Ask the Yangxifu: Chinese Parents Refuse to Meet Me

A dejected person seen through a dark keyhole
(photo by


I have been dating my Chinese boyfriend for several years now, and we want to get married. He has met my parents and they love him but his parents still refuse to meet me. My boyfriend made it clear to his parents that I’m the one, but they just don’t want to have anything to do with me. They have never even talked to me! They keep giving his number to random girls that they approve of! I once went over to his parents house with him, I had prepared a basket full of delicious food, and they just refused to let me in. My boyfriend hardly talks to his parents anymore and insist that it’s not a problem and that it’s their loss. But I wish there was something I could do. Any suggestions?

As my husband might say, not really.

It’s hard for me to suggest anything to you when your boyfriend seems unable to do anything himself. Most of the time, I tell people in situations like this to work through their boyfriend/girlfriend or trusted family members. But he’s not really talking to his parents, and he even appears to have written the situation off by labeling it “their loss.” Given that most Chinese value their relationship with their family — and especially with their parents — I’m stunned by his defiance.

But then again, I see his defiance as a plus for you. Sometimes, when the family says “no” to a girlfriend, the guy will follow in suit and break up with her (that actually happened to me). Your guy, however, doesn’t care what his parents think and will even risk a rocky relationship with them to stay with you, and eventually marry you. Clearly, he’s not going anywhere.

That doesn’t mean the stalemate with his parents will last. Consider what happened in this one Chinese family when the kids defied their parents in marriage:

Initially, I hesitated because dating a Western woman would upset my folks. I guess I wasn’t alone because all of us — me, my older brother and my younger sister — said we would never marry someone white.

When my brother later announced his marriage to his white fiancee, my parents were so upset that they did not even attend the wedding. Neither did my sister, so I went to his wedding on my own. I guess my sister learned the meaning of “never say never” when she ended up dating and marrying a white man, much to my parents’ dismay. In both cases, my parents eventually came around and accepted these marriages, but it didn’t come easy.

So then again, maybe you can do something to change their minds after all: just marry him, live your lives, and watch what happens.

What advice do you have for L?


Do you have a question about life, dating, marriage and family in China/Chinese culture (or Western culture)? Send me yours today.

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46 Replies to “Ask the Yangxifu: Chinese Parents Refuse to Meet Me”

  1. I don’t know if you’ll hate or like my advice, but give it time. There might be a chance they’ll agree to meet you, or maybe not. From reading Jocelyn’s blog, there were times when parents became friendlier to the foreign woman; through grandchildren or maybe marriage? Good luck and be strong!

  2. its probably happening in states, since his parents seem have some sort of racial problems, either they aren’t his real parents, or they are probably living in outside of China.. since most happening in China now is that more russian ladies married chinese men …. not much but comparing with other white females, russians took larger ratios, its quite Odd once you walking around in street of Beijing, more white females speaking more european languages rather than english….
    the best advice is that your BF needs grow up some balls if he is a man… lol.

  3. We don’t know the exact circumstances. Maybe the parents have given up a lot for their son and want him to obey them. A safer bet is to find a Chinese girl who can also understand the parents when they age. Simply label them a certain way is not going to help. I won’t just side with L either. I don’t know if you are the type their parents don’t approve of. You want to find out why. Their son has such a reaction is because of generational gap? Maybe his parents are just ignorant too. Keep trying would probably be better. Learn the culture and language. Try to show you are serious about their son and appreciate what they do. Maybe the son has lost interests in the Asian culture too? Encourage to break off is the last resort. Most Asian parents cannot win in this either. Suppose you have child someday, the whole equation might change. You will have to deal with other problems.
    I don’t think a Chinese person can really break off from the family. He would probably regret it later if you are the reason. You must be really sure you like their son and can stand the rocky road ahead.

  4. Very little infor to go on to form a definitive picture of what is actually happening and why the bf’s family does not want to meet you. If it is because your bf’s family is not accepting of IR marriage, time and circumstance may yet change everything. If the both of you are truly in love with each other and will stand by each other no matter what, I say go ahead, get married. With a child your your own, who knows? His parents may be eager to see their grandchild. Stay positive. And like askdsk said, maybe learn to speak a little Chinese at least and familiarise yourself with their culture. Being able to speak another’s language will always bring two people together.

  5. I wish both of you well (Chinese man and Western woman). Stay strong and be positive. I know in my small town in America that many years ago interracial marriages between Blacks and Whites were prohibited by law and even after its abolition, interracial marriages were still uncommon. But now tere have been more and more interracial marriages between Blacks and Whites. Even though there are few Asians in my town, I have seen interracial marriages between Asian women and White men (but none between Asian men and White women — at least not yet) in my town. Now in my small town, no one looks in either dismay or with disdain upon those mixed race couples. So, I guess time will likely change things like it has in my town. I believe that the Chinese parents will likely change and will accept the Western girl eventually especially after having children. They will want to see their grandchildren. My advice to you both is to remain together forever in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer because love conquers all.

