Beijing | Speaking of China

Guest Post: When Tradition Gets in the Way of Intercultural Dating

How many of you have ever had tradition or cultural differences get between you and your intercultural relationship? I’ll never forget the handsome guy from Nanjing who couldn’t even date me because his family expected him to marry a Chinese girl. Or the Northern guy who was my boyfriend for less than a month, until he discovered his parents could never accept a foreign girl.

Well, Lena (who blogs and vlogs at Lena Around) had all but given up on finding a mainland Chinese fellow because of all the trouble involved. But then she falls for a fellow she meets in Beijing…and soon discovers that tradition could potentially turn them into two star-crossed lovers.

Do you have a story you’re itching to share here on the blog? Check out the submit a post page to learn more about how to have your words published here.
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I’m not new to this. I’ve been ‘in a relationship’ with China for five years. We have been through good and bad times. We have loved and hated each other but I always come back. I learned something every time. During those years with China I have dated both Mainland Chinese guys, kissed a Taiwanese one, saw an Australian Chinese, made out with a British Chinese and fell hard for a Danish Vietnamese. I’ve been around indeed. Every time I bumped into a guy, I would learn something. I learned that even though they have a handsome Asian face, they don’t act like an Asian guy if they grew up abroad. I wanted Asian culture to be a part of our relationship but it wasn’t. But on the other hand, I also very fast learned that if they had grown up in China, they would be thousands of kilometers away from me when it came to culture and the way we act and think.

After years in China, I’d given up on finding a mainland Chinese guy. There were still cuties around but I knew that the cultural aspect was mafan (trouble) and I was quite sure that our personalities also just wouldn’t suit each other. I’m outgoing, curious and independent and I always saw the Chinese girls as being the opposite so I had settled with the thought of only ‘dating’ China but not the people.

But when I had just settled with that then it happened. He came. I literally bumped into him. I was at this silly speed-dating event because my friend had a crush on the host. I just wanted to make a video and thought, hell yeah, why not? So we went. I sat down at one of the tables and each table had a staff member who told us how to introduce ourselves and play the games. Then he came. The staff member at my table talked to him for a second and then she got up and he sat down besides me. I turned around and played the ‘I’m-just-a-stupid-foreigner-who-doesn’t-understand-anything-card’ and asked about the rules of the game that the other girl had just explained to us a moment earlier. He was patient and told me again. Then I asked about his name because I couldn’t read his characters (that was for real) and I got his Wechat from the girl after he had left the table (yes, sneaky me).

We met up one week later and talked all evening. The same happened the day afterwards and the day after again. I walked around with a big smile on my face all day because of this.

But then the problem came.

After we had said goodnight one evening, he send me a text on Wechat. He said he had something serious to talk to me about. I asked him if he was married. He thought I was joking. I wasn’t because it wasn’t the first time that had happened to me.

He told me then that he was from a very traditional family and he was the only child. His father is very strict and he knew that he had to go home for Chinese New Year to ask his father to accept that he was seeing a foreign girl. I wasn’t sure what to say and it was all just one big mess in my head. He apologized and told me that he was scared too but he also knew that he had to do this.

Because I’m not new to China, I had heard about this situation before so even though my foreign friends laughed at the whole situation (I did a bit too in between the down-moments), I wasn’t really that surprised, just sad because I had a feeling that the father wouldn’t accept this and now I’d finally found somebody who I connected with. Somebody who was fun, chatty, good-looking and smart. He also had a big interest in Chinese history and culture just like me and we could talk for hours about different society issues and historical matter. I didn’t want to let go of this now. It was only the beginning of a beautiful thing, I thought.

Now one month later, I’m still telling myself to not think about it but of course I do because I am an over-thinker and that is what we do. Nobody around me here has tried this before so I can only talk to my guy about it. I call him my boyfriend for now but I know that it might not be for long. He is going back in January so please wish me all the best of luck. I think I need it very much.

Editor’s note: Unfortunately, things did not work out for Lena — his family could not accept her.

Lena is a 20-something Danish girl who is currently working on a master’s degree in Beijing and writing about her travels, China (her favorite place) and love. You can follow her at lenaaround.com.

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Speaking of China is always on the lookout for outstanding guest posts! If you have something you’d like us to feature, visit the submit a post page for details — and then submit yours today.

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Guest Post: I Shouldn’t Be Dating in My Own Country

Going abroad can change you a lot — sometimes, enough to realize you were never meant to date your own countrymen.

