AMWF couples | Speaking of China

Guest Post: How I Met My Asian Christian Grey (Reader Discretion Advised)

Flye Hudson, a Lesbian Pickup Artist, shares the story of how she met her “Asian Christian Grey” in this guest post. She also reveals an excerpt from her new memoir PET., the story of how she was seduced by her Asian Christian Grey and how they both joined forces to become prominent members of the underground seduction community.

(NOTE: Flye references sexual content and language that may be offensive to some readers. Reader discretion is advised.)

Do you have a story you’re itching to share on Speaking of China? Check out the guest post guidelines at the submit a post page right now.
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A lot of people aren’t aware of the different types of relationships that occur for AMWF couples. A lot of people aren’t aware of the true dominance that Asian men really have. I read a lot of… romance books. And believe it or not, many of them are cheesy. What I’ve lived however is something that is very much on the dark side. A chaotic and messed up romance life in an underground community of seduction artists. I still can’t believe I am living the real thing.

There have been a lot of crazy things that have happened with my partner and I. We met off of a fetish website that catered to BDSM, which I was referred to by my former sorority sister. When I had filled out my profile, I was also trying to get back at my now ex girlfriend who had cheated on me with her girlfriend and her former boyfriends. I had specifically wrote in that I had high preferences for Asian men but was open to all kinds of men (at the time I didn’t think most Asian men would be attracted to my plainness. I was definitely the cat loving, rock loving, emo scene kind of girl back then unlike today). I had received MANY messages that were very inappropriate, especially some that were racist for me putting down Asian men. It’s amazing how insecure and rude some dudes can be on the internet.

I received a message finally from someone who approached me with the line: “Been hit up by a lot of creepers, huh?” At first I didn’t think anything of it because it was the first normal message I had ever received on the site. So maybe it was a little silly of me, but I went back and forth with him. But after a short exchange of messages, a Skype call, an accidental stand up on a date, and finally meeting in person, we ended up dating and getting into a lot of trouble.

Trouble means a lot of things. From obeying and serving an Asian Master, to having a threesome with my ex girlfriend on Halloween night, to two hospital visits, to learning the art of seduction, to the amazing parties and women we met on the way in our journey, to meeting his traditional Chinese mother who found our sex toy kit, we have been through so much. And while a lot of pain and torment came with some of our adventures, I do not regret them.

To get a taste of those adventures, here’s an excerpt from my new memoir PET.

*****

“Hey, did you forget about our date?”

I had already f***** it up! Wednesday at 2. How could I have forgotten? Perhaps it was me checking my bank account every so often that I stressed a little prematurely- I had taken an additional shift at an odd job that I considered to be sweet but had me going more insane than I already was.

“You’re really pretty,” said a six year old, playing with my hair. I look up at a few of the workers. They smiled with their mouths but glared with their eyes.

“You know what I wish?” the boy asked.

“No idea buddy,” I said, brushing off their stares, “What do you wish for?”

“I wish I were a zombie so that I could sneak into your room every night and bite your face off.” He whispered, then proceeding to put his hands around my neck and squeeze. I laughed nervously and looked to the other counselors for help. They stared angrily for a few moments before snatching the kid off and leading him to a different activity.

I didn’t understand my passion for working in such crazy conditions. Maybe I just had a heart for people who needed help- or maybe I was just crazy and wanted to work somewhere that made me feel more normal. But none of it mattered for the time being, because I had just lost the most exciting thing that happened to me all month.

“I’ll make it up to You,” I reasoned, “Let’s do Friday. I’ll buy You lunch, my treat.”

“Sorry, I don’t like getting stood up,” Ryder said, “Good luck in the future.”

“I know, I forgot and I’m sorry,” I said, “but I was really working. I needed the money and I just got paid. Let me treat You out.”

“I don’t know.”

“Is there any way I can make You change your mind?” I asked.

Silence. Five minutes later, my phone buzzed.

Ryder. “Let’s talk on video tonight. Right now.”

“Right now?”

“Why not? Are you a catfish? Why else would you be afraid?”

Because I looked like a pile of s***?

“Give me 30 minutes?” I texted.

“Yep.”

Plenty of time to do makeup and fix that hairrrrrrr.

Within 30 minutes I had clicked onto the video screen, made the call, and then… Wow.

It was love at first Skype.

“Hey,” He said. But at the time, there was no trace of seriousness on Him whatsoever. He was smiling, grinning ear to ear.

“Hello,” I said, immediately attracted to the man who looked better than His pictures online. I couldn’t feel my face for a moment, until He started laughing.

“What’s so funny?” I huffed, feeling insecure, “do You think I’m a catfish?”

“You’re hilarious,” He responded, “and no. I just never took you as a funny girl. But hey, thanks for not flaking on the call. You had me thinking you weren’t real.”

“Funny girl? Of course I’m real,” I justified. “And I’m sorry I flaked. Work, it just-”

Ryder laughed again. “No worries. You’re totally shady though.”

“Whatever you say,” I said, relaxing, “so You said You’re from Partytown University?”

“Yep. Now I work.”

“What do You do?”

“I’m a manager, remember?”

“Oh, that’s right,” I said, unfolding my fingers into quotes, “Ize Management Major.’”

He only laughed again. “Exactly.”

It was so confusing how calm and happy He seemed. His texts seemed a little more serious, but talking to Him- He was so laid back. It was just different from what I experienced.

But not bad, not bad at all.

“What about you?” He asked.

“I’m a social worker and some other s***,” I said, “interesting jobs.”

“How many jobs do you work?”

“2 part time.”

“How’s the money?”

“Decent enough,” I lied.

“You said you’re from Hometown?” Ryder asked.

“Yeah, it’s the pits.”

“Ain’t hard to imagine.”

“So what brought You to the site?” I blurted out. It was a question weighing heavily on my mind.

Another laugh- in a darker tone.

“I want to find a submissive,” Ryder said, “I had an ex girlfriend a while back who wasn’t into the lifestyle. Wasn’t very fun. So now I’m much more free to do as I please. I’m looking for someone who’s open minded, eager to learn, and who knows the meaning of loyalty. And what brings you here?”

