayi. She was introduced to him by his former girlfriend, a woman he was with for a very long time. The ayi’s main employer is still the former girlfriend. When they broke up, his only request was “I’m keeping the ayi,” and in the year before he met me, the arrangement was peaceful. He and the ex no longer communicate, and he doesn’t ask the ayi for news of the ex.

However, the ex asks the ayi for news of him, especially news of his new girlfriend, myself. Personal info is thus brought back to the ex, and the ayi also tells me things about my boyfriend when he was with the ex. She keeps his past open and alive. The things she says don’t make me feel good, although I really don’t believe she means any harm, and that she likes me. I think the problem is that, no matter how much she likes me and wants him to have somebody to love, she is fiercely loyal to her main employer–the ex-girlfriend–and part of her needs to put me down and reiterate how good they were together, how awesome the ex is, how long they spent together, how he seemed happier before, how they should still be friends, etc. She tells me these stories about the ex as if she is scared the ex will fade from his/our lives if she doesn’t.

I am writing to you because I’m torn about what to do. It’s like dealing with a mother-in-law, Chinese or otherwise, who loves and prefers the ex-girlfriend, although in this case she is, thankfully, NOT his mother and thus we can cut her off if we need to. Me avoiding her is not a solution; she will still talk about us to the ex, and I don’t want that. But how can I tell him, fire this woman who has cared for you for five years? A woman who needs the money? A woman who, when NOT reminiscing about the ex, is actually very kind to me? What do I do? I want the past to stay in the past, and she’s not letting me do that.

Thanks for any help and advice. Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Motherly Chinese Ayi Not So Motherly To New Girlfriend”

Share/Save

One Chinese Woman Fears Marriage

Silhouette of a woman waking up from a nightmare — "I just had a nightmare -- I got married." (photo by Cathy Kaplan)

It’s no secret that women in China worry about getting married. Sometimes it’s because she’s approaching 30 – China’s unofficial expiration date for single women. Sometimes it has to do with parents and relatives raining that “why don’t you have a boyfriend?” question on her over and over again like neverending debris from Chinese New Year fireworks. And sometimes, in the case of my 22-year-old cousin Mei, the problem isn’t age or being a chronic singleton, but marriage itself.

“I don’t really want to get married. I’m afraid!”

Moments before Mei confessed her fear of an institution as integral to Chinese life as chopsticks and rice, I had told her she looked beautiful. Her navy-striped ruffle-trimmed blouse and khaki mini shorts accentuated her lovely Pippi Longstocking freckles, and she had long, creamy legs that could have stopped even high speed trains, perched atop patent leather high heels. If she had told me she had a boyfriend, I would have started teasing her about some imaginary hot date she didn’t have that evening. But she had no boyfriend, and no desire to find one either.

“Everyone around me is getting divorced,” she sighed.

“Who is getting divorced?” Continue reading “One Chinese Woman Fears Marriage”

Share/Save

Ask the Yangxifu: Unlucky in Love in China

A stiletto high heel crushing a rose petal — Friday the 13 -- the perfect time for stories of unfortunate love. (photo by Aleksandra P.)

Programming note: from May 2 until May 13, I’ll be in the process of flying to and then settling down in China for the summer. During this time, I’ll be digging up some classic content from the archives, and sharing it with you in the form of theme-related posts. And don’t worry — I’ll be back on May 16. Promise! 😉

——-

This is Friday the 13th, one of the unluckiest days of the year — a perfect time for tales of star-crossed lovers, and relationship woes, Ask the Yangxifu style:

Cheating With a Married Chinese Man. An American woman clings to an illicit relationship, and wants to believe it could be so much more. Too bad he’s married with children.

When a Chinese Man Buries His Love. There’s nothing worse than when he loves you, but decides he won’t move forward with the relationship. Makes me want to cry over Love in the Time of Cholera one more time.

Can Western Women Love a Communist Military Man? A military man in China would love to date Western women. Only problem? The government forbids it. This has all the makings of a modern-day version of Romeo and Juliet set in China.

——-

Do you have a question about life, dating, marriage and family in China/Chinese culture (or Western culture)? Every Friday, I answer questions on my blog. Send me your question today.

Share/Save