That’s the conclusion Lena, the blogger behind Lena Around, has come to, who believes the cultural differences between her and the local Danes are too great for her to go out with them. Read on for her story!

Do you have a surprising story to share or other guest post you’d like to see featured on Speaking of China? Visit the submit a post page to learn how to have your words published here.
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I’ve been at home for a few months now. 2015 was a crazy year. I started out with a broken heart and a lost soul. But there wasn’t much time to think about it because I was going to Australia and then moving onto China. My heart was growing back together during the month in the beautiful nature of Australia, and when I came to China I was getting stronger again. I started to believe a little bit in love or I thought so.

I met a great guy in Beijing and I was determined to move on from past experiences and be happy with this person. He was a great match for me and he loved me just like I am. I should have been happy and I tried. I fought for him for a long time while I kept wishing my heart would open up, but I was afraid. I wasn’t ready to open up yet so I had to move on again.

I travelled through China, Malaysia, Singapore, Korea, Thailand, Laos, Hong Kong and Taiwan, I met loads of amazing new friends and hot fellas I could fall for, but I didn’t. I was just having fun. I told myself it was okay to still be nervous about the pain another person could cause you, so I let it go and travelled on my own discovering, exploring, thinking, learning and growing.

Coming back to Denmark, I was tired. I was just exhausted after 10 months on the road. I’d seen so many things and now it was time to sit down, relax and reflect. But it didn’t take long before my wanderlust came back with even bigger power than before. I felt the need to do something, so I quit my little vacation at my parents’ house and moved back to my university town. I thought to myself that now everything would be nice and I could be happy with friends around.

The problem is just that when you come back from such a long trip, not many people are around anymore. Or if they are, they are doing tons of other things. So I sat there in my new apartment thinking, Why not try Tinder? I’d tried before and it was a fun way to meet nice boys. I’ve got to be honest and say that I was pretty bored, which was probably the reason why I turned to Tinder.

After a few days, I had a match. You see the problem here is that I just do like the Asian look. I’m not saying that I only date Asian guys but I am just quite fond of them. So if I see an Asian-looking guy, I’m just more curious than a blue-eyed, blond-haired tall Dane. But anyway, the match was with a Vietnamese-Chinese guy born and raised in Denmark. I know from experience that this doesn’t mean they have any interest in Asia but I always hope a little bit anyway.

We started talking and the conversation quickly turned to the topic of Asia. I said that I’d been around. I didn’t want to mention all the places because I wouldn’t want to sound like a show-off, but he insisted on me telling. I told him about my last trip and he asked me if I spoke Mandarin. I said yes. He himself had only been to Beijing and Hong Kong for a week like most other tourists and I felt a little disappointed deep inside.

I knew I was comparing him to my first and only great love. He had the same background as this guy. But instead of not giving a s… about China, he was totally in love with China, just like me.

In the end, this guy left me hanging. Twenty minutes before meeting up, he told me he was going to play football instead. I was furious. I told him what an ass he was and deleted his number. Even though he chose to screw things up, I think it was for the best anyway. I should not date around here. My China stories can be pretty overwhelming. I don’t know why this guy didn’t want to meet. Was it because of my greater knowledge of Asia or did he really just want to play football? Who knows?

Now I know that I shouldn’t try to find a guy in this town. With a big population of pale people and no Asian studies at the university, I don’t think there’s much for me here. Also, I’m planning on moving back to Beijing immediately after graduation so why start a relationship here, right? I think it would be better to just deal with the boredom myself, become stronger, and not think too much about boys right now. I’ll just have to wait for my prince charming, who’s probably sitting on a subway in Beijing hoping for my arrival.

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Speaking of China is always on the lookout for outstanding guest posts! If you have something you’d like us to feature, visit the submit a post page for details — and then submit yours today.

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I Was Just on TV in China. Now Watch the Show Online!

China Central Television just broadcast the episode of “Crossover” on Foreign Wives in China that I blogged about last week, and it’s now available for streaming online. Hooray!

So for any of you out there who wonder what I look like and sound like in person, well, here’s the next best thing. You’ll also see the “magical dress” in action and that lovely pair of earrings that the host Eyee Hsu lent me on the set just before we started filming (see my first post on this TV appearance for the full “backstage” story).

Besides me, you’ll also have the opportunity to meet two other amazing yangxifu: Marie Smurthwaite and Jess Meider (who I just featured on the blog).