“Have You ever had a submissive before?” I asked, cringing at the word ‘loyal’.

“A few. Have you always enjoyed avoiding questions?” Ryder snickered.

“Fine.” I said. Maybe I was playing too many games. “I’m here because I’m tired of the way I’m living my life. I’m not a bad girl or anything. In fact, I’ve usually spent most of my life being busy- even too busy for me. I want to figure out what I really want and experience more out of life with the right person. I just want to find someone that I can grow to love in servitude.”

Ryder’s expression was unreadable.

“I’m used to people f****** around with me,” I said suddenly, “people who like to push me over, use me, play their games. So if You’re here to play games and f*** me over, it’s not going to work.”

“But you’re the one who stood me up, right?” Ryder smirked.

He did have a point.

“Don’t worry,” Ryder said, “you’re not the only one in that boat.”

“How many girls have You been with?”

“9 or 10,” Ryder said, “you?”

“About the same,” I said.

“Guys or girls?”

“Girls.”

“So you’re a pimp,” Ryder teased, “or should I say a madam.”

“No, that’s not nice,” I pouted.

“But I’m not a nice guy,” Ryder winked.

Something peered at me from inside the closet.

Flye Hudson is also known as “The Lesbian Pickup Artist” and is the author of PET., the story of how she was seduced by her Asian Christian Grey and how they both joined forces to become prominent members of the underground seduction community today. You can contact her at [email protected]
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Speaking of China is always on the lookout for outstanding guest posts! If you have something you’d like us to feature, visit the submit a post page for details — and then submit yours today.

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Guest Post: Why We Are Not Married (Yet)

Betty of Betty Has A Panda has lived happily with Mr. Panda in Vienna, Austria for over seven years. But they’re not married — and it has led to lots of uncomfortable questions, including questions Betty has asked herself.

Do you have a story you’d like to share here on Speaking of China? We’re always on the lookout for terrific guest posts. Check out the submit a post page for more on how to have your writing featured here.
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3609054839_d44354ff41_z — (Photo by Nick Nguyen)

I am tired. Tired of all the ‘Why are you not married? Do you want to break up?” questions, or the pronouncements of ‘Oh, he is ONLY your boyfriend!’ Tired of explaining our allegedly ‘not-so-serious’ relationship and why we are not married (yet). While I think that this little detail of saying ‘I do!’ is not of any concern to anyone, I do not want to see others belittle our relationship just because we did not seal our relationship in front of a random registrar (yet). Is our relationship not worth as much as that of someone who is already married? This could be due to varied reasons, liberal worldviews, no bureaucratic obstacles, or bad role models. Beyond doubt, not being married does not make our relationship less worthy, and to answer all of those questions: we do not plan to break up. Not now, and also not in the future. Why would we date and live together for more than seven years now? Mr. Panda and I have our reasons to shack up.

Let me start at the beginning. Parents’ relationships can sometimes be a disastrous example to their children, which can make it hard for their children to connect with others – emotionally and legally. Mr. Panda’s parents are not exactly how I would imagine devoted parents. You could actually say they are as loving and caring as a metal scouring pad. Mr. Panda was the unplanned latecomer, and was therefore always made responsible for all troubles brewing in Chinese parent’s fragile marriage. Albeit they already split up three times before Mr. Panda was born, and came back together again. Mean teasing and verbal insults were on top of their daily agenda — not what one might expect in a loving and caring relationship. Of course divorce is absolutely prohibited. Instead, they continue to live with each other, leaving both their children emotionally crippled und almost unable to be in a working relationship with someone.

On top of that, only soon after Mr. Panda and I started dating, another event aggravated Mr. Panda’s beliefs in the whole social construct called marriage. As another blow of fate, Mr. Panda’s older brother, married to a woman from the Middle East with two children, filed for divorce due to cultural and personal disagreements – and told his parents only six months later. He had been married for quite some time, but sadly, in the end, it did not work out. While both of them separated without any bad feelings, the parents’ world collapsed. Mr. Panda’s mom cried for weeks, begging and commanding them not to separate, but naturally nothing helped. Soon after, the former wife moved out, and cracked the last intact pieces of Mr. Panda’s mom’s picture of a perfect family. I consoled her for weeks, trying to put her sorrows about her grandchildren at ease. Her faith in functioning marriages was busted, and as a result Mr. Panda is even more scared now. He is not scared that our relationship will break apart. But the only two marriages around him just did not work out. The reason why he did not propose to me so far? He is scared our relationship might end after marriage, and to a certain degree I can understand his (baseless) anxiety.

What is my excuse? I was busy with my studies, and time just flew by far too fast. Just in a blink of an eye, many years passed by. Up until now, I did not really care whether we said ‘I do!’ or not. We had no need to rush because we are not in desperate need of a visa. We are not pressured to do so because of some religious beliefs. We just spend our days happily together.

But this year, one thing led to another. I found out about the big AMWF community on the internet, which was all about happily married (intercultural) couples with their beautiful wedding photos. Furthermore, we were invited to a summer wedding by one of my friends, and another one of my good friends got engaged. Thanks to these events I also developed an urge to marry Mr. Panda, and I started to believe that it would actually draw us closer together.

It is a fact that nothing in our relationship will change after we marry. We will both live our lives together as we did up until now. We will both be just as serious about us being happy together and passionate about our relationship as we are now. We both will be the same individuals as ever. And still, here I am, apparently forgetting my liberal beliefs, letting my modern world break down over a marriage certificate I don’t need, while I am waiting for him to take the first step.

The last few months, we talked elaborately about this topic, I tried to discuss his fears and about how we both felt about marriage. But as expected, he did not want to talk about his feelings. Our conversations were rather rational. However, some time ago, he confessed to me that he was thinking about us and our future very hard for quite some time now. He asked me to be patient — that I should wait a little more — making me all excited. Hopefully, traumatized Mr. Panda can gather all his courage soon and will finally propose.

Betty and Mr. Panda live in Vienna, Austria, where she shares fascinating stories about their more than seven years together at www.bettyhasapanda.com.
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Speaking of China is always on the lookout for outstanding guest posts! If you have something you’d like us to feature, visit the submit a post page for details — and then submit yours today.