  6. Reading his parents, their reaction probably would be even worse if you were Vietnamese or Japanese! So I think it has to do with culture and nothing to do with race!

  7. Hey All,

    This is Manny again. I trust that you all have read and enjoyed my account of my trip to H.K. and Shenzhen. I promised you all that I will write about 5 topics and I completed 1 through 4 inclusive. Well, I am now writing about my final account of my trip to and fro H.K. China. This is my last and final account: topic # 5 (My Last Attempt to Pick-up on a Chinese Girl in China).

    As you all know, I have an excessive compulsive desire to have a Chinese girlfriend. So, while in H.K. I took the occasion to try to get one of those goddesses and if you all recall, I was unsuccessful in my prior attempt at the H.K. Tourism Office branch at the Star Ferry Terminal on the Kowloon side. I knew that time was running as I was only there for 2 weeks. I and my family had arrived on a Sunday night and now almost two weeks have passed. We are now on a Friday, the day before I have to board the plane on Saturday to return to the U.S. I enjoyed my tour with my family. I had seen many places: Victoria Peak (top of the mountain with a panoramic view from the H.K. side where I can see the Kowloon side); Stanley Market and the beach (great place to shop and eat); Mong Kok and Temple Street (open night market with many interesting products); Lantau Island (Big Buddha); Central District (beautiful buildings); SoHo (modern restaurants and bars); Shenzhen (tasty food and much cheaper than Hong Kong); Macau (gambling and great buffet); etc. There was one place that I had not seen which the tour guide told us was interesting. It was “Discovery Bay” on Lantua Island. This is where I made my last and final attempt to pick up on a real Chinese girl. Why “Discovery Bay”? Well, as you all know, I do not speak Mandarin or Cantonese and thus I had to find a Chinese girl who could speak fluent enough English so that I can woo her. All of the local girls that I encountered could either not speak English or only superficial English which was insufficient to communicate. Remember, communication is key to success. According to the tour guide, “Discovery Bay” has a lot of expats many of whom are Chinese by ethnicity. Some are likely to be Chinese-Americans who can speak English fluently. Discovery Bay has bars and night clubs and a great night life according to the tour guide. So, at the end of our trip on Friday afternoon, my family and I were tired and were preparing to return to the U.S. the next day.

    I still wanted to make one last attempt at picking up on a Chinese girl and so I wanted to go to Discovery Bay. I told my parents and sisters that I will be going out tonight to Discovery Bay, and if they wanted to come along they can do so. In my heart, I actually did not want any of them to come with me as I did not want to worry about anyone else while I was picking up on a girl. I generally do not feel comfortable with family members near me when I am trying to pick-up on a girl. My parents did not want to go as they were tired and wanted to prepare their luggage for the next day’s departure. Perfect, I said. Without my parents near me, I can now act more freely and be a little mischievous if I wanted to do so. My younger sister Susan was also tired and did not want to go. Even better, I said. I then looked at my other sister Pamela and she said that “I want to go with you.” My heart sank at this moment, because my sister could end up ruining my chances of a pick-up if she is near me because the Chinese girls may thing that Pamela is my wife or girlfriend and then will avoid me like the plague. I tried to see if she really wanted to go or not by asking her: are you not tired? Don’t you want a good night sleep because I may be coming back to the hotel rather late? She said: no, because she wanted to hang out with her cool older brother. I said facetiously: great. I thought to myself: oh no, she will be a “cock-block,” an obstacle and a distraction. Reluctantly I took her with me. After an early dinner near my hotel in Tsim Sha Tsui. My parents and my younger sister Susan went back to the hotel room. My other sister Pamela and I returned to the hotel room to change into night club clothes. She again wore a low cut dress with arms, legs and upper back exposed enough to attract a lot of attention from the men. We boarded the MTR system from Tsim Sha Tsui to Lantau Island. En route to Lantau Island, I said to myself: maybe having Pamela with me would be an asset as she could help me by talking to some of those Chinese girls and then introduce me to them? May be it is a blessing to have her with me. So, I was then happy to have my sister with me. After arriving on the Lantau Island side, we exited was near Disneyland. We alighted from the MTR train and subsequently boarded a bus which took us to Discovery Bay. The time was now around 6:00 p.m. with still sunlight. The sun was beginning to set and I could sense the romance in the air on a Friday night. If only I had one of those Chinese goddesses with me to share the beautiful sunset with instead of having my younger sister with me, my trip would be declared a success.

