Chinese family | Speaking of China

Ask the Yangxifu: British Woman with Chinese Husband Lonely in Marriage

The silhouette of a woman sitting on a stool, crying — A British woman, living with her Chinese husband in his isolated village, feels as if she's missing some emotional support and more. (photo by Glenda Otero)

Hainangirl asks:

Im from england and im 25 i have been married for about a year and a half to a chinese guy who is a year older than me. I love him very very much and i trust him with all my heart but i can sometimes feel so frustrated with the way he shows his love. I know its a culture difference and his upbringing as he is from a very small village , and has lived a bit of a sheltered life. Like i read in some of your articles about sex and love i had to teach him. the lack of eduction is also an issue when making big decisions or planning for the future. I hate to feel like im unsatisfied with him but sometimes i need reassurance and comfort. I have found the biggest problem can be him recognising my feelings. He doesnt speak english but im fluent in chinese and i make it very clear how i feel and i try not to critise him as i dont want to affect his confidence. It probably sounds so horrible that im moaning about him. We are very happy together and he compliments me perfectly but sometimes i feel uneasy. I am alone in china and not only am I committing my life to him, but also his family and this island and if you have ever been here you will know that the people here are not used to foreigners and you feel a bit like an alien. I feel i need more emotional support and comfort and reassurance about our future and our plans for a family. How do i get that??? i also wants to know that he is happy with me, he very rarely talks about how he feels and this can sometimes make me insecure? do you have any suggestions that could open him up a little. Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: British Woman with Chinese Husband Lonely in Marriage”

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My Chinese Mother-in-law and the Ring of Compliments

Ring on a finger — When I complimented my Chinese mother-in-law's ring, I ended up with a ring of compliments -- to wear.

“I really like your ring, it’s beautiful.”

I couldn’t believe I had missed this lovely glint of silver on the left ring finger of my Chinese mother-in-law, etched in a black with a flower that seemed to burst with all the brilliance of the star of Bethlehem. That’s why I told her I liked it. I don’t believe in keeping a good compliment to myself.

She smiled, wrinkling the corners of her lips as she took her left hand out of the dishwater in the wok to show it to me up close. “Somebody made it in our village.”

She then told me about this metalworking place in town, where silversmiths can fashion such a ring from raw silver. “Do you want one? I can make one for you.”

Is a compliment really just a compliment to her? I wondered. Continue reading “My Chinese Mother-in-law and the Ring of Compliments”

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Ask the Yangxifu: Motherly Chinese Ayi Not So Motherly To New Girlfriend

Two women talking — Her boyfriend considers his ayi like a Chinese mother. But this "Chinese mother," who still works for his ex girlfriend, continues to keep the ex's memory alive and well. What can she do?

Rebecca asks:

I have been dating a man in China for over a year now. He has this ayi. She has been working for him for five years now, and cares for him very much, like a son, and I’ve come to see her as his “Chinese mom.” He says that, aside from me, she is the woman he trusts most in China. I don’t doubt that they have a good relationship.

Then there is the story of how he got this ayi. She was introduced to him by his former girlfriend, a woman he was with for a very long time. The ayi’s main employer is still the former girlfriend. When they broke up, his only request was “I’m keeping the ayi,” and in the year before he met me, the arrangement was peaceful. He and the ex no longer communicate, and he doesn’t ask the ayi for news of the ex.

However, the ex asks the ayi for news of him, especially news of his new girlfriend, myself. Personal info is thus brought back to the ex, and the ayi also tells me things about my boyfriend when he was with the ex. She keeps his past open and alive. The things she says don’t make me feel good, although I really don’t believe she means any harm, and that she likes me. I think the problem is that, no matter how much she likes me and wants him to have somebody to love, she is fiercely loyal to her main employer–the ex-girlfriend–and part of her needs to put me down and reiterate how good they were together, how awesome the ex is, how long they spent together, how he seemed happier before, how they should still be friends, etc. She tells me these stories about the ex as if she is scared the ex will fade from his/our lives if she doesn’t.

I am writing to you because I’m torn about what to do. It’s like dealing with a mother-in-law, Chinese or otherwise, who loves and prefers the ex-girlfriend, although in this case she is, thankfully, NOT his mother and thus we can cut her off if we need to. Me avoiding her is not a solution; she will still talk about us to the ex, and I don’t want that. But how can I tell him, fire this woman who has cared for you for five years? A woman who needs the money? A woman who, when NOT reminiscing about the ex, is actually very kind to me? What do I do? I want the past to stay in the past, and she’s not letting me do that.