Click here to stream the show online. And once you’re finished watching, sound off in the comments to let me know what you thought about the show!

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Interview with Jess Meider, One of China’s Best Jazz Vocalists

Earlier this year, I blogged about my experience being filmed for the English-language China Central Television show “Crossover” (NOTE: the show hasn’t aired yet, but I will let you know once it is scheduled).

One of the best things about it? Meeting some other amazingly talented yangxifu (foreign wives of Chinese men) on the set, including Jess Meider. She performed an original song in the studio with her husband, Gao Fang, and I was just astounded by her voice and the music.

So I knew I just had to introduce her to you too.

Here’s the short bio for Jess Meider from her personal website:

Jess has resided in Beijing since moving there from NYC in 1997. A songwriting graduate of Berklee College of Music, she has been gracing stages all over China with her amazing voice in various musical projects. If you’ve lived for any length of time in Beijing, you’ve likely seen Jess perform in her jazz quartet or in her singer-songwriter act. Most recently she has been performing in the electronic duo Jess Meider featuring Chinatown. Jess is one of China’s best jazz vocalists, and has spent almost half of her life practicing the art of performance in music festivals, and in Beijing and Shanghai’s most popular live music venues.

Here’s a short list of cool things about Jess:

She performed jazz in the VIP Beijing Olympics venue for the Olympians
She ‘starred’ in a movie with Andy Lau and Gong Li, and two of her jazz original tracks are featured in the movie (“Kiss” and “Now is the time”) “What Women Want” 2010
She was featured on a track for Cui Jian’s movie “Blue Sky Bones”
Her voice has been aired all over China in ads for Audi, in Japan for Godiva, and most recently, will be worldwide for Durex Condoms
She has sung for VIP Events all over China
She has performed with Gong Lin Na (famous Chinese singer) at the Forbidden City Concert Hall
She is a featured writer in her Berklee songwriting mentor’s book, Songwriting Without Boundaries by Pat Pattison.

You can purchase her music on iTunes and Amazon.com, follow her on Youtube and Facebook, and learn more about her at Jessmeider.com. If you’re in Beijing, you can check out Jess Meider’s Birthday Show at DDC Club on September 17 at 9pm:

In this interview, I asked Jess about everything from her path to China to her music to how she and her husband Gao Fang collaborate together.

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How did you end up in China?

Fate. (YUAN) there is just no other explanation. I had never expressed any interest or wishes to travel to China. In 1997, I was living and working in NYC, and a guy I was seeing went off to Beijing. I immediately took interest and had to go have a look. I was stunned by the differences; I felt as though I’d landed on the moon. China is sensational – the smells, the tastes, the language, the history, the culture. I spent two months there and was hooked. It was the first time I’d ever left the country. I moved back in early 1998. It was incredibly inspiring and challenging on all levels.

You once told me that China helped you realize your career as a singer and musician. Could you talk more about that?

Of course! I graduated from Berklee College of Music, and upon moving to Beijing in 1997, I had privy to live stages to perform my singer-songwriter music. NYC is packed with amazing musicians, so gigging there requires a lot of persistence to get on stage, and if you’re unpracticed, as I was back then, the chance to get back on the stage after a show was much more challenging. Beijing’s music scene was brand new; it offered me countless opportunities to practice the art of performing. As one could imagine, the jazz scene was teeny tiny, and there were practically no jazz vocalists. Any jazz musician knows how much practice is involved before you can really get up on a stage. I was able to practice singing jazz for modest earnings. It was really a great experience (and still is, eighteen years later). I remember my first jazz performance…my friend took me to the San Wei Bookstore, which hosted music almost every night. David Moser, a pianist, asked me if I could sing “Night and Day.” At the time, I was quite nervous that I wouldn’t be able to remember the lyrics. He put his hand on my shoulder and said, “Look at the audience, Jessica…Do you think they’ll even notice if the lyrics are wrong?” I smiled, relaxed, and sang.

I recently read that I am “known as one of China’s best jazz vocalists,” which is a nice thing to read…and fortunately for China, I am not the only jazz vocalist in China.

I was also privy to the stage at the Keep In Touch. The owner let me get on stage every week to play my original material. This was a great gift to my performance confidence. Even when I was fucking up, people were forgiving, and I would talk my way back to the beginning of a verse when I forgot a lyric (I’m rolling my eyes now, but then, it really was entertaining to the half Chinese, half foreign audiences).