    Discovery Bay is worth describing as it is nestled on the south side of H.K. Just when I was beginning to be accustomed to being around the Chinese majority in H.K., Discovery Bay was the opposite where the majority is comprised of foreigners and not Chinese. In the U.S. I was used to being around the majority White folks. When I arrived in H.K. it felt alien to me because the majority was Chinese and I was not used to seeing the Chinese in the majority. However, no sooner had I begun to accept being around the Chinese majority, Discovery Bay would turn my senses upside down. Now I could not believe that being China, the majority here in this area called Discovery Bay was not occupied by the Chinese but by foreigners. The foreigners there are comprised of 2 big groups: 1) Westerners (Americans, British, French, Australians, Canadians and other Europeans), and 2) Filipinas who are predominantly maids and care-givers. The minority is the Chinese people who are policemen, shopkeepers, waiters/waitresses, etc. plus a few other minorities such as Indians and the occasional Africans. Discovery Bay is definitely a bay. It has one supermarket only, one 7-11 store, and a rotunda shopping center without a dome with perhaps 20-30 specialty stores and bars/restaurants. There are some restaurants with an open patio facing the serene ocean. There are only 2 ways to go there: bus or ferry.

    After spending an hour or so or maybe two hours or so with my sister Pamela meandering about, visiting the shops and drinking a delicious coke slurpee bought from the one and only 7-11 store, I looked into the horizon where the sun had just set. In the distant horizon there was a blurry orange glow and darkness was beginning to come. I knew the time had come for the night life to begin on a Friday night. The time and place for my last try to pick-up an English speaking Chinese girl had arrived, for it was time to head to the bars and night clubs/restaurants where the music could be heard. I took a deep breath and asked my sister: are you ready for night life? She would answer in the affirmative. I confessed to her at this time that I wanted to pick-up an English speaking Chinese girl and I asked her not to interfere. She promised. But would she keep her promise? Only time will tell. She knew that I had a fetish for Chinese girls. Sisters can be a blessing or a curse. Some sisters help their brother(s) by being the wingman (or wing-woman in this case) with the pick-ups by introducing him to her circle of girlfriends so as to make the pick-up easier. Some sisters will make a cold approach on a group of girls who are strangers and “break the ice” by conversing with them and then later introduce her brother to the new group. My 2 sisters have helped me in the past by doing both, but the only problem was that the girls they introduced me to in the past were White girls, because in my small town in America we have very few Asians. Introducing me to White girls was no help because I wanted a Chinese girl. Tonight I asked her for help and she only said that she will consider my request with a “maybe.” Sometimes I do not understand my sisters. I don’t understand women in general! They have helped me in the past with introductions to White girls when I do not want White girls; when I need my sister the most, all she can say is that she will consider my request. I wanted to scream inside because I did not want her along with me to Discovery Bay in the first place. Then when I took her with me I thought she would be asset as she can be the bridge between me and the Chinese girl(s). Now that she is with me, she will not promise to help me with my last and final attempt at getting a Chinese girl before leaving for the U.S. tomorrow! I do not believe what is happening before me. I cannot even count on my sister for help! Oh well, at least she promised not to interfere with my attempt. I was hoping that she will help me just as she did in the past with introductions to White girls, because as always I am hesitant, scared and nervous with making first contact. Making first contact with a pretty girl is never my forte because of the fear of the unknown reaction. Will she reject me? Will she yell at me and call me a creep? Or even worse, she may even call security and accuse me of rape and then I am in real trouble. For this reason, sisters are one of the best ways to be the bridge between me and the intended target. Tonight I could not count on my sister Pamela. Perhaps if my other sister Susan were with me, things would be different. So, I took a deep breath and proceeded into a night club/restaurant with Pamela by my side. She changed into super high heels before entering. (I will not mention the name of the restaurant/night club).

    In the nightclub/restaurant, there was a dance floor converted from a restaurant in the daytime. The club had a D.J playing the music. and a disco ball on the ceiling. It had also a patio leading outside facing the bay. The air was fresh compared to the inner city of H.K. Since the night was early, there was no one yet dancing on the floor to the music . But as the night dragged on, more and more patrons arrived and began to dance to the music. I was scouting for any Chinese girl unescorted or unaccompanied but there was none. There were a few who were in groups. My sister and I danced a little, people watched, drank, talked, and allowed the time to pass. Perhaps 2 hours had passed by then. The nightclub had mostly foreigners just like myself. I asked to separate from my sister so as not to create the misimpression that we are a couple and she agreed. After we separated I waited awhile, and sometime perhaps 20 or 30 minutes had passed. With no action all I could do was watch my sister Pamela in the distance. She certainly aroused a lot of stares from the foreign men inside with the way she dressed and her voluptuous and curvaceous body in super high heels which accentuated her curves. I shook my head in disbelief. My sister was getting the attention while I was getting none. This place had very few Chinese men and Chinese women. Did I come to the wrong place? I recalled another famous blogger named Sara Jaaksola who wrote in her blog that a foreign man can command a lot of attention from the Chinese girl just by doing nothing other than by being a foreigner. See her story here: So, here I am in China doing nothing except by being a foreigner but yet none of the Chinese girls in the bar paid any attention to me. I do not understand it! If what Sara Jaaksola said is true, then the Chinese girls should be falling head over heels for me, but it was not case. Could Sara Jaaksola be wrong in her assessment? I wondered at this moment where Sara Jaaksola obtained her facts from. In this club in Discovery, there are more foreigners than Chinese and thus foreigners like myself are suddenly not new or exotic anymore. This was my conclusion.

