Chinese men | Speaking of China

My Chinese Husband’s Vanity

Close up photograph of makeup products — When my Chinese husband suggested I have my makeup done at a beauty salon -- just for a reunion with his classmates -- I knew the reason: vanity. (photo by Martin Walls)

While in Hangzhou last weekend for a Chinese friend’s wedding, my Chinese husband John took me to a beauty salon on the West side of the city.

I wanted my hair washed and blow dried, just like I had told John days before over the phone. “I can’t seem to wash the oil out of my scalp,” I sighed. Had I chosen the wrong shampoo? Or was it that darned trickle of water from the showerhead at my Chinese inlaws home, which never seemed strong enough for a woman cursed with an oily scalp? I couldn’t tell anymore, but I did know one thing: “I desperately need a good wash.”

When we walked in, I knew we would ask for a good wash, that one must-have service of every beauty salon in China.

Suddenly, as my husband scanned the service list behind the counter, he gave me this funny, admiring smile, a smile that I have come to know over the years. I’ve seen it every time I returned home from the beauty salon to unveil my latest haircut, or whenever I’ve modeled a new piece of clothing or jewelry that John just adored. When he flashed that smile this time, I had a feeling he wouldn’t let this visit go with just a wash and blow-dry. “Why don’t you get some makeup done while you’re here?”

I cocked my head at John. “Makeup?” Continue reading “My Chinese Husband’s Vanity”

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Ask the Yangxifu: British Woman with Chinese Husband Lonely in Marriage

The silhouette of a woman sitting on a stool, crying — A British woman, living with her Chinese husband in his isolated village, feels as if she's missing some emotional support and more. (photo by Glenda Otero)

Hainangirl asks:

Im from england and im 25 i have been married for about a year and a half to a chinese guy who is a year older than me. I love him very very much and i trust him with all my heart but i can sometimes feel so frustrated with the way he shows his love. I know its a culture difference and his upbringing as he is from a very small village , and has lived a bit of a sheltered life. Like i read in some of your articles about sex and love i had to teach him. the lack of eduction is also an issue when making big decisions or planning for the future. I hate to feel like im unsatisfied with him but sometimes i need reassurance and comfort. I have found the biggest problem can be him recognising my feelings. He doesnt speak english but im fluent in chinese and i make it very clear how i feel and i try not to critise him as i dont want to affect his confidence. It probably sounds so horrible that im moaning about him. We are very happy together and he compliments me perfectly but sometimes i feel uneasy. I am alone in china and not only am I committing my life to him, but also his family and this island and if you have ever been here you will know that the people here are not used to foreigners and you feel a bit like an alien. I feel i need more emotional support and comfort and reassurance about our future and our plans for a family. How do i get that??? i also wants to know that he is happy with me, he very rarely talks about how he feels and this can sometimes make me insecure? do you have any suggestions that could open him up a little. Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: British Woman with Chinese Husband Lonely in Marriage”

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Featured in China Daily Article: Western Women, Chinese Men

Western wife and Chinese husband jumping up as they hold hands together — Megan Millward and husband Zhang Lie -- one of the couples of Western women and Chinese men featured in this China Daily article (photo from http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/)

In case you missed it (or, like me, you spent the weekend away — in my case, a wedding in Hangzhou — and are just catching up), the China Daily just published an article titled Western Women, Chinese Men — about the growing trend of marriages between Western women and Chinese men. It features me, as well as fellow bloggers Jo Gan of Life Behind the Wall and Melanie Parsons Gao from The Downtown Diner. Here’s an excerpt from the article with some quotes from me and my husband:

Jocelyn Eikenburg, a 33-year-old American who blogs on speakingofchina.com, had a similar experience [of having the relationship get serious fast] when she first began dating her husband, Jun Yu. “Immediately after we first started dating, he was calling me laopo.” That is Chinese for “wife”.

She was surprised by how quickly the relationship had gone from friend to potential spouse. Her blog focuses on cross-cultural relationships between Chinese men and Western women.

