Ask the Yangxifu: Getting a Chinese Foreign Student To Notice You

29 Responses

  1. Sara
    Sara March 18, 2011 at 8:44 am | | Reply

    I think it’s a very good idea to ask him to help you with your Chinese. That’s easy question and also easy for him to answer. And later on while you’re studying you can find out if the wants to be more than just your tutor. Good luck!

  2. ordinary malaysian
    ordinary malaysian March 18, 2011 at 12:15 pm | | Reply

    Mizu, I think Jocelyn has made a correct assessment of the Chinese guy. He is probably not confident of himself, what with his lack of facility with the English language as you have hinted and you a westerner. But start with saying “ni hao” (how are you) and see where it gets you. Of course, give him the best smile of yours! People will normally reponse to a warm, sincere smile. And good luck!

  3. Sarah
    Sarah March 18, 2011 at 1:24 pm | | Reply

    well i was in the exact same position as Mizu with my boyfriend, I had seen him around the college and thought he was really cute and we didn’t have any classes together. So I thought the situation was doomed but one day by chance there was a sports day sign up and I was helping out at the volley ball desk with my friend and the guy i liked walked by our stand and I asked him would you like to join the volley ball team? and he said oh nono sorry. Then after that day me and him kept bumping into each other everywhere in the library, in the canteen and at first we just said a polite hello and how are you and then one day I was brave and asked him would he like to sit with me and have lunch and then we got to know each other and exchanged numbers and eventually he asked me out.

    So I suggest you should join some sort of sports club that perhaps hes in and then try and get to know him that way. Personally I’m a little worried that if you ask him for help with Chinese straight away he will just be freaked out or just think you purely want him to teach you.

  4. Harland
    Harland March 18, 2011 at 1:54 pm | | Reply

    Most Chinese dudes in America are repulsed by white women, who they see as too easy and likely to carry social diseases. White women also have the stigma of reduced fertility, or God forbid refusing to have children at all (any Chinese family’s nightmare). Those Chinese dudes who actually have the stones to ask white women out generally get the cold shoulder. Of course there’s going to be that upper 0.01% of super alpha male Chinese dudes who will do well, you’ll get 1-3 of those per university. But these guys will do well no matter where they are, USA, China, North Korea, etc.

    How to approach the silent Chinese dude? Tough…tough. Get his attention, and then play the crazy foreign girl. Be aggressive and make all the moves a man usually makes in a relationship. He’ll secretly love it but protest that he doesn’t like it. This gives him a plausible excuse to give to friends & family, “I’m a good Chinese boy but look at this crazy foreigner, I can’t tear her off me!” This lets him save face and nobody is the wiser.

  5. Sarah
    Sarah March 18, 2011 at 5:30 pm | | Reply

    I know Mizu doesn’t care that you all think she’s white. But I have to say that neither of us are. (I posted the question to: http://www.speakingofchina.com/ask-the-yangxifu/showing-a-chinese-man-interested/) That being said, do you think that it makes a difference that she is Mexican and I am Native American?

  6. Holly
    Holly March 18, 2011 at 6:19 pm | | Reply

    My friend, Li, (I’m not interested in him though) helped me with my Mandarin a lot during lunch last trimester during school. Chinese guys and Chinese people (from what I noticed) enjoy, or like helping foreigners learn Chinese.
    Mizu, I agree with Jocelyn, ask him for help in Mandarin. He’ll probably be happy to help.

  7. Brian
    Brian March 18, 2011 at 6:37 pm | | Reply

    The Language Barrier is generally a huge issue for Chinese-born Men studying overseas in North America.

    This is not to say that Chinese men are completely shy. When they are surrounded by people of the same nationality who speak the same language, you will see them completely open up. Isn’t it so much easier when you can relate with someone who understands you on a social and cultural level?

    Jocelyn makes an excellent suggestion to go and approach him using the “Mandarin-learning” approach. You can carry it over to school, cell phones, computers, lunch, etc. Sometimes you do have to spell it out for him. A big problem with Asian society is that our decisions tend to be more collectivist than individual (stems from our shame culture). If his friends do not approve of you, it makes things a lot more difficult.

    The key is to be patient. Sometimes it doesn’t work the first time, but that’s because Chinese men tend to make decisions when things are absolutely one-hundred-percent clear. Usually that ends up being in the very analytical mathematic/statistic/science realm. If he does kind of get into the analysis-paralysis, be accomodating. Maybe he just hasn’t experienced having to deal with a situation like this.

