Dating Chinese men | Speaking of China

My Chinese Husband’s Vanity

Close up photograph of makeup products — When my Chinese husband suggested I have my makeup done at a beauty salon -- just for a reunion with his classmates -- I knew the reason: vanity. (photo by Martin Walls)

While in Hangzhou last weekend for a Chinese friend’s wedding, my Chinese husband John took me to a beauty salon on the West side of the city.

I wanted my hair washed and blow dried, just like I had told John days before over the phone. “I can’t seem to wash the oil out of my scalp,” I sighed. Had I chosen the wrong shampoo? Or was it that darned trickle of water from the showerhead at my Chinese inlaws home, which never seemed strong enough for a woman cursed with an oily scalp? I couldn’t tell anymore, but I did know one thing: “I desperately need a good wash.”

When we walked in, I knew we would ask for a good wash, that one must-have service of every beauty salon in China.

Suddenly, as my husband scanned the service list behind the counter, he gave me this funny, admiring smile, a smile that I have come to know over the years. I’ve seen it every time I returned home from the beauty salon to unveil my latest haircut, or whenever I’ve modeled a new piece of clothing or jewelry that John just adored. When he flashed that smile this time, I had a feeling he wouldn’t let this visit go with just a wash and blow-dry. “Why don’t you get some makeup done while you’re here?”

I cocked my head at John. “Makeup?” Continue reading “My Chinese Husband’s Vanity”

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Featured in China Daily Article: Western Women, Chinese Men

Western wife and Chinese husband jumping up as they hold hands together — Megan Millward and husband Zhang Lie -- one of the couples of Western women and Chinese men featured in this China Daily article (photo from http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/)

In case you missed it (or, like me, you spent the weekend away — in my case, a wedding in Hangzhou — and are just catching up), the China Daily just published an article titled Western Women, Chinese Men — about the growing trend of marriages between Western women and Chinese men. It features me, as well as fellow bloggers Jo Gan of Life Behind the Wall and Melanie Parsons Gao from The Downtown Diner. Here’s an excerpt from the article with some quotes from me and my husband:

Jocelyn Eikenburg, a 33-year-old American who blogs on speakingofchina.com, had a similar experience [of having the relationship get serious fast] when she first began dating her husband, Jun Yu. “Immediately after we first started dating, he was calling me laopo.” That is Chinese for “wife”.

She was surprised by how quickly the relationship had gone from friend to potential spouse. Her blog focuses on cross-cultural relationships between Chinese men and Western women.

Family can also be another hurdle for many foreign women in relationships with Chinese men.

When Jun told his family about his relationship with Eikenburg, his father did not approve. “He cautioned me about dating a foreign girl and did not want me to get hurt,” Jun says.

His family’s attitude toward their son dating a foreign woman quickly changed when Eikenburg went home with Jun for Chinese New Year. When she showed his father pictures of her family at home, “it really opened him up”, she says. As filial piety is important to Chinese families, Eikenburg says that experience helped break down barriers….

Read the full article here — and if you love it, share it. Thanks!

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Ask the Yangxifu: Western Parents Say No to Chinese Boyfriend?

Angry white man clenching his teeth — What should a Western woman do when her parents disapprove of her Chinese boyfriend? (photo by Alessandro Paiva)

M asks:

Me and my Chinese boyfriend have been dating for six months. His parents are happy that he is dating with me and have nothing against me. This is totally different with my own parents! They cannot understand why I don’t want a western man, but prefer an Asian one. In their opinion (especially my father’s) Chinese men just keep their wives as slaves, hit them, sleep with prostitutes after work and have child-wives. I really don’t know how to make my parents to believe that my boyfriend is certainly not like this! My parents are very prejudiced against any other nationalities except our own. My mother actually dared to ask me if I was sure that my boyfriend is not engaged to some Chinese child in China!

Do you have any advise how I should cope with this situation? My boyfriend and I live in the UK, but my parents and his don’t. However my mum is coming here this summer and I’m hoping to reduce his prejudices when she sees my boyfriend 😉 Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Western Parents Say No to Chinese Boyfriend?”

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Ask the Yangxifu: Unlucky in Love in China

A stiletto high heel crushing a rose petal — Friday the 13 -- the perfect time for stories of unfortunate love. (photo by Aleksandra P.)

Programming note: from May 2 until May 13, I’ll be in the process of flying to and then settling down in China for the summer. During this time, I’ll be digging up some classic content from the archives, and sharing it with you in the form of theme-related posts. And don’t worry — I’ll be back on May 16. Promise! 😉

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This is Friday the 13th, one of the unluckiest days of the year — a perfect time for tales of star-crossed lovers, and relationship woes, Ask the Yangxifu style:

Cheating With a Married Chinese Man. An American woman clings to an illicit relationship, and wants to believe it could be so much more. Too bad he’s married with children.

When a Chinese Man Buries His Love. There’s nothing worse than when he loves you, but decides he won’t move forward with the relationship. Makes me want to cry over Love in the Time of Cholera one more time.

Can Western Women Love a Communist Military Man? A military man in China would love to date Western women. Only problem? The government forbids it. This has all the makings of a modern-day version of Romeo and Juliet set in China.

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Do you have a question about life, dating, marriage and family in China/Chinese culture (or Western culture)? Every Friday, I answer questions on my blog. Send me your question today.

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In the Mood for Summer Love (in China)

A bride and groom running through a green park in the summer — (photo by Fran Flores)

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Okay, it may only be May — but in the Hangzhou region, where my Chinese husband’s family lives, summer is on like a renao Chinese wedding banquet.