    As more and more time passed, the club was filled with patrons now. More foreigners and more Chinese men and Chinese women arrived. Now the pool of Chinese girls was expanding. So, I walked about the place and tried to find a lone Chinese girl but there was none. Then suddenly I saw 2 young pretty Chinese girls talking amongst themselves in fluent English outside on the patio. Perfect! Now it was time to make my move. So, I stood near them with my drink in one hand and listened into their conversation. They spoke British English. I could not believe it! These Chinese girls were speaking in perfect British English. How exotic I thought. I have never in my entire life heard Chinese men or girls speak with British accents before. This is trip to H.K. was interesting. I then took my wrist watch off and put it inside my pants’ pocket. I walked up to them and asked: Excuse me ladies, have you the time? Both looked on the left wrists and one answered me and said it was 12:10 a.m. I then said something like this: I am so sorry but I cannot help but to ask where you two learned such perfect British English? One answer me and said that they are not speaking British English but they are from New Zealand and that their accent is from New Zealand. Wow! I did not even know that there was a difference between British accent and New Zealanders’ accent. I looked a little foolish and ignorant at this point. One said to me: you must be from the U.S. based on your accent. I joked with them and replied by saying that I was actually from the “Confederate States of America” which is now defunct. They smiled. The conversation was on. We then conversed for quite some time. We talked about the weather, H.K., USA, Barack Obama, family, friends, etc. I learned that the nick name for New Zealanders were called “Kiwis” (the fruit). So, these Chinese girls were Kiwi Chinese. How exotic, I thought. After talking to them even longer, I felt more and more comfortable and they had few more alcoholic drinks. I, of course, did not drink any alcohol (I only drank coke) as I wanted to have all my of faculties functioning at their best before I try to seduce one or both of them. I was assessing the situation and maybe one more hour passed and I said to myself: should I make my move now or wait? I felt that time was running and I should start now or soon to make my move on one or both of them before the place closed. My plan was to ask them both to walk with me on the beach alone and then later I could lean over for a gentle kiss and some hand holding. Then if I am lucky, I could wrap my arms around their waste to feel one or both of the girls. No sooner had I entertained this thought, my sister Pamela showed up. Oh no! She had earlier said that she would consider helping me and at least promised not to interfere. Pamela arrived and stood to my left with a drink in her left hand. She put her right arm around my waist on my right side and pulled my left hip toward her right hip. Now her right hip and my left hip were contiguous. She said to the 2 Chinese girls in a flirtatious manner: “good evening gals” followed by “ya all havin fun?” At this moment, I knew I was in trouble because the 2 Chinese girls probably though that she was either my wife or girlfriend. So, I immediately tried to dispel this notion by saying: “Ladies, please meet my younger sister, Pamela.” Then Pamela said: “Sister?” “Why, Manny, I can’t believe what you’re saying” in her southern accent. “Manny, I have been your girlfriend of many years and now you say that I am your sister?” I then repeated to the 2 Kiwis that Pamela is my sister and not my girlfriend or wife. Pamela then with her left arm with the drink in the left hand and with her right arm wrapped them both around me. She put her crotch on my left hip with both arms wrapped around my right hip. She then proceeded to bend her knees up and down so that her crotch was rubbing up and down on my left hip and left leg. She then stuck her tongue out and pretended to lick my left face. Pamela then said: “Ladies, would a sister be doing this to her brother or would only a girlfriend do this?” Obviously, my sister had a few drinks too many and was slightly inebriated. The 2 Kiwi Chinese girls then were smiling and one of them said: “We will leave you two lovers alone now.” They wished us good night, turned around and left. I was furious with my sister at this time. I had two options at this moment: 1) push my sister aside and pursue the Kiwis and try to salvage the situation; or 2) chastise my sister and then take her home as she was obviously inebriated. Being the older and protective brother that I am, I chose the latter over the former. I could not imagine abandoning my drunken sister in the pursuit of two Chinese goddesses lest something should happen to her. Other men would probably love to take advantage of my pretty sister when her defensive faculties were not working due to alcohol and thus I chose to take her back to the hotel and abandon all hopes of romance with the Kiwis.