  8. 舒国阳
    舒国阳 March 19, 2011 at 4:57 am | | Reply

    在大多数中国男人的心目中,我感觉在选择一个西方女性作为自己的另一半时的问题上都不是很自信!在不考虑太多的因素情况下,其实许多人都希望取一个西方女性作老婆。
    关注你的网站很久了,看着这些不同文化的交织很有意思,希望能有更多的东西跟大家分享!

  9. WhiteGirl
    WhiteGirl March 19, 2011 at 10:44 am | | Reply

    舒国阳:这个”其实许多人都希望取一个西方女性作老婆“我没看过所以我不相信,可是我希望是。

  10. ordinary malaysian
    ordinary malaysian March 19, 2011 at 6:00 pm | | Reply

    WhiteGirl, 必要害怕 what 国阳 said may be true, at least to some of the Chinese guys.

  11. Sarah
    Sarah March 19, 2011 at 6:26 pm | | Reply

    T_T Can’t read your comments.

  12. Brian
    Brian March 19, 2011 at 8:59 pm | | Reply

    @Sarah

    translate.google.com 🙂

  13. Sean
    Sean March 19, 2011 at 10:44 pm | | Reply

    As a Chinese-American male who was born in China and didn’t come over until he’s a teen, I find this post and others’ comments on it really fascinating.

    Harland may be exaggerating a little but I don’t think it’s far from the truth. Speaking for myself, I’ve tried and dated white girls (sorry, there were no good looking Asians around me or they were taken) since high school. I did get a lot of turn downs (but many ended up becoming my good friends) and some successes. I can totally understand how someone who’s a FOB (no disrespect here since I was one myself once) or someone who’s just not determined to date a girl outside of his own ethnicity would feel. Intimidated is a strong word, but it really fits this situation for a lot of Chinese guys.

    Jocelyn’s point was great! I think there were suggestions for you to join sports clubs and meet the guy there. Well, if there is a Chinese student association that’s open for everyone to join, that would be an even better than sports club. Because he’s probably the most open at an environment like that. That’s probably the one place he would find as close to home as possible. Or, if you know one of his friends or one of your friends knows his friends then ask them to introduce him to you. Go out on a group date/activity day and get to know him.

    One of the Sarahs (sorry there are a few of you with that name) wonder if it makes a difference that the girl is not white but hispanic or native American. Well, I’ll tell you that physical attraction is only part of the equation. I have three male cousins. I am dating my lovely white girlfriend, one is dating a hispanic girl (for 7 years), one only wants to date Chinese, and one is not even sure. So, I don’t think it matters. If there is chemistry between the two of you, it will work out fine.

    As with 国阳’s comment, I think it’s partially true. A lot of kids in my generation (the 80’s) who grew up in urban centers with western film, music, and ideologies; our value system is shaped in part by our Chinese traditional culture but also influences from the West. I had friends who would fantasize of dating someone who is white or other ethnicity and from the West. Because to us, we really dread of marrying our moms one day. We are afraid that we would lose our freedom. Trust me, it’s really depressing sometimes just to think about that. A more superficial reason would be that any Chinese guy gets a girl from the West would be seen as a “hero” for the race and gain “face” for the country. My girlfriend and I were in San Fran once and we were getting foot massages after a long walk along the hills at a Chinese operated massage place. When they learned that I was dating my girlfriend, they gave me thumbs up. It was funny.

  14. Henry Yeh
    Henry Yeh March 20, 2011 at 1:35 am | | Reply

    Guys, why are we talking about white girls when Mizu has clearly stated she’s Chicana?

  15. Sarah
    Sarah March 20, 2011 at 1:36 am | | Reply

    @ Brian – You’re mean. 😛

  16. Sarah
    Sarah March 20, 2011 at 1:40 am | | Reply

    @ Sean – Thank you very much for responding to my question about ethnicity. It kind of made me worried that even if he did like me, he might not want to pursue anything with me. ^_^

  17. Mizu
    Mizu March 20, 2011 at 1:58 am | | Reply

    Wow. Thanks everybody for the comments and suggestions! I appreciate them. Where to start, I’ve thought about joing a club, but there is no clubs he is in [ as far as I know] This happened some time ago, I don’t know why I didn’t mention this before, but one day he was looking for a wall plug to charge his Mac but everything was taken, I looked behind me and there were extra plugs, but only a few seats near it, so as shy as I am, I told a friend of mine to tell him if he wanted to sit at our table, and just so we won’t make him uncomfortable, we moved to another table. He agreed and thanked us five times xD That is as much as “interaction” we’ve had. I rarely see him in college, sometimes I see him a lot and sometimes I don’t, so asking him to teach me Madarin or just saying “Hi” to me is kind of hard when he’s not around. And like I’ve said before, he isolates himself with his computer and it makes it much harder to approach him. I know if I was him, minding my own business, I would be confused if a random girl would come by and just said “Hi” and just asked me to teacher her my native language. I will try every suggestion giving to me here when I see the right moment. Thank you guys so much, and Jocelyn for answering my question.

