Chinese guy | Speaking of China

Ask the Yangxifu: Unlucky in Love in China

A stiletto high heel crushing a rose petal — Friday the 13 -- the perfect time for stories of unfortunate love. (photo by Aleksandra P.)

Programming note: from May 2 until May 13, I’ll be in the process of flying to and then settling down in China for the summer. During this time, I’ll be digging up some classic content from the archives, and sharing it with you in the form of theme-related posts. And don’t worry — I’ll be back on May 16. Promise! 😉

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This is Friday the 13th, one of the unluckiest days of the year — a perfect time for tales of star-crossed lovers, and relationship woes, Ask the Yangxifu style:

Cheating With a Married Chinese Man. An American woman clings to an illicit relationship, and wants to believe it could be so much more. Too bad he’s married with children.

When a Chinese Man Buries His Love. There’s nothing worse than when he loves you, but decides he won’t move forward with the relationship. Makes me want to cry over Love in the Time of Cholera one more time.

Can Western Women Love a Communist Military Man? A military man in China would love to date Western women. Only problem? The government forbids it. This has all the makings of a modern-day version of Romeo and Juliet set in China.

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Do you have a question about life, dating, marriage and family in China/Chinese culture (or Western culture)? Every Friday, I answer questions on my blog. Send me your question today.

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In the Mood for Summer Love (in China)

A bride and groom running through a green park in the summer — (photo by Fran Flores)

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Okay, it may only be May — but in the Hangzhou region, where my Chinese husband’s family lives, summer is on like a renao Chinese wedding banquet.

For me, summer is a time of love. That’s when I first came to know and fall in love with my Chinese husband John. So if you’re in the mood for some romance, these entries just might get your heart fluttering:

John is My Chinese Boyfriend. That late summer night by the West Lake, when John and I fell in love to the sound of cicadas.

Of Lovely Bouquets and China Birthday Programs. Three lovely summer bouquets, and the thoughts of John’s “birthday program” tantalized me as I got closer to this Chinese man.

The Dog Days of My China Summer. This entry is my little Valentine to the dog John and I loved so much a few summers ago.

Have you ever had a memorable “summer love” experience in China?

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On Love in the Workplace in China

Confident business man in suit and tie reaching out. — (photo by Henk L)

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It’s the Labor Day holiday in China, and that makes me think of how labor and love work together in China. After all, I met my husband through work.

Today, I’m sharing a roundup of my favorite posts about love in the workplace in China — from breaking up during business hours to why you should never consider customers your lovers (yikes!):

My Heart is Shut Away, My Chinese Boyfriend is Gone. If you’re going to fall in love at work, be careful who you choose. I fell for a man who sat right next to me — and when we broke up, I had to face the pain every single day.

Negotiating For My Life in China. When I suddenly lost my job and visa, my Chinese boyfriend John stood by my side and even helped me negotiate with the Chinese CEO.

Customers Are Our Lovers. Customers and foreign copywriters in China write the darnedest things in the office. A personal favorite. 😉

What are your stories of love and work in China?

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Ask the Yangxifu: Will Chinese Men Date Taller, Heavier Women?

Chinese husband and I beside Lake Michigan — Will Chinese men date women who are taller and heavier than them?

Big and beautiful asks:

I’m an European woman. Because of my job, I’ll be staying in China for 2 years. I’m already studying Mandarin, but I’ve never had a Chinese friend or boyfriend. I’m curious about Chinese men’s opinion of women who are taller and larger than them. Is there a lot of discrimination? Is their ideal woman short and skinny? Where I live, most men don’t like dating a woman who’s bigger than them, but it’s not completely taboo. Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Will Chinese Men Date Taller, Heavier Women?”

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Marriage in China is Home, Car, Money?

Home. Car. Money. I first heard these words strung together — fangzi, chezi, piaozi — around 1am in July 2007, while loitering on the stairs outside a Holiday karaoke bar in Hangzhou with my Chinese husband and his friends.

The friend who spoke these words, a guy named Jiang, sighed almost immediately afterwards, before forcing up a grin to hide the frustration he felt about it. “That’s married life in China,” he shrugged.

I had just married John — for the second time, if you consider our ceremony at the Shanghai Marriage Registration Bureau a sort of wedding — and suddenly Jiang’s words seemed to be the fluorescent lights in the reception hall after hours, making an otherwise beautiful thing look cheap and ugly.

By July 2007, it’s not as if John and I hadn’t wrestled with these issues before. Continue reading “Marriage in China is Home, Car, Money?”

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Ask the Yangxifu: On Jiedi Lian, China’s Cougar Love

Barbie Hsu and Vic Zhou, hugging — Jiedi lian (China’s version of Cougar love) is rare — but it can happen, such as when Vic Zhou and Barbie Hsu, stars of Meteor Garden, dated. (photo from www.asianbite.com)

Jie Jie asks:

How much does age difference matter for Chinese people? I’m in my late twenties and I happen to like a Chinese guy who is in his early twenties. He mentioned the term 姐弟恋 the other day. He asked me if I know what that means. I don’t know if I should be worried about his question. Could that mean that he regards me as a craddle-robber or a cougar?

However, he has literally told me that he likes me.