Your husband is also a musician. Talk about how you met each other, and how you’ve collaborated on music over the years.

I first met my husband, Gao Fang in 2004, in another lifetime. It was brief and my Mandarin was limited, so we couldn’t really connect. In 2009 I needed a bassist for the release of my 4th album, Divine. Someone suggested him. It wasn’t until I formed my rock trio, The Heavenly Stems in 2011, that I found out that Gao Fang (pronounced F-ahng) was a talented guitarist and brilliant composer.

After a few months, we were together, engaged, married, and now have an almost 3 year old daughter.

We now have a new electronic-ish project, billed under my name, Jess Meider. The album “Chinatown” will be coming out at the end of September. Soon after the birth of our daughter, Gao Fang began composing well-crafted electronic pieces. I wrote the lyrics based on the stages of raising our daughter, from birth to present. Last year in 2014, we began performing the material. It’s just him and I on stage, which is a real treat, because the focus of the audience is more on the music; my vocals and Gao Fang’s layers of guitars. You can have a sneak peak selfie video of a song entitled “Light” and our wonderful song, “Cozy,” shot by the brilliant Maysha Lin.

How would you describe your music?

I think just to be complete, I’ll describe a few of the projects that I’ve done:
My songwriter material is very auto-biographical. Lately, I have not been performing this music. I have always felt comfortable sharing my life experiences, as we all are in this life together, and every little bit helps. My songwriter music is helpful. I have received much feedback about these two albums, Jess Meider Songwriter and Divine, saying it’s very cathartic, healing, soothing. Fans play it to lull their babies to sleep. Friends listen and feel comforted.

My jazz is jazzy. It’s listenable and interesting. My favorite track off of Dao is “Now is the Time,” a piece I wrote based on the Hafiz poem “Now is the Time.” The title track, “Dao” was written by Moreno Donadel, the Italian jazz pianist I’ve been playing with since 1998. I wrote the lyrics and the song is just a wonderful walk through the steps of the practice of the “Dao.”

This electronic music we’re producing now is intelligent and very comfortable (舒服SHOO-FOO) on the ears; all of the lyrics are positive and fun. It’s danceable. Kids and adults love it. I highly recommend it.

You’ve released 4 albums in China and are releasing your latest one this fall. How does your upcoming album compare to your past work?

I’ve self-released 4 albums. Candy (2000), Songwriter (2008), Dao (2009) and Divine (2009). Chinatown will be released in the fall of this year (2015). The new stuff is exactly the kind of music I’ve always wanted to write, but didn’t have the programming savvy to write it. Because Gao Fang composed, arranged and programmed all of the new material, it has the groove of electronic but the allure of a intelligent musical composition. It has deliberate melodies carved into really comfortable beats. Gao Fang’s layers of guitars are memorable, and my vocals are like a hip icing on a cake.

Are there any other exciting music-related projects you’re working on that you’d like to share with us?

Other plans include making videos for the Chinatown album, applying for music festivals abroad, and of course, writing new material. I would really like to travel using Chinatown as a vehicle!

In terms of the future, you’ve said you plan to remain with your family in Beijing. Why?

Well, aside from the sometimes acute pollution, I love Beijing. The culture, the language, the history, the food, oh god, the food…Chinese really know what they’re doing culinarily. It’s been my home for 18 years, and my husband is a Beijinger. I can’t possibly imagine leaving Beijing to live somewhere else, and believe me, on bad pollution days, I’ve tried. My Chinese Medicine Doctor (TCM) actually said to me once, “Jess, you can’t leave Beijing, it’s already been so long; your “life artery” (ren mai人脉）is here.

I am also fascinated with Chinese Medicine and the motto “Shun Qi Zi Ran,” which means, “follow the natural path.” I’ve been regularly seeing a Chinese Medicine doctor for 4 years now, and have recovered from most of my “chronic” ailments because I’m repairing my “qi” roadways (meridians). I’ve been keeping a blog about my experiences. I compare Western ‘health’ culture/mindset with the reality of Chinese Medicine. It’s really incredible. I feel like there is so much that I can write about, that at times, I just don’t have the power to voice it all. I continue to try.

Beijing and I are long term…I do think that there are possibilities in the future to have real estate in other parts of the world, but I will always have a home in Beijing.