For me, summer is a time of love. That’s when I first came to know and fall in love with my Chinese husband John. So if you’re in the mood for some romance, these entries just might get your heart fluttering:

John is My Chinese Boyfriend. That late summer night by the West Lake, when John and I fell in love to the sound of cicadas.

Of Lovely Bouquets and China Birthday Programs. Three lovely summer bouquets, and the thoughts of John’s “birthday program” tantalized me as I got closer to this Chinese man.

The Dog Days of My China Summer. This entry is my little Valentine to the dog John and I loved so much a few summers ago.

Have you ever had a memorable “summer love” experience in China?

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On Love in the Workplace in China

Confident business man in suit and tie reaching out. — (photo by Henk L)

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It’s the Labor Day holiday in China, and that makes me think of how labor and love work together in China. After all, I met my husband through work.

Today, I’m sharing a roundup of my favorite posts about love in the workplace in China — from breaking up during business hours to why you should never consider customers your lovers (yikes!):

My Heart is Shut Away, My Chinese Boyfriend is Gone. If you’re going to fall in love at work, be careful who you choose. I fell for a man who sat right next to me — and when we broke up, I had to face the pain every single day.

Negotiating For My Life in China. When I suddenly lost my job and visa, my Chinese boyfriend John stood by my side and even helped me negotiate with the Chinese CEO.

Customers Are Our Lovers. Customers and foreign copywriters in China write the darnedest things in the office. A personal favorite. 😉

What are your stories of love and work in China?

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Ask the Yangxifu: Will Chinese Men Date Taller, Heavier Women?

Chinese husband and I beside Lake Michigan — Will Chinese men date women who are taller and heavier than them?

Big and beautiful asks:

I’m an European woman. Because of my job, I’ll be staying in China for 2 years. I’m already studying Mandarin, but I’ve never had a Chinese friend or boyfriend. I’m curious about Chinese men’s opinion of women who are taller and larger than them. Is there a lot of discrimination? Is their ideal woman short and skinny? Where I live, most men don’t like dating a woman who’s bigger than them, but it’s not completely taboo. Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Will Chinese Men Date Taller, Heavier Women?”

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Marriage in China is Home, Car, Money?

Home. Car. Money. I first heard these words strung together — fangzi, chezi, piaozi — around 1am in July 2007, while loitering on the stairs outside a Holiday karaoke bar in Hangzhou with my Chinese husband and his friends.

The friend who spoke these words, a guy named Jiang, sighed almost immediately afterwards, before forcing up a grin to hide the frustration he felt about it. “That’s married life in China,” he shrugged.

I had just married John — for the second time, if you consider our ceremony at the Shanghai Marriage Registration Bureau a sort of wedding — and suddenly Jiang’s words seemed to be the fluorescent lights in the reception hall after hours, making an otherwise beautiful thing look cheap and ugly.

By July 2007, it’s not as if John and I hadn’t wrestled with these issues before. Continue reading “Marriage in China is Home, Car, Money?”

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Ask the Yangxifu: On Jiedi Lian, China’s Cougar Love

Barbie Hsu and Vic Zhou, hugging — Jiedi lian (China’s version of Cougar love) is rare — but it can happen, such as when Vic Zhou and Barbie Hsu, stars of Meteor Garden, dated. (photo from www.asianbite.com)

Jie Jie asks:

How much does age difference matter for Chinese people? I’m in my late twenties and I happen to like a Chinese guy who is in his early twenties. He mentioned the term 姐弟恋 the other day. He asked me if I know what that means. I don’t know if I should be worried about his question. Could that mean that he regards me as a craddle-robber or a cougar?

However, he has literally told me that he likes me.

Could age be a barrier between us? Would a couple where the woman is slightly older (in my case, 5 years older) judged negatively? Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: On Jiedi Lian, China’s Cougar Love”

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I Love You, Just Not in Chinese

A red kiss mark left on a piece of paper — All these years, my Chinese husband had told me “I love you” in English but could never bring himself to say the same in Mandarin Chinese. (photo by Jenny Rollo)

My husband tells me “I love you” all the time. When I’m dashing out the door to the library. Just before we hang up our phone conversation. As we tell each other goodnight under the covers. There’s nothing really strange about it — except that he’s Chinese, and the Chinese don’t usually express love in words.

For the longest time, I figured he had learned to say “I love you” for me — just as he learned to love so many of my favorite things, from aromatic cups of peppermint herbal tea to vegetarian pizzas with soft, focaccia crust.

But sometimes, it’s not what you say, but the language in which you say it.

“Sweetie, it’s not right to suggest a phrase with ‘ài’ in it, right?” I conferred with him the other day while brainstorming an article about the Chinese language, and realizing that ‘ài’ — the word for love — seemed to pack more punch than necessary. “People don’t really say ‘ai’ in everyday life, as I can remember.”

John nodded. “Definitely not. It’s too strong.”

Suddenly, I thought about how often John said ài in English, to me. “But you tell me ‘I love you’ all the time,” I teased him, nudging his arm. I watched my husband’s face wrinkle into an embarrassed laugh, as he shrunk his his chair.

“I’ll bet it’s because you’re saying ‘I love you’ in English, isn’t it?” I continued, pulling playfully at his shoulder.

John kept giggling until he finally gave me one of those “you’ve got me” looks.

All these years, he had hidden his feelings behind English, a language where saying “I love you” just didn’t seem so forbidden. I still welcome “I love you” in my native tongue. But I have a feeling I’ll be waiting some time for a Wǒ’àinǐ (我爱你) from my sweetheart.

Does your Chinese lover or spouse prefer saying “I love you” in English? Or, if you’re Chinese, do you prefer using a foreign language to express your love?

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