Dating Chinese men | Speaking of China

Ask the Yangxifu: 5+ Years of Dating & Still Haven’t Met His Family

A white girl looking depressed — (photo by Marinka van Holten)

Anonymous asks:

I have been dating my Chinese boyfriend for more than 5 years. We met in the West and he lives and works in my country and became a citizen of my country. He is however a childhood immigrant. His family is very traditional, I think. I have never met them. They live elsewhere and do not know I exist. He goes to China every year to visit his family, is the oldest son, and his family still believes in arranged marriages. We broke up once because they found him a woman to marry. I love him and thought I could continue to deal with this, that I was bigger than this ridiculous situation. But, as time drags on it becomes more difficult for me to tolerate. We had come to an agreement that I would obtain a doctorate and that would make me as close to worthy enough to tell his family about. I graduate this year and he has backed out of the deal. I am more disappointed than I can express. I feel like a mistress, to be hid forever. He went to China last week to visit his family and turned his phone off. I never call him when he goes to China or visits his family but with his phone off I couldn’t even contact him in an emergency. We live together, what if something happened to the house. He said it was because he didn’t want his phone to make accidental international phone calls but, really? That has never happened before and I doubt his veracity on the reason. It seems the closer I get to finishing the goal he decided would end the hiding, the more thoughtless things he does. But, he swears he doesn’t want to end our relationship and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I have a wedding dress because we were going to get married this year, it mocks me from the closet. It feels like he panics when he is afraid of getting caught and does or says hurtful things out of a knee jerk reaction but expects me to understand his cultural needs but ignores mine. Is this a Chinese thing or a him thing? Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: 5+ Years of Dating & Still Haven’t Met His Family”

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Double Happiness: A Kiss 12 Years in the Making

Kissing lips — (photo by Julia Freeman-Woolpert)

Twelve years after she first met her Asian high school crush, Rebekah never imaged she would finally get her chance at love with him — including a kiss that, as she put it, was 12 years in the making. She originally published her story on her blog, and kindly gave me permission to edit and reprint it here.

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We first “met” in high school, way back in 1994. He was a senior, I was a freshman. From what I can remember, I just loved him the instant I saw him. The big movie at that time was The Crow, Brandon Lee’s last movie (which, coincidentally was my first Asian guy crush). Imagine my surprise meeting this adorable Asian guy at school, with long hair past his shoulders and a gorgeous smile, the kind that just lights up the room. I always saw him either outside of the lunchroom or in the music room. It is so funny for me to tell this now. At age 14 I was the girl who was so shy, I could barely make eye contact with a boy. I remember actually making eye contact with him once, and I could feel my face burning. He remembers this too, and he recalls not only me turning bright red, but “cutely” covering my face with my hand before looking away. I knew I could never talk to him because I was way too shy. So off he went to college and I never thought I would see him again. Continue reading “Double Happiness: A Kiss 12 Years in the Making”

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Why I Write About “Forbidden” Love in China

Forbidden. That’s what someone once called my writing back in 2004 when I started sharing my relationships with Chinese men. It’s not as if I put some adult-store-version of my life out there, complete with salacious descriptions that would have everyone heading for a cold shower. Sex never even came up.

No, I just happened to write about my former Chinese boyfriends.

I broke with Chinese tradition, where you keep your past loves buried away in your heart (to be sure, I never used their actual names and changed some of their details, though everything I shared was essentially true). That comment shook me then — I never realized I crossed a cultural line in my writing. If my old files from that time are any measure — I steered clear of intimate topics for years — the comment impacted me in ways I didn’t even realize. Continue reading “Why I Write About “Forbidden” Love in China”

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Double Happiness: A Journey Towards China And Love

Red Chinese lanterns at nighttime — (photo by miguel ugalde)

This is the longest story I’ve ever published in my Double Happiness series. But Mayte’s unexpected journey towards China and love really touched me, and I’m really excited to share her story of two different, surprising and beautiful relationships with Chinese men.

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I came to China to enjoy my dream trip. But before I arrived, I met and fell in love with a Chinese man who was by far the most amazing person I had ever met.

It began as a language exchange so that I could improve my Chinese enough to get through a backpacking trip I had planned in China. I wasn’t looking for any relationship at the time but as I prepared for the trip, it made sense to start working on learning Mandarin if I was going off on my own for the latter half. I met C.J. when he responded to a post asking for a language exchange. We talked briefly by phone before meeting and the day I met him, I thought he seemed sweet. When we talked, it was like talking to your best friend after not seeing them for years. We laughed a lot and shared lots of stories. He told me about China and I told him about life in the States, among other things. We closed down a cafe and a bar while we talked that night.

When I went home, I remember thinking that this was the kind of guy I could marry. I think that’s when everything changed for me. Continue reading “Double Happiness: A Journey Towards China And Love”

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Ask The Yangxifu: When Politics Interfere With Love in China

A girl leaning against a brick wall looking sad and alone — (photo by Cherie Wren)

AK asks:

I am a white 19YO university student living in America, and for one year now I have been in a serious relationship with a PRC national six years older than me. I was already studying Mandarin before I met him and his English is commendable, so communication hasn’t been an issue, and therefore everything between us on a personal level has been ideal. We both feel completely comfortable talking about the future, already assuming we’re working toward marriage after graduation.

