In "Stuck Between Jun and Taiwan," I tell my story of how I learned that international love doesn’t come easy.
I just had another piece published in Matador, for their “Love in the Time of Matador” series. Stuck Between Taiwan and Jun (yes, “Jun” is my husband’s real Chinese name — long story why I use “John” instead. Ask me later. 😉 ) chronicles some of the hardships we experienced as an international couple:
It was a rainy Tuesday in a Taiwanese cafe in Shanghai, and Jun and I were having fried rice with a generous side of tears. To the patrons around us, the whole scene had “breakup” written all over it. But it wasn’t that kind of breakup. Leaving melodrama aside, this was the US government breaking up our trip back to my hometown of Cleveland, Ohio.
To me, Jun was the guy who first kissed me to the tune of cicadas, next to Hangzhou’s West Lake. The man who loved to pick me up from the metro station late at night, and ferry me home on the back of his bicycle. But to the visa officer at the US Consulate in Shanghai, Jun was just another immigration risk from China with no apartment or car, let alone a wife or children. “You’re too young,” the officer declared in Mandarin, stamping a denial in permanent red ink into the passport.
What’s in a name? I may be Jocelyn, but I prefer my Chinese husband to call me “Laopo” or wife in Chinese. (photo by Josep Altarriba)
There’s nothing I love more than when my Chinese husband comes bursts into our apartment after a long day, and calls my name.
“Laopo!” he’ll sing out, as he stomps his feet on the mat by the door.
Well, Laopo (老婆, [lǎopó]), which is another word for “wife” in Chinese, isn’t really my name. But the sound of it is as soothing as a cup of Jasmine-scented green tea.
I never thought that I would rather be called “wife” over Jocelyn.
When I was young, my parents never called each other “wife” or “husband,” instead peppering their evening adult conversations with their real names, “Claudia” and “Bob.” The whole idea of using “wife” or “husband” between a wife and husband was the verbal equivalent of turning a marriage into a form letter.
WHY is there nothing but negative reactions from anyone who hears that my boyfriend is asian? The reactions don’t seem to be specific to the country he is from… they are just so grossed out that anyone can actually date an asian guy. “Yuck! They beat their wives! They are so boring! They have tiny dicks! They are too girly, They look ugly”, etc etc.. I’ve heard it all. Or, if the reaction is not totally negative, they are always INVASIVELY curious about every aspect of our relationship. “Does he speak english? Where did you find him? Is it true they have small dicks?”
Now if I was with literally anyone else, no one would bat an eye. Men of other races seem to be the most disgusted and seem to take it as a personal affront. Women are more polite, but shake their heads as if to say “what a waste.” Even my girlfriends who are Taiwanese don’t like asian men.. a Japanese gay guy I know ONLY dates Black men, but no one criticizes his taste. I also feel like people think I have yelllow fever and it pisses me off – if I decided to exclusively date say, white guys, no one would care.
I seriously feel sorry for Asian guys who are just trying to get dates out there, having to work against this enormous negative image. And I live in NYC! I can only imagine how much worse it is in suburbia.
Published in the AMWW Magazine, this article, written with the Chinese/Asian men out there in mind, covers what you should keep in mind before you say “I do” to your lovely bride. Here’s an excerpt:
Once my Chinese boyfriend and I became engaged after a long courtship, visions of an interracial Asian wedding in his whitewashed, bucolic country home in China danced through my head. I longed to experience a traditional, intimate Asian wedding, just like his mother and grandmother had done years before. But with a personal twist — a Buddhist vegetarian banquet, prepared by a chef from one of my favorite vegetarian restaurants in Shanghai.
Little did I know, I would end up having a big, fat Asian wedding banquet in an urban hotel in China, with more than 200 guests and a menu of carnivorous delights, including a turtle standing on all four legs.
While this isn’t the usual Q&A I feature on regular Fridays, it does provide a lot of answers to any interracial or cross-cultural couple planning a Chinese wedding. To learn more, read the full article at AMWW Magazine.
P.S.: The Q&A will be back next week, promise. In the meantime, keep those questions coming in, and, as always, thanks for your support. 🙂
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Do you have a question about life, dating, marriage and family in China/Chinese culture (or Western culture)? Every Friday, I answer questions on my blog. Send me your question today.
When my Chinese husband was born, the neighbors wanted to swap him for their baby daughter (photo by Onclebob)
When someone gives birth to a baby boy, you wouldn’t say “can we switch babies?” Unless, of course, you happened to be neighbors to my Chinese husband’s family.
As the third son in the family, John dashed his mother’s hopes of finally giving birth to a girl. Their neighbors had the opposite problem — they had just birthed another girl, the third in their family. So the neighbors came to John’s parents, with a different kind of indecent proposal.
The way my mother-in-law and father-in-law tell it, there was no question what they would do. “He’s our son, we could never give him away,” my mother-in-law declared emphatically at lunch one day, as my father-in-law nodded his head, adding how the neighbors “had a crazy idea.”
In this exclusive interview with Speaking of China, JT Tran offers dating advice for Chinese men on everything from sexuality and confidence to personality and approaching women.
In lieu of the usual Q&A, this week I’m featuring an interview with JT Tran, the number one Asian Dating Coach for Asian men.
JT has been featured on ABC, Chicago TV, VH1’s The Pick Up Artist, Asian Week, D Magazine, Nichi Bei Times, Entrepreneur, Harvard, Rutgers, Wellesley, to name a few. He offers hands-on coaching through his bootcamp seminars with the ABCs of Attraction. And, just recently, he launched the AMWW (Asian Men & White Women) Magazine to provide dating advice for Asian men in every stage of the relationship (in full disclosure, I’ll be writing for the magazine starting this January). Regular readers may also remember I reviewed his free audio dating CD and eBook in December (which are still available for download).
