Advice for dealing with your Chinese mother-in-law. Stories about having or relating to a Chinese mother-in-law. All from one Western woman with a Chinese husband.
When I complimented my Chinese mother-in-law's ring, I ended up with a ring of compliments -- to wear.
“I really like your ring, it’s beautiful.”
I couldn’t believe I had missed this lovely glint of silver on the left ring finger of my Chinese mother-in-law, etched in a black with a flower that seemed to burst with all the brilliance of the star of Bethlehem. That’s why I told her I liked it. I don’t believe in keeping a good compliment to myself.
She smiled, wrinkling the corners of her lips as she took her left hand out of the dishwater in the wok to show it to me up close. “Somebody made it in our village.”
She then told me about this metalworking place in town, where silversmiths can fashion such a ring from raw silver. “Do you want one? I can make one for you.”
Her boyfriend considers his ayi like a Chinese mother. But this "Chinese mother," who still works for his ex girlfriend, continues to keep the ex's memory alive and well. What can she do?
Rebecca asks:
I have been dating a man in China for over a year now. He has this ayi. She has been working for him for five years now, and cares for him very much, like a son, and I’ve come to see her as his “Chinese mom.” He says that, aside from me, she is the woman he trusts most in China. I don’t doubt that they have a good relationship.
Then there is the story of how he got this ayi. She was introduced to him by his former girlfriend, a woman he was with for a very long time. The ayi’s main employer is still the former girlfriend. When they broke up, his only request was “I’m keeping the ayi,” and in the year before he met me, the arrangement was peaceful. He and the ex no longer communicate, and he doesn’t ask the ayi for news of the ex.
However, the ex asks the ayi for news of him, especially news of his new girlfriend, myself. Personal info is thus brought back to the ex, and the ayi also tells me things about my boyfriend when he was with the ex. She keeps his past open and alive. The things she says don’t make me feel good, although I really don’t believe she means any harm, and that she likes me. I think the problem is that, no matter how much she likes me and wants him to have somebody to love, she is fiercely loyal to her main employer–the ex-girlfriend–and part of her needs to put me down and reiterate how good they were together, how awesome the ex is, how long they spent together, how he seemed happier before, how they should still be friends, etc. She tells me these stories about the ex as if she is scared the ex will fade from his/our lives if she doesn’t.
I am writing to you because I’m torn about what to do. It’s like dealing with a mother-in-law, Chinese or otherwise, who loves and prefers the ex-girlfriend, although in this case she is, thankfully, NOT his mother and thus we can cut her off if we need to. Me avoiding her is not a solution; she will still talk about us to the ex, and I don’t want that. But how can I tell him, fire this woman who has cared for you for five years? A woman who needs the money? A woman who, when NOT reminiscing about the ex, is actually very kind to me? What do I do? I want the past to stay in the past, and she’s not letting me do that.
"I just had a nightmare -- I got married." (photo by Cathy Kaplan)
It’s no secret that women in China worry about getting married. Sometimes it’s because she’s approaching 30 – China’s unofficial expiration date for single women. Sometimes it has to do with parents and relatives raining that “why don’t you have a boyfriend?” question on her over and over again like neverending debris from Chinese New Year fireworks. And sometimes, in the case of my 22-year-old cousin Mei, the problem isn’t age or being a chronic singleton, but marriage itself.
“I don’t really want to get married. I’m afraid!”
Moments before Mei confessed her fear of an institution as integral to Chinese life as chopsticks and rice, I had told her she looked beautiful. Her navy-striped ruffle-trimmed blouse and khaki mini shorts accentuated her lovely Pippi Longstocking freckles, and she had long, creamy legs that could have stopped even high speed trains, perched atop patent leather high heels. If she had told me she had a boyfriend, I would have started teasing her about some imaginary hot date she didn’t have that evening. But she had no boyfriend, and no desire to find one either.
“Everyone around me is getting divorced,” she sighed.
When I think of mothers, I think of those Chinese mother-in-law dilemmas readers write me about. (photo by Zelenyak Zoltan)
Programming note: from May 2 until May 13, I’ll be in the process of flying to and then settling down in China for the summer. During this time, I’ll be digging up some classic content from the archives, and sharing it with you in the form of theme-related posts. And don’t worry — I’ll be back on May 16. Promise! 😉
——
It’s Mother’s Day this weekend in the US. When I think of mothers, I think of those Chinese mother-in-law dilemmas readers often write me about (and still continue to discuss). So I’ve compiled a couple of my favorite Ask the Yangxifu advice columns about the Chinese mother-in-law:
Building Better Relations with a Chinese Mother-in-law. Is your (future) Chinese mother-in-law giving you the cold shoulder? How can you build a better relationship with her, and be the “model daughter-in-law”, even if you’re not Chinese?
Your Chinese Boyfriend’s Parents Say No? Even though this one is about both parents, I was reminded of how I had a hard time getting my Chinese mother-in-law to warm up to me.
The Troubling Chinese Mother-in-law Relationship. Okay, it’s not an Ask the Yangxifu — but it might as well be since the conversation has attracted a lot of great questions and answers. Thanks so much to my readers for the comments, which have made this post a popular go-to for readers with Chinese mother-in-law headaches.
Happy Mother’s Day!
——
Do you have a question about life, dating, marriage and family in China/Chinese culture (or Western culture)? Every Friday, I answer questions on my blog. Send me your question today.
When I first started dating John, my future Chinese husband, everything seemed as perfect as our first kiss by the lake.
We could have entire conversations with just a glance. Our chemistry was so good that, for weeks, I came to work every morning, beaming from bedroom bliss. And within weeks of getting together, we had taken two romantic dates together, and planned a third trip to Beijing.