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Thanks so much to Jess Meider for this interview! Remember, you can purchase her music on iTunes and Amazon.com, follow her on Youtube and Facebook, and learn more about her at Jessmeider.com (where you’ll find her bio, music, videos, and blogs about traditional Chinese medicine, yoga and having a child). And if you’re in Beijing, check out Jess Meider’s Birthday Show on September 17 at 9pm at the DDC Club (50 RMB cover charge).

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People Who Feel Like They Own the Opposite Sex of Their Race and Culture

mmexport1439450389962 — This photo of a marriage registration in Beijing was taken two days before the woman was stabbed to death by a Chinese man who hated Americans. I wondered, did he mean “American men” by that, and was he another example of someone who thinks they own the opposite sex of their own race/culture?

It’s funny how things in life mysteriously collide – that two seemingly unrelated events I’ve heard about recently actually have something in common. Specifically, the concept of people who feel like they own the opposite sex of their race or culture.

The first is the stabbing murder of an innocent Chinese woman in Beijing just married to a French man, a confirmed hate crime prompting my recent post, Is Beijing Becoming Dangerous for Couples of Foreign Men and Chinese Women?

In the discussion in the comments section, I noticed that people started linking this murder to the idea of people who feel like they own the opposite sex of their race/culture. See this comment from A. Madhavan:

I can’t help but notice the deep misogyny in this murder – many times when we date out of our race/nationality, men of our race will try to “claim” us and shame us for dating/marrying outside of it. As if we are pieces of property and only belong to them. I have seen this happen with white men to white women; black men to black women; Indian men to Indian woman – how dare a [sic] we women marry outside her race and have complete autonomy over our decisions? It is threatening to A LOT of people…

And this comment from R Zhao:

This sometimes happens in America, too. It happened to me when I was dating a black American man. I was accused by a small group of black women (who I didn’t know) of “taking one of theirs.” I didn’t realize it at the time, but I think there is a lot of frustration. Black women face a lot of discrimination while dating and have a significant smaller dating pool than white women do because of cross-race dating preferences. This happens to Asian men as well.

To be sure, there is a shortage of women here in China because of the gender imbalance, leading to a growing population of unmarried bachelors in China’s countryside known as “bare branches”. According to this article from Tea Leaf Nation, “an estimated 12 to 15 percent of Chinese men — a population nearly the size of Texas — will be unable to find a mate within the next seven years.” Personally, I’ve even heard Chinese men who lament that China is “exporting” far too many of its women overseas.

The Shanghaiist confirms in a recent story that the Sanlitun killer “said he ‘hated Americans’ before attacking Chinese-French couple in Beijing,” specifically asking the woman’s husband if he was an American before stabbing him and his wife. And while it’s never explicitly stated, I can’t help but wonder, does this man represent the anger and frustration of millions who feel a certain entitlement to Chinese women over foreigners because of the shrinking dating pool?

Obviously, this is an incredibly complicated and potentially delicate issue, depending on who you are and whether you’re one of the folks facing a more limited dating pool simply because of your race and/or culture.

What’s your take on this? What do you think about the idea of people who think they own the opposite sex of their own race/culture? Is it ever justified? Sound off in the comments.

UPDATE: I’ve edited this post because that some of the content was inappropriate and insensitive towards the Jewish community. I made some poor choices in what I had written and failed to consider how my words might actually come across to readers (including the individuals I had specifically mentioned in this post). I want to apologize for this mistake.

Thank you to those people who were courageous enough to reach out to me to point out the errors in the original content. I wanted to append this apology to let you know I’ve learned a tremendous lesson in the importance of being sensitive about how groups of people are portrayed on this blog, as well as what should and should not be quoted in posts.

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Is Beijing Becoming Dangerous for Couples of Foreign Men and Chinese Women?

This past Thursday, when I awoke to news of the disastrous Tianjin factory explosion, I didn’t think things could get any worse.

Then I saw this photo in a WeChat group I belong to, where one of the women recounted her horrifying discovery of a bloodied Chinese woman, stabbed to death by a katana sword, while passing through Beijing’s popular Sanlitun neighborhood.

Did you happen to notice the white foreign man hovering over her? Here’s another photo from the scene – you can’t miss his blood-soaked T-shirt.

I saw this on Twitter:

A friend knows the Sanlitun victim: She’s a tattoo artist who just a few days ago was married to her French husband~

— RF Parsley (@sanverde) August 13, 2015

Here’s the story on Beijing Cream.

Then a friend on WeChat said, “There have been a lot of random beatings of foreign men with Chinese women in Gongti [District in Beijing] and Wudaokou [District in Beijing]. I wonder if [it is] connected or not.”