However, my parents are none too pleased. They remained generally quiet for the first six months of dating, then all of a sudden began voicing protests. I do my best to ignore their complaints about his age and religion (we’re Christian, he was raised Buddhist), but there is one problem that really puts me between a rock and a hard place.

My father’s job requires him to have a high-level security clearance. Because of this, my parents understandably fear that were I to marry my “Communist” Chinese boyfriend, my father would be forced to quit his job. Even though my boyfriend is not a CCP member, his nationality is all that matters in the clearance. Every time I go home or open an email, I am reminded that I am ruining my family with attacks like:

“Some relationships shouldn’t be allowed to begin in the first place!” Continue reading “Ask The Yangxifu: When Politics Interfere With Love in China”

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Double Happiness: A Chinese-American Christian Love Story

A white American Christian woman and her Chinese fiancee — Kristen and Keke (photo courtesy of Kristen)

Kristen, a white Christian girl from America, never thought she’d marry someone different from her. But then she met a Christian man from China on a road trip, a man who would bring her unexpected love and blessings.

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I always wanted to end up with someone different from me, but would that ever actually happen? I was pretty cynical.

Instead, I pictured myself ending up with someone who, like me, had grown up in small town New Hampshire his whole life. The people I met at college were all basically male versions of myself: native New Hampshirites of French and Irish heritage. That’s when I decided to make a voyage to Italy to study abroad — and, perhaps, meet someone there.

At the same time, life seemed to be taking me to the Midwest. I found myself on my way to St. Louis, Missouri for a large Intervarsity Christian conference called Urbana. Of course, sitting beside me in our van was this random guy from China, who I ended up talking to about my plans to travel to Italy, as well as everything else we could think to share with each other. Conversation flowed easily despite my shyness and his imperfect English. I never mentioned the part about finding my man in Italy, but I was secretly hoping that this guy wasn’t developing feelings for me. Continue reading “Double Happiness: A Chinese-American Christian Love Story”

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Ask the Yangxifu: Chinese Men, Sex and Prostitution

A still from a sex scene in the movie, "Lust, Caution." — After her recent dating experiences in China, a woman wonders, should she expect Chinese men to have higher numbers of sexual partners and/or experience with prostitutes? (photo, a still of a sex scene from "Lust, Caution," from http://www.guardian.co.uk)

Anonymous asks:

I read your piece about dating pasts and Chinese men, but I have been having the opposite experience. I have dated some Chinese men in China. On each occasion as I became closer with the respective guy I was dating at the time, discussion of sexual history came up. Each had a fairly sizable number of partners (into double digits) and/or they had had sex with a prostitute. All other things considered, these were nice guys who treated me respectfully and didn’t seem to be players. I appreciated their truthfulness, but their sexual history combined with often poor sexual health practices (I blame poor sex-ed) kept me from becoming physically involved with any of them. My questions are these:

Are the men I’m meeting just outliers, or are higher numbers of sexual partners increasingly common among Chinese men in their 20s?

Could Westernization partially account for the higher number of partners?

Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Chinese Men, Sex and Prostitution”

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Ask the Yangxifu: What do Chinese Men Think of Half-Chinese, Half-White Women?

A half-Chinese, half-White woman wonders, what would Chinese men and their parents think of dating her? (photo of Karen Mok -- a hapa celebrity in China -- by Rico Shen, from wikimedia.org)

Bari asks:

I am biracial, with a chinese mother and a caucasian father. Physically the only real asian things about me are my eyes and body stature, noticeable, but other than that I look pretty much caucasian. As for background, my mother was a foreigner, and I was born and bred in the united states. Throughout my life there were always chinese influences in the home, but it ends there (can’t speak chinese either, but learning!). There is much helpful advice on the internet for caucasian women to get a chinese man, but I’ve never seen any for halfies such as myself. Being biracial, I feel kind of awkward in the whole asian-caucasian dating scene, perhaps being too “white” for the more conservative Chinese men and too “asian” for the yangxifu lovers. What would the difference be in how chinese men and their parents view me because I am half instead of full caucasian? Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: What do Chinese Men Think of Half-Chinese, Half-White Women?”

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Ask the Yangxifu: More On Finding Western Women to Date in China

Three women in a club — A Chinese man in Guangzhou wonders, can he ever find another Western woman to love in China? (Photo by Jim Reilly)

Ken asks:

I went over to New York when I was 20 years old and I finished my BA and my MBA there. I also worked there for about one year before I decided it was time to come back to China with my classmate/girlfriend then who was from New York. I was able to make the decision of coming back to China because my girlfriend was very supportive of this decision, which, to be very honest, was really to my surprise because she never had been outside of the States except for going to Canada that one time. Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: More On Finding Western Women to Date in China”

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Double Happiness: How A Chinese Man Found Love in Brazil

Man sitting with a Brazilian woman on the beach — Fred, who was born in Hong Kong and primarily raised in the US, never expected he would marry a white woman, let alone one from Brazil. (photo by André Mariana)

It’s amazing how far people will go for love, even learning a foreign language and then flying to a foreign land to ask for her hand in marriage.

No, I’m not referring to one of the plot lines from “Love, Actually” — I’m talking about Fred and his story of finding love in Brazil, a story I couldn’t wait to hear after he posted a comment and e-mailed me.

I figure, maybe his story will inspire more of you to “think outside the borders” for love. 😉 Continue reading “Double Happiness: How A Chinese Man Found Love in Brazil”

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