Thanks for any help and advice. Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Motherly Chinese Ayi Not So Motherly To New Girlfriend”

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One Chinese Woman Fears Marriage

Silhouette of a woman waking up from a nightmare — "I just had a nightmare -- I got married." (photo by Cathy Kaplan)

It’s no secret that women in China worry about getting married. Sometimes it’s because she’s approaching 30 – China’s unofficial expiration date for single women. Sometimes it has to do with parents and relatives raining that “why don’t you have a boyfriend?” question on her over and over again like neverending debris from Chinese New Year fireworks. And sometimes, in the case of my 22-year-old cousin Mei, the problem isn’t age or being a chronic singleton, but marriage itself.

“I don’t really want to get married. I’m afraid!”

Moments before Mei confessed her fear of an institution as integral to Chinese life as chopsticks and rice, I had told her she looked beautiful. Her navy-striped ruffle-trimmed blouse and khaki mini shorts accentuated her lovely Pippi Longstocking freckles, and she had long, creamy legs that could have stopped even high speed trains, perched atop patent leather high heels. If she had told me she had a boyfriend, I would have started teasing her about some imaginary hot date she didn’t have that evening. But she had no boyfriend, and no desire to find one either.

“Everyone around me is getting divorced,” she sighed.

“Who is getting divorced?” Continue reading “One Chinese Woman Fears Marriage”

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Living Apart from my Chinese Husband for the Summer in China

Motorcycle parked in front of a Chinese home in the countryside — What happens when my Chinese husband works for the summer in Shanghai, while I'm parked at the Chinese family home in the countryside?

John, my Chinese husband, came to China this summer to work on his dissertation research. If I was working on a research question for this summer, it might be this — what happens when a foreign woman comes to China with her Chinese husband and then spends the majority of the summer apart from him?

Since the afternoon of May 8, 2011, John and I have lived in separate cities in China. He stays in Shanghai, as he prepares to do a clinical trial for his dissertation research. Meanwhile, I stay at the family home in rural Hangzhou, where I can read, write and do a little research for my writing.

On paper, it works perfectly. John and I both knew he would be far too busy in Shanghai, which meant if we stayed together I’d be on my own most of the time. It made sense for me to go back to the family home, because I needed a space to write and longed for the inspiration of our relatives there.

But in practice, I have to face that one thing every happily married couple grapples with when they’re apart — missing your loved one more than you imagined.

It’s not like ours is a new tale in China. Haven’t we all heard of those families – especially from the rural countryside – where often the husband goes to the big city for some job, and his wife stays at home? Or even where both the husband and the wife head to different cities for work? Continue reading “Living Apart from my Chinese Husband for the Summer in China”

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Ask the Yangxifu: On the Chinese Mother-in-law

A grandmother chopping a vegetable in the kitchen — When I think of mothers, I think of those Chinese mother-in-law dilemmas readers write me about. (photo by Zelenyak Zoltan)

Programming note: from May 2 until May 13, I’ll be in the process of flying to and then settling down in China for the summer. During this time, I’ll be digging up some classic content from the archives, and sharing it with you in the form of theme-related posts. And don’t worry — I’ll be back on May 16. Promise! 😉

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It’s Mother’s Day this weekend in the US. When I think of mothers, I think of those Chinese mother-in-law dilemmas readers often write me about (and still continue to discuss). So I’ve compiled a couple of my favorite Ask the Yangxifu advice columns about the Chinese mother-in-law:

Building Better Relations with a Chinese Mother-in-law. Is your (future) Chinese mother-in-law giving you the cold shoulder? How can you build a better relationship with her, and be the “model daughter-in-law”, even if you’re not Chinese?

Your Chinese Boyfriend’s Parents Say No? Even though this one is about both parents, I was reminded of how I had a hard time getting my Chinese mother-in-law to warm up to me.

The Troubling Chinese Mother-in-law Relationship. Okay, it’s not an Ask the Yangxifu — but it might as well be since the conversation has attracted a lot of great questions and answers. Thanks so much to my readers for the comments, which have made this post a popular go-to for readers with Chinese mother-in-law headaches.

Happy Mother’s Day!

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Do you have a question about life, dating, marriage and family in China/Chinese culture (or Western culture)? Every Friday, I answer questions on my blog. Send me your question today.

