“When True Love Came To China” Shanghai Book Launch Dec 13 @ M on The Bund

When True Love Came to China by Lynn PanJust wanted to pass this info on to anyone in the Shanghai area. I haven’t read the book yet, but the topic sounds fascinating and I’m sure it would appeal to many of you out there! Here are the details from M on the Bund’s website:

Sunday December 13th, 4pm
Tickets 75 rmb (includes a drink)

When True Love Came to China

What does ‘love’ mean to the Chinese? How did its meaning in pre-modern China differ from how it was understood in the contemporary West? Does the Chinese way of love confirm or contradict the widely accepted theory that romantic love was invented in Europe and is uniquely Western? How was the experience of romantic love by Chinese writers and readers altered by their exposure to European works like Goethe’s The Sorrows of Young Wertherand Alexandra Kollontai’s The Loves of Three Generations, and to the Japanese enthusiasm for the now obscure love guru Ellen Key? What ways of escape, from celibacy to adultery, were sought by Chinese men who pursued Western love ideals even as they were trapped in loveless arranged marriages?

Lynn Pan, who has published more than a dozen books including Shanghai Style and Old Shanghai: Gangsters in Paradise, addresses these and many other questions in her new book When True Love Came to China.

Here’s a map to M on the Bund in Shanghai. And for more information about this event, you can contact M on the Bund.

That Shanghai Christmas My Chinese Husband Forgot The Presents

I’ve come down with a huge cold recently and wasn’t able to write up something new for you this week, as I had hoped. But the good news is, I have a classic story that I wrote up as a guest post for Beijing Cream a few years ago — one I haven’t shared with you before. And because it’s a Christmas story (and the Christmas season has just begun) I thought you might enjoy it. 

In the meantime, I’m going to pop some Tylenol, burrow under the covers, and watch a few classic Christmas movies. 🙂

—–

Christmas in ChinaWhen you spend Christmas in China as an expat, it’s easy to feel a little forgotten by the holiday season. But in 2004, when I lived in Shanghai, I had just visited the Shanghai Marriage Bureau to register with my Chinese sweetheart, John — a man who I had spent the previous two Christmases with — so I considered myself somehow immune to that feeling of isolation. Or so I thought.

My employer gave me Christmas off. John also had no classes that day, and promised to take a break from his dissertation work — work that, for the weeks leading up to the holiday, meant lengthy trips to Hangzhou and exhausting late evenings typing away at his computer.

Since I always loved playing “Santa Claus” to John, who of course never grew up with stories of this jolly old man, I presented him with his gifts first — two wool turtleneck sweaters, one in royal blue and another in deep maroon. John beamed at them, and I couldn’t help but smile with pride, knowing I’d nailed the perfect gifts.

“So, what did ‘Santa Claus’ bring me for Christmas?” I asked John. By then, he already understood that “Santa Claus” was our little euphemism for the gifts we gave to one another.

His smile evaporated. “I’m sorry.”

My heart sank as I noticed that no other gifts, cards or bags sat under our tiny artificial tree in the corner. “You forgot?”

Maybe I shouldn’t have been surprised. He never even celebrated Christmas until he met me, and even then, he usually left his gifts in plastic bags under the tree, sometimes even with the receipt. Plus, in late 2004, the pressure to finish the draft of his dissertation before Chinese New Year had probably distracted him so much he didn’t realize that this was, to his foreign wife, as important a time of year as guonian.

Yet I couldn’t think about any of that, not on a morning I had anticipated for weeks. Even a few pairs of socks — something he had been known to buy for me in past Christmases — would have cheered me. But the absence of any gift from my favorite “Santa Claus” only magnified the loneliness and isolation that can come from spending the holidays in a country where Christmas carols are often nothing more than great karaoke tunes. I hung my head and started to cry.

To John, though, my tears were a catalyst. “You wait here, I’m going to find something for you.” He jumped up, threw on his jeans and a sweater, and headed for the door.

A few hours later, a grinning John burst through the door with two plastic bags in hand. “Shengdan kuaile,” he said as he placed them in my hands.