  18. 舒国阳
    舒国阳 March 20, 2011 at 5:20 am | | Reply

    呵呵,兄弟姐妹们太能说了,一个比一个的评论长!~-~!this time i try to say something in my poor English,but i think all of you would know what i mean even there are many mistakes in my expressions!
    @WhiteGirl ,hehe,it seems you can speak Chinese,great!how is your Chinese.as a 24 year-old Chinese man who born and grew up in China,now still live in yichang city , Hubei province ,i think what i think could more or less stand for many youngs’ opinions.many Chinese want to but not do ,just like me~-~!finding a foreign gf is not so easy for all these very ordinary people ,no matter she is white or black or come from Western counties or Asia,it is much more complex than finding one from his onw country!
    哈哈,Sarah,did you get what i mean .~-~,i think you maybe need to learn some Chinese according what you have described,but you have had a very great teacher now~_~.i think this would be a great and interesting topic for a long time in your two future ! i hope you two would be forever happy!
    as for Sean,老兄,你的汉语学得怎么样呀,呵!i almostly agree with what you said ,but something you disbribed is too westernized,for example this sentence”Because to us, we really dread of marrying our moms one day.We are afraid that we would lose our freedom”.that is not why we want to find a western gf or marry one,i think.good luck with you!
    @Mizu,sorry ,as a chinese man i really do not have any good advice for you ,but i think you two would get together!i think there two problems with that luck guy.fistly it is the language barrier,as a authentic Chinese man(`-`) ,i really sometimes do not know what to talk about with a foreigner in English ,this maybe need some time,seconly ,it is maybe that he is really not confident of himself ,maybe you need to help him gain his confidence~-~!by the way ,we chinese almost are very very sensitive to fatness ,almostlywe all like thin girls~-~!good luck with you!

  19. Sean
    Sean March 20, 2011 at 1:39 pm | | Reply

    国阳,

    我想我的中文水平大概是初三左右吧, 毕竟我已经多年没有系统地学习中文。读书看报是绝对没有问题, 只是总是执笔忘字。写论文大概是不行但写评语还可以胜任;总算没有白学十多年的中文。

  20. Sarah
    Sarah March 20, 2011 at 5:14 pm | | Reply

    @ 舒国阳,
    Thank you for your comment. From reading many comments to my question and the ones posted here to mizu’s as well as other Q and A’s on this site, I feel like he does have interest in me. I was thinking that the next time I go I’m going to ask him to help me with something. However, you bring up fatness, and I’m not a skinny girl. I was re-reading the comments here and I didn’t find the comment I was looking for so I think it was on my Q and A, but someone said that Chinese are collective and the opinions of his friend (I’m also assuming family too) is important to him. So I’m kind of thinking of not trying to pursue because, let’s say he does have interest in me, if his family is touchy to the fact that I’m not skinny, will he just turn me away? Still though, I will talk to him and maybe even if nothing happens, I may make a friend out of it. ^_^

  21. Henry Yeh
    Henry Yeh March 20, 2011 at 9:13 pm | | Reply

    Language barrier may not be that much of a problem in the heat of the moment, but it WILL get in the way majorly in the long run. Instead of you learning Chinese, it might be easier for him to master English or Spanish.

    Quizas Olga nos podria dar algunos consejos?

  22. 舒国阳
    舒国阳 March 21, 2011 at 1:34 am | | Reply

    @Sarah
    no,you need not to worry about that ,maybe i mean “overweight”.in china now ,parents usually do not intervene in their sons’marriages too much, usually ,if they like ,their parents like! but things somehow are different for girls. if i want to marry a chinese girl ,firsly i have to ask her parent ‘s permission.if her parent do not like me or not agree with our marriage ,things would be very hard and tough! if we get married without their permisson ,her parent maybe would cut ties with her daughter ,her brother maybe would never talk to her,her relatives would blame her….,i know many cases like this in my life !family and relatives are very important to chinese!