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Interview with Competitive Ceroc/Modern Jive Dancers Samson Chan and Georgia Traher

Falling in love on the dance floor is not just the stuff of romantic comedies. It happened in London, England to Samson “Samo” Chan and book blogger Georgia Traher, who felt the sparks fly while dancing Modern Jive and Ceroc for fun.

But for this AMWF couple, dancing is more than a hobby. Samson recently won first place in the Advanced Freestyle category with his partner and now competes at an open level. Georgia, who has danced since she was 13, is an intermediate dancer just starting her competitive career. Wow!

This weekend, they will rock the ballrooms of Hong Kong as participants in the Pan Asian Ceroc Championships, a charity event raising money for Angels for Orphans. Here’s a Youtube video from last year’s event:

In fact, the couple will be part of a group lead by Samson that will provide entertainment:

Be entertained by performances from Samson Chan and his team of 8 young, vibrant Ceroc dancers…

…and instruction on Saturday Oct 24:

4-5pm, Whips & Scrolls with Samson ‘Samo’ Chan:

Want to leave your followers with that “Wwheee!” feeling and impress onlookers? Whip along to this workshop to cover both some whirlwind moves and slick techniques.

The technique side will focus on connection for both lead and follow, then you’ll be learning a style of moves called ‘Whips’ and ‘Scrolls’ that can be used to enhance your smooth jive repertoire.

About Samo

Samo is known for his smooth and fluid style. This diverse dancer has stormed onto the UK ceroc scene, winning people over with his infectious smile and whirlwind whips. His smooth jive butters up all he dances with, and his collection of trophies would tell you the judges love him too!

FYI, for those of you new to Ceroc, here’s a quick introduction from the Ceroc website:

Ceroc is an abbreviation of the French phrase c’est Rock.

We have been introducing complete beginners to the world of partner dancing for over 30 years and today we are the biggest dance club in the world with hundreds of classes across the globe.

We teach dance in its general form, and we use dances like Salsa, Ballroom, Latin American, Street dance, Hip Hop, Musical Theatre, Tango and Jive to develop our creative and expressive inner-self.

I sat down with Georgia and Samson to learn more about how they met, their strengths as dancers, and what they’ll be up to during the Pan Asian Ceroc Championships.

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You both met on the dance floor. Could you tell us a little bit about that first time you were together?

We had had a few dances before we officially ‘met’ but he soon became my favourite dancer.

Most nights after the class, the group will move on to a nearby bar to keep dancing. As we were walking over, he asked me out for a drink on our own and we’ve carried on dancing since then.

You do Ceroc and Modern Jive dancing. Why are you attracted to these styles of dance?

The Ceroc franchise is set up to be friendly and for socialising as well as learning to dance. All dancing is great for meeting people, my dad and step mum met while dancing (tango) as well! Modern jive isn’t what people imagine, it is alot smoother than traditional jive or swing dancing and people often surprise themselves with how easy it is to learn few moves.

Could you tell us a little about your competitive strengths as dancers?

Competitions are so much fun! Samson inspired me to start to compete after I watched him (win) in London. Competition dancing is a little different to our usual freestyle (casual/social) Dancing. You get used to finding your judge and showing off your personality. Samson’s speciality is musicallity and hitting every beat with a ‘wow’ move with his partner. I love the feeling of competition dancing, you have to tighten up your styling and there is nothing like hearing the crowd cheer!

This weekend, you are both in Hong Kong for the Pan Asian Ceroc Championships, which is being organized as a charity event for Angels for Orphans. Could you tell us a little about what you and Samson will be dancing in this competition and how your efforts are supporting this charity?

This weekend the Pan Asia Ceroc Championships are going on. We are a group of eight and we are performing a group caberet dance, which features ceroc in its most advanced forms to show off what is possible with these simple dance moves. Some of the more advanced in the group will be judging the competition beginner categories, and the group is also providing two workshops to pass on some signature moves. We’re entertainment, judges and instructors for the weekend.

What advice would you have for someone interested in competitive dance?

Here I’ll hand over to Samson as he’s the expert: The most important things for competitive ceroc dancing are the couple’s personality, that they are compatible with eachother and dance with the same style. A few flash moves are useful but most of all it’s important to listen to the music. And as I tell Georgia: No making faces! A resting happy face is fine, but if you mess up pretend you didn’t, you might think the judges can’t see a wrinkled nose, but they’re always watching! You have to love every move and every song, even if you’re dancing to YMCA by the village people!

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A big thanks to Georgia and Samson for this interview! If you’re in Hong Kong and wondering what to do this weekend, consider heading to the Pan Asian Ceroc Championships, where you can catch them and many other brilliant dancers in action while supporting the charity Angels for Orphans. Book lovers will enjoy Georgia’s book blog Stories in Books.

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Wanted: Talented Men/Women in AMWF Couples to Interview Here

The more I’ve come to know the AMWF community here in China and beyond, the more I’ve realized that, truly, we’ve got talent in more ways than one. Singer songwriters, musicians, entrepreneurs, actors, artists, dancers and much more. I’ve already featured a few talented folks here (such as Ember Swift and Jess Meider).

And that got me thinking. Wouldn’t it be fun to introduce more outstanding individuals in the community – inspiring men and women who just happen to be part of an AMWF couple?

If you’re talented and in an AMWF couple, or would like to recommend someone who fits that description, e-mail me today! If I choose to feature you on the blog, you’ll be interviewed by me and have the opportunity to promote your work here.

I look forward to hearing from you with your suggestions. In the meantime, here’s to our talented community!

P.S.: I also welcome guest posts to run on Fridays – and if you’ve been thinking about submitting something to my blog, it’s never been a better time. I have a lot of openings in the next coming weeks. Check out the submit a post page for details on what I’m looking for.

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The Love Stories of East German Women and North Korean Men in New German Documentary “Loved, Engaged, Lost”

When North Korea sent some 357 men over to the former East Germany in the 1950s to train them, the two countries also unexpectedly set in motion some of the most dramatic and bittersweet stories of forbidden love that I’ve ever encountered.