I immediately typed in the words “foreign men Chinese women wudaokou” into my Internet browser, and sure enough, the evidence surfaced – especially a story on The World of Chinese titled Group accused of attacking foreigners arrested, which notes several attacks where the victims were foreign men walking with Chinese women (or, in one case, a Korean woman who appeared Chinese to attackers).

Whoa.

Still, it’s one thing to beat someone, and another to stab someone to death.

The following day, I discovered this Tweet (via an updated version of the story at Beijing Cream):

@prchovanec @zhongnanhai Victim was friend’s friend’s fiancee. Motivation was apparently nationalist — “Chinese who sleep w/ 老外 should die.”

— Jordan Phillips (@jordanp) August 14, 2015

Note that “老外” is the Chinese term for foreigners (in this case, foreign men) — confirming this as a hate crime.

So, is Beijing becoming a more dangerous place for these couples? Is this the natural escalation of “foreigners behaving badly” in China? (You know, guys like Chinabounder, or these other high-profile cases of foreign men doing some really despicable things to Chinese women in public.) What do you think?

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Man Seeks AMWF Couples in Beijing in Research for TEDx Speech

Wang Jia, an avid supporter of the AMWF community with a special project of his own, asked me to pass this on:

Wang Jia is married to a German lady and lives in Holland. He is interested in AMWF relationships. And he wants to make a wider impact through a TEDx speech on this topic. Originally from Beijing, he has spent last 14 years in Europe.

He would love to get in touch with anyone who has been in AMWF relationships or with a good understanding of cross-cultural/racial relationships. He is going to visit Beijing for a short holiday in September (likely 9th – 23rd) and possibly a chance to discuss f2f with anyone in Beijing.

Some of the questions he is still collecting information:
– There can be quite some differences between Western cultures, what’s the impact on AMWF?
– Any reliable statistics from Europe or China/Asia on AMWF vs AWWM?
– What’s the best advice for those who would like to form AMWF relationships but struggle a lot?

Email: [email protected] (you can use English, Chinese or German)

If you’re in Beijing and interested in talking with Wang Jia about AMWF relationships, contact him via e-mail.

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Photo Essay: I’m Going to Be on CCTV (China Central Television)!

I still can’t believe I’m writing these words — I’m going to be on CCTV (that’s China Central Television)! Specifically, the CCTV English language show called “Crossover” (it’s a cross-cultural talk show — our episode is titled “foreign wives in China”) which will air sometime in August or September of this year. (I’ll let you know when.)

Back in March, Zhou Lei (the show’s director) introduced herself to me after my appearance at the Beijing Bookworm Literary Festival. She told me she was a fan of my blog and asked if I might be interested in being on CCTV.

Wow.

Having spent so many years in China, I know CCTV — and have loved many of their shows. Plus, it’s CCTV! The thought of being on China’s biggest and most important television network sent waves of excitement through my body. So I didn’t hesitate — I said, “Yes, I’d love to!”

In May, I took part in a pre-interview session via Skype with Zhou Lei and Eyee Hsu, the co-host of “Crossover”. Later that week, Zhou Lei sent me an e-mail officially inviting me to Beijing to film a show on May 27 — and offering to cover my travel and hotel costs. (Double wow!) Who could say no to that?

With the invitation in hand, I started thinking about one of the most basic questions — what to wear? Since I didn’t have anything good for TV (and I live in a country where my size, while typical in America, is impossible to buy) I decided to find a tailor who could create the perfect dress for me. With the help of my one of my husband’s close college friends, we discovered this brilliant tailor in the Hangzhou area — she created this lovely little qipao that I dubbed “the magic dress”! I gasped the moment I first laid eyes on it — I just knew it would give me extra confidence in front of the cameras.

Zhou Lei also sent me an outline about a week ahead of taping the show. That’s when I discovered I would be sharing the spotlight with two incredibly talented young foreign women with Chinese husbands — Jess Meider (an amazing musician, performer, composer and teacher who has made her mark in Beijing as an outstanding jazz vocalist and singer-songwriter) and Marie Smurthwaite (a talented performer and member of a girl group called “5 Spice”). Even better, we were able to connect on WeChat before the program, so I got the chance to know them a little before going on stage.

I was thrilled to be on stage with two talented young women with Chinese husbands -- Jess Meider (left) and Marie Smurthwaite. — I was thrilled to be on stage with two talented young women with Chinese husbands — Jess Meider (left) and Marie Smurthwaite.