    While en route back to our hotel, I asked her why she “cock-blocked” me and her reply was in a giggly and flirtatious manner: “Well, if I can’t get any from those Chinese men, then I don’t think it’s fair that you should get some from those Yellow goddesses.” The next day she said that she did not remember the incident of “cock-blocking” or the reasons why she “cock-blocked” me. She apologized to me for what she did even though she said she did not remember it because she was too drunk. Oh well, I still love my sister dearly and forgave her. My family and I the next day took a taxi from Tsim Sha Tsui to the airport on Saturday afternoon; the cost was some $230 H.K. We then boarded the plane of China Airlines from H.K. to Taipei, Taiwan where we transferred on another China Airlines plane to Los Angeles where we took Delta Airlines back to our home state.

    In the end, I was not able to pick-up on any Chinese girl. My sisters were not able to pick-up on any Chinese men either. Perhaps we will have better luck next time.
    Take care all. Bye for now.

  8. @ Manny
    I guess I was one of the few people not feeling offended by things you described. They are at least original. Part of it is actually funny to me.
    I sometimes wonders about some white men’ fetish of Asian women. Some ideas are similar to yours. Some of you probably wonder the same fetish from Asian men about white women.
    I can say about 80% of young white males I ever met in Asia are there to womanize. That is why many have bad reputations as Sara described. Some expat marriage dissolve as result too. You need both partners to do this. So Asian girls helped, and some are more willing. About seduction or pick up skills, most Asian men are no match. How people get on their relationships eventually is not my business. I know very few Asian girls are dumb. Many become damaged goods after being with a foreigner. That kind of thinking does not really exist for a white women dating outside their race. I also don’t want non-Asian people to tell me I steal their women.

  9. @askdsk. Thanks for your eductaion. I did not know that many White males in Asia are there to womanize, but it makes sense because they are away from home and they do not face repercussions from their actions because they are not around family members, co-workers, or business assocations. When Chinese men are in the U.S., I do not recall any stories about them being womanizers. Some White girls I know tell me that they are curious about Chinese men and whether they will be fun or good for them, but because Chinese men are viewed as too prudish, shy or passive (i.e. not make the first move), the White girls here refrain from being with them. If the Chinese men simply get off their butts and do a little chasing of the White girls, then we will see more Chinese man/White girl couples.

    As for Asian men being no match for us White boys with regards to seduction and pick-up skils, I agree. But these skills are not innate but acquired. So, I think if the Chinese men learn them and practice them by process of repetition, they will become better and maybe they will surpise us Western men.

  10. @ Manny
    Yeah. That is exactly what happens. People are more “adventurous” abroad. It does not only happen to men. Some women would try different men in a foreign land too. American media and entertainment is also all powerful globally. Some white men benefit from all the anecdotes how far east is their heaven. So it goes.
    You seem to be very fond of your sisters. They seem to be really fun girls. What would do you if some men do not respect her? You being a real southerner, I certainly don’t want to be there. One of the big repercussions for Asian girls dating westerners is that their own men downgrade them sometimes. I would like to see that attitude change.
    I am not fan of pick-ups. Better social skills need to be developed. As an Asian myself, I appreciate the southern manners. I don’t think people should lose them.

  11. @Manny,
    “Could Sara Jaaksola be wrong in her assessment? I wondered at this moment where Sara Jaaksola obtained her facts from. ”

    Hong Kong versus mainland, observation of one individual versus experience of another individual.

  12. @askdsk. Yes, I agree with you that people in general are more adventurous abroad because they do not have to face repercussions. For example, if they offend a local such as breaking a girl’s heart or make the girl pregnant, then they can simply return to their country and the problem is not facing them anymore. Yes, my sisters are fun because they are young, brash and little boastful especially with their beauty. They are beautiful. I have told them many times that if I were not their brother and if I were into White girls, I would try to seduce them both simultaneously. Many times, men would look at them and even try to pick up on them espeically Pamela. But they were humbled by their experience in H.K. when not one single Chinese man gave them any attention. They felt that they suddenly lost their power. You wrote that a Chinse girl will be downgraded if she went with a foreign man. I guess that is the reason why I had no success when I was in China because these Chinese goddesses feared being downgraded.

  13. @ Manny
    I don’t think I made it quite clear enough. Sometimes Chinese girls have trouble to date Chinese guys after they’ve been “adventurous”. Some girls also complained more about their own men. It depends on the person. That is not the reason you did not have any luck. I don’t think your sisters lose their power, but it diminishes to a certain extent. Asian mentality tells people not to pursue something seemingly unattainable. I myself find chasing girls tiring and won’t ask pretty ones out unless I know someone is actually interested. But beauty is pleasing to the eye, only without lust.

    Situation in HK is different from mainland to a certain extent. Women in HK are pickier and bound by more traditions. Interesting to see a formal British colony to be so Chinese at the same time.

