Chinese boyfriend | Speaking of China

On Dating Chinese Men — Or Why You Shouldn’t Judge After Only One Date

It always amazes me when people judge an entire population of people based on just one date alone. But people do it all the time — including the author of this blog post.

To be fair, I give her credit for going on a date with a Chinese man. There are many women who go to China and won’t even try — women who have already made up their minds perhaps even before they’ve set foot in the Middle Kingdom. So, definitely, kudos to her.

I don’t even mind that her account of that date is largely negative and unflattering towards Chinese men. She has every right to share what happened and voice her own opinions.

What does bother me, however, is how she presents the information. Continue reading “On Dating Chinese Men — Or Why You Shouldn’t Judge After Only One Date”

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Double Happiness: “He Calls Me ‘Guapa'” — A Chinese-Spanish Love Story

A Chinese guy and Spanish girl in love -- Tony from China, and Laura from Spain — Tony, from China, and Laura, from Spain.

Guapa means good-looking or handsome in Spanish. It’s also a lovely word to start off a story about an equally lovely couple — Laura, from Spain, and Tony, from China.

Thanks to Laura for sharing this story, and the photographs.

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Tony calls me cariño (dear), sometimes guapa (good-looking), and other times Lauritina. It is really wonderful to have someone who calls you guapa when you get home.

We met in a Suzhou Starbucks, while I was having a coffee with a friend and he was chilling out after a meeting in Suzhou.

He came over the table and he introduced himself. He wanted to practice his English and our table was the most suitable one for that purpose. We talked for some minutes and when we told him we actually speak Spanish, he took out a book from his bag, I couldn’t believe it, he bought a book to learn Spanish the same day we met. Well, that must mean something, I thought. Continue reading “Double Happiness: “He Calls Me ‘Guapa’” — A Chinese-Spanish Love Story”

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On My Negative Dating Experiences With Chinese Men, and Why I Still Kept Smiling About China’s “Dating Scene”

Jocelyn Eikenburg, smiling in a windswept — The winds (of China’s dating scene) didn’t always blow my way, but I still remained smiling, despite all my own negative experiences w/ Chinese men.

A few years ago, I remember stumbling across a post that linked back to me on the now defunct Shlaowai blog (which billed itself as “Shanghai Uncensored”). The post, written by one of their white female writers, was titled, “So, What’s the Dating Scene Like?” I can’t share any quotes from the post — unfortunately, the blog’s creators blocked archiving of their material, which means you can’t even dig up their original content through the Wayback Machine. Still, given that the post featured the infamous photo of a shorter Long Duk Dong with his head buried in the bosom of a taller white girl, you can guess what the author had to say about “the dating scene” in China.

I can’t recall her exact wording when she referenced my site, but I remember how I felt. That I somehow couldn’t be trusted to understand her experience. After all, I crossed the line she somehow drew there in Shanghai by dating and marrying a Chinese (and then daring to write something positive about it).

You might wonder, why do I even care about an obscure post from years back on a now-defunct blog? It’s because I’ve increasingly encountered a similar perspective in e-mails from some readers — e-mails that ask, in a suspect tone, why I’m not writing enough negative things about dating Chinese men? Continue reading “On My Negative Dating Experiences With Chinese Men, and Why I Still Kept Smiling About China’s “Dating Scene””

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Double Happiness: A Brief, But Beautiful, Spanish-Chinese Romance

A girl leaning over a railing overlooking a river, with a sad expression on her face. — (photo by Michael Dorokhov, via his Flickr stream)

When Lauren submitted to me, she wrote, “I’m writing to share my story with a Chinese boy, although not all fairy tales have a happy ending.”

Even though I call this series “Double Happiness,” sometimes that happiness doesn’t last forever. Lauren’s story reminded me of the joys I experience with past loves, if only for a short time. Sometimes it’s good to remember.

Thanks for sharing your memories, Lauren. Continue reading “Double Happiness: A Brief, But Beautiful, Spanish-Chinese Romance”

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Ask the Yangxifu: My Chinese Boyfriend Doesn’t Express His Feeings

Put your feelings on hold — (Photo by Andrew Enright)

Aili asks:

I am currently dating a student from China and while its almost been 6 months of dating, I’m curious about one thing and was hoping to get some advice from a married women. I’m pretty well versed in the chinese concept of hanxu (subtlety) and while my boyfriend tells me he loves me, he really doesn’t say much else in the way of expressing his feelings, I mean knowing he loves me is great but it really doesn’t go beyond that generic phrase. Have you or are you encountering that in your relationship now? And if so how do you deal with it, is it something that can be worked on? Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: My Chinese Boyfriend Doesn’t Express His Feeings”

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On Shopping With My Husband, And The Parka That Got Away

A recent cold front turned my thoughts to the winter jacket I needed replacing this year, and ended up turning us towards the closest shopping mall to eyeball a few just-arrived winter jackets. I admired the colors — plum, tangerine, teal, and ivory. At least, before I turned the price tags over.

