Advice to help you understand your Chinese boyfriend. Stories about finding and falling in love with a Chinese boyfriend. All from one Western woman with a Chinese husband.
I’m taking a break from posting from May 28 until June 8. But in the meantime, I’m sharing some of my classic content — which might either be new to you, or just a great read worth revisiting. Either way, hope you enjoy these, and I’ll see you June 11. 😉
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It’s Memorial Day in the US, a time when we remember those who serve or have served in the military. But the word “memorial” itself immediately made me think of those loves of the past — a love that changed us, or a love that we might bury deep in our hearts, never to be forgotten.
So I’ve dug into the archives to share a few posts about loves we remember — from my own personal stories to those of Chinese men and Western women across the world.
The Sands, and Teahouses, of Time. When love bubbled over with my first Chinese boyfriend in his favorite Taiwanese teahouse, I tried to hold on to that sweetness of what we had through this place he left behind.
I am a foreigner and have been living in China for over three years now. I have gone through several boyfriends and relationships, all in varying degrees of intensity and situations. But each one shared something in common. Each one was a Westerner. I have always had a dislike for Asian men.
A couple months ago I met a young Chinese man that changed all that. From the first time I met him I was strangely attracted to him. As he was one of my students I met him regularly and got to know all about him through our many classes on an intermediate English level. Since this was a class of all young men, they often liked to talk about relationships, girlfriends, dating, etc. I thought I understood Chinese, but I never saw this side of China before. The more I got to know him the more I felt this “strange attraction” to this young Chinese man. He was strong, manly, assertive in an attractive sort of way, had opinions, was smart, etc. Suddenly I felt myself looking around and thinking, “There are so many handsome men here!” There arose in me feelings towards Chinese men I had never before experienced. I suddenly thought they were handsome, sexy and attractive. I began researching on the internet and found your blog and read about other women’s experiences.
Since that class ended I’ve been getting to know this young man. We spend time together every weekend. He’s always very cordial, offers to take my purse, pays for meals out, drinks, go to a park and spend hours talking together, etc. and I feel so comfortable talking, laughing and spending time with him. Originally our contact began for him to improve his English and I my Chinese, but I don’t know the real reason really. He has a girlfriend, who lives in another city and he often complains about her and about Chinese girls in general and some of their customs, (ie. making their boyfriend shop all day with them, carry their purse, throwing fits, etc.). In these ways, I, as a westerner, am very different from Chinese girls and I feel like he really enjoys my company and he always says we are friends.
My question is this, “Am I wasting my time? Is there any sort of future (as in gf/bf) or might he have feelings for me?” I have read about taking it slow and the oft’ times painfully dragged out process that can be with an Asian man, but I’m wondering if it would do any harm to at least be honest with him about this. Would it hurt for me to ask him if he likes me or if he wants to date a Western girl (me)? I just don’t know if it’s him being shy or that he thinks I would never be attracted to him in that way that makes it stall or if he truly just wants us to be “friends”. In my culture I would just be upfront about this with a guy, but I’m afraid of offending him or having him say something just to “please me” since Chinese have a hard time with being upfront about their personal feelings. I’m very new to this and dating any sort of Asians in general so please help me with your advice. Thank you!Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: The Guy Who Changed Her Mind About Dating Chinese Men”
I have been dating my Chinese boyfriend for more than 5 years. We met in the West and he lives and works in my country and became a citizen of my country. He is however a childhood immigrant. His family is very traditional, I think. I have never met them. They live elsewhere and do not know I exist. He goes to China every year to visit his family, is the oldest son, and his family still believes in arranged marriages. We broke up once because they found him a woman to marry. I love him and thought I could continue to deal with this, that I was bigger than this ridiculous situation. But, as time drags on it becomes more difficult for me to tolerate. We had come to an agreement that I would obtain a doctorate and that would make me as close to worthy enough to tell his family about. I graduate this year and he has backed out of the deal. I am more disappointed than I can express. I feel like a mistress, to be hid forever. He went to China last week to visit his family and turned his phone off. I never call him when he goes to China or visits his family but with his phone off I couldn’t even contact him in an emergency. We live together, what if something happened to the house. He said it was because he didn’t want his phone to make accidental international phone calls but, really? That has never happened before and I doubt his veracity on the reason. It seems the closer I get to finishing the goal he decided would end the hiding, the more thoughtless things he does. But, he swears he doesn’t want to end our relationship and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I have a wedding dress because we were going to get married this year, it mocks me from the closet. It feels like he panics when he is afraid of getting caught and does or says hurtful things out of a knee jerk reaction but expects me to understand his cultural needs but ignores mine. Is this a Chinese thing or a him thing?Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: 5+ Years of Dating & Still Haven’t Met His Family”
Twelve years after she first met her Asian high school crush, Rebekah never imaged she would finally get her chance at love with him — including a kiss that, as she put it, was 12 years in the making. She originally published her story on her blog, and kindly gave me permission to edit and reprint it here.