Inside the first bag, I found several pairs of cotton socks in my favorite colors, including red and pink. But from the second, I pulled out a knit scarf and matching hat splashed in waves of brilliant apricot, creamy yellow, and a light toffee brown. Even the style, right down to the button on the brim of the hat, felt as unconventional as the clothes I wore outside the office. Only John could have known I would love this scarf and hat. That thought warmed me from head to toe, even in our drafty apartment, and turned a “forgotten Christmas” into something unforgettable.

P.S.: In the picture below, that’s me wearing the knit heat John gave me for Christmas!

IMG_2698

4 Tips for Giving Gift Baskets in China (+ Exclusive Holiday Deals)

What should I give to my loved ones/family in China? I’ve received hundreds of e-mails from people around the world, asking me for advice on this. And believe me, I understand. How many times have I struggled to come up with gifts for the family here in China? (Especially for my husband’s dad, who is the ultimate tough-to-buy-for kind of guy!)

Of course, over the years I’ve discovered there can be a very simple answer to this question – the fruit basket, or even a well-chosen gift-basket.

If I had known this a long time ago, I could have saved myself tons of trouble and money. (I shudder to think of all the cash I’ve thrown away on gifts that didn’t hit the mark.)

Today I’m sharing four tips for giving gift baskets in China, along with some recommendations of gift baskets from Gift Baskets Overseas (scroll down), where you can send a nice gift basket to China from anywhere in the world in just a few easy clicks.

(Disclosure – yes, I’m an affiliate. However, I only recommend products and services that I believe in. Plus, Gift Baskets Overseas has an A-rating from the Better Business Bureau and is rated excellent by customers on the independent review site TrustPilot.)

#1: When in Doubt, Make It a Fruit Basket

Are you totally stumped on what to give your friends or loved ones in China? Meet your new best friend – the fruit basket.

Fruit is one of the most beloved and universal gifts in China. It’s also the number one gift idea among my own family members in China. We always give fruit when we’re visiting someone for a special occasion, or seeing someone in the hospital, or even just want to show we care. Everyone loves fresh fruit, from grandma right down to my four-year-old niece.

You’ll never have to wonder if it’s the right gift. And even better, you can send the fruit basket as a gift to the whole family.

#2: Think Fine, Imported Wines

Did you know China is the world’s top consumer of red wine and the world’s largest wine market? Even my husband’s family traditionally drinks a little red wine on holidays and special occasions. But if it’s an imported wine, you’re sure to make a great impression.

So why not send a fine, imported wine in your gift basket? Reds, whites and even champagne will surely please any of your Chinese family, friends or loved ones, no matter where they live.

#3: Don’t Forget Decadent Imported Chocolates and Cookies for Younger Folks

My online supermarket here in China – which caters to young, middle-class Chinese – has an entire virtual aisle loaded with imported chocolates and cookies. I’ve watched them sell out of mouthwatering French truffles and Belgian darks in a flash, which tells me they’re a perennial favorite among the younger set in China. And like wines, imported is always better.

If you’re buying for younger, middle-class and urban Chinese, consider including imported chocolates and cookies in your gift basket.

#4: Pay Attention to Packaging

Yes, the thought does count (as my dad has always reminded me). But in China, so does the packaging.

It wasn’t until I came to China that I realized how elaborate packaging could actually be (in the most extreme cases, it even overshadows the actual gift). That’s because people care a LOT about presentation for their gifts. How the gift appears says as much about you as the gift itself.

That’s right – your slap-dash home wrapping jobs (where you end up wasting an entire roll of scotch tape on one present) just won’t do here.

Instead, always get it boxed or presented in a nice basket. Red and gold is the traditional good-luck color combo, but honestly, any colors will work as long as the packaging is attractive.

What are your tips for buying gift baskets and fruit baskets for your Chinese family and loved ones?

Want to send a gift basket now — and save 5% off your order? Head on over to Gift Basket Overseas.

AMWF TEDx Talk on Why Asian Male/Western Female Couples Are Rare

Wang Jia, who blogs about culture, race and relationships at WhyAMWF.wordpress.com, has just uploaded his TEDx Erasmus talk titled “Western Women, Eastern Men” online and asked me to share it with you. Here’s the scoop:

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Originally from Beijing, Wang Jia has lived in The Netherlands and Germany for 15 years. He always wondered why it is rare to see AMWF couples. Only a year ago, he started to look into this topic seriously. He holds a Ph.D in chemical engineering from TU Delft, the Netherlands. (That probably helped him in structuring his thoughts and research.) As he has a passion for public speaking and communicating ideas that will influence people’s lives, becoming a TEDx speaker became one of his dreams. [FYI for people new to TEDx:]

What is TEDx?

