The idea of dating or marrying a Chinese man never really crossed my mind before I first came to China in 1999. That’s probably the last thing you expected to hear from a woman known for writing and blogging about her marriage to a Chinese man, but it’s true.
When I think back to the months I spent in preparation for that year of teaching English in Zhengzhou, I draw a blank on Chinese men, apart from one simple thing. I assumed they weren’t dating material for me, and I wasn’t alone. An American man who had once taught in China famously told me, “You don’t have to worry about the students falling in love with you.”
As longtime readers know, I originally interviewed Susan back in July about Good Chinese Wife as part of the Good Chinese Wife blog tour. For Asian Jewish Life, I expanded on that interview to ask more about how Susan’s Jewish identity factored into her story and also learn about the work in progress she’s currently writing (which has a very strong Asian Jewish theme!).
AJL: Your Jewish identity is an important part of your story – such as trying to explain to Cai’s parents that you don’t want to eat pork, and having a bris for your son. What was it like navigating a world where people might not always understand what being Jewish really means?
SBK: I really tried to fit in and was worried at first that Cai’s family wouldn’t accept me because I wasn’t Chinese. So I was careful not to draw more attention to my differences. For that reason, I wasn’t so open about my Judaism. In the beginning of my marriage, I only mentioned it in passing. My parents attended a lecture in Chicago by the renowned scholar Xu Xin and brought a couple copies of his Jewish encyclopedia (printed in Chinese) for Cai and his parents. I’m not sure they ever read the encyclopedia and at the time I didn’t want to make a big deal about it, so didn’t discuss it with them. Later when Jake was born, I asked Cai about having a bris for Jake and he agreed. It wasn’t easy for him, and I write about that in Good Chinese Wife.When Jake was a year old, I suddenly felt like it was important for Jake to be raised with a religion. That’s not uncommon for people who aren’t very religious growing up but then change when they have children. So I signed us up for an interfaith group run by the Jewish community in San Francisco. Cai went with Jake and me a couple of times, but then claimed he had no interest and didn’t want to continue going. I took Jake by myself until we left San Francisco. I am happy to say that Cai attended Jake’s bar mitzvah three years ago and was very proud of Jake. This fall Jake is studying in Israel and Cai will visit him there!
Titled “Why Won’t Western Women Date Chinese Men?”, it’s my personal exploration of a topic close to my own heart. After reading a few too many misleading articles on the subject this year, I felt it was time for me to speak out.
…when I think about the global reach of this problem, and the fact that it’s even tough for Western-born Chinese to score a date outside of their own race, I know deep down that cultural differences — as much as they matter in relationships — cannot alone account for why few Western women date Chinese men. When I think about how a racist caricature from Hollywood gets tossed around among expats as a symbol of Chinese men — and Westerners from around the world harbor consistently negative views of Chinese men — I realize there’s a dark side to this whole discussion.
My personal essay is titled “Huangshan Honeymoon” and centers on a rather unusual kind of vacation for newlyweds in China — one where my husband’s father-in-law came along for the ride! Why did we bring his father on the trip? And, more importantly, how did this journey change my relationship with his father, a man who once counseled his son not to date foreign women? Find out when you read “Huangshan Honeymoon” in this forthcoming anthology.
Kaitlin Solimine, author of the forthcoming novel Empire of Glass and a contributor to Unsavory Elements (her essay, “Water for Li-Ming”, was one of the standouts in the collection)
Christine Tan, whose now-defunct blog Shanghai Shiok was one of my all-time favorite reads on cross-cultural relationships and interracial dating between Asians and non-Asians
Edna Zhou, who wrote for Shanghaiist and is best known for her blog Expat Edna, which chronicles her globe-trotting adventures
“How Does One Dress to Buy Dragonfruit is an eclectic, soulful collection of stories by badass women who have adventured far out of their comfort zones. Full of candid observations about travel, language, food, self and other, it’s a book for anyone who has ever felt peripheral, upside down, culturally shocked or inspired. In other words, a book for all of us.”
– Rachel DeWoskin, author of Foreign Babes in Beijing, Repeat After Me, Big Girl Small, and Blind.
“A unique and inspiring collection of voices that calls up all the wonder, fascination, challenges, disorientation, and delights faced by women expats throughout Asia. I was moved by the breadth of experiences included in this anthology at the same time that I fell in love with one thread running throughout: how the expatriate journey takes us away from ourselves and then ultimately delivers us back, richer, wiser, and even more aware of how our own identities fit within our wide, wide world.”
– Tracy Slater, author of The Good Shufu: A Wife in Search of a Life Between East and West.
I’m on a major deadline again this week and need a break from my regularly scheduled Friday programming. But I still have some share-worthy news, including one that was a definite jīngxǐ (惊喜, pleasant surprise) for me!
First off, the South China Morning Post recently came out with a review of Unsavory Elements. Mark O’Neill, who did the review, happened to single out my essay — titled “Red Couplets” — as one of “the most moving” contributions (along with essays from Kay Bratt and Kaitlin Solimine). Wow.
Jocelyn Eikenburg describes courting her Chinese husband. “From the first time I started to love a Chinese man, hiding became part of my life.” This is a rare account from the inside of a relationship that is much less common that that of a western man with a Chinese wife.
The wait is over! Unsavory Elements — the China anthology featuring my essay (titled “Red Couplets”) — is finally available for purchase through Amazon.com in paperback form (note: Kindle edition will be available August 1 — I’ll make another announcement at that time).
As my friend Susan Blumberg-Kason wrote, the contributor’s list reads like “a who’s who in the China expat literary world.” Those 28 writers include big names such as Peter Hessler, Simon Winchester,Michael Meyer, Deborah Fallows, Alan Paul, Jonathan Watts and Susan Conley. So for me, it is truly an honor to be in same publication as these distinguished writers. Tom Carter, author of CHINA: Portrait of a People, edited the book and also contributed an essay.…
FYI, the essay I wrote centers on love and relationships between Western women and Chinese men, so I’m sure it will resonate with many of you!
I have some extremely exciting news! My essay titled “Red Couplets” is going to be published this month in the anthology Unsavory Elements — a publication also featured in the Shanghai Literary Festival.
As my friend Susan Blumberg-Kason wrote, the contributor’s list reads like “a who’s who in the China expat literary world.” Those 28 writers include big names such as Peter Hessler, Simon Winchester, Michael Meyer, Deborah Fallows, Alan Paul, Jonathan Watts and Susan Conley. So for me, it is truly an honor to be in same publication as these distinguished writers. Tom Carter, author of CHINA: Portrait of a People, edited the book and also contributed an essay.
If you’re in Shanghai and you’d love to get a copy, they should be available at the March 15, 7pm event for the anthology. (NOTE: This event is going to be SOLD OUT soon, so ACT FAST if you want tickets to attend!)
This website uses cookies to improve your experience. We'll assume you're ok with this, but you can opt-out if you wish.AcceptRejectRead More
Privacy & Cookies Policy
Privacy Overview
This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Out of these cookies, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. But opting out of some of these cookies may have an effect on your browsing experience.
Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. These cookies do not store any personal information.
Any cookies that may not be particularly necessary for the website to function and is used specifically to collect user personal data via analytics, ads, other embedded contents are termed as non-necessary cookies. It is mandatory to procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your website.
, edited the book and also contributed an essay.