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We first “met” in high school, way back in 1994. He was a senior, I was a freshman. From what I can remember, I just loved him the instant I saw him. The big movie at that time was The Crow, Brandon Lee’s last movie (which, coincidentally was my first Asian guy crush). Imagine my surprise meeting this adorable Asian guy at school, with long hair past his shoulders and a gorgeous smile, the kind that just lights up the room. I always saw him either outside of the lunchroom or in the music room. It is so funny for me to tell this now. At age 14 I was the girl who was so shy, I could barely make eye contact with a boy. I remember actually making eye contact with him once, and I could feel my face burning. He remembers this too, and he recalls not only me turning bright red, but “cutely” covering my face with my hand before looking away. I knew I could never talk to him because I was way too shy. So off he went to college and I never thought I would see him again. Continue reading “Double Happiness: A Kiss 12 Years in the Making”
Forbidden. That’s what someone once called my writing back in 2004 when I started sharing my relationships with Chinese men. It’s not as if I put some adult-store-version of my life out there, complete with salacious descriptions that would have everyone heading for a cold shower. Sex never even came up.
No, I just happened to write about my former Chinese boyfriends.
I broke with Chinese tradition, where you keep your past loves buried away in your heart (to be sure, I never used their actual names and changed some of their details, though everything I shared was essentially true). That comment shook me then — I never realized I crossed a cultural line in my writing. If my old files from that time are any measure — I steered clear of intimate topics for years — the comment impacted me in ways I didn’t even realize. Continue reading “Why I Write About “Forbidden” Love in China”
It's the 2012 list of China blogs by Western women who love Chinese men
It’s March and just days from International Women’s Day — time for an update to my list of blogs by Western women who love Chinese men.
Last year, I had over 30 on my list. This year, it’s over 40. I’m psyched to see the growing number of voices in the community. I also decided to take a stab at grouping the blogs this year — authors, let me know what you think.
This is the longest story I’ve ever published in my Double Happiness series. But Mayte’s unexpected journey towards China and love really touched me, and I’m really excited to share her story of two different, surprising and beautiful relationships with Chinese men.
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I came to China to enjoy my dream trip. But before I arrived, I met and fell in love with a Chinese man who was by far the most amazing person I had ever met.
It began as a language exchange so that I could improve my Chinese enough to get through a backpacking trip I had planned in China. I wasn’t looking for any relationship at the time but as I prepared for the trip, it made sense to start working on learning Mandarin if I was going off on my own for the latter half. I met C.J. when he responded to a post asking for a language exchange. We talked briefly by phone before meeting and the day I met him, I thought he seemed sweet. When we talked, it was like talking to your best friend after not seeing them for years. We laughed a lot and shared lots of stories. He told me about China and I told him about life in the States, among other things. We closed down a cafe and a bar while we talked that night.
The Chinese pop duo Yu Quan, 羽泉 (photo from baidu.com)
On our first official date together, John happened to slip a CD in my portable CD player, Lěngkù Dàodǐ by Yu Quan. I gave him one of the earbuds, turned the CD player on, and we listened to it all the way to the vegetarian restaurant. I’ll never forget how I felt the moment Cǎihóng, or Rainbow, came on, a song in Chinese that described the ultimate love as more gorgeous than a rainbow. Much of their music captured the kind of innocence and beauty that surrounded my love with John, and I couldn’t help but wonder if he even chose that CD on purpose. Let’s just say this: by the time John and I arrived at that restaurant, I already fell in love twice — with him and this new musical group. Continue reading “The Story of Our Chinese Love Song, Cǎihóng by Yu Quan”
I am a white 19YO university student living in America, and for one year now I have been in a serious relationship with a PRC national six years older than me. I was already studying Mandarin before I met him and his English is commendable, so communication hasn’t been an issue, and therefore everything between us on a personal level has been ideal. We both feel completely comfortable talking about the future, already assuming we’re working toward marriage after graduation.
However, my parents are none too pleased. They remained generally quiet for the first six months of dating, then all of a sudden began voicing protests. I do my best to ignore their complaints about his age and religion (we’re Christian, he was raised Buddhist), but there is one problem that really puts me between a rock and a hard place.
My father’s job requires him to have a high-level security clearance. Because of this, my parents understandably fear that were I to marry my “Communist” Chinese boyfriend, my father would be forced to quit his job. Even though my boyfriend is not a CCP member, his nationality is all that matters in the clearance. Every time I go home or open an email, I am reminded that I am ruining my family with attacks like:
Kristen, a white Christian girl from America, never thought she’d marry someone different from her. But then she met a Christian man from China on a road trip, a man who would bring her unexpected love and blessings.
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I always wanted to end up with someone different from me, but would that ever actually happen? I was pretty cynical.
Instead, I pictured myself ending up with someone who, like me, had grown up in small town New Hampshire his whole life. The people I met at college were all basically male versions of myself: native New Hampshirites of French and Irish heritage. That’s when I decided to make a voyage to Italy to study abroad — and, perhaps, meet someone there.
At the same time, life seemed to be taking me to the Midwest. I found myself on my way to St. Louis, Missouri for a large Intervarsity Christian conference called Urbana. Of course, sitting beside me in our van was this random guy from China, who I ended up talking to about my plans to travel to Italy, as well as everything else we could think to share with each other. Conversation flowed easily despite my shyness and his imperfect English. I never mentioned the part about finding my man in Italy, but I was secretly hoping that this guy wasn’t developing feelings for me. Continue reading “Double Happiness: A Chinese-American Christian Love Story”
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