For example, consider the case of Renata Hong, who waited for 47 years before reuniting with her husband in North Korea:

Renate returned to Germany on Tuesday after a 12-day reunion with her long-lost husband in North Korea – a highly unusual episode given the Communist government’s policy of keeping most of its people without mail or telephone links to the rest of the world, not to mention the Internet.

Traveling with Renate were their two sons. Peter Hyon Zol was 10 months old, and Renate was pregnant with Uwe, when the family broke up in the vortex of the Cold War.

Renate Kleinle and Hong Ok Geun met in 1955, when they attended the same freshman chemistry class at Friedrich Schiller University in Jena, East Germany. Hong was a humorous exchange student from North Korea, then East Germany’s Communist ally.

They fell in love. Because both governments frowned on marriages between North Korean students and East Germans, the couple married in 1960 in a rural town where the local authorities were unaware of the national government’s policy. There were no guests.

The couple’s happy time lasted only one year, however. In 1961, the Pyongyang government recalled all 350 of its students in East Germany, a measure believed prompted by a few North Korean students’ defections to the West. Hong was given 48 hours to pack.

Holding 10-month-old Peter, Renate bid a tearful farewell to Hong at the Jena train station.

I’m tearing up just imagining that scene for myself.

Well, German filmmaker Sung-Hyung Cho stumbled upon Renate’s love story and it inspired her to discover more of these couples, ultimately leading to a new documentary film released in June 2015 titled “Verliebt, Verlobt, Verloren” (“Loved, Engaged, Lost”). Here’s the trailer on Youtube for the documentary film, presented in German (folks in China, you’ll need a VPN to view it):

I’ve also discovered an excellent interview with Sung-Hyung Cho about the film. Here’s a snippet:

DW: What was the idea behind the film?

Sung-Hyung Cho: The story of Renate Hong was very popular in South Korea. In 2006, her story became the talk of the town after a South Korean historian – who had conducted some research in Jena about the relationship between North Korea and East Germany – met Renate Hong by chance.

She narrated her story, and he propagated it on the Internet. The response was overwhelming. The Koreans were blown away by the sad but beautiful love story.

Most Koreans, myself included, know the story. Moreover, I was greatly interested in knowing and better understanding former East Germany. I also wanted to know more about North Korea, even if only indirectly.

Have you ever heard about this fascinating chapter of AMWF history between Germany and North Korea? And, for those of you who have seen the film, what did you think of it?

P.S.: Thanks to Ruth of the wonderful blog China Elevator Stories for tipping me off to this!

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Guest Post: How an American Woman Exchanged Rings, Bows and Hearts with Her Amazing Taiwanese Husband

It’s amazing how the smallest decisions in our lives can change everything. A few years ago, American Anne stepped into a Western restaurant in Taiwan, never expecting that evening’s dinner would come with an introduction to her future husband.

Do you have a serendipitous love story or other guest post worth sharing on Speaking of China? Visit the submit a post page to learn how to have your words featured here.
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A little over two years ago, I exchanged rings, bows and hearts with my amazing Taiwanese husband. It’s incredible to think about all the changes and twists our lives have taken since our fateful meeting over three years ago in a small city in Taiwan.

I had been teaching English in Taiwan for about four months when one evening I decided I really wanted some western food from one of the only western restaurants/bars in the city. It was a 45 minute walk away. The only people I knew at the time were simply interested in going if we shared a taxi, and on that particular evening everyone opted to just stay home. Whatever. I was going to order a freaking quesadilla! I enjoyed a nice walk to the restaurant and as my dinner was delivered on my table by the foreign restaurant owner (also an American) he introduced himself and we exchanged pleasantries. Maybe because I was a random and uncommonly lone western girl outside Taipei or maybe because he was just that good at reading my character he called someone into the restaurant that was walking by the entry door. That person would someday become my husband. He just happened to live in the apartment complex above the restaurant and had slowly development a friendship with Ernie, the restaurant owner. Ernie made some introductions. I think we were both a bit hesitant with the introduction but we were secretly happy to have chance to meet someone, even if it was just a friend in a safe environment.

He was introduced as Aitch (like the letter H) and told me later he never would have talked to me that night if it wasn’t for the fact that a third party introduced us. He believed it would have been quite rude if he had just started talking to me while I was at the restaurant by myself in the middle of eating my dinner. I’ve had some uncomfortable or just awkward first meetings with Asian men in Asia (having also lived in South Korea for nearly two years) so we were both a bit grateful for some common ground to start off with. We are a strange and unique combination of traditional and independent in each of our separate cultural norms, so the blender of that night worked.

He was still in the military when we met so we decided to officially date after his retirement from the military. We soon realized we shared true feelings and connected with real morals and integrity. If we forgot, we took turns stepping up for our values showing we respect ourselves as individual people just as much as a couple. I think what really set us apart from a failed relationship was our wiliness to communicate and make compromises from our old lifestyles, and to feel that those changes could be positive and not just a necessary evil.

Almost exactly a year after we started dating we were back at our favorite restaurant where we met. He proposed to me just like in all the Hollywood movies by secretly placing a ring at the bottom of my glass. The night we met he ordered me a strawberry margarita, and I guess I should have thought something was up when I saw the same drink placed on our table because I don’t order it that often. In addition, I really had no clue this night would be special because I was developing a cold and we decided we would take a visit to the doctors after we finished dinner — so romantic. I’m a notoriously slow eater and I remember swishing the straw around because all the berries would quickly collect at the bottom. I’m sure watching that was pure torture for him. As I finished my drink I promptly stated “ok, let’s go” not realizing the important contents still in the glass. As I got up he quickly declared “wait, I think you forgot something” and he proceeded to pull the ring out himself and bend down on one knee.

We married at the Shilin court house in Taipei September 28th, 2013. We were both happy and thankful we had a small wedding as I’ve always dreaded the stress of the wedding day and the stress mountain of coordinating and planning for it. We were sure lucky our parents understood and supported a small wedding. Honestly, we decided four days before the date that that was the day to do it. Only enough time to get the witness registration paperwork ready. It was thankfully so relaxed we even took a nap after lunch when we got home!