  14. @L – my friend married a white guy, his parents refused to talk them for years until they had their first child. That was when his parents came around. They all get alone really well now.

    @Manny – your sister might be jealous of you in her drunken state. While you were connecting with girls she was out cold. You know.
    Agree with repercussion issues, sometimes they turn to friends which are fine, but sometimes it is embarrassing to see someone you used to hit on.

  15. @Ordinary. I am not BS’ing. My story was not intended to be humorous. I could have falisified the facts and boast about sexual conquest after sexual conquest to make myself look good and be funny. But the fact of the matter remained that I was not successful at all in H.K hitting on any Chinese goddesses. The locals did not speak English or spoke English minimally not sufficient for an indepth conversation. Thus, I was left with the only option of trying to get an English speaking Chinese goddess. When I was in H.K. I was not trying to hit on any girls except on several occassions because I was with my family most of the time. I only tried twice (at the Star Ferry Terminal where the H.K. Tourism Board and at Discovery Bay). All of the other times, I tried conversing at first to see if the girl was receptive, fluent in English etc. and they did not speak English or insufficient English. Thus, I only made 2 strong attempts. If I were lying, then you must ask yourself could someone be falsifying and provide such details?

  16. @ Manny
    Since this discussion has been hijacked. We can go little longer.
    If you are only interested in picking up a Chinese girl, this would be a wrong place for that discussion. I am not judging you for that either. To find a Chinese girlfriend, learning about the culture and language would help in dating and long term relationship. University is always a good place to start. Don’t know how far you are from one. Internet won’t give anyone a goddess. Many native born Asian girls have very different mindset. It does not seem you are interested in them so much. If look comes first, you will get lucky as long as you keep trying. It is only a number game. Asian women are also women.
    It is interesting you mentioned Bruce Lee. After a few decades, Asian men still don’t have a similar role model, not in a ground-breaking way. People from all walk of life still relate to him. I agree that Asian men should be a little more brave.
    Anyone who’ve been to HK would know your recount is quite accurate.

  17. I think its a good thing that your bf is defiant and very clear that he wants to be with u. Of course in the longer run having a strained relationship with in laws is not ideal and may even wear doen upon your relationship. Having said that, if he is on your side then I would say give it time and take it slow.

    Keep trying but dont depress urselves if it doesnt work. And maybe when u fail give it time again. I think evetually they ll come around. The worse is not the parents or society’s disapproval. Its the mans decision to give you up for it. So be happy that you have found someone who thinks you are worth the trouble.

  18. This discussion about Chinese men dating women of other races is getting old. We know it’s rare and it will always be rare. For a Chinese man, it’s especially hard since he will always feel inferior dating a woman from powerful western countries. It’s just not normal for a man of lower economic and social standing to date a woman of higher economic and social standing. A foreign woman who wants to date a Chinese or Asian man (very few) could certainly do so in her own country and it’s much easier since she wouldn’t have to worry about her man being financially dependent on her. Asian Americans nowadays are almost on the same economic standing as whites and are defintely way above Blacks and Hispanics. Unfortunately stereotypes are hurting Asian men badly and it tends to make them shy. Just imagine trying to ask out a White woman and you know what she might think of you given how the media portrays Asian men as being geeks and nerds and wimps. If a White guy hits on an Chinese girl and trys to speak Chinese to her, she would think it’s cute and will give him credit for learning her language. Now try turning the table and imagine a Chinese guy speaking broken English to a White girl. That would totally turn her off. On the other hand, a French or Italian guy wouldn’t even have to speak proper English to get the girl. Just their accent alone would be enough to draw attention. Also cultural differnces is another problem. Other than dim sum and sushi, Westerners know nothing about Asians and don’t care to learn about their cultures. They don’t know the difference between Chinese, Koreans, and Japanese. One time a blond lady friend of mine asked me if sumo wrestlers were part of Chinese culture.

    I’m a Chinese American who grew up in California and I make a 6-figure salary. I’ve dated white girls a few times. When I was in college I met an pretty blond from Alaska about 6 inches shorter than me. I met her when I went to a dance at the co-ed dorm that we were staying at. She saw me and immediately asked me to dance with her. I guess she was interested in me. In another party a few weeks later she came over to me and applied lipstick on herself in order to put a kiss mark on my face just for fun. She was very playful. Unfortunately I had already found myself drawn to another girl with beautiful shiny brown hair. I went out with her once. At the end of the semester she was going to catch a train to go home for Christmas. I offered to drive her home and she was as thrilled as I was. It was the best 2 hour drive of my life. When I got to her house, her mom opened the door and thanked me for taking her daughter home. However she didn’t ask me in and I got that “disapproval” look on her face. That was a kick in the groin for me. It’s not like I had a mohawk haircut or I had tattoes all over my arms. I was a graduate student and her daughter couldn’t even pass algebra. That was it for me. I decided to focus on my college work instead. It’s much easier to date your own race.

