Chinese guy | Speaking of China

Lijia, China’s Monthly Break for Women

A wooden chair on a deck, looking into the sunset — From my Chinese husband's perspective, my period meant rest -- even if I felt restless about it! (photo by julian leandro irusta)

Yesterday, I heard that once-monthly command from my Chinese husband. “Think of it as a forced vacation. It’s time for you to xiuxi,” he soothed me, putting a pillow on the couch and coaxing me over to sit down and put my feet up.

“But I have all of these things I haven’t done yet!” I pleaded.

John shook his head. “You need to rest,” he urged me, pointing to the couch.

Eventually, I did go to couch, settling into my usual spot, even as my mind was anything but settled about the idea of resting. You should be writing. You should be answering all of those e-mails. You should be…

If there’s anything I should be, it’s used to this whole routine. John and I have been together through years — and therefore, many, many months of me doing what every woman naturally does once a month. I get the kind of cramps that could drive perfectly normal women to light up their tampons and smoke them, so I should be thinking period equals rest. But right on schedule, just as I begin, so my mind begins the once-monthly protest every time John mentions “rest.”

But what I didn’t understand was, John would have urged me to take a break, even if I didn’t have the cramps. Continue reading “Lijia, China’s Monthly Break for Women”

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Ask the Yangxifu: How to Introduce Your White Girlfriend to Your Asian Parents

Instead of my usual Q&A this Friday (nothing to do with April Fools Day, I promise!), I’m steering you over to my latest article on the Asian Man White Woman magazine. If you’re a Chinese guy who just started dating a White girl, well, this one’s for you. It’s called How to Introduce Your White Girlfriend to Your Asian Parents — here’s a snippet:

When I first started dating John, my future Chinese husband, everything seemed as perfect as our first kiss by the lake.

We could have entire conversations with just a glance. Our chemistry was so good that, for weeks, I came to work every morning, beaming from bedroom bliss. And within weeks of getting together, we had taken two romantic dates together, and planned a third trip to Beijing.

So finally, after a little over a month together, John decided to go home and tell his Asian parents all about me. His report?

“My father said I can be friends with you, but not date you.”

Gulp. Not exactly what you’d call, uh, “perfect.”

So if you have a white girlfriend or fiancee, what do you do when your Asian family gets in the way of happily ever after?

To find out, read the full article now. If you like it, share it. And thanks!

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Shui Tu Bu Fu: A Tale of Two Noses

Tissue box — Tissue anyone? My Chinese husband has sneezing fits in the US, I have them in his family home in China. And our only explanation is shuitu bufu.

Atchoo! Atchoo! Atchoo!

There was my Chinese husband, having a sneezing fit right over our sink. I gave him the usual “bless you” and worried stares of a wife, wondering if this was the harbinger of a bad allergy day for him. And he gave me his usual prognosis on why he had this sneezing problem in the first place.

“In Zhejiang, I never used to sneeze like this,” John lamented, blowing his nose. “I miss the warm, humid air of Jiangnan,” that south of the Yangtze River region, the land of fish, rice and moist air that included his own beloved province.

It sure didn’t help that, in 2008, we moved to a high desert area in the Mountain West of the United States — what you might term a land of tumbleweeds, dust and dry volcanic mountains. But even when we lived in Cleveland, Ohio, right on Lake Erie, my Chinese husband’s nose seemed to ignore the humidity and moisture, and just sneeze away in defiance. Even worse, his skin became so dry and itchy that he scratched out two pear-sized welts on both of his upper thighs. It took an entire year for those welts to disappear.

The Chinese have a saying for this: shuǐtǔ bùfú (水土不服). Continue reading “Shui Tu Bu Fu: A Tale of Two Noses”

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Ask the Yangxifu: Staring in China at Couples of Chinese Men-Western Women

Tom asks:

About several months ago, i asked about how to say “i love u” to a foreign girl.

Thanks to your advice, she has been my girlfriend now. We really have a lot in common and we both think that our relationship can be better — that is to say, she can be my fiance. But,there is a problem between her and i. When we go shopping, go to cinema, or eat out, there always are many, many people looking at us with a strange expression. In fact, i have foreseen that embarrassing thing will happen on me, but i really don’t know that that will be so embarrassing.You know,because of my major, i have to stay in china and it means that i have to tolerate those things constantly.I always do my best to ignore them,but it is really difficult, because u can see them everywhere, even in my family.

I think ur husband has ever met the same situation, too. So, i am wondering if u and ur husband could give me any advice on how to avoid or adapt to this. Hope to hear from you soon.

———-

Tom, sometimes — as my Chinese husband told me — it’s all about perspective.