The TEDx Program is designed to help communities, organizations and individuals to spark conversation and connection through local TED-like experiences.

At TEDx events, a screening of TED Talks videos — or a combination of live presenters and TED Talks videos — sparks deep conversation and connections at the local level. TEDx events are planned and coordinated independently, under a free license granted by TED.

He wanted more people be aware of the AMWF topic through the TEDx speech. On 24th Oct 2015 he realized this dream, delivering a speech titled “Western Women, Eastern Men” for TEDx Erasmus University (you can also view the talk on Youku). Do you think this speech can make a high impact?

Those 11 minutes were a fantastic experience for Wang Jia. He never felt so good under the spotlight.

TEDx speakers 2

In the speech, Wang Jia drew on his personal experience to explain the reasons behind the West-East relationship imbalance. It’s a lighthearted speech that will leave you with a smile. For anyone who is struggling with the West-East relationship barriers, don’t miss it.

So what happened with Wang‘s dating life? It’s a surprise and not a disappointment.

Wang couple 2

Wang Jia finally formed his own AMWF relationship and still lives in the Netherlands. If you’d like to learn more about his insights into culture, race and relationships, visit his blog: whyamwf.wordpress.com

“Crazy Ex-Girlfriend”: 3 Reasons You Should Watch this New TV Series

A year ago we all mourned the loss of Selfie and its revolutionary casting of John Cho as Henry Higgs, wondering if we’d ever see another Asian American man as the object of her affections.

If only I’d known that Crazy Ex-Girlfriend would parade into this Fall’s American TV lineup and pretty much steal the show, featuring a white woman (played by Rachel Bloom) so obsessed with an Asian hottie (played by Vincent Rodriguez III) that she ditches her New York life to follow him to California (West Covina, to be exact).

It’s such a fresh, fun show for television. And even better, there are great arguments for why anyone reading this blog needs to watch (if you aren’t already). Here are my top three reasons you should check out Crazy Ex-Girlfriend:

#1: Crazy Ex-Girlfriend “Always Wanted the Male Lead to Be Asian”

Rachel Bloom and Vincent Rodriguez III from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend
Rachel Bloom and Vincent Rodriguez III from “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend”

That’s right – from the beginning, the show’s creators intended to cast an Asian man as the romantic lead:

Since Crazy Ex-Girlfriend is set in the San Gabriel Valley, they wanted to make sure the lead and background actors represented the culture. “We always wanted the male lead to be Asian because I grew up with Asian bros, and I hadn’t seen that represented on TV.” Rodriguez, who plays her object of obsession/affection, is Filipino.

In a world where we’re pushing for more diverse casting on TV and in the movies, this is outstanding – and totally different from Selfie. According to NPR Codeswitch, “John Cho wasn’t supposed to star in the My Fair Lady-like ABC sitcom Selfie.”

While we’re at it, given that creator and star Rachel Bloom is white herself, that means she meant to have an AMWF attraction (or, more aptly, obsession) in the show. How cool is that?

#2: For the First Time, an Asian American Guy Is Clearly the TV Heartthrob

Vincent Rodriguez III and Rachel Bloom from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

Philip of You Offend Me, You Offend My Family tipped me off to this fantastic reason to watch Crazy Ex-Girlfriend:

Yes, the romantic male lead is an Asian American dude. And while rare, we have seen this before—most recently, in last year’s short-lived ABC comedy Selfie where John Cho was the male romantic lead to Karen Gillan–but here’s where Crazy Ex-Girlfriend takes that trope one step further and turns it into something I don’t think has ever existed on a prime-time broadcast network series before: the Asian American guy is the undisputed objection of affection for the white female lead. [emphasis added]

As progressive as a show like Selfie was, the premise is still based on the traditional love-hate relationship between the main guy and girl. Yes, you know the two leads are meant for each other and will eventually get together, but there’s a lot of back-and-forth in regards to how they feel about each other. With Bloom’s character in Crazy Ex-Boyfriend, there is no ambiguity. She is completely obsessed with Josh Chan—he is presented as the epitome of the “perfect” male specimen and she will do anything to win him over.

