sex in singapore asks:
Any idea why my Singaporean (Chinese) lover is so terrible in bed? He is 35, has had long term relationships, has been exposed to the west as he is a successful producer and has been all over the world, he is exposed to the concept of good sex through films and media… so why is he so clueless? He doesn’t even try. In the past his gfs have been Chinese and Singaporean.. When I asked Chinese friends they say in Chinese culture men are less romantic and more passive and don’t want to give pleasure to women. Others say Asians are just not as passionate as in european countries for example. Again I find this hard to believe, I am sure there are many Asians who know what they are doing.. but I do hear western men talking of their Chinese girlfriends and how they have never had orgasm etc. I am interested to know what you think of Chinese/Asian sexual relationships and whether it is in fact normal for the sex to be so … bad? I think this is unlikely and I think it is simply that my guy for whatever reason is just totally clueless. But can any generalisations be made on this subject? thanks!
The best sex I’ve ever had has been with Chinese men (including my husband). And that tells me that there are plenty of wonderful lovers to be found among the sons of Han.
Still, while I’ve experienced the best of times in bed with Chinese men, I’m willing to admit I’ve had my worst of times too. And a recent sex survey did say that Chinese men feel less satisfied as a whole with sex than Westerners.
But does that mean bad in bed is the norm? Or that Chinese men are less passionate or romantic as lovers? Those are questions that I bet the “Asian men have small penises” camp would love to jump on.
Personally, I think Chinese men have the goods and ability to be truly sexy, and truly great lovers. So what’s the difference then?
Well, Chinese men live in a culture where sex is much more of a taboo.
Take my husband, for example. He grew up in a home where love was expressed indirectly, where no one ever hugged or kissed in public — or even hugged or kissed him. His parents never talked to him about sex or dating, and sex education at school was a joke (he had to learn about it from late-night radio shows, his friends, and later the Internet).
Or what about my first Chinese boyfriend? The first time he had sex with a girl (not me), he had no idea what to do, and she had to show him how. (I will say he turned out to be a fantastic lover, despite this story he told me).
Because of the generational gap between Asian fathers and their American-born sons, Asian men often miss out on the dating tips most American men get from their dads.
While he wrote that with Asian American men in mind, chances are, Chinese men in China aren’t getting any dating tips from their dads either.
When it comes to sex, I think Chinese men are probably not as well-informed by their families, schools and the culture as a whole. And they’re generally not socialized to talk about sex or express their sexuality.
So, for some men, that can lead to problems — one, that he’s too sexually repressed to perform well; or two, that he’s less likely to communicate about sex in bed. Believe me, movies don’t enter into the equation. He could watch the most accomplished sex scenes in all of cinema — but if he doesn’t allow himself to be sexual, or to talk about it, it’s going to be that much more difficult to be good in bed.
Remember, these are simply potential problems for some, but not all, Chinese men. After all, if all Chinese men were so terrible, how is it they’ve still given me the best sex I’ve ever had?
So, if you can’t work it out with your Chinese boyfriend, never fear — there are still sexy Chinese men out there who could rock your world.
What do you think?
Do you have a question about life, dating, marriage and family in China/Chinese culture (or Western culture)? Every Friday, I answer questions on my blog. Send me your question today.