“Aiya,” I said to my husband at a whisper, still reeling from some serious sticker-shock. “And they said this was a sale?”

But John just smiled. “Do you like any of them?” He sounded like a guy ready to whip out his platinum credit card for me — that any price was still a good price to him.

I shook my head. “Too expensive, we should just wait until the after-Christmas sales.”

“But you need a new jacket,” he said. He smiled again, as if to say, go ahead, look around, I have an undisclosed bank account I’m about to tell you about.

My pragmatic side didn’t even notice. “No, I’ll survive without it, my zipper still isn’t totally broken yet.”

I linked my arm with John’s arm and pulled him towards the door. I could have sworn I saw him taking one last, longing glance at the plum-colored parka I loved only moments before.

“You really wanted to buy me that jacket, didn’t you?” I asked him the following day.

He grinned and leaned back in his chair. “Sure, I just want to take care of you.” Then he met my glance and added, “It’s my responsibility.”

I’ve called John “husband” for years, but I still can’t get over the way he loves to take me shopping — and shower me with only the best (even if we end up leaving the place empty-handed). Continue reading “On Shopping With My Husband, And The Parka That Got Away”

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Ask the Yangxifu: Chinese Parents Refuse to Meet Me

A dejected person seen through a dark keyhole — (photo by Truthout.org)

L asks:

I have been dating my Chinese boyfriend for several years now, and we want to get married. He has met my parents and they love him but his parents still refuse to meet me. My boyfriend made it clear to his parents that I’m the one, but they just don’t want to have anything to do with me. They have never even talked to me! They keep giving his number to random girls that they approve of! I once went over to his parents house with him, I had prepared a basket full of delicious food, and they just refused to let me in. My boyfriend hardly talks to his parents anymore and insist that it’s not a problem and that it’s their loss. But I wish there was something I could do. Any suggestions? Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Chinese Parents Refuse to Meet Me”

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A Story of Sexism, Chinese Men and Who Should Wash the Dishes

Washing the dishes — (photo by peapod labs)

“Washing dishes? That’s women’s work.”

That’s how Yao, my first Chinese boyfriend, ended one late Saturday night dinner at his apartment.

Up until that moment, he romanced me the entire day like any real gentleman — from running to the hospital for my medicine, to regaling me with a delicious homemade dinner of fried rice. All afternoon he told me to rest, relax, take it easy — I still felt exhausted from my recent illness, and had only just regained my appetite. Didn’t anyone ever tell him that sexist slurs are hard for girlfriends to swallow?

“What do mean, ‘women’s work?’ Are you telling me you won’t do the dishes, ever?” I asked.

“It’s not my job.”

I glowered at him. “So who’s going to do the dishes then?”

“Just leave them for my mom,” he said. He immediately jumped up from his seat and wandered over to the bedroom to start watching Saturday night football games.

How could he say that? Didn’t he realize he was dating a feminist who grew up in a household where both mom and dad were breadwinners, and didn’t believe in things like “women’s work”? I wrestled with these, and many more, questions about the man I was dating, and the future we might face ahead of us. But never, ever did I hold the one thought that all too often gets slapped on a guy like Yao — that he was just another sexist Chinese man I should never have dated in the first place. Continue reading “A Story of Sexism, Chinese Men and Who Should Wash the Dishes”

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I Never Intended To Marry a Chinese Man

“Did you always want to marry an Asian guy?” That’s what a friend of mine asked me the other night, a question that surprised me.

It’s not that I didn’t know what to say. “No, I never really even thought about it until going to China,” I told her. Then I landed in Zhengzhou, and met a super-sexy, sullen James Dean of a guy who just happened to be Chinese. And while I didn’t end up marrying him, he opened my eyes to a new reality — that I could find love with a Chinese man — that eventually led me to John.

Maybe her words shocked me because yellow fever, Asian fetishes — whatever you want to call it — just never entered into my own equation, and I know I’m not alone. Continue reading “I Never Intended To Marry a Chinese Man”

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Ask the Yangxifu: How Do I Explain Goth To My Boyfriend?

A girl wearing a black hoodie with white skulls on it. — (photo by Laura Mountford)

Miskatonic asks:

I’m in a fairly new relationship myself with a nice grad student from China. I’m kind of at a loss as to how I should explain what Goth is to someone who doesn’t have many points of reference for Western culture in general. My clothing style is so subtle I can pass for normal most of the time, but the same cannot be said of my house. He’s going to want to come over to my place at some point and I’m going to have to explain why there’s bats and skulls and spiders on everything. He’s going to think I’m nuts. Help! Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: How Do I Explain Goth To My Boyfriend?”

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