Josh is Andrew McCarthy in Pretty in Pink—the cool, sophisticated guy that Molly Ringwald has a crush on, but thinks he’s too good for her. When was the last time you saw an Asian American guy playing that role? We’re lucky if he even gets to be Jon Cryer’s Ducky (and yes, there is a Ducky equivalent on the show, but he’s the white guy).

Exactly.

Take a look at this pic of Vincent Rodriguez III. Doesn’t he remind you of that ultimate college hottie? You know, the one all the girls drooled over?

Vincent Rodriguez III from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

And if you’re still not convinced, then you must watch this clip where he stars as his own boy band. Justin Timberlake, eat your heart out.

#3: TV Critics Totally Love Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

Here’s another area where the show excels over Selfie – the critics think Crazy Ex-Girlfriend is actually good TV.

The New York Times applauded the series, saying, “…this is a show about willing yourself, even past reason, to hope. Amid an overly cautious fall crop of network series, it could just be crazy enough to work.”

TV Worth Watching gave Crazy Ex-Girlfriend an A-minus, and said:

The situations and characters aren’t entirely novel to be sure. But Crazy Ex-Girlfriend’s vibrant premiere episode nonetheless is able to make the sale…. Crazy Ex-Girlfriend romps and rolls without really missing a beat.

In fact, TV Worth Watching’s founder David Bianculli named Crazy Ex-Girlfriend as one of Bianculli’s Best Bets, adding, “If you found, and stayed with, last week’s series premiere, you’ve already seen one of the fall’s best new series.”

Vulture.com calls Crazy-Ex Girlfriend “Crazy Good” and writes:

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend is that glorious anomaly, a welcome surprise. There’s a running gag in which our heroine Rebecca hears an “I’m in love” bar from South Pacific‘s “I’m in Love With a Wonderful Guy.” I hear it, too…. It’s funny and sharp and perceptive, with an emotional depth and magical attitude that reminds me of other outlier shows like Wonderfalls and Ugly Betty.

Frazier Moore of the Associated Press has great expectations for the series:

IF this series can sustain the infectious abandon of its pilot, and IF it can continue to do justice to the rapturous Rachel Bloom (its star and executive producer), THEN “Crazy” will be the fall’s big crazy breakout hit.

This show has a 96 percent certified fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes from the critics, plus an 86 percent approval rating from viewers, proving the public loves it too. And if you dare to watch (especially the hilarious and spot-on “Sexy Getting Ready Song”), I can almost guarantee you’re going to become a fan too.

OMG, I just laughed so hard I spit out my green tea. 😉 Seriously, though, you must watch this show!

P.S.: If you still can’t read enough about Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, read this terrific article Vincent Rodriguez III: On facing challenges as an Asian American actor and scoring a lead role in CW’s ‘Crazy Ex-Girlfriend’

Things I’ve Learned from my Chinese Husband: Single’s Day (China’s Version of Black Friday) Can Be Cool

Christmas in China

My heart pounded as if it was only a few minutes to midnight on New Year’s Eve. Yet my only resolution revolved around the little black and white mobile phone in my hands and its Alibaba online shopping cart. Every single item in that cart represented hours of online “research”, scouring through reviews, search results and an often dizzying array of products with all of the seriousness prepping for finals. My husband and I took turns combing through Alibaba’s Tmall marketplace. Then we discussed strategy. Should we go for everything at once? Would pressing the purchase button at midnight – putting us virtually neck and neck with millions of online shoppers at the same moment – lock us out? What were my chances of snagging that 100 percent wool Metersbonwe red sweater with only two in my size?

Of course, in these last few minutes to the big moment, I couldn’t help but giggle at the ridiculousness of it all. I was on the cusp of spending my way into the world’s biggest shopping day ever – me, the woman who had always sworn off Black Friday.

Ah Black Friday, how I loathed you – and scorned the people who dared to chase after your bargains. I always pointed to news stories of nameless Black Friday shoppers fighting over flat-screen TVs or Elmo dolls as proof of everything wrong with the holiday. See, that’s what you get when you go elbow to elbow with millions of shoppers at once.