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Ask the Yangxifu: How to Introduce Your White Girlfriend to Your Asian Parents

Instead of my usual Q&A this Friday (nothing to do with April Fools Day, I promise!), I’m steering you over to my latest article on the Asian Man White Woman magazine. If you’re a Chinese guy who just started dating a White girl, well, this one’s for you. It’s called How to Introduce Your White Girlfriend to Your Asian Parents — here’s a snippet:

When I first started dating John, my future Chinese husband, everything seemed as perfect as our first kiss by the lake.

We could have entire conversations with just a glance. Our chemistry was so good that, for weeks, I came to work every morning, beaming from bedroom bliss. And within weeks of getting together, we had taken two romantic dates together, and planned a third trip to Beijing.

So finally, after a little over a month together, John decided to go home and tell his Asian parents all about me. His report?

“My father said I can be friends with you, but not date you.”

Gulp. Not exactly what you’d call, uh, “perfect.”

So if you have a white girlfriend or fiancee, what do you do when your Asian family gets in the way of happily ever after?

To find out, read the full article now. If you like it, share it. And thanks!

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On My Chinese Husband’s Time

Retro alarm clock — How was it that my Chinese husband and I seemed to run on entirely different clocks?

We held tickets for a performance at 7pm Wednesday. By 6pm, the table had everything we needed for dinner — fried tofu, spring rolls, stir-fried vegetables. Everything, that is, except for my Chinese husband.

Where is he? I wondered, pacing as I peered out the window, scouring the landscape for any sign of him as the notice on those tickets flashed over and over again in my mind: attendees must be in their seats by 6:45pm, or the unfilled seats will be filled with people in the waiting area.

Suddenly, I spotted someone walking down the street in a rather familiar maroon down jacket, with an even more familiar gait. John. He strolled along with one of his soccer buddies, chatting with all of the leisure of a Sunday afternoon tea time — and not the Wednesday “we have to eat and get the performance ASAP” anxiety coursing through my veins.

Since he stood within shouting distance of our place, I did what any worried wife would do. “Sweetie, it’s dinnertime! Come on!”

When he finally trotted in the door, I gave him the chopsticks and a stern glance. “Where have you been? Did you completely forget about the performance this evening?”

“I was delayed at work. But I figured that 45 minutes is more than enough time for us to head over there.”

I cocked an eyebrow. “You really like to live on the edge, don’t you?”

“It’s not on the edge,” he said, shaking his head. “See, we still have enough time to eat dinner and get over there.”

But I couldn’t help but think about how his timing and my timing didn’t even seem to be in the same row of performance’s theater. Continue reading “On My Chinese Husband’s Time”

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2011 Blogs by Western Women who Love Chinese Men

John my Chinese husband and I after registering our marriage in China — My 2011 update of all the blogs by Western women who love Chinese men.

March 8 — International Women’s Day — is just around the corner, so it’s time for my homage to other fabulous Western women out in the blogosphere who love Chinese men.

If this update is any measure, the state of the community — that is, the community of Western women who love Chinese men — is strong and growing. Last year, I featured only 16 blogs. This year, it’s over 30. Either there are more of you out there speaking up on the internet, or I’m just getting better at finding you. 😉

So, in alphabetical order according to title, here they are:

Aimee Barnes. She’s more known for thoughtful, probing interviews with China’s up-and-coming movers and shakers — but she once loved a man from Shandong (and, I hope, hasn’t given up writing about it). I’ve come to appreciate her voice even more after reading this post about how she went against expectations (she had a learning disability) to master Mandarin and succeed in college and graduate school. Aimee is now living in Singapore with her Asian husband. Continue reading “2011 Blogs by Western Women who Love Chinese Men”

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Ask the Yangxifu: Meeting the Chinese Parents in America

Chinese parents sitting before a laptop computer — An American woman with a Chinese boyfriend will meet his parents for the first time at his graduation. How can she impress them?

american girlfriend asks:

I have a fairly new boyfriend and he is Chinese. We have been going out for 2 months, but it feels right. Anyway, down to the meat of my question. He is graduating from University in May with a Masters and his parents will be flying from China to visit for his graduation.
1) I don’t know how to greet them or what to give them as a gift. I’ve read your “Giving Gifts to your Chinese family – A Modest Guide” and while it makes sense for if I were to travel to China, I’m not sure if it still applies when they are coming to the USA.
2) I want to make my boyfriend proud and greet them properly because I want them to still approve of our relationship when they meet me face to face. They have given approval so far, but I don’t want to mess anything up!

—— Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Meeting the Chinese Parents in America”

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