I would say marriage to someone outside my cultural group was one of the hardest and one of the easiest things I’ve ever done. We’ve both learned so much about ourselves, the world, and what we find the hardest to accept about our past conditioning and what is truly important for our future. Communication is crucial, and it will always be a challenge- we have very different communication styles! I consider myself fairly indirect via American standards, but I’m utterly outspoken to him, and he’s ok with that.

We’ve often talked about how many subtle events had to line up in order for us to meet, and I feel so honored and lucky to have snagged this one. Had I not, I most definitely would have returned back to Michigan after completing my first year contract. He appreciates my personality, values and simplicity, while I in turn love his loyalty, drive and compassion. He makes me feel valued for who I am- not who I was or who I’ll be tomorrow. Though we don’t know where we will plant our feet in the future, we have very recently moved to Singapore and are in the process of learning more and more about ourselves and our relationship in a global community. Happy anniversary, I continue to look forward to walking this path with you!

Anne Elizabeth Moss is a newly established Bellyfit®, Bellydance and Yoga instructor in Singapore. You can find her at https://www.facebook.com/riksardance.

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Speaking of China is always on the lookout for outstanding guest posts! If you have something you’d like us to feature, visit the submit a post page for details — and then submit yours today.

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Why Did I Assume I Would Stay Single in China?

Earlier this month, Rosalie (the blogger behind Rosie in BJ) publicly explored some of her own prejudices in a post titled, “Why Did I Assume I’d Never Find a Man to Date in China?”

As I was reading her article, I suddenly realized that I too had a pre-China backstory worth sharing – one of relationships that never came to be, and what ifs that point to my own prejudices. So here goes:

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In coming to China, the last thing I expected was to end up dating a local guy, let alone marrying one (as I ended up doing with John, pictured here with me). Why?

“You don’t have to worry about the students falling in love with you.”

Before I embarked on my first trip to China, where I would teach English at a college, I met up with one of the former teachers several times for dinner or drinks. And when the subject of student crushes came up – something he had been forced to navigate very delicately – he negated the possibility of anything similar happening to me.

Of course I didn’t question his words. Hadn’t I already envisioned my year-long assignment much like a vow of chastity? I spoke to friends of my interest in studying Tai Chi over there and visiting some local temples, as if I were about to spend my months as a nun instead of an English teacher. It was an opportunity to travel to a new country, a way to postpone my post-graduate dilemma regarding career decisions, and nothing more than that.

Or so I thought.

Then I moved to Zhengzhou, China – and found myself with a crush on one of the first guys I met there, a former student from the program I would teach for. Over a month later, he introduced me to his friend, a guy who was also a former student – and would become so much more to me in the weeks that followed:

Yao came into my life, in all of his sleek, sexy and sullen James Dean perfection, dressed in a black leather jacket as dark as his mysterious melancholy. When my heart raced after our first dinner together, I thought it was just another adolescent crush. Embarrassed, I wanted to just box my feelings away like all of the Barbie Dolls and little girl hairclips of my past.

Then he took me to that teahouse one Sunday afternoon. Over two Taiwanese bubble teas, the truth bubbled through to the surface of my own heart — I loved him with an uncontrollable depth that plunged far beyond the bottom of my tea cup. And, I began to realize, so did he, because he overflowed with confessionals that he had never before poured over with anyone else.

Not long after, our our passions percolated over into romance — a real boyfriend/girlfriend love that translated into steamy weekends at his apartment, hand-in-hand walks around the gardens of Zhengzhou University, and the occasional afternoon out at the Taiwanese teahouse, his favorite in the city. Bubble tea never tasted so sweet.

In his arms, it was so easy for me to forget that I had once secretly declared this year a lonely one without a single chance for dating. And it was also very easy for me to turn a disdainful eye to my female coworkers at the school, all Americans who had no interest in the local men.

I couldn’t help but wonder, why did I assume that I would be single in China? Why did I think I would never date Chinese men? Was it merely that I grew up in an incredibly white middle-class suburb (I could count on one hand the Asian men I knew from kindergarten to high school graduation)? Was it the overwhelming absence of positive images of Asian men in the whitewashed world of American popular culture?

I think back to my college years, a time when I met many foreign Asian men – including Japanese and Cambodian. I called many of them close friends, yet why did I never let them get any closer to me? Why did I always immediately relegate them to the “friend zone” and nothing more? Why did my white girlfriends and I only giggle over white celebrity heartthrobs in high school, like Tom Cruise?

It’s just not right.

All I know is this — in China, I found the sexiest and most amazing men that I had ever known. I ended up marrying one and I’m still crazy in love with him. (Thank you, John!) It took crossing an entire ocean and time zones to realize that my assumptions about dating in China were a lie.

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Interview with Yuta Aoki on “There’s Something I Want to Tell You: True Stories of Mixed Dating in Japan”

Exploring cultural differences in my intercultural and international marriage has long been at the heart of my blog. Which is why, when Yuta Aoki contacted me about his new book exploring cultural differences for mixed couples dating in Japan, I jumped at the chance to do an interview.

There’s Something I Want to Tell You: True Stories of Mixed Dating in Japan profiles 15 different people (spanning eight nationalities, both straight and LGBT) dating across racial and cultural borders in the country. Yuta’s deeply personal interviews touch some of the most private and intimate details of their love lives. He follows up each of the stories with a discussion of the cultural dynamics going on between the couples, which makes the book even more valuable. Whether you’re curious about intercultural dating in Japan or already in an intercultural relationship, you’ll find this a fascinating addition to your library.

I’m excited to introduce you to Yuta Aoki and There’s Something I Want to Tell You: True Stories of Mixed Dating in Japan through this interview.

Here’s Yuta’s bio from Amazon.com:

Yuta Aoki is a Japanese author, blogger, and YouTuber. He writes about Japanese culture, multi-cultural communication, and dating.

He is a chronic traveler. He has been to more than thirty countries, from Eastern Europe all the way across to Southeast Asia. He enjoys talking to local people and listening to their stories. His desire to share the best of these stories inspired him to write There’s Something I Want to Tell You – True Stories of Mixed Dating in Japan.

He dates internationally, although he’s slightly worried that he might end up spending more time writing about dating than actually doing it.