(Famous last words.)

So what changed? What lured me into the dark side of holiday retail hoopla? One word: Taobao.

It’s China’s answer to eBay and Amazon, but on steroids. Even better, Taobao rolled out its own virtual mall in 2008, packed with official stores for every single brand I’ve ever loved in China and beyond – from Adidas to Zara. It’s all just a click away, and they ship straight to your door. Tmall fast became our best friend after we moved back to China in late 2013 for a very simple reason – we were based out in the countryside, without a car or any convenient means for getting to the supermarket. Tmall supermarket purchases over around US$14 came with free delivery, they were cheaper than the nearest supermarket in the county, and everything could arrive at your door in less than 24 hours. Even better, I could do it all from the comfort of my own bed (in my pajamas, of course). What’s not to love?

However, it wasn’t just Taobao that pushed me over the (retail) edge…it was also my husband. John is totally enamored with all things Taobao and online shopping – even more than me. Whenever I’m in need of anything here, his first response is always, “Let’s buy it online.” He considers the Tmall supermarket and its insanely fast delivery straight to your door as proof of just how magical China really is.

So when Tmall started promoting Double 11 (that’s Single’s Day to the rest of you) as China’s answer to Black Friday, John wanted in. He figured, why not make a few purchases that day? There are plenty of things we really need – like those vitamins we always buy online – and if we bought on Double 11, we might get a few good deals.

Of course, as much as I liked Tmall, I had my doubts. After all, I’d heard the reports of Double 11 shopping woes. Getting locked out of the system. Hot items that sold out within minutes. Waiting for weeks for stuff to arrive from overburdened express delivery companies. I asked John, “What if I can’t buy the down jacket I so desperately need, all because I didn’t press “buy” fast enough?”

He flashed me a reassuring smile. “Don’t worry. Just think of it as something for fun. And if we can’t get it, we’ll find you one later, I promise.”

Fun? The idea never even crossed my mind. And even though those images of Black Friday in the news looked nothing even close to fun, I had to remember that this was, after all, online shopping in the comfort of our home. We could do it from our mobile phones, dressed in our comfy robes and pajamas. That had to count for something.

Beyond all expectations, I found myself saying in return, “Okay, why not?”

That one simple statement set in motion all of those weeks of preparation leading up to those adrenaline filled final moments before midnight of November 11, where I couldn’t even help laughing at the ridiculousness of it all. Of how I had changed so much. Of how utterly silly I must have looked hunched over a mobile phone in my pajamas and that flowery salmon pink robe.

In the end, we managed to get everything on our list – even the soft 100 percent wool sweater that I swore would be impossible to buy. But maybe the best deal of all was a new perspective on holiday shopping.

So go ahead, call me contradictory. You still couldn’t get me to do Black Friday, but I’d gladly go for Double 11/ China’s Single’s Day. Maybe it’s Taobao, maybe it’s my husband, maybe it’s both. But whatever it is, my holiday shopping season will never be the same.

How do you feel about holiday shopping?

Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award Q&A + My Nominees

Sisterhood-ImageI’m honored that Crystal of Foreign Indian Wife nominated me for a Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award! Crystal runs a lovely blog, sharing her experiences in Delhi, India as she navigates life as the American wife of an Indian man. My favorite post from her blog is India Has Changed Me – this piece will resonate with anyone who has ever spent time abroad.

Crystal asked me questions, and I have answers:

What inspired you to blog?

Initially I started blogging way back when a university professor suggested sharing some of my adventures in China on the web. My husband has also been a huge source of inspiration, always supporting me to continue writing and blogging.

What is the most rewarding experience about sharing your life with readers?

Realizing you’re not alone in your experiences.

What is the most important piece of advice you could offer someone?

Be mindful as you live your life.

Ideally, what would your life be like 5 years from now?

Gosh, I haven’t really thought that far ahead! I’m just trying to work on getting through this year and the next one. 😉 I will say I’d like to be more mindful and appreciative of the simple joys in life.

What was/is your most difficult challenge in life, and how did/do you overcome it?