  19. @ Anthony
    The myth is that education and salary will solve the problem. An Asian, black or Latino will not have the same cultural capital comparing to whites. That is also part of the privilege. Many Chinese Americans’ mentality is to essentially have the same privilege. A Chinese guy from China would not view things in the same way because he does not growing up being deprived in some way. This “ignorance” will help to have less mental block. Your general outlook and tolerance will have impacts in dating.

  20. Sorry for digressing and replying to the off topic discussion here, but I really dont get this grouse about how asian men/ other women (meaning white women) couples dont happen bla bla because whites have more social capital and we are discrminated against. I think its self victimization. ALL races have hierarchial preferences while dating. Asians treat black the same way whites treat asians…its not right. But its a fact of life.

    However as askdsk mentioned in one of the other threads, life is too short to think in this way. When you are looking for a life partner/ seriousl relationships, dating is about wading through a sea of frogs. So instead of pigeon holing on racial preferences and feeling bad about being ascribed lower social status, why not focus on finding the right person instead of finding the person of right race?

    I never imagined that I would be with an asian man, however when we met and became friends, we got along so well that it didnt even seem strange that we should be together. I think eventually the most amazing relationships are based on connection and connection can happen with anyone. Whats more, social status on dating scene has no bearing on it.

  21. and @Antony, I dont mean this in a mean way to you specifically. I can empathize what it feels like when people choose to overlook what you are as person based on something as superficial as race. But my response was to the general debate here, and other topics where some men seem to complain about this image of asian men and how the deters white women from dating them. well, media also propogates a certain image of white women, which makes men expect certain things while dating a white woman (wild, sexually liberated etc.). Its the same for asian/black/hispanic women and men. Eventually, the right person will see through stereyotypes to look at who you are as a person. And if they cannot, why would you want to be with them?

  22. @ Manny, don’t get all hot under the collar. It’s your life. Nobody is making fun of you. But the way you told your story sounded like you were a comedian to me. In a good sense. Like you are so helpless yet lustfully determined. Lol. Wish you all the best.

  23. @ SBC
    I guess a drug addict can’t blame the drug dealer for his problem.
    I saw quite a few Asian women with black men, even in China. More credits for our women.

  24. Asian Americans most of Southeast Asia Cantonese and Fujianese
    They also belong to the South East Asian
    Why Chinese men to low self-esteem?
    Do you think I’m shy?
    I is a typical northerner
    I went to Canada I went to Canada and the United States, LA
    I did not think they high
    But the UAsians really relatively short
    nited States and Canada The Mexicans also very short
    United States and Canada
    Should be most of the Philippines and Vietnam
    Then Fujian and Guangdong, China
    Many Chinese Canadian from Hong Kong and Guangdong

    Korean Americans is the highest Asian American
    If the Chinese American
    From the Northeast Inner Mongolia
    Asian Americans than whites

  25. @Namenotgiven. Are you saying that on the mainland, Sara Jaaksola’s account is correct and in H.K. it is not? Why not? After all, both H.K. and the mainland are parts of China. If the Chinese girls go crazy over foreign men on the mainland in Guongzhou, then they should go crazy over foreign men in H.K. as well. Do you not agree? I guess one day I will travel to the mainland to see if Sara’s version is correct or not. In fact, I am already entertainng the idea of yet another vacation to China but this time go to Beijing and Shanghai and maybe take detour to another smaller city. What do you think? Any advice for me?

  26. @cvaguy. Yes, my sister may have been jealous because I was making inroads while she was not connecdting. But she is so pretty that men usually flock to her but in China, she received no attention and thus this was probably her source of stress and anger. She asked what was wrong with those Chinese men. Yes, she was a little drunk that night. When she was drunk, her true feelings and self came out. You have heard of the all too often remarks about sibling rivalry. Well, my sisters and I have a love-hate relationship. I sometimes think that they do not want me to be involved in any relationship because it will take away from their time with me as we are very close. But then they have helped introduce me in the past to girls to get me laid (White girls of course). Thus, I cannot quite explain their behavior. I just don’t understand women sometimes!

  27. @Ordinary. Thanks for the good wishes. I am toying with the idea of another trip to China but this time to Beijing, Shanghai and perhaps one or two small places with less foreigners. And this time, I intend to go with my 2 pretty sisters and no parents. Having parents around then to make me feel restricted as I must behave more properly. I want to be able to lustfully get one of those Chinese goddesses hopefully with my sisters’ help. What do you thing? Any suggestions where to go or what to do?

  28. @ Manny
    Great! A family sexual conquest. I got a better idea – Korea! Your sisters would get more attention there. For you, it is about the same power.