He was born and raised in Japan.

You can learn more about Yuta at his blog at YutaAoki.com.

I asked Yuta about everything from how he was able to get people to speak so candidly about their love lives, to his response to people who think culture doesn’t matter in intercultural dating:

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Tell us about the inspiration for writing this book.

One huge inspiration was my friend’s story about how she met her husband. She is African-American and her husband is Japanese.

One day, she was walking down the street of Gunma, a Japanese prefecture where she liked at that time. A car approached behind her and pulled up.

‘What’s up?’ the man inside shouted in English. He was Japanese.

‘Uh… good evening,’ she replied in Japanese, hesitantly.

He smiled, wanting to continue the conversation.

But she wasn’t up for a random chat. It was already getting dark. The sun was going down. She walked away.

She would have forgotten him, had it not been for the birthday party she was going to the same night. The party took place on the 2nd floor of a building where there were several bars.

During the party, her phone rang. It was her friend.

‘Hey, can you come downstairs? There’s someone I want to introduce you to,’ her friend said.

When she came downstairs, she noticed a familiar-looking man.

‘Hey, you are the guy from the car!’ she exclaimed.

That was how she met her husband.

This story made me realize that people had unusual dating stories. I also remembered a friend who had made countless crazy boyfriend, one of which had run 40 kilometers (25 miles) just to see her. I wanted to know more.

You share a variety of stories about dating in Japan from people of different nationalities, racial backgrounds and sexual orientations — many of them diving into very intimate and personal details about the relationships. How did you find the people to interview for this book? And how were you able to get them to speak so candidly on the record?

Finding people to interview was quite easy as I already knew very diverse people who lived in Japan. All I had to do was ask around. Then some of them introduced me to other people.

I think the reason why those people opened up was that most people actually want to talk about their relationships. Often, we are afraid of being judged. But once someone stars actively listening to you, you can’t stop.

I think being interviewed is a very interesting experience. I encourage you to try it if there’s an opportunity. If you have an interesting dating story, contact me!

What’s your favorite story from this book and why?

Every time people ask that question, I come up with a different answer because there are so many interesting stories.

There’s an American girl called Lily, and I loved her quasi-relationship with a dorky, smart, obsessive Japanese guy called Aiba-kun. Lily wants to be his friends because he’s a smart guy and likes Japanese literature which she likes a lot. He’s also one of few friends Lily made back in university in Nagoya. But Aiba-kun doesn’t seem to be able to shake off his romantic obsession. There have been countless misunderstandings—both personal and cultural—between them.

Once, Lily decided to go on a “date” with him. She knew he hadn’t dated any girl before, so she wanted him to experience what it was like to go out with a girl. She was always clear that she wasn’t interested in him, but it was difficult for him to hold back his feelings.

Lily had to go back to the States, but they continued exchange emails even though she found it difficult to write long messages in Japanese.

Eventually, she came back to Japan and started living in Tokyo, quite far from Nagoya. One day, Aiba-kun showed up in her house unnoticed. It was an awkward meeting. Lily had to take him to a nearby café and convince him to leave because he kept insisting on dating her.

But their (sort of) friendship still continues. Lily thinks that once he gets over his infatuation, they can be really good friends.

I like this story because it has several layers of misunderstanding. On one hand, there is American dating culture that tends to be more casual and relaxed. On the other hand, there is an awkward boy who is not experienced with women. I find their friendship kind of cute.

Was there anything you learned about dating in Japan in the process of writing this book that surprised or shocked you?

It’s not so much surprising as curious, but so many Japanese people in those stories are, well, Japanese, in their way of thinking.

Western women who date Japanese men often find it confusing that Japanese men don’t always express their emotions and thoughts verbally.

Michelle, a Finnish girl, says her Japanese ex-boyfriend didn’t want to talk about bad things because he didn’t like confrontations. He wasn’t a talkative guy, and when they went on a date, he didn’t have much to say. She wanted him to talk more.

Kala, another African-American woman, talks about the ‘automatic translator’ that she invented to decode her Japanese husband’s non-verbal messages. When her husband is hungry, he comes around the kitchen, where she is cooking, and asks, ‘Do you need any help?’ But Kala knows he is not really offering help. It’s his indirect way of saying, ‘I’m hungry.’

Lack of verbal, direct communication is just one thing. There are a lot of recurring themes about dating in Japan: mind-reading, passiveness in bed, accommodating personalities, private nature of dating, etc. It was interesting to re-discovering my own culture.

What would you say to people who claim that culture doesn’t matter in intercultural dating?

I think what they really mean is that cultural differences can be overcome, which isn’t false.

But some people overlook or simply don’t notice cultural differences and that can be a problem. I remember Andre, a Jamaican man, who dated a Japanese girl who had a completely different communication style.

When she wanted to stop seeing him, she simply stopped answering his text, which confused Andre a great deal because he needed a verbal, explicit explanation. The more he pushed, the more irritated she was. It wasn’t necessarily his fault because from her part, she was unable to communicate with him effectively. Instead, she just became angry and passive-aggressive, which confused him even more.

It turned out their relationship had been fraught with misunderstandings, which neither of them fully understood. I think a little understanding of cultural and personal differences would have made their relationship much more pleasant.

What do you hope people come away with after reading your book?

I hope that people come away with a good understanding of what to expect in dating in Japan. At the same time, I hope people notice that there are many Japanese people who don’t fit the Japanese stereotypes. I included very diverse people in my book, so I you can understand dating in Japan from different angles.

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Thanks so much to Yuta Aoki for this interview! Learn more about Yuta at his blog at YutaAoki.com. You can find There’s Something I Want to Tell You: True Stories of Mixed Dating on Amazon.com, where your purchase helps support this blog.

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Interview with Leza Lowitz on Her Memoir “Here Comes the Sun: A Journey to Adoption in 8 Chakras”

China taught me how to love.

This might sound like a crazy thing to write, but it’s true on many levels. It was here in China that I first experienced what it was really like to love another person, to depend on them and know that they would be there for you. It was also in China that I learned to gradually love myself and, by extension, learned to open my heart to the possibility of writing incredibly personal stuff about my life. So yes, when I get right down to it, my journey here in this country has been about love.