One of my most difficult challenges was losing my mother to cancer at the age of 17 (which I wrote about recently for the Wall Street Journal). I don’t know that it was something I “overcame” – it was more an issue of learning to accept what was and move forward with courage in my heart. I think what really helped me was learning to cultivate my own spiritual beliefs, where I could envision my mother as still a part of my life even though she had passed on from the physical world.

Would you say that your experiences have made you a better person?

Yes!

What brings you the most happiness?

Going for walks in out in nature.

Who inspires you the most?

My husband.

The journey tends to change all of us, in good and bad ways. What about yourself would you like to improve?

My perfectionism (which probably only proves that I’m a perfectionist at heart, ha!). Seriously though, the more I’ve let go of expectations to be perfect about everything, the happier I am in life.

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Crystal already nominated two of my favorite bloggers – Texan in Tokyo and Madh Mama, who both inspire me endlessly. I’d like to nominate the following bloggers for this award (listed in reverse alphabetical order, with a link to one of my favorite posts on their blog):

Here are the questions I’d love for the folks I’ve nominated to answer. (Feel free to answer as many as you would like.):

  1. How did you come up with the name for your blog?
  2. What do you find most challenging about blogging?
  3. What do you do when you aren’t working on your blog?
  4. Everyone has a favorite post. Name yours and tell us why it is your favorite.
  5. What do you consider the best part of your day?
  6. Could you share with us a beautiful moment or experience you had recently?
  7. Tell me about your proudest achievement.
  8. What is the biggest difference in your life post-blogging?
  9. Share with us one of your favorite books, and why you like it.
  10. What do you think would make the world a better place?

For those nominees who don’t have the time to respond to this award, no worries! Just know that your blog has touched me in some way and I wanted to honor you for that.

Did The Walking Dead’s Glenn Really Die? On the Loss of a Great Asian Male TV Character

394490-the-walking-dead-glenn-and-maggieA week ago, I watched a collective gasp ripple across Twitter when real tragedy struck on The Walking Dead – when the impossible, the one thing that all of us insisted the show could never, ever, do did in fact happen.

Glenn died.

And not just any death – it was a bloody, brutal, horrible demise.

Now, I don’t watch The Walking Dead personally. (I’m super-sensitive to violence and would probably end up with some gruesome zombie nightmares!) But a part of me has always depended on Glenn’s existence in the TV landscape. As I wrote before in my post Why The Walking Dead’s Glenn is the best Asian male character on TV today — and must not die!:

Steven Yeun, playing Glenn, is doing more to smash stereotypes about Asian men than any other actor on TV today….

Steven Yeun as Glenn on “The Walking Dead” – the most-watched drama series ever broadcast on American cable – proves that when you let Asian men step outside of the stereotypes to play great characters who are fascinating, nuanced and real to life, the public will watch.

That’s why we need Steven Yeun out there, playing Glenn to the very end of “The Walking Dead.” That’s why Glenn cannot die! You’re not just killing the heart and soul of the show; you’re killing, as YOMYOMF calls him, the “Most Interesting Asian Male Character on American Television.”

The question remains, now that Steven Yeun’s character has apparently been killed off (I say “apparently” because there’s still speculation that maybe, just maybe, Glenn’s not really dead), how should we feel about this?

Honestly, I’ve been in shock over this. Total shock.

It’s not just a matter of one less Asian actor on television. Glenn was one of the most outstanding characters I’ve ever known an Asian man to play on American television – which means his death creates a loss. Granted, we are seeing more groundbreaking Asian male characters on the screen than before. Still, I don’t of another character out there played by an Asian man with the depth, complexity and nuance of Glenn, not to mention the popularity. He was so beloved on The Walking Dead (affectionately called “Saint Glenn” by some), the true heart and soul of the program.

(I have to wonder, how many people will stop watching The Walking Dead because Glenn is gone?)

In the end, if we’ll never see Glenn again on The Walking Dead, then I have two hopes for American television. One, that we’ll see more of Steven Yeun in yet another unstereotypical, complex and fascinating role on the screen. And two, that Hollywood will do more diverse casting to give us many more characters like Glenn on television.

If you’re a fan of Steven Yeun as Glenn on The Walking Dead, how do you feel about this development in the show?

