Articles | Speaking of China

AMWF Books vs. AFWM Books: The “Good Reads” Question

A few months ago, Christine Tan — who writes the fabulous Shanghai Shiok — Facebooked me with this photo and a message:

Hey Jocelyn, quick look at my…bookshelf shows I have more explicitly WF/AM [White Female/Asian Male — also referred to as AMWF] books (yes, I include Anna and the King!) than the opposite, AF/WM [Asian Female/White Male] (and yes, I include Amy Chua in that one). Wonder why I enjoy the former more even though I’m part of the latter. Maybe I just haven’t come across really good/insightful/not based on creepy stereotypes AF/WM writing. I mean, are there any AF/WM books you like and could recommend?

I chimed in with some suggestions of good AF/WM books, as did others, but her post lingered with me. Of course, there’s no “law” saying we MUST enjoy more those books that best reflect our own relationships and realities. Still, it was fascinating to me that Christine — who is in a AFWM marriage — still enjoyed more AMWF books over AFWM books.

And the thing is, I feel the same way. Continue reading “AMWF Books vs. AFWM Books: The “Good Reads” Question”

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“Why Us?”: More on Discrimination and Marriage to a Chinese Man

Once again, discrimination has landed smack in the middle of our lives here in the US. A hard landing, and one with reverberations far beyond anything I ever expected.

As I wrote not that long ago, I never imagined I would come to know discrimination so intimately through my marriage to a Chinese man. Maybe that’s naivete or plain ignorance; either way, it’s clear that I just didn’t realize the extent to which discrimination and racism still remained in this country, and their ability to strike down (and even ruin) a young man in pursuit of his own small patch of happiness.

What I have learned is this Continue reading ““Why Us?”: More on Discrimination and Marriage to a Chinese Man”

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Saluting Blogs Written By Asian Men

(Screenshot from http://www.angryasianman.com/)

Since it’s Asian American and Pacific Islander Heritage Month here in the US, I didn’t want to miss this chance to give a shout out to blogs I follow and link to written by Asian men. Since this is by no means an exhaustive list — and I’m always looking for more great reads — please comment in on your favorites so I can add them to my reader! Continue reading “Saluting Blogs Written By Asian Men”

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Why Aren’t We Talking More About The Rarity of AMWF?

(Screenshot from http://theyreallsobeautiful.com/)

Last month, commentator Eugene Tsui posed this fascinating question in a post on They’re All So Beautiful (the companion website to the documentary Seeking Asian Female):

I don’t see the question posed, of why there are so few Chinese men, with “white” women? This is left out?

What do the Chinese women have to say about that? And what do “white” men, who are married to Chinese women, have to say about that? I don’t hear their opinions about Chinese men with white women?

Of course, when he says “This is left out?” he’s referring to the fact that the documentary — and its companion website — don’t really address the disparity he mentions. But I think that could easily apply to most situations when people discuss yellow fever. Continue reading “Why Aren’t We Talking More About The Rarity of AMWF?”

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Foreigners Who Think They’re Entitled To Date The Hottest Chinese?

If you couldn’t get a “Brad Pitt” to date you in your home country, why do you think you somehow deserve nothing less than his standard of men because you’re in China? (photo by Juanky Pamies Alcubilla via Flickr)

Recently, a reader wrote the following to me:

I remember when I was back in [city in China] I was with a large group of Westerners for our orientation and a lot of us got to talking about potentially starting relationships in China. There was one American girl, who was very pleasant but kind of heavyset and nothing special to look at, who said she wouldn’t settle for anything less than Jay Chou or a local Chinese rapper we knew who was modelesque stunning. Another man on our orientation, who is fifty years old though not bad looking, also said he would only go for girls between the ages of 25-30 who were “drop dead gorgeous.” Continue reading “Foreigners Who Think They’re Entitled To Date The Hottest Chinese?”

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From the Archives: Finding Courage During Tough Times

I’m on deadline this week, a time when I am marshaling all my inner strength to continue the good fight. So I thought, what better than to run some of my past entries about finding courage as a couple during those tough times in life? Just reading back through these posts really inspires me — and hopefully you’ll find a little inspiration too.

