Have you ever had trouble distinguishing between a group of people, such as Chinese or foreigners?
“I have a lot of trouble remembering the faces of my colleagues,” confessed Fang, a close Chinese friend of ours mentioned while driving home together from a dinner in town.
“How so?” I asked him.
He shrugged. “Foreigners just all look alike to me.”
“But how can that be? Foreigners look even more distinctive than Chinese do, because our eyes, hair color and skin tones are so different from person to person.”
John chuckled and echoed Fang’s frustration. “They look all the same to me, too.”
Advice for a reader tangled up in love with a married Chinese man
DangerousLiaisons asks:
I’m a 24 year old American woman with a problem — I’m having an affair with a married Chinese man. I didn’t want to get involved with someone who is married, but he and I just have this amazing connection, and chemistry. The thing is, I know he has a child, but he tells me he loves me and enjoys being together with me.
I’m worried about what other people might think of us, as I think some of my coworkers know. I also wonder if there’s any chance we might actually be able to be together (he once talked about leaving his wife), and if we’d ever be accepted as a real couple. What do you think?
—-
When it comes to extramarital affairs in China, you’re not alone. According to the 2010 study by Zhang, approximately 15 percent of Chinese men and 5 percent of Chinese women have affairs.
Historically, Chinese men used to have the right to multiple partners, even purchasing concubines that would live together with their wife. That’s an illegal practice now, but that doesn’t stop men from looking for an ernai (mistress) to support on the side. For many Chinese men, mistresses are still a status symbol, just like their Mercedes or BMW.
What were the most popular (or in some cases, embarrassing 😉 ) moments from Memoirs of a Yangxifu?
Memoirs of a Yangxifu was the story of love, cultural understanding and eventual marriage between one American woman from the city and one Chinese man from the countryside.
What were the top 10 most popular moments, by views?
Six years ago today, John and I registered our marriage. Today, I look back on the series, Memoirs of a Yangxifu, and also announce a new posting schedule
In China, lovers are often said “to have the destiny to meet across one thousand li.” For my Chinese husband, John, and I, it wasn’t just one thousand li — it was ten thousand li.
Distance, of course, is all relative.
I grew up in the suburbs of Cleveland, Ohio, and John in the countryside of Zhejiang Province. I knew the distance between us, something around 8,000 or more English miles apart (almost 13,000 kilometers). But this kind of distance, where separation is measured by miles, by continents, is as meaningless as the “Model Unit” plaques adorning work units all over China.
So what is it that can turn a thousand li into ten thousand?
How can Chinese men approach Western women in China? Jocelyn offers some advice.
Xiaoheng asks:
Are there any good suggestion on Chinese men how to approach western women? I think I need some advices which are useful for stengthening the communication, understading and respect between two persons from different culture and nationality. Especially I consider that respect the personality is very important to strengthen the relationship between Chinese men and western women. Because, Chinese culture are basically collectivism and western culture are individuallism. Multiculture communication is very important in this part, because I am interested in the multiculture stuff. So that would be very helpful. How do Chinese men respect the western women? I am currently in this situation of looking for my love and look forward to your suggestions.Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: How Chinese Men Can Approach Western Women in China”
A woman wonders why her Chinese man doesn't show her love or affection, or give compliments.
Missing Dimension asks:
I am white, and I know my Chinese S.O. loves me, but he never says so. No affection, touching, except in the bedroom. No compliments. No flirting. He is 62, born in Hong Kong, and lived in Canada a little while. Mostly lived in NY. He can be highly critical. But I have controlled this to some extent. Is this normal for a highly educated Chinese American man? There seems to be a whole dimension of our relationship left out.
Chinese parents put on the pressure when a hapa Asian-Australian woman, her Chinese husband and baby live in the parents' extra flat. How can the young couple balance their independence with the parents' need to control?
Under Pressure asks:
We have just had our first child. My Chinese husband is one of 2 children, and is the eldest. Our child is the first grandchild so you can already see the pressure there!
Due to logistical issues we moved into the granny flat of my inlaws 2 months before our baby was born (our new house is still being built, financially it is better to rent out our old house because I was going on maternity leave and I was the higher income earner in our household. and I had poor health leading up to the birth) I was hesitant because I am very independent and was worried that his parents would provide too much input into our childs upbringing but my husband assured me he would not allow them to do that.
Needless to say, baby is here, inlaws are in the granny flat EVERY DAY a FEW TIMES a day and I feel that my husband (who is still working full time) and I do not get the chance to enjoy our own personal time with bub as much when he gets home because they are always ‘popping in’. Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Chinese Parents, Pressure and a Preemie Baby”
If your Chinese man likes it, how does he put a ring on it? Jocelyn takes on the topic of creative marriage proposals from Chinese men. (photo by wvermeulen)
Friend asks:
I was going to ask if you were going to make an entry on how chinese men propose, and maybe personal examples from you or others. Some thoughts ran around my head while I was listening to that cheesy but semi-adorable song by David Tao, Today you’re going to marry me (今天你要嫁给我). Although a lot of western guys come with a bunch of fun and neat ideas of proposing, there’s no lack of creativity from Chinese guys, shy as they may be. Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Chinese Men and the Marriage Proposal”
Is your (future) Chinese mother-in-law giving you the cold shoulder? How can you build a better relationship with her, and be the "model daughter-in-law", even if you're not Chinese?
Anonymous asks:
I am in love with a Chinese American. His parents are both Chinese and were brought to America for the “better life”. I am a white with two children.
To cut a long story short, his mother hates white women and wants him to marry and Asian. He refuses because he loves me. How can I be the kind of daughter in law that his mother wants?
———-
And I thought my in-laws were cautious about me! 😉
There’s good news here: he’s committed to you. The major reason our relationships break up is not because of the parents — it’s because of him, when he gives in to the family pressure to end the relationship. He’s already defying her wishes, so, chances are, he’s not going to leave you.
What do Western women think of Chinese men? A study by the Shanghai Academy of Social Sciences provides further insight into why couples of Chinese men and Western women are so rare.
This week on Ask the Yangxifu, I’m preempting the usual Q&A to share with you an article published a few weeks ago, in Chinese, discussing a China study about what Western women think of Chinese men — a topic on the minds of many readers.
No surprises here — especially if you’ve read or followed the comments on my post On the Rarity of Foreign Women and Chinese Boyfriends/Chinese Husbands. Still, it’s nice to see a more empirical take on something we have understood more intuitively, or through our own experiences.
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