Finally, this past Tuesday, I boarded an Air China flight bound for Beijing — feeling thrilled and a little nervous at the same time! (It was my first time on TV, can you blame me?)

I arrived in Beijing Tuesday afternoon and it was dark by the time I emerged from the subway station closest to my hotel. When I walked out, the CCTV Headquarters stretched across the sky, shining like a promise of great things to come.

Zhou Lei had generously checked me into my hotel, the Chaoyang Hotel, ahead of time (thank you so much!) so it was a breeze getting into my room for the night. I spent most of the evening reading through the outline and thinking about how I might answer the questions during our conversation.

The following day, I arrived at the South Gate of CCTV Headquarters at 1pm. The building glinted in the sunshine while I tried not to sweat too much (it was a hot, balmy day — 35 degrees Celsius or 95 degrees Fahrenheit)!

They run tight security at CCTV — and why wouldn’t they? It’s one of the most important buildings in Beijing, if not China. Everyone needs an escort inside and must pass through more than one screening. Fortunately, I ran into Jess Meider at the entrance so the two of us could walk inside together (along with our escort, Jeff Lau). I loved Jess instantly!

The staff brought us into the makeup room, where we were joined by Marie (who I also loved!). I was so grateful that the show’s makeup artists were able to help us with our makeup (I’ve never been skilled in that department!) and hair. Marie also graciously lent me her extra pair of high-heeled shoes, which matched my dress far better than my own pair. Thank you, Marie!

The fabulous makeup artists who made us all look beautiful!

Then it was time to get dressed and enter the “Crossover” TV set. And it’s a funny thing — when I finally marched onto the set and sat myself down on the creamy white couches on set, my nerves were suddenly replaced with this overwhelming sense of excitement.

Having Eyee Hsu as our host made the show. She is so down-to-earth and fun to be around, not to mention incredibly generous. When everyone noticed I didn’t have any earrings to wear (yeah, forgot that one), she immediately took hers out and lent them to me for the show. Thank you, Eyee!

Before the cameras started running, the staff had us adjust our positions (and, in my case, my dress) to look good for the show.

Then before I knew it, the cameras were rolling and Eyee began introducing the show as well as the three of us. We discussed everything from how we met our husbands and cultural differences we’ve experienced to our wedding stories and the differences between dating Western guys versus Chinese guys. During the show, Marie and her husband King sang a beautiful song in Chinese, and later Jess performed an incredible song of her own with her band Chinatown. I was truly blown away with their talent!

Jess performing on stage with her husband, Gao Fang. — Jess performing on stage with her husband (to her right)

Around 5:30pm, we all left the CCTV building together — with my heart dancing from the amazing experience of being filmed for a show. I wished I could have spent more time with Jess and Marie, who were truly delightful company on stage and off. I also wished I had more time to see my friends in Beijing. But I had things to do back in Hangzhou and knew it would all have to wait for another trip to Beijing and another time.

Thank you to everyone at CCTV for an amazing time and I can’t wait to see the episode when it officially airs later this year!

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My Appearance in the Beijing Bookworm Literary Festival on March 29

At the end of March, I traveled to Beijing to appear on a panel with Ember Swift and Edna Zhou as part of a book launch of How Does One Dress to Buy Dragonfruit for the Beijing Bookworm Literary Festival.

This was my first-ever appearance in a literary festival. (Hello, nerves!) But I decided, what better way to prep myself (and relax a little) than to attend an event in the festival? I caught the Writing China Through History event with three very fascinating authors and journalists (moderated by Ian Johnson, who wrote Wild Grass, one of my favorite books about China). All of them had terrific and often humorous stories to share.

That evening, the Beijing Bookworm looked so romantic with its lanterns all aglow. How I wish John had been there to see it! Everyone at the Bookworm was so welcoming, including Anthony Tao (who blogs at Beijing Cream).

Later that night, I saw Ember Swift playing live at the Temple Bar, where I also met two other Western women with Chinese husbands in the audience! (Sorry, no pictures of that!)

Nothing builds confidence like a great hair style — so I had my hair done Sunday morning at a hair salon in Sanlitun.

I had lunch at Element Fresh with my friend Peter, who I think of as my “brother” here in China (he and I met in 1999, when I first came to China). He promised John he would be there to attend my event (and take photos!).

Would you believe, the event actually SOLD OUT! I was stunned! I wish had taken a photo of the audience, with over 50 people in attendance!