So finally, after a little over a month together, John decided to go home and tell his Asian parents all about me. His report?
“My father said I can be friends with you, but not date you.”
Gulp. Not exactly what you’d call, uh, “perfect.”
So if you have a white girlfriend or fiancee, what do you do when your Asian family gets in the way of happily ever after?
An American woman with a Chinese boyfriend will meet his parents for the first time at his graduation. How can she impress them?
american girlfriend asks:
I have a fairly new boyfriend and he is Chinese. We have been going out for 2 months, but it feels right. Anyway, down to the meat of my question. He is graduating from University in May with a Masters and his parents will be flying from China to visit for his graduation.
1) I don’t know how to greet them or what to give them as a gift. I’ve read your “Giving Gifts to your Chinese family – A Modest Guide” and while it makes sense for if I were to travel to China, I’m not sure if it still applies when they are coming to the USA.
2) I want to make my boyfriend proud and greet them properly because I want them to still approve of our relationship when they meet me face to face. They have given approval so far, but I don’t want to mess anything up!
When my friend Peter already announced a baby boy, within a year of getting married, it made me wonder about the rush to have babies sooner in China (Photo by Erik Araujo)
This evening, I was so excited to find an e-mail from Peter, one of my closest Chinese friends. I expected to hear something about his work life, or perhaps his wife. But instead, I read this:
“We have some happy news to share with you. My wife just had a baby boy on February 15, 7 jin 3 liang. The mother is fine.”
Of course I was happy for him too, and I couldn’t wait to tell my Chinese husband about it. But then it hit me. Peter had only been married to his wife for about a year. And within that year, he and his wife had already turned double happiness into triple happiness. Fast. Continue reading “The China Baby Race”
A woman wonders why her Chinese boyfriend is showing less affection when his parents are around. (photo by Dora Mitsonia)
confused asks:
I am dating a Chinese man who has lived in North America for years. He is quite westernized in his daily life, so it’s difficult for me to ascertain which issues may be cultural and which aren’t. We’ve been dating six months, and it got serious quite quickly. His parents are just in for three weeks now, and i’ve met them and spent quite a bit if time with them while they’ve been here. My boyfriend, however, seems to be acting strange. His parents appear to like me a lot, but could his strange behavior ( less texting/phone/ verbal affection ) be an indication that they’ve mentioned to him otherwise?? When I’ve spoken to him about it he gets quite stiff says I’m overreacting and shouldn’t question his feelings ( his general attitude hahaha) but the difference these last couple weeks is notable… Sigh… Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Chinese Boyfriend Changes Around His Parents?”
When my Chinese husband was born, the neighbors wanted to swap him for their baby daughter (photo by Onclebob)
When someone gives birth to a baby boy, you wouldn’t say “can we switch babies?” Unless, of course, you happened to be neighbors to my Chinese husband’s family.
As the third son in the family, John dashed his mother’s hopes of finally giving birth to a girl. Their neighbors had the opposite problem — they had just birthed another girl, the third in their family. So the neighbors came to John’s parents, with a different kind of indecent proposal.
The way my mother-in-law and father-in-law tell it, there was no question what they would do. “He’s our son, we could never give him away,” my mother-in-law declared emphatically at lunch one day, as my father-in-law nodded his head, adding how the neighbors “had a crazy idea.”
A toast...to the top five most popular posts (by views) in Ask the Yangxifu, for 2010! 😉
I launched Ask the Yangxifu in 2010 as a platform to answer the many questions and conundrums readers sent my way about love, dating, marriage and family. And, as it turns out, it’s been the most popular source of content for this website, hands-down.
So, as I celebrate the holidays and ring in 2011, I thought I’d take a moment to share with you your most favorite Ask the Yangxifu columns, ranked by views:
1. How Western Women Can Meet Chinese Men in China. Chinese men, take heart — if this ranking is any measure, there are a lot more Western women out there looking to meet you than you think. 😉
3. How Can Chinese Men and Western Women Get Along as a Couple? I couldn’t resist answering this question, from a Chinese guy who wondered how two people from such drastically different cultures could make it work. And given that’s one of the top five posts, you couldn’t resist it, either. 😉
4. Change Your Name After Marriage in China? I answered this question for my friend Gerald — erroneously, as it turns out, because the issue in his case was that he wanted to change his own name when he married his Chinese girlfriend (Sorry, Gerald). Still, it was fun to write, and started a whole conversation about how to handle this Western tradition for women in China.
5. What Western Women Think of Chinese Men. My translation of a Xinhua article on a study of Western women and their impressions of Chinese men really got your attention.
Happy New Year (新年快乐), and I’ll see you on January 7, 2011 with a fresh new Ask the Yangxifu column!
P.S.: Quick programming note — just wanted to let readers also know that my column, Travel China with the Yangxifu, will be on hold in 2011 until further notice. Why? Well, it gets pretty tough to write about traveling China when you spend most of the year in the US. 😉 Travel lovers, hope you understand. And don’t worry — I’ll be going to China in summer 2011, so the travel bug might just inspire me to put pen to paper once again. Stay tuned. 😉
——-
Do you have a question about life, dating, marriage and family in China/Chinese culture (or Western culture)? Every Friday, I answer questions on my blog. Send me your question today.
This website uses cookies to improve your experience. We'll assume you're ok with this, but you can opt-out if you wish.AcceptRejectRead More
Privacy & Cookies Policy
Privacy Overview
This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Out of these cookies, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. But opting out of some of these cookies may have an effect on your browsing experience.
Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. These cookies do not store any personal information.
Any cookies that may not be particularly necessary for the website to function and is used specifically to collect user personal data via analytics, ads, other embedded contents are termed as non-necessary cookies. It is mandatory to procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your website.