Could age be a barrier between us? Would a couple where the woman is slightly older (in my case, 5 years older) judged negatively? Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: On Jiedi Lian, China’s Cougar Love”

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I Love You, Just Not in Chinese

A red kiss mark left on a piece of paper — All these years, my Chinese husband had told me “I love you” in English but could never bring himself to say the same in Mandarin Chinese. (photo by Jenny Rollo)

My husband tells me “I love you” all the time. When I’m dashing out the door to the library. Just before we hang up our phone conversation. As we tell each other goodnight under the covers. There’s nothing really strange about it — except that he’s Chinese, and the Chinese don’t usually express love in words.

For the longest time, I figured he had learned to say “I love you” for me — just as he learned to love so many of my favorite things, from aromatic cups of peppermint herbal tea to vegetarian pizzas with soft, focaccia crust.

But sometimes, it’s not what you say, but the language in which you say it.

“Sweetie, it’s not right to suggest a phrase with ‘ài’ in it, right?” I conferred with him the other day while brainstorming an article about the Chinese language, and realizing that ‘ài’ — the word for love — seemed to pack more punch than necessary. “People don’t really say ‘ai’ in everyday life, as I can remember.”

John nodded. “Definitely not. It’s too strong.”

Suddenly, I thought about how often John said ài in English, to me. “But you tell me ‘I love you’ all the time,” I teased him, nudging his arm. I watched my husband’s face wrinkle into an embarrassed laugh, as he shrunk his his chair.

“I’ll bet it’s because you’re saying ‘I love you’ in English, isn’t it?” I continued, pulling playfully at his shoulder.

John kept giggling until he finally gave me one of those “you’ve got me” looks.

All these years, he had hidden his feelings behind English, a language where saying “I love you” just didn’t seem so forbidden. I still welcome “I love you” in my native tongue. But I have a feeling I’ll be waiting some time for a Wǒ’àinǐ (我爱你) from my sweetheart.

Does your Chinese lover or spouse prefer saying “I love you” in English? Or, if you’re Chinese, do you prefer using a foreign language to express your love?

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Ask the Yangxifu: Are Chinese Men with Tattoos Bad?

Dragon tattoo on a man's arm — Are Chinese men with tattoos bad people? Should they be branded forever out of your social circle?

D asks:

Hi I have a Chinese classmate and he has always been very friendly with me, and he talks to me and sends me texts almost everyday. When he heard I was interested in learning Chinese, (even though I am still at the beginner stage.) He straight away offered to give me his skype address so that we could practice together online because he is also interested in improving his English pronunciation. He also invited me to go to a bbq at his house so that he could introduce me to his friends. Things seem to be going quite well.

However even though that all sounds great, there is one problem, he has a tattoo on his arm. I know normally this isn’t a big deal in European countries and USA lots of men have a tattoos. When I introduced him to some other Chinese friends of mine. They were shocked and told me don’t get to close to him, this type of man is not normal. Have you had any experience dealing with Chinese men or women with tattoos? Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Are Chinese Men with Tattoos Bad?”

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My Chinese Husband Hates Pain Killers

Pills spilled out of a container on a surface — My Chinese husband thinks pain killers are no good. And I think his arguments are just a pain. (photo by Aleksandra P.)

Last Monday night, I tossed and turned half the night from a painful skin infection. By 4:17am, I still hadn’t fallen asleep, and I could feel it throbbing all the way down my thigh. I slipped out of bed and into the living room, knowing exactly what I wanted to do — and why my Chinese husband would be so angry for it the following day. I decided to take a pain killer.

Sure enough, the pain subsided and I finally fell asleep. But when I told my Chinese husband about it the next day, he looked as red as the inflammation on my body.

“Why did you do that?” he admonished me while hovering over the sink, cleaning up the leftover dishes.

“I just couldn’t get to sleep. It was past 4am,” I explained.

“You’re too impulsive!” he frowned, shaking his head in disgust as he scrubbed a plate. Continue reading “My Chinese Husband Hates Pain Killers”

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Ask the Yangxifu: Frequently Asked Questions About Dating Chinese Men and Western Women

The Thinker by Rodin — Get answers to your most popular questions on dating Chinese men and Western women at my Ask the Yangxifu FAQ section. (photo by Henk L)

Recently, I’ve been getting a lot of the same questions in the Ask the Yangxifu mailbag — and often sending my fans links to this or that article I’ve written before. I love getting questions, and love answering. But as Friday started looming, I realized I had no good, new questions to feature on the blog. I thought, shoot, what I am going to write about for the Friday column?

But in the midst of my emerging content crisis, it suddenly came to me. When you get repeat questions, it means just one thing — you need a frequently asked questions page.

Enter in the brand-spanking-new Ask the Yangxifu Frequently Asked Questions, with some of the most popular questions on dating Chinese men and dating Western women. Tell me what you think, and let me know if I’m missing a favorite question of yours.

Don’t worry — the Q&A will be back next week. 🙂

P.S. to all of the Chinese men out there: I really, really wish your section wasn’t so painfully short. Only a fraction of my e-mails come from Chinese men wanting to know about dating Western women. Want to help me expand the knowledge base? Send me more good questions to answer. Thanks! 😉

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Do you have a question about life, dating, marriage and family in China/Chinese culture (or Western culture)? Every Friday, I answer questions on my blog. Send me your question today.

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