From the Archives: Thinking of My Grandma Here in China

Hanging out with John's grandmother at the front door of the family house.
Hanging out with John’s grandmother at the front door of the family house.

It has been one whirlwind week with way too much going on — including the discovery that my grandmother here in China isn’t feeling well.

She has a heart condition (which put her in the hospital multiple times in 2013 and early 2014). While she’s doing much better this year, she hasn’t been sleeping well recently, and the result is she may be returning to the hospital today.

Since I’m taking a break from posting today, I wanted to honor my grandmother by sharing several posts I’ve written about my close relationship with her. It’s funny — I still can only hold simple conversations with her (she only speaks the local dialect) and yet I sense the deep love between us.

Here’s hoping she gets well soon.

My Chinese Grandma, Frying Up Rice Noodles — And Lots of Love. Grandma has never hugged or kissed me, nor told me she loves me. But these days — and especially after this impromptu dinner — I’ve never felt closer to her.

To learn dialect or not? When your Chinese family doesn’t speak Mandarin Chinese. You should have seen the way John’s Grandma beamed at me when I opened her door and finally called her “Abu!” It warmed my soul to know that we were finally communicating for the first time in years.

Ask the Yangxifu: Why Does My Chinese Family Refuse My Gifts? Giving gifts to your Chinese family (and even friends) can feel like a battle. Take my Chinese grandmother, for example. When I gave her some American ginseng tablets from the US, she scowled at me and even pushed them away with her hands, saying “I don’t want them, I don’t want them” while she shook her head.

Things I’ve Learned from My Chinese Husband: Not Everyone Does DTR (Defining the Relationship)

Picture 462One of my favorite stories from when John and I started dating is the day when he moved into my apartment without any “should we move in together” conversation.

In America, we all know about the conversation, even if we’ve never had it before. We’ve seen it on TV and in the movies, that pivotal moment when someone says, “Let’s move in together” – a simple question that’s never all that simple. People agonize over this, to the point of proliferating totally conflicting advice (from “You’ve got to move in with him to test things out!” to “If he moves in with you, he’ll never propose!).

Well, we never had that conversation. Instead, I came home one day after work and, lo and behold, there was a duffel bag lying in the guest room of my apartment, filled with a soccer ball, a pair of soccer shoes, and some rather familiar T-shirts. When John returned back later that evening, the conversation went like this:

Me: “Is that your bag?”

John: “Uh, yeah.”

Me: “Oh, okay.”

You might wonder, why did I just answer “okay” and not grill him about furtively depositing his things in my apartment? Well, for starters, I did give him a key to my place and told him to come over whenever he wanted. I figured he just interpreted that more liberally – that “whenever he wanted” could mean all the time. (And, besides, I was under the deep, romantic spell of love, which has a way of clouding your judgment, especially whenever you think of that hot weekend the two of you just enjoyed at your place.)

Years later, when I asked John about this “moving in without a discussion” thing, he had a very simple explanation for it. “Our relationship was already settled. We didn’t need to discuss things like that.”

I discovered that the fact he kissed me beside the West Lake – and later spent the night at my place – qualified as evidence of our relationship as the real deal. We didn’t have to hash out our relationship status over coffee, debating whether we should just “keep it casual” or “make it serious.” In John’s eyes, we were a serious couple.

This was like a revelation to me – that people could actually enter into a relationship, secure in what it was without ever having some big, nervewracking conversation about it.

I’m reminded of a post I saw a few years back on VOA written by a Chinese girl titled Everything You Need to Know about Dating an American and Having the ‘Relationship Talk’:

Why do Americans have these big relationship talks?

Well, there are so many types of relationships in the U.S.: dating, casual dating, relationship, open relationship (this one does not make any sense to me), serious relationship, etc.  It’s easy to see how people could be confused about which stage they are and which stage their partners are….

In China, and I believe in other Asian countries as well, there is only ONE type of relationship.  You are either boyfriend and girlfriend, or pure friends, so there is no chance to be confused.  In other words, when it comes to V-Day [Valentine’s Day], people either have it for sure, or don’t even think of it.  No discussion needed.

It’s fascinating that a relationship could either be really simple and obvious, or incredibly complicated and worthy of long discussions, depending on who you are and the cultural background you grew up with.