  29. @Manny – women are complicated creatures. Heard about mood swing ? Bipolar? One minute they love you, one minute they stab you, Hehe 🙂

  30. Manny,

    Do you like Thai women? Make sure that Thai woman is a real woman and not a Transgender. Ohh yes baby!! LOL 🙂 your hair will point up in the air!!!!!! You will love it! Manny, you just have to be natural in front of Chinese woman. Don’t act like you always want something from them. See I don’t want anything from people but people always want something from me. Show us pictures of your pretty sisters so you don’t have to brag anymore. my email [email protected].


  31. Ordinary Malaysian:
    Totally agreed..sounds like an unrealistic comedy particularly the part about his sisters. More like a comic. Long time ago, in the comic Broom Hilda, the witch claimed that she parchuted behind the German lines in World War II and ate all the sausage so demoralizing the enemy that they surrendered. When the buzzard, her friend did not believe her story, she said she fudged a bit…and claimed that she drank all the beer too. Some of Manny’s storylines sounds like this comic, especially the part about his sisters, particularly, Pamela. Do you really believe it? Look, I was not born yesterday. I am a senior citizen (AARP) with all kinds of relatives, white, Asian and African. I believe the part about his trying to pick up Chinese women. But, do you really expect me to believe the story of a small-town southern white female trying to pick up Chinese guys? There have been a very few exceptions, including a couple of women on this blog, who show up now and then. But, in most cases I will believe that President John Kennedy and Elvis Pressley are still alive before I believe Pamela’s disappointments. It makes good comic reading though.

    When I find a blog or even a post similar to that of Manny but in reverse, at least a multi-millionaire Asian guy from a rich country, (eg. Singapore) about his adventures with white girls in the US deep South, even a university town like Athens, GA, I would say the world has changed (or at least America has changed)…that is if he ever got out of there alive after posting such a blog or if he stayed alive to post such a blog if his adventures were really the truth! For all I know, he might be found hanging from a tree. Some people may say that Manny was able to do what he did due to white privilege. I disagree. I think it is due to history. Although in a previous post Manny feared that he and his family were about to be lynched, there is no history of Chinese people lynching whites (there is that history in some parts of India, for a brief moment during the Indian mutiny in 1857), while there is plenty of history of white people lynching non-whites ( a few Asians but mostly blacks). In fact, an Asian male really cannot and certainly wont have the same right and privilege in an area of the country where the white people brazenly worship a white war criminal and mass murderer for killing black poeple, can he? a state where they always find conspiracy theories about President Obama?

  32. Self-defeating attitude is major problem for quite few Asian guys, especially southern Chinese origin.

    At least, Northern Chinese are more proud of themself like the rest of world.

  33. L, don’t give up. I know a lot of Chinese still think they are superior but they are fast becoming a minority. My parents were also very sceptical when I married a French 12 years ago (France is now a 5th republic and you know what that means in terms of how liberal they are). The old people will come around some day.

  34. Hi L,
    Some Chinese future in-laws esp. the females and/or mother in laws are cunning manipulative control freaks. They love manipulate and control others into doing what they want because they are selfish.
    The Chinese have mistaken cunning for being clever or wise. All 3 are different. Cleverness is not wisdom and cunning is not being clever.
    They don’t care what they kids want, just what they want matter only to them. So they want to choose a future daughter in law they can manipulate and control her. ‘Be good and listen to me!’. Jane Be Good!. Well, times have changed. Just ignored them. Make sure your future hubby is not a Chinese cowardice weakling who cannot defend his future wife if the time arises.

  35. I would like to thank all of those who offer their kind advices. I forgot to mention that I live in China, that I speak fluent Chinese and that I have studied western and Chinese medecine. I don’t think I’m a girl that other parents would disapprove of but who knows!

    I hope to found a family some days and hopefully his parents will come around as I think it would be a shame for my children to not know their grand parents.

    In the mean time I keep sending regular invitations to my boyfriend’s parents, asking them to come for dinner, with the hope that one day they’ll accept! They may be stubborn but so am I!

    I wish you all a happy mid-autumn festival!中秋节快乐!

  36. All my family members are open minded. They accept everyone no matter how you look like or your ethnicity ( black,red,white or green). The main thing and most important thing we ask for is that you are a good person.We are busy people and we really don’t have time to bug in anybody’s business. Doesn’t matter who you are! When you talk to me, you will be extremely comfortible and i will make you feel like your own home. Your heart will melt away! L, don’t ever change your attitude and personality because in the long run , your bf’s parents will realize what a great person you are. You will see! Let me tell you something here that finding people with the same mindset is not easy. L, if for example that your bf is my brother, we will accept you right away. We are no traditional family.
    Everybody in our family has his/her own mind.

  37. Personally, I know one case of Chinese parents in Mexico prohibiting their sons from marrying Hispanic women. But such attitude toward White women is much rarer.

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