  23. Sarah
    Sarah March 21, 2011 at 3:09 am | | Reply

    @ 舒国阳
    Yeah my family is the, “If you marry the person, you marry the family” type as well. But my mom always tells me that whomever I decide to be with, she will respect my decision (as long as he doesn’t make me cry). Thank you for trying to clarify, I did not misunderstand you. I am overweight, which is why I was surprised that he seemed to pay extra attention to me. I mean, I heard that Asian men prefer thin or slender women opposed to bigger girls. So like I said, when he paid more attention, I began to actually notice him and that’s how I ended up liking him. If he didn’t do that, I would have not given him a second thought thinking only that he was attractive but pointless because it would not go anywhere. Do you know what I mean?

    Again, thank you for always replying to me. I really appreciate it.

  24. 舒国阳
    舒国阳 March 21, 2011 at 7:36 am | | Reply

    @sean
    初三的水平已经很厉害了!我感觉高中大学里学的关于汉语的东西离我们的生活太远了,小毕业对汉语来说我觉得都够了!不过我想你应该很少有机会用汉语跟人说话,呵,感觉你的用词蛮多书面语,很正式的一些用词!但你的表达绝对绝对正确,意思清楚!不知道你用不用QQ,如果有兴趣的话可以加下我的QQ号361499800,呵!
    @sarah
    i am sorry ,i do not really get what you said well,especially these sentences”So like I said, when he paid more attention, I began to actually notice him and that’s how I ended up liking him. If he didn’t do that, I would have not given him a second thought thinking only that he was attractive but pointless because it would not go anywhere”.i can understand every sentense ,but i can not get very clear what you have described ,~-~,sorry! my poor English
    i think you should not take think like”Asian men prefer thin or slender women opposed to bigger girls” as a barrier between you two!if you two really love each other ,that would never be problem!
    呵呵,it seems that is not so good to talk here,~-~,if you are interested ,~-~here is my e-mail address [email protected] or [email protected]!good luck with you!

  25. Grace
    Grace March 22, 2011 at 9:18 am | | Reply

    “Most Chinese dudes in America are repulsed by white women, who they see as too easy and likely to carry social diseases.”

    Nope! Wrong! Scared of white women is more like it….it may be due to perceived lifestyles, but more due to their perception of her family…probably racist and folks like Alexandra Wallace of UCLA simply do not help. Pretty certain that even Asian men thinking of asking a white female on a date dropped the idea after Wallace put her racist rant on youtube!

  26. ZR
    ZR March 24, 2011 at 7:59 pm | | Reply

    Hmm — this is a tricky question. I’m a Chinese American, but can try to see if I can give some perspective. What I generally notice in the US (and now in the UK) in universities is that most of the Chinese-Chinese (by this I mean Chinese born international students) tend to stick to themselves. To be honest, I’m not quite sure why (they’re even a bit cold to me and I look like them!).

    That being said however, I think showing sensitivies to Chinese culture is defn. a very good start. In the UK right now, I am way more attracted to women who are appreciative of both my American and Chinese cultures (though difficult to find as that may be — oddly enough, most Europeans prefer my Chinese side to my American side). However, if you are truely interested in him long term, you have to be yourself. So if that means you are generally a outgoing and confident American woman, then you cannot pretend to be otherwise just to win his affection. He will have to like this about you himself. Maybe the approach would simply just ask him out to coffee in the typical American fashion without any excuses (or just.. hey I want to learn more about your country or something like that). Remember, if he will ever like you, he will have to like your Americaness as well.

  27. Sarah
    Sarah March 25, 2011 at 4:32 am | | Reply

    @ ZR,

    What you say is very true and we agree but we just trying to not scare him away on our first real conversation with him. We’re not trying to be someone who matches him, we just want to make him feel comfortable. I know that if someone from another culture came up to me and treated me different than I am used to, even if the person is very friendly, I would become shy and probably so to the point of really seeming like an introvert and that may make the person talking to me feel unwelcome as well.

  28. Bernard
    Bernard December 8, 2011 at 10:55 am | | Reply

    I’m not sure greeting him with “Ni Hao” such a good idea, especially if he doesn’t know you at all.

    In the west, I often get westerners saying “Ni Hao” or “Ni Hao Ma?” towards Chinese person as a mockery, they often say these in mockery tone too.

    I’m sure you Chinese guy heard this before from some white guy idiots, who make a fun of him for being Chinese.

  29. Sarah
    Sarah December 10, 2011 at 10:27 pm | | Reply

    @Bernard.

    She ended up chickening out anyway but I think what you said is good to know. I think that’s like how people used to come to me and do that wailing thing with their hand over their mouth on and off stopping the airflow. You know, that thing that kids do when they’re playing “Cowboys and Indians”…Well playing the Indians…As if all us Natives go around do that…idk…I think I got off topic.

    Thanks for the advice. ^_^

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