That’s why I found Here Comes the Sun: A Journey to Adoption in 8 Chakras, a new memoir by Leza Lowitz, so touching.

Leza arrived in Japan years ago in search of adventure, never expecting the country would teach her how to open her heart and soul up to new possibilities. Like marriage and yoga, most of all, motherhood itself. For Leza, who grew up watching her mother’s unhappy marriage collapse before her, it was hard to imagine any happiness from saying “I do” to someone or even having children. Yet living in Japan gradually helps her break through the barriers within herself to heal from the past and courageously move into a new future (a future that includes opening her own successful yoga studio in Tokyo). Leza invites you along for this emotional ride, sharing her story with honesty and lots of heart – a story that follows her marriage to a Japanese man named Shogo and, later, her quest to become a mother in Japan.

For anyone who has ever struggled or felt “stuck” in life, Here Comes the Sun stands as a reminder that you’re not alone – and that sometimes, miracles really can happen in the most delightfully unexpected ways.

I’m honored to introduce you to Leza Lowitz and Here Comes the Sun: A Journey to Adoption in 8 Chakras through this interview.

Here’s Leza Lowitz’s official bio from Stone Bridge Press:

Leza Lowitz lives in Tokyo with her husband, the writer Shogo Oketani, and their ten-year-old son. She has edited and published over seventeen books, many on Japan, and has run her own yoga studio in Tokyo for a decade. She travels throughout Japan and Asia to teach yoga and write. Her debut YA novel, Jet Black and the Ninja Wind, won the 2013–2014 Asian/Pacific American Award in Young Adult Literature.

You can learn more about Leza at her author website and read an excerpt from her memoir at Stone Bridge Press.

I asked Leza about everything from the book’s fascinating subtitle to her husband’s take on the story and also her thoughts on marriage and family.

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What inspired you to write this memoir?

Joan Didion, one of my favorite writers (whom I mention in the memoir), famously said, “We tell ourselves stories in order to live.” I wrote this book to write my way out of the struggle, to put things in perspective, and to let it go.

It’s been a long process. I’ve always kept a journal; writing has been my lifesaver. During my infertility struggles, I journaled. With the advent of the Internet and the explosion of blogs, I soon found many other women in the same boat. Their stories helped me find hope and gave me a community, which was also a lifesaver.

After we adopted our son, I published an excerpt from this memoir-in-progress in Shambhala Sun in 2010. The response was so positive that I decided to try to write a book. This was not as easy as it might sound–I was a big “starter,” and not a big “finisher.” Subsequent excerpts appeared in Best Buddhist Writing 2011, Yoga Journal, the New York Times Motherlode blog, and the popular blog Manifest-Station, which kept me on track. Women wrote to thank me for sharing my story, and to share their stories with me, and this gave me the courage to keep going.

Your book is subtitled “A Journey to Adoption in 8 Chakras.” Could you talk about why you chose this unique structure for your memoir?

I was introduced to meditation as a teenager, as I explain in this memoir, and mindfulness helped me deal with the violence around me. Yoga came into my life a decade later, and it has been a huge factor in helping me overcome many of the things that held me back in life. I became a yoga teacher in 2000, and opened my own yoga studio in Tokyo in 2004. I continued writing, marrying my spiritual quest with my literary one. I also moved abroad and married a Japanese man. My life was complicated, as I am sure the reader will understand.

I found that since outer life was so chaotic, I was drawn to poetic forms and structures like haiku and sonnets, which I felt could somehow help to “contain” the chaos. Content-wise, all of my books deal with notions of finding home. As an Expat, this issue was particularly important to me. We all long to belong somewhere.

So, chaos and structure=balance.

One of my first books, Yoga Poems: Lines to Unfold By deals with finding a home in one’s body and takes the Eight Limbs of Yoga as its structure. Yoga Heart: Lines on the Six Perfections, uses the Buddha’s six-tiered blueprint for happiness to chart the path to finding a home in the spirit. In Here Comes the Sun, I’ve taken the chakra system as a metaphor and roadmap for personal growth and transformation, charting the movement from “me” to “we.”

In the yogic system, there are seven major wheels of energy–or chakras–in the human body. The eighth chakra is believed to be our auric field. Each chakra has a particular function. Put simply, when we practice yoga, we awaken energy at the base of the spine, which rises up the central channel and unblocks the chakras along the way. Ultimately, female and male energy meet, and we become awakened, unified, whole.

Some chapters of the memoir deal directly with a particular chakra and the yogic practices that helped to balance it. In others, the work is more symbolic.

Throughout the process of becoming a mother, I had to ask myself questions many mothers never consider, like why did I want to be a mother? This question led me on a pilgrimage from the U.S. to Japan and to India. It led me to yoga, to Buddhism, and back to my birth religion of Judaism. Across inner and outer oceans, the chakras helped me stitch the crazy quilt of life into a pattern that made sense. They helped me to find myself, and ultimately, to find my family.

You explore many painful experiences in your story — from witnessing the breakdown of your parents’ marriage as a child to struggling with infertility. How did it feel to revisit these painful memories in writing the book?

Life is full of pain, and it’s full of joy, and the two often inform each other. If we don’t write authentically from our own deepest experience, the writing won’t have power. So, while it was painful to revist some of those past experiences, writing helped me to overcome them and let them go. Of all the books I’ve written, Here Comes The Sun was definitely the most difficult to write, being so personal. But going through the pain was necessary to be able to come out to joy on the other side. Here Comes The Sun is ultimately about forgiveness, about finding a home in each other and in the world, making choices and owning them. It’s about loving our deeply flawed selves, and loving the lives we have–and make.

Your husband Shogo is one of the most important characters in your memoir. How does he feel about your memoir and his role in helping to open up your heart?

If you read the memoir, you can see that Shogo is very much a person who doesn’t waste energy on things that aren’t worth it. I’ve learned a lot from him. He has always been completely supportive of my experiences, and was totally supportive of me writing this memoir. In fact I think he wanted me to write it, to let the past go and move on! He’s the reason I am who I am today, because he just quietly gets the work done from behind the scenes. He’s incredibly wise, disciplined, and patient. I want to be like him in my next life.