You see “strange expressions” and feel embarrassment when people gawk at you and your girlfriend on the streets of China. But my Chinese husband John sees something completely different. “They’re amazed that I could get a foreign wife.”

In fact, most people are looking at you in awe, as I wrote last year in my survey of stereotypes about couples of Chinese men and Western women:

To many Chinese, having a foreign girlfriend or wife is the best bling money can’t buy. Like cruising in a BMW or popping open a bottle of Moet (part of the worship of all things foreign in China, chóngyángmèiwài or 崇洋媚外) , we suggest he’s truly “made it.”

With a foreign woman by his side, that Chinese man casts a powerful aura around the world in China. People crown him as lihai (厉害, awesome), gaping in awe at his good fortune — and his social status soars.

Now, I’m not in any way suggesting you turn your girlfriend into the equivalent of a living, breathing Mercedes Benz to show off to the world. But keep in mind that many of those “strange expressions” hide a quiet envy — that you’re one of the few Chinese men who could pull off this relationship.

Here’s another way to look at it. Chances are, some of these people have never seen or even imagined the possibility of a Chinese man-Western woman couple. In a world where couples of Chinese women and Western men are a mao a dozen, you and your girlfriend are like real-life ambassadors, showing them another, rarer side of the coin.

Now, with family, it’s a slightly different story. You just started dating, so the two of you are still a novelty to everyone. But after almost seven years of marriage, I can tell you the novelty wears off a bit. I still get a look or two from distant relatives, a sudden pride when I walk through their door, or a “wow, she’s beautiful” from someone I’ve never met. But the subject usually changes faster than you can say “have you eaten?” and I have those moments where I’m just family (albeit, family from another country 😉 ). It does get better.

I can’t say the same for being out in public, however. My Chinese husband and I still turn heads whenever we walk the streets in China, even after years of marriage — so I suspect the stares will never go away for you either. And apart from avoiding the streets entirely, or hiding your Western girlfriend’s entire head, there’s nothing to guard against it.

But you always have a choice on something more important: your interpretation. Embarrassment or pride? Strange expressions or awe? None of the above? You decide.

What do you think? What advice do you have for Tom?

———

Do you have a question about life, dating, marriage and family in China/Chinese culture (or Western culture)? Every Friday, I answer questions on my blog. Send me your question today.

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On My Chinese Husband’s Time

Retro alarm clock — How was it that my Chinese husband and I seemed to run on entirely different clocks?

We held tickets for a performance at 7pm Wednesday. By 6pm, the table had everything we needed for dinner — fried tofu, spring rolls, stir-fried vegetables. Everything, that is, except for my Chinese husband.

Where is he? I wondered, pacing as I peered out the window, scouring the landscape for any sign of him as the notice on those tickets flashed over and over again in my mind: attendees must be in their seats by 6:45pm, or the unfilled seats will be filled with people in the waiting area.

Suddenly, I spotted someone walking down the street in a rather familiar maroon down jacket, with an even more familiar gait. John. He strolled along with one of his soccer buddies, chatting with all of the leisure of a Sunday afternoon tea time — and not the Wednesday “we have to eat and get the performance ASAP” anxiety coursing through my veins.

Since he stood within shouting distance of our place, I did what any worried wife would do. “Sweetie, it’s dinnertime! Come on!”

When he finally trotted in the door, I gave him the chopsticks and a stern glance. “Where have you been? Did you completely forget about the performance this evening?”

“I was delayed at work. But I figured that 45 minutes is more than enough time for us to head over there.”

I cocked an eyebrow. “You really like to live on the edge, don’t you?”

“It’s not on the edge,” he said, shaking his head. “See, we still have enough time to eat dinner and get over there.”

But I couldn’t help but think about how his timing and my timing didn’t even seem to be in the same row of performance’s theater. Continue reading “On My Chinese Husband’s Time”

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Ask the Yangxifu: Getting a Chinese Foreign Student To Notice You

Chinese character — A woman at a Western university has a crush on a Chinese foreign student, and wonders how she can get him to notice her? (Photo by Magda Dlugaj)

Mizu asks:

Well, there is this Chinese guy in my college that I find very attractive but the only thing is that I have no classes with him and I’m not too sure on how to approach him. I think he might be a year or two ahead of me. He’s usually alone with his Mac or with friends that he only talks for minutes and leaves. I’ve tried my best for him to notice me but he doesn’t seem to be interested. He looks very shy and maybe has a little bit of trouble speaking English [he’s usually carrying a portable translator, that I’ve seen] I’ve tried and thought of a way of making small talk, but the only thing that comes to mind is asking him for help in learning Chinese, but I don’t want to offend him in any way or weird him out. I’m a very shy person when it comes to guys that I crush on, I’ve never made a move on a guy with a different ethnicity than mine, so I’m not too sure what are the dos and don’ts in this case or if there’s any. Any suggestions or advice in talking/make him notice me is helpful, thank you.

