On Cross-Cultural Relationships & Pop Culture References

(photo by Todd Mecklem via Flickr.com)

It was a frigid March evening when John and I went to a local bar downtown to meet up with his professor. The professor invited all of the students taking his course that semester — and their spouses, companions or friends — for a few brews that night. Normally, the freezing temperatures would have easily deterred John and me from venturing out — but it was a sort of “class outing” and the professor, who we had run into on occasion, seemed like a genuinely nice guy. Or so I thought.

But that changed after we walked in and sat down. It wasn’t just that the space reminded me of a bad 1970s basement playroom — from the kelly green walls and tired pool tables to the beat up chairs and couches that looked like someone salvaged them from a garbage bin. It was the conversation that, in its own way, told John and me we weren’t really invited to this party. Continue reading “On Cross-Cultural Relationships & Pop Culture References”

Why I Write Q&A

Along with other contributors for Unsavory Elements, I was interviewed for the site Why I Write. I talk about everything from how I started writing and how I handle writer’s block to my favorite books and what I’m working on. Here’s a snippet:

Why I write
I think I’m like many writers, afflicted with the urge to share my experiences with the world. But for me, writing is a deeply personal endeavor. I began writing first in journals when I was growing up. Journaling was a way for me, a highly sensitive and introverted young girl, to make sense of the world in a safe space. It was through writing that I found strength, hope and – much later – my vocation in life. It’s no wonder then that I still find myself drawn to subjects that I’m personally connected to in one way or another.

I also write because I see the need for a new perspective on a subject, or even the potential to change someone’s perspective.

You’ll find the full Q&A on Why I Write. And if you love it, share it!

P.S.: Thanks to Tom Carter for this opportunity, and also to Susan Blumberg-Kason for already sharing the Q&A online!

Justifying Cross-Cultural Love By Hating On Others?

(photo by Sebastien Wiertz via Flickr.com)

The other day, I was reading an article on chinaSMACK about Men in China taking Vietnamese wives, and noticed one of the translated comments:

My wife is German, blonde hair blue eyed, but I think I’m very ordinary and it was just fate. Actually, I think Western women apart from being a bit more independent-minded, they’re [also] much more virtuous/chaste than Chinese women, are kind-hearted, aren’t vain, are frugal, emphasize love and family on a spiritual level, and these alone totally blow modern Chinese young women away. I’m currently constantly introducing German girlfriends to my brothers [fellow male friends], exhorting them to not seek Chinese women. Oh yeah, Western women don’t demand that you have a house.

While this comment was written by a Chinese man, it echoed the sentiments of certain white Western men I encountered online — men who also justified their decision to date/marry Chinese women (or other Asian women) in a somewhat similar way:

Chinese women on the other hand are beautiful, intelligent, happy, and just plain pleasant to be with. They don’t have the associated  emotional fluctuations Western women have and they are not demanding. They are serious about love and marriage and use common sense…. Single western women cannot compete with Chinese women and you can see it in their faces when you walk happily by with your Chinese girlfriend while they grimace and pretend to not notice.

(NOTE — that’s just one commenter in a thread that overwhelmingly criticizes Western women while commending the virtues of Chinese women. Read at your own risk.)

Honestly, I don’t get it. Continue reading “Justifying Cross-Cultural Love By Hating On Others?”

From the Archives: Love, Money and Practicality

(photo by Rob Jewitt via Flickr.com)

While I’m engaged in some more “practical” pursuits these days (translation: still on deadline and still busy with assignments), my thoughts turned to the practical side of love in China — and inspired this list of entries I pulled from the archives. Enjoy! And I’ll return this Friday with new content.

Marriage in China is Home, Car, Money? Home. Car. Money. I first heard these words strung together — fangzi, chezi, piaozi — around 1am in July 2007, while loitering on the stairs outside a Holiday karaoke bar in Hangzhou with my husband and his friends.

Of Love, Money and An “Unsettled Relationship” With a Chinese Man. When I asked my husband about why he took out a loan to treat me on our first “official date,” the answer — which said a lot about how he viewed love and money — surprised me.

Saying “I love you” with a toilet: of indirect displays of love in Chinese families. In Chinese culture, “I love you” is an unspoken phrase that finds its voice in the sumptuous feasts that fill the dinner table, the hongbao stuffed with crisp, red RMB bills, the boxes of green tea and smoked tofu that friends and relatives forcibly stuff into every last empty corner of your luggage.

South China Morning Post Mentioned My Essay + Unsavory Elements Available for Kindle

I’m on a major deadline again this week and need a break from my regularly scheduled Friday programming. But I still have some share-worthy news, including one that was a definite jīngxǐ (惊喜, pleasant surprise) for me!

First off, the South China Morning Post recently came out with a review of Unsavory Elements. Mark O’Neill, who did the review, happened to single out my essay — titled “Red Couplets” — as one of “the most moving” contributions (along with essays from Kay Bratt and Kaitlin Solimine). Wow.

Here’s what he had to say in the review:

Jocelyn Eikenburg describes courting her Chinese husband. “From the first time I started to love a Chinese man, hiding became part of my life.” This is a rare account from the inside of a relationship that is much less common that that of a western man with a Chinese wife.

For anyone interested in reading the full review from the South China Morning Post, you’re welcome to peruse this PDF version. (Special thanks to Janet Brown, author of many great books including Tone Deaf in Bangkok, for sending me the original review!)

Also, for all of you enthusiastic e-readers, Unsavory Elements is now on sale as a Kindle e-book. So go ahead and download your copy today! And if you do, let me know what you think of my essay.