Sometime after 2pm in the afternoon, we were on! I started off by reading my essay, followed by Edna and then Ember.

During the panel, I spoke about the pressure of being married for 10 years in China with no kids, how I’m committed to spending the rest of my life in China, and also some funny anecdotes about how my husband seemed to have set up my WeChat account to make it harder for people to find me (one of the women I met at Ember’s show said her husband did the same thing, so apparently I’m not alone!). Ember and I also swapped experiences during the panel, which turned out to be a lot of fun! And Edna shared some terrific stories about what it’s like to be a Chinese American woman living in China.

People asked questions about everything from whether it gets easier if you can communicate better with your mother-in-law (both Ember and I agreed it doesn’t get easier!) to how you can cope with repatriation and the struggle with fitting in (Ember suggested creating, I agreed and added that I had actually started up this blog in the US, when I yearned to share my experiences in China).

I met some fantastic people there, including Oda from Chinadoll:

Alejandra:

As well as Yang, and Jack. (Sorry, no pics, guys!)

Someone came up to me after the event and said it was one of the best events they had attended during the literary festival. Wow!

Afterwards, I had a lovely dinner with Rosalie of Rosie in Beijing, along with one of her friends and Alejandra at a delicious Middle Eastern Restaurant called Rumi. Unfortunately, I don’t have any pictures of that (I was seriously running on pure adrenaline by that time because I hadn’t gotten much sleep during the weekend and when I’m like that, I’m super-forgetful.) But here’s what Rumi looks like from their website:

(Photo from http://rumigrill.com/images/gallery/interior/b/2.jpg)

The following day, I met Charlotte of Chinese Potpourri in the Beijing South Railway Station just before my train took off for Hangzhou. We had Starbucks (which I haven’t drank in a LONG time…boy, was that green tea latte with soy amazing!).

Unfortunately, when you pack in so much into one weekend with so little sleep and travel, it is bound to catch up with you. I caught the flu on Thursday (ugh) and am recovering as a write this. Still, I wouldn’t have changed a single thing — going to Beijing to appear in this literary festival was such an honor, and incredibly life changing.

Can’t wait until I have the chance to do another literary festival in the future!

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Meet Me in Beijing March 29 at the Bookworm Literary Festival

Exciting news! I’ll be in Beijing on Sunday March 29 at 2pm to discuss How Does One Dress to Buy Dragonfruit as part of the Bookworm Literary Festival, along with my fabulous fellow contributors Ember Swift and Kaitlin Solimine.

I would love more than anything to see you there!

Here are the details from the Bookworm Literary Festival Events Page:

Book Launch: How Does One Dress to Buy Dragonfruit? True Stories of Expat Women in Asia 2 pm

Jocelyn Eikenburg, Kaitlin Solimine, Ember Swift | iQiyi, Sun March 29, 14:00 | IQ29B 60 RMB

How Does One Dress to Buy Dragonfruit?, edited by Shannon Young, is the first collection to explore in depth the varied and unconventional lives of expat women in East Asia. Their stories go far beyond the stereotypical image of a trailing spouse at brunch, and give voice to a population that is often sidelined. They are artists, filmmakers, singers, teachers, professionals, mothers, wives, and diplomats. Their stories explore love, loss, and identity. Bookworm Literary Festival welcomes three of the contributors who, together, will formally launch this unique anthology in Beijing. This event is at iQiyi.

The 60RMB ticket fee includes a free drink. Tickets are now on sale at the Bookworm in Beijing; you can also e-mail the Bookworm at [email protected] to learn more about getting tickets or the event itself.

FYI, the venue address is: 北京市朝阳区三里屯南路 1 号爱奇艺/iQiyi Cafe 1 Sanlitun South St. (opposite Bookworm) 65008180

Seriously, I would love more than anything to meet any of you out there in person! If you’re attending, please let me know!

I hope to see you in Beijing!

P.S.: To learn more about How Does One Dress to Buy Dragonfruit, you can read this post about my essay Huangshan Honeymoon (which includes actual photos from that trip) and also read about 12 other fantastic essays I highly recommend in this lovely book!

UPDATE: For anyone wondering about the location of the venue (北京市朝阳区三里屯南路 1 号爱奇艺/iQiyi Cafe 1 Sanlitun South St. (opposite Bookworm) 65008180), here’s a handy map included in this PDF version of the Beijing Bookworm Lit Fest:

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