I talked with JT about a variety of subjects, from sexuality and building confidence to having personality and just approaching women. I’m confident you’ll find the conversation as enlightening and enjoyable as I did.
Since this is a monster of an interview, I’ve broken it down into topics, so you can click your way through to the information you want to know most:
When I asked my Chinese husband about why he took out a loan to treat me on our first "official date," the answer -- which said a lot about how he viewed love and money -- surprised me.
On our first official date, John gave me a copy of a Dream of Red Mansions, treated me to a Buddhist vegetarian Chinese feast, and then romanced me beside the West Lake in Hangzhou. An unforgettable night with the man who would become my Chinese husband? Priceless.
Except for John, who not only paid for it, but actually took out a loan to make it happen — from his friend, a guy we call “Lao Da.”
But when I asked John why he went to such great lengths to pay for me, he gave me an answer I never expected: “Our relationship wasn’t settled yet.”
What's the story on sex and Chinese men? A Western woman wonders when her Chinese boyfriend turns out to be a terrible lover. (photo by Jesse Therrien)
sex in singapore asks:
Any idea why my Singaporean (Chinese) lover is so terrible in bed? He is 35, has had long term relationships, has been exposed to the west as he is a successful producer and has been all over the world, he is exposed to the concept of good sex through films and media… so why is he so clueless? He doesn’t even try. In the past his gfs have been Chinese and Singaporean.. When I asked Chinese friends they say in Chinese culture men are less romantic and more passive and don’t want to give pleasure to women. Others say Asians are just not as passionate as in european countries for example. Again I find this hard to believe, I am sure there are many Asians who know what they are doing.. but I do hear western men talking of their Chinese girlfriends and how they have never had orgasm etc. I am interested to know what you think of Chinese/Asian sexual relationships and whether it is in fact normal for the sex to be so … bad? I think this is unlikely and I think it is simply that my guy for whatever reason is just totally clueless. But can any generalisations be made on this subject? thanks!
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The best sex I’ve ever had has been with Chinese men (including my husband). And that tells me that there are plenty of wonderful lovers to be found among the sons of Han. Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Sex and Chinese Men”
Sushi is not Chinese food — and it’s not the only way Americans sometimes misunderstand China.
“These girls gave me panda earrings!” laughed this Chinese girl, who came over to my home for the holidays. “I mean, seriously, panda earrings? I can buy those in China anytime.” These girls were her American classmates. And even though pandas are pretty much the national symbol of China — and even one of the mascots for the Beijing Olympics — these Americans somehow thought this gift would truly be something special.
It was like how one of my relatives gave John — who comes from Hangzhou, the home of Dragonwell, one of the most famous and prized green teas in all of the world — a box of Celestial Seasonings green tea.
So it’s not surprising that, as I giggled at my friend’s tale of gifting gone wrong, I couldn’t help but think of many similar misunderstandings here in the US of A.
Like when people say this to John, after hearing he is from China: “Oh, I love sushi.” This culinary faux pas would usually make me cough uncomfortably. Sometimes, I would step in, reminding them politely, “Uh, you know, sushi is Japanese.”
Then there are the so-called “Chinese” things that don’t even really exist in China. Like General Tso’s chicken, and fortune cookies. When my husband first heard about chop suey from my Grandpa, I had to explain to him, later on, that this was a dish created by Chinese immigrants to the US, as a way to make Chinese food into something a little more American.
As long as people continue to learn about countries from afar — through the media, movies, TV and reading — there will always be misunderstandings. Which is why I’m sure this won’t be the last time an American gives a Chinese girl panda earrings.
What China misunderstandings have you experienced?
A toast...to the top five most popular posts (by views) in Ask the Yangxifu, for 2010! 😉
I launched Ask the Yangxifu in 2010 as a platform to answer the many questions and conundrums readers sent my way about love, dating, marriage and family. And, as it turns out, it’s been the most popular source of content for this website, hands-down.
So, as I celebrate the holidays and ring in 2011, I thought I’d take a moment to share with you your most favorite Ask the Yangxifu columns, ranked by views:
1. How Western Women Can Meet Chinese Men in China. Chinese men, take heart — if this ranking is any measure, there are a lot more Western women out there looking to meet you than you think. 😉
3. How Can Chinese Men and Western Women Get Along as a Couple? I couldn’t resist answering this question, from a Chinese guy who wondered how two people from such drastically different cultures could make it work. And given that’s one of the top five posts, you couldn’t resist it, either. 😉
4. Change Your Name After Marriage in China? I answered this question for my friend Gerald — erroneously, as it turns out, because the issue in his case was that he wanted to change his own name when he married his Chinese girlfriend (Sorry, Gerald). Still, it was fun to write, and started a whole conversation about how to handle this Western tradition for women in China.
5. What Western Women Think of Chinese Men. My translation of a Xinhua article on a study of Western women and their impressions of Chinese men really got your attention.
Happy New Year (新年快乐), and I’ll see you on January 7, 2011 with a fresh new Ask the Yangxifu column!
P.S.: Quick programming note — just wanted to let readers also know that my column, Travel China with the Yangxifu, will be on hold in 2011 until further notice. Why? Well, it gets pretty tough to write about traveling China when you spend most of the year in the US. 😉 Travel lovers, hope you understand. And don’t worry — I’ll be going to China in summer 2011, so the travel bug might just inspire me to put pen to paper once again. Stay tuned. 😉
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Do you have a question about life, dating, marriage and family in China/Chinese culture (or Western culture)? Every Friday, I answer questions on my blog. Send me your question today.
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