I Stand By My Man, And Yes, He’s Chinese. I couldn’t believe when my friend said how I was “so loyal” for standing by my Chinese husband in the wake of his discrimination. Apparently, “for better or for worse” just didn’t apply.

My Chinese Husband Has Balls. John is shorter, soft-spoken and Chinese — but he has the heart of a hero, and some serious chutzpah.

The Miracle of the “Long March Spirit”. For my Chinese husband and I, our fight is far from over. But we’ll keep marching together, and that’s a real miracle.

I’ll be back on Monday with some fresh content!

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We Need Your Support

Dear Readers,

I am entangled in what might perhaps be the biggest fight of my life. Once again, discrimination has descended upon our lives and it rears its ugly head, threatening to take away something we’ve worked so hard to achieve over all of these years.

I can’t write much more in detail than that, though I can say I’m incredibly scared. I think I’ve never felt more frightened in my entire life. But I believe in my husband, I believe in moral power, and I believe we can succeed if we just keep fighting and moving forward.

Why am I sharing this? Because I also believe in something else — the power of admitting you’re in a crisis. I thought, maybe you can help empower both of us — by simply reading this, and offering your sign of support in the form of a comment…or sharing this entry…or even just writing me an e-mail to say you’re on our side.

There are some days when I feel like I’m about to crumble under the pressure. So knowing you’re out there — and you care — will mean the world to me. In the meantime, we’ll never stop fighting.

Will you stand with us?

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Despite the China-America Divide, We’re On The Same Team

The other day, my husband and I were having a conversation in the car about discrimination and racism in America — two things he knew firsthand from his own experiences over here.

“Mean and wicked, that’s what these people were to me,” he said, referring to the Americans who had betrayed him in the past. “They just don’t care, they have no concern for you at all. They think they can just bully you.”

My heart ached to see him this way. “I’m so sorry. It just goes to show how much work in this country is still undone. We Americans have a lot to learn.”

“Don’t say ‘we’! Don’t put yourself in the same category as them, you should be careful of your language!”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to say ‘we’, it just came out by accident. Just a reflex, that’s all.”

But his words haunted me the rest of the way home. I couldn’t believe that the word “we” — a word that normally brings John and I together as one — could divide us into two in a completely different context. Continue reading “Despite the China-America Divide, We’re On The Same Team”

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Love or Fetish? On “Yellow Fever” and Creepy/Sketchy Attractions

In the past few weeks, I’ve discovered They’re All So Beautiful, an online forum about race and dating that’s features a five-part online series and is also a companion to the documentary Seeking Asian Female.

Yes, it’s a conversation in part about “yellow fever” — but one with more intelligence, one that seeks to transcend the usual boundaries and assumptions.

The site really got me thinking when I discovered Jeff Yang’s blog post. For those of you who don’t know him, he’s an Asian-American journalist for the Wall Street Journal — and one who has written some of my favorite articles exploring why you see so few Asian men with non-Asian women (such as this piece).

He points out that the white guys interviewed in Episode one of the online series seem to embody the worst possible stereotypes about white men who pursue Asian women: Continue reading “Love or Fetish? On “Yellow Fever” and Creepy/Sketchy Attractions”

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How China’s Tomb Sweeping Tradition – And My Husband – Helped Me Cope With Grief

What would my mom think if she saw me here in Ohio, sweeping a tomb and praying to ancestors — just like my husband would in China?

I’ll bet she would have cocked her head or raised an eyebrow, just as my relatives did when my husband announced our next stop. “We’re going to celebrate the Tomb Sweeping Festival,” also known as Qingming Jie. So John repeated himself and even explained it was a Chinese holiday where everyone visited their ancestors’ graves. But that only lead to polite smiles and nodding that suggested they were just trying to be nice and listen to him, but didn’t really understand.

That’s okay. If my mother was still alive, I’m sure she wouldn’t have understood what we were doing at that grave — a grave that was her own. Continue reading “How China’s Tomb Sweeping Tradition – And My Husband – Helped Me Cope With Grief”

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