Side note: I’m not too sure if our ages should matter in this case, I’m 19 not too sure about his; he must around 19-20.

—– Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Getting a Chinese Foreign Student To Notice You”

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How My Anti-Japanese Chinese Husband Changed His Mind About Japan

Japanese print — I never thought my staunchly anti-Japanese Chinese husband would ever call anyone from Japan a friend.

When my Chinese husband awoke on Friday to news of the tsunami in Japan, he did something that, even a year ago, I could never have imagined. He wrote to one of his friends…in Japan. “I heard about the earthquake and tsunami in Japan. I hope you and your family are well.”

Hours later, he felt relieved to read her response: “Thanks for your contact. Now, I’m standing by in my hospital. But I’m fine. And my family are well when I called.”

“She is okay,” he reassured me, after reading her e-mail.

But years ago, when I first mentioned Japan to him, “reassured” is not even close to how I would have described him.

“One of these days, we’ll have to visit Japan,” I mused, just having returned from a trip home to the US, where I passed through the Tokyo Narita Airport.

“Japan? I never want to visit Japan,” he hissed. “I’m anti-Japanese.” Continue reading “How My Anti-Japanese Chinese Husband Changed His Mind About Japan”

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Ask the Yangxifu: Showing a Chinese Man You’re Interested

Bok choy — A Western woman has a crush on a Chinese man at her grocery store. How can she show him, not tell him, that she's interested? (Photo by Ted Cabanes)

groceries asks:

So, I have this Chinese acquaintance. He works at this Asian Supermarket that I frequent and I have a feeling he’s liking me too. But when I try to make conversation with him, he like speeds through what he says like he’s trying to politely brush me off. He makes me feel really intimidated. I’m not a timid person, but I sort of felt like I was making a little progress, but then my best friend (who’s a guy) went to the store with me twice in a row and I feel like everything fell back to square one. Which is horrible because it’s not like I got very far in the first place. I kind of feel like I have no real change with him because, I am just a customer, but I want to at least try. I feel like if I can make him realize I like him without making him feel awkward by confessing, then it may give him a little change to let me know either way, of how he feels toward me. Any suggestions? Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Showing a Chinese Man You’re Interested”

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2011 Blogs by Western Women who Love Chinese Men

John my Chinese husband and I after registering our marriage in China — My 2011 update of all the blogs by Western women who love Chinese men.

March 8 — International Women’s Day — is just around the corner, so it’s time for my homage to other fabulous Western women out in the blogosphere who love Chinese men.

If this update is any measure, the state of the community — that is, the community of Western women who love Chinese men — is strong and growing. Last year, I featured only 16 blogs. This year, it’s over 30. Either there are more of you out there speaking up on the internet, or I’m just getting better at finding you. 😉

So, in alphabetical order according to title, here they are:

Aimee Barnes. She’s more known for thoughtful, probing interviews with China’s up-and-coming movers and shakers — but she once loved a man from Shandong (and, I hope, hasn’t given up writing about it). I’ve come to appreciate her voice even more after reading this post about how she went against expectations (she had a learning disability) to master Mandarin and succeed in college and graduate school. Aimee is now living in Singapore with her Asian husband. Continue reading “2011 Blogs by Western Women who Love Chinese Men”

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Are Jewish Women More Likely to Marry Chinese Men?

Star of David in the stained glass windows of a temple — Is Chinese and chosen the norm? Are Jewish women more likely to marry Chinese men? (photo by Simon Cataudo)

(NOTE: I turned this short post into a fascinating full article published in Asian Jewish Life. Read it here.)

I had only met Arnold a few times, but I felt he was as familiar as the soy cafe au lait I held in my hands. He and I bonded over China one evening at the gym, and pretty soon we went from lifting weights to lifting coffee cups over at the Starbucks just down the street from me. I liked Arnold because he was this huge espresso shot of an African-American, the kind of guy who wasn’t afraid to say — or ask — anything.

“Are you Jewish?” he asked me, after I sat down.

“No, I’m not, actually. I was raised Catholic. Why do you ask?”

“Because you have a Chinese husband. You usually see Jewish women married to Chinese men.”

“Really? How would you know?”

I was so stunned, I still I can’t remember what he said. Maybe it was because he had lived in this city (which I like to think of as Jewish as Woody Allen) his whole life. Or maybe he heard it growing up.

But later, when I left Starbucks, I wondered if I really was out of the mainstream, as a shiksa with a Chinese husband, Was it true? Were Jewish women more likely to marry Chinese men?

Continue reading “Are Jewish Women More Likely to Marry Chinese Men?”

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