Family can also be another hurdle for many foreign women in relationships with Chinese men.

When Jun told his family about his relationship with Eikenburg, his father did not approve. “He cautioned me about dating a foreign girl and did not want me to get hurt,” Jun says.

His family’s attitude toward their son dating a foreign woman quickly changed when Eikenburg went home with Jun for Chinese New Year. When she showed his father pictures of her family at home, “it really opened him up”, she says. As filial piety is important to Chinese families, Eikenburg says that experience helped break down barriers….

Read the full article here — and if you love it, share it. Thanks!

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One Chinese Woman Fears Marriage

Silhouette of a woman waking up from a nightmare — "I just had a nightmare -- I got married." (photo by Cathy Kaplan)

It’s no secret that women in China worry about getting married. Sometimes it’s because she’s approaching 30 – China’s unofficial expiration date for single women. Sometimes it has to do with parents and relatives raining that “why don’t you have a boyfriend?” question on her over and over again like neverending debris from Chinese New Year fireworks. And sometimes, in the case of my 22-year-old cousin Mei, the problem isn’t age or being a chronic singleton, but marriage itself.

“I don’t really want to get married. I’m afraid!”

Moments before Mei confessed her fear of an institution as integral to Chinese life as chopsticks and rice, I had told her she looked beautiful. Her navy-striped ruffle-trimmed blouse and khaki mini shorts accentuated her lovely Pippi Longstocking freckles, and she had long, creamy legs that could have stopped even high speed trains, perched atop patent leather high heels. If she had told me she had a boyfriend, I would have started teasing her about some imaginary hot date she didn’t have that evening. But she had no boyfriend, and no desire to find one either.

“Everyone around me is getting divorced,” she sighed.

“Who is getting divorced?” Continue reading “One Chinese Woman Fears Marriage”

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Ask the Yangxifu: Western Parents Say No to Chinese Boyfriend?

Angry white man clenching his teeth — What should a Western woman do when her parents disapprove of her Chinese boyfriend? (photo by Alessandro Paiva)

M asks:

Me and my Chinese boyfriend have been dating for six months. His parents are happy that he is dating with me and have nothing against me. This is totally different with my own parents! They cannot understand why I don’t want a western man, but prefer an Asian one. In their opinion (especially my father’s) Chinese men just keep their wives as slaves, hit them, sleep with prostitutes after work and have child-wives. I really don’t know how to make my parents to believe that my boyfriend is certainly not like this! My parents are very prejudiced against any other nationalities except our own. My mother actually dared to ask me if I was sure that my boyfriend is not engaged to some Chinese child in China!

Do you have any advise how I should cope with this situation? My boyfriend and I live in the UK, but my parents and his don’t. However my mum is coming here this summer and I’m hoping to reduce his prejudices when she sees my boyfriend 😉 Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Western Parents Say No to Chinese Boyfriend?”

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Living Apart from my Chinese Husband for the Summer in China

Motorcycle parked in front of a Chinese home in the countryside — What happens when my Chinese husband works for the summer in Shanghai, while I'm parked at the Chinese family home in the countryside?

John, my Chinese husband, came to China this summer to work on his dissertation research. If I was working on a research question for this summer, it might be this — what happens when a foreign woman comes to China with her Chinese husband and then spends the majority of the summer apart from him?

Since the afternoon of May 8, 2011, John and I have lived in separate cities in China. He stays in Shanghai, as he prepares to do a clinical trial for his dissertation research. Meanwhile, I stay at the family home in rural Hangzhou, where I can read, write and do a little research for my writing.

On paper, it works perfectly. John and I both knew he would be far too busy in Shanghai, which meant if we stayed together I’d be on my own most of the time. It made sense for me to go back to the family home, because I needed a space to write and longed for the inspiration of our relatives there.

But in practice, I have to face that one thing every happily married couple grapples with when they’re apart — missing your loved one more than you imagined.