On Working-Class White Women, Interracial Dating and China

Recently, I’ve been reading this book by Eduardo Bonilla-Silva titled Racism Without Racists: Color-blind Racism & Racial Inequality in Contemporary America. On the chapter regarding white progressives, Silva mentioned the following in his conclusion:

Contrary to those who hold the “commonsense” view on racial matters, racial progressives are more likely to come from working-class backgrounds. Specifically, I found that young, working-class women are more likely than any other segment of the white community to be racially progressive. They were more likely to support…interracial marriage, have close personal relations with minorities in general and blacks in particular…

Elsewhere I have argued that whiteness is “embodied racial power” because “all actors socially regarded as ‘white’…receive systemic privileges just by virtue of wearing the white outfit whereas those regarded as nonwhite are denied those privileges. However, the wages of whiteness are not equally distributed. Poor and working-class whites receive a better deal than their minority brethren, but their material share of the benefits of whiteness is low, as they remain too close to the economic abyss. Hence, white workers have a powerful reason to exhibit more solidarity toward minorities than whites in other classes…

…racially progressive women, one after the other, used their own experiences of discrimination as women as a lens through which to comprehend minorities’ racial oppression. It was also clear that their shared class vulnerability with minorities (such as bad jobs and low wages) was involved in their racial progressiveness and it may even be the reason why they were the most likely subgroup of all the whites in these samples to have dated across the color line…

Continue reading “On Working-Class White Women, Interracial Dating and China”

Tiffany Hawk Interview: Love Me Anyway

Tiffany Hawk, author of "Love Me Anyway"
Tiffany Hawk, author of “Love Me Anyway”

With summer vacation in full swing, for many that means air travel. If you’ve ever spent time on a plane, maybe you’ve wondered about the folks who actually serve you on the plane — the flight attendants. What is it like to be behind that beverage cart asking “Coffee or tea?” And what happens after all the safety demos, meal services, and in-flight duty-free shopping are over?

Former flight attendant Tiffany Hawk offers an insider’s perspective into the business — along with an irresistible coming-of-age story — in her debut novel, Love Me Anyway. The book centers mainly on Emily Cavenaugh, a young twentysomething woman who becomes a flight attendant to escape her humdrum small town and an abusive marriage. But much of the story explores Emily’s torrid affair with Tien, who is quite possibly one of the sexiest Asian romantic leads I’ve ever encountered in fiction. Even his accent makes you want to swoon. Think Antonio Banderas, but Asian. (Humana, humana!)

I recently interviewed Tiffany Hawk about Love Me Anywayand am excited to share that brief conversation with you.

A travel writer and writing coach, Tiffany has written for The New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, NPR, Coast magazine, Sunset, GQ.com, globorati.com, National Geographic Traveler and more. Learn more about Tiffany at her website, where you can also find her blog, and follow her on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Goodreads and Google Plus. Continue reading “Tiffany Hawk Interview: Love Me Anyway”

Why Ignoring Cultural Differences in Cross-Cultural Relationships is Harmful

(photo by Maxx R via Flickr.com)

While reading Laura Banks’ dissertation about interracial relationships with a Chinese partner, something in the conclusion caught my eye:

Each couple has different ways of viewing their own situation. Some address it directly and define the boundaries and what must be done to ensure cultural understanding. For example one couple said; ‘from the outset of our relationship, we have been conscious of intercultural issues and keen to address them by talking then through and explaining to each other what we are thinking.’ Other couples like B…and L…have addressed it in a completely different way and have ‘done something that is very unusual in Chinese-foreign relationships; we have never talked about that I am from a different country especially not in the case of conflicts’ and they feel that ‘many people like to overemphasize the influence of cultural differences.’ The way in which they address the situation is what works for them as a couple and as with many things in life there is no wrong or right way of dealing with it.

Naturally, since I write a blog meant to promote cross-cultural understanding between Chinese-Western couples, it seemed bizarre to just ignore cultural differences in a cross-cultural relationship. But as much as I would love to say that “there is no wrong or right way,” I can’t agree. In fact, the B/L way — essentially, a colorblind approach to interracial/cross-cultural relationships — is harmful. Continue reading “Why Ignoring Cultural Differences in Cross-Cultural Relationships is Harmful”

Highlights from study into mixed relationships/marriages with a Chinese partner

Small porcelain dolls showing a Chinese husband and wife in traditional red clothing
(photo from rickz Flickr)

Many of you might remember about a year ago, when I posted an ad: UK Chinese Studies Student Seeks Chinese/Non-Chinese Couples for Dissertation Survey. Some of you participated in her survey, including myself. Ultimately, she surveyed 33 couples in her research, 18 with a Chinese female partner and 15 with a Chinese male partner.

Laura Banks just successfully defended her dissertation a few weeks ago and sent me a copy. I’m excerpting the abstract and quoting some of her findings, which you can scroll down to read.

In addition, some of you who participated asked Laura for a copy of the dissertation. I’ll be glad to send a copy to anyone who e-mails me (jocelyn (at) speakingofchina.com), with the understanding that the dissertation is meant for your personal use only and not to be posted publicly online.

And now, onto the highlights… Continue reading “Highlights from study into mixed relationships/marriages with a Chinese partner”

On Chinese Parents “Enjoying the Benefits” of Their Children

(photo by Jason via Flickr.com)

“Your parents raised you up to such a big age, and they still haven’t enjoyed the benefits of having you.” That’s what the mother of one of my husband John’s best friends said to him a few years back. By then, John was already over 30 by then (30 is an age where, according to the saying that comes from Confucian ideals, a man should stand on his own feet and earn a living) and still a graduate student — meaning, no job, no owned apartment and not much money — with no children.

“Didn’t you feel invalidated when she said that?” I asked John the other day.

He giggled, but even still I sensed the anxiety hidden within his laughter. “Of course! But I also understand her. Her view in fact is very traditional.” Continue reading “On Chinese Parents “Enjoying the Benefits” of Their Children”