You detail your experience with international adoption in your memoir, something that turns out to be challenging for you and your husband. What would you say to readers out there considering international adoption?

Since we live abroad, we had no choice but to pursue an international adoption. Actually, since we adopted in Japan and live in Japan, it was not really an “international adoption.” But, to anyone considering adoption, I would say do your research, talk to others who have done it, and make sure you are 100% in it for the long haul. Family is family.

So, if you are contemplating adoption, consider what the psychic Dietmar says in my book: “Think of so many women who give birth but have no real heart connection to their children. You see, it’s not always about giving birth from your body.”

Then he says, ”…this child is not going to come from your womb. But it will come from your heart. Which is more important?” The answer is clear. Keep cracking open your heart.

The idea of marriage and family — and whether it can wait — is one of the themes in your memoir. After everything that you’ve experienced, how do you feel about it now?

I think everyone has their own path, their own journey. This has been mine. All the struggles have made the triumphs all the more sweet, and to be honest, I wouldn’t change a thing about it. As the saying goes, “Smooth seas don’t make skillful sailors.” I feel very blessed to have learned the lessons I needed to learn, and to have the beautiful family I now have.

What do you hope readers take away from your story?

If you have a dream, listen to it. The dream is yours for a reason. Do whatever it takes to make it happen. Start now. Stop at nothing to make it come true. And then help others make their dreams come true in whatever way you can.

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Thanks so much to Leza Lowitz for doing this interview about Here Comes the Sun: A Journey to Adoption in 8 Chakras. You can learn more about Leza at her author website and read an excerpt from her memoir at Stone Bridge Press. Here Comes the Sun: A Journey to Adoption in 8 Chakras is available on Amazon.com, where your purchase helps support this blog.

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Guest Post: Everything Happens For A Reason (Even Finding Love + A New Life in Taiwan)

Sometimes, when I think about how I grew up in a very average, very white, very Midwestern suburb in the US, never dreaming that I would eventually find my future husband and a totally new life in China, it blows my mind that here I am in Hangzhou. And yet, at the same time I firmly believe (like many of my husband’s friends) that destiny had a role — that somehow, this was all meant to be.

That’s why I love this guest post from Constance, who blogs at Foreign Sanctuary and writes today about how her unlikely journey to Taiwan (where she met her Taiwanese husband) was anything but an accident. (Enjoy the striking photos as well, a delightful sampling of Constance’s own photography.)

Do you have a story you’d love to see featured here on Speaking of China? To learn how, visit the submit a post page for details.
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If someone had to tell me twenty years ago that I would be living in Taiwan and married to a Taiwanese man, I would have laughed in their face and then, well, I would have probably grabbed my atlas, turned to Asia, and then tried to find the location of where most of my childhood toys were made. Yes, that was probably the extent of my knowledge of Taiwan when I was little – a far away place where people hammered and sewed and assembled the toys that I played with and then stamped ‘Made in Taiwan’ somewhere on the box or toy.

A Selfie with the Chinese New Year Decor

Fast forward to now and I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. If it wasn’t for that casual conversation with friends over a glass (or two) of wine one cold night in January of 1999, I would have never considered teaching in Asia.The thought never, ever crossed my mind until that point in time.

One of my favorite pictures of us - Paris, France — One of my favorite pictures of us – Paris, France

My fortitude and tenacity was tested to the max when it took me nearly an entire week to get to Taiwan, a nightmare that I recently relived while writing my book. I thought about giving up on my dream to move to Asia so many times that week and if it wasn’t for my recruiter, who gave me the extra reassurance that everything was going to be OK, I probably would be in living and working somewhere in Canada right now.

My thirst for adventure and for experiencing new things led me to sign a third contract at the school where I worked at, which extended my time in Taiwan for one more year. And if it wasn’t for that, I wouldn’t have been out celebrating with a group of friends the night my husband literally danced into my life. However, if it wasn’t for his quick thinking and cleverness, he would have not gotten my number that night and we would not be together right now.

Four years later, my husband and I decided to get married. I always knew he was one (nearly) right from the beginning. We shared the same interests such as travel, we had so much fun together, and he always gave me ‘that feeling’ which never dwindled with time. When the newness of the relationship wore off, the feeling of ‘puppy love’ was still there. I was and still am a better person because of him. He is an optimist who dares me to take chances and to dream bigger. I am a realist who keeps him grounded (with regards to certain things). We complement each other. We are better people because of our relationship and each other. We may have grown up on different sides of the world but that makes life interesting.

On June 10, 2005, four years to the exact date that we met, we got married at the court.According to the lunar calendar, it was a perfect day. Probably too perfect! It was definitely a wedding to remember, all for the wrong reasons. Luckily, we had our Canadian church wedding and reception a few months later which was perfect – well, except for me putting the ring on the wrong finger. Plus, we had our reception in Taiwan where we celebrated with our closest friends.

The Beautiful Beach on Jibei [one of the many islands that comprise Penghu off the coast of Taiwan]

Then, we come to the house which we actually purchased three months prior to completion. If it wasn’t for a series of events, this house that we bought over five year ago wouldn’t have been ours. It was the first house we looked at. My husband knew it was the one but I wanted to look at more. It was actually purchased by our neighbor who opted to buy another one. And if it wasn’t been for the poor state of the economy at the time, it would have been sold immediately at a higher price. The house was meant to be ours.

Which brings me to now! If it wasn’t for that heartbreaking news that shook me to the core and tested my hope and strength two years ago this month, but had a happy ending, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. That incident reminds me each and every day of all the good in my life and to appreciate the now, the present!

That is why I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.

Constance is a Canadian expat who currently calls Taiwan home. She blogs about her travel experiences as well as her personal reflections about expat and married life on her blog, Foreign Sanctuary. Photography is one of her passions and she shares photos from her [Photographing 2015] project daily on her Facebook page. She is also an aspiring writer with a memoir in the works.
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Speaking of China is always on the lookout for outstanding guest posts! If you have something you’d like us to feature, visit the submit a post page for details — and then submit yours today.

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