It’s not like ours is a new tale in China. Haven’t we all heard of those families – especially from the rural countryside – where often the husband goes to the big city for some job, and his wife stays at home? Or even where both the husband and the wife head to different cities for work? Continue reading “Living Apart from my Chinese Husband for the Summer in China”

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Ask the Yangxifu: Unlucky in Love in China

A stiletto high heel crushing a rose petal — Friday the 13 -- the perfect time for stories of unfortunate love. (photo by Aleksandra P.)

Programming note: from May 2 until May 13, I’ll be in the process of flying to and then settling down in China for the summer. During this time, I’ll be digging up some classic content from the archives, and sharing it with you in the form of theme-related posts. And don’t worry — I’ll be back on May 16. Promise! 😉

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This is Friday the 13th, one of the unluckiest days of the year — a perfect time for tales of star-crossed lovers, and relationship woes, Ask the Yangxifu style:

Cheating With a Married Chinese Man. An American woman clings to an illicit relationship, and wants to believe it could be so much more. Too bad he’s married with children.

When a Chinese Man Buries His Love. There’s nothing worse than when he loves you, but decides he won’t move forward with the relationship. Makes me want to cry over Love in the Time of Cholera one more time.

Can Western Women Love a Communist Military Man? A military man in China would love to date Western women. Only problem? The government forbids it. This has all the makings of a modern-day version of Romeo and Juliet set in China.

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Do you have a question about life, dating, marriage and family in China/Chinese culture (or Western culture)? Every Friday, I answer questions on my blog. Send me your question today.

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In the Mood for Summer Love (in China)

A bride and groom running through a green park in the summer — (photo by Fran Flores)

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Okay, it may only be May — but in the Hangzhou region, where my Chinese husband’s family lives, summer is on like a renao Chinese wedding banquet.

For me, summer is a time of love. That’s when I first came to know and fall in love with my Chinese husband John. So if you’re in the mood for some romance, these entries just might get your heart fluttering:

John is My Chinese Boyfriend. That late summer night by the West Lake, when John and I fell in love to the sound of cicadas.

Of Lovely Bouquets and China Birthday Programs. Three lovely summer bouquets, and the thoughts of John’s “birthday program” tantalized me as I got closer to this Chinese man.

The Dog Days of My China Summer. This entry is my little Valentine to the dog John and I loved so much a few summers ago.

Have you ever had a memorable “summer love” experience in China?

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On Love in the Workplace in China

Confident business man in suit and tie reaching out. — (photo by Henk L)

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It’s the Labor Day holiday in China, and that makes me think of how labor and love work together in China. After all, I met my husband through work.

Today, I’m sharing a roundup of my favorite posts about love in the workplace in China — from breaking up during business hours to why you should never consider customers your lovers (yikes!):

My Heart is Shut Away, My Chinese Boyfriend is Gone. If you’re going to fall in love at work, be careful who you choose. I fell for a man who sat right next to me — and when we broke up, I had to face the pain every single day.

Negotiating For My Life in China. When I suddenly lost my job and visa, my Chinese boyfriend John stood by my side and even helped me negotiate with the Chinese CEO.

Customers Are Our Lovers. Customers and foreign copywriters in China write the darnedest things in the office. A personal favorite. 😉

What are your stories of love and work in China?

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Ask the Yangxifu: Will Chinese Men Date Taller, Heavier Women?

Chinese husband and I beside Lake Michigan — Will Chinese men date women who are taller and heavier than them?

Big and beautiful asks:

I’m an European woman. Because of my job, I’ll be staying in China for 2 years. I’m already studying Mandarin, but I’ve never had a Chinese friend or boyfriend. I’m curious about Chinese men’s opinion of women who are taller and larger than them. Is there a lot of discrimination? Is their ideal woman short and skinny? Where I live, most men don’t like dating a woman who’s bigger than them, but it’s not completely taboo. Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Will Chinese Men Date Taller, Heavier Women?”

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