One Chinese word that’s guaranteed to make my husband laugh is sāo (骚). Most Chinese-English dictionaries translate the meaning he’s thinking of as “flirty” or “coquettish” — words that don’t come close to describing what’s really on his mind.
I’ll never forget that first apartment John and I rented in Cleveland, an apartment that schooled me in the true meaning of sāo.
One afternoon, while in the bedroom, I suddenly heard the unmistakable moaning through a heating vent. “Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!” she screamed, a phrase that rose in volume with every creak and bounce of their bed. I couldn’t believe the show from my first-floor neighbors — either because it had been years since I lived in the US, or perhaps because all of my previous apartment or dormitory-style buildings had much thicker walls. Of course, I couldn’t help but tell John, who smirked when he finally heard the girl’s screams. Not long after, he gave the two girls downstairs a new nickname — sāo qīngnián (骚青年). Qingnian means youth or young person. But sāo, as I came to discover, is also a way to describe people who are more uninhibited when it comes to sex. Continue reading “On Sex In The US, and How My Husband Taught Me the Word “Sao””
John, admiring the inflatable globe that “Santa Claus” brought him.
The other day, I caught John pouring over his inflatable globe — and couldn’t help but remind him of its origins.
“Remember when ‘Santa Claus’ gave that to you last year?” I said with a wink.
He giggled in response. “‘Santa Claus’ really knows what I like.”
It’s the sort of thing you’d hear a parent ask their child — instead of a wife asking her husband. Yet, even though we both know who “Santa Claus” really is, any talk of the jolly old man never fails to bring a smile to his face. Continue reading “My Husband and His Childlike Christmas Cheer”
“I’m not at all a typical Chinese!” That’s what a Facebook friend, a guy with a European wife, wrote to me in a message. But his words could easily have been spoken by my own husband.
When I first met John, he was anything but “typical.” I’d never known anyone in China with such a passion for psychology, or such chutzpah (he once threatened to file a lawsuit against polluting factories in his village).
File this one under “things that make you go, ‘WTF?!?'”(screenshot from globaltimes.cn)
Enjoying the spoils of a Chinese marriage? With this Op-Ed in the Global Times, I think it should read as “Spoiled a Chinese marriage” instead.
The illustration said it all. There’s a white foreign man lounging emperor-like in a gigantic bowl of noodles, with a morning-after “I’m high on carbs” smirk on his face. Beside him is a Chinese woman who looks like every guy’s teenage wet dream, dressed in a qipao that leaves nothing to the imagination. She leans on the bowl and stares at him as if to say, “What else can I get you, honey? More noodles? Me?” Continue reading ““Spoils of a Chinese Marriage?” More Like, Spoiled a Chinese Marriage.”
I spent much of the past week in bed, and unfortunately, much of this weekend as well. So I’m sending you to the archives this Monday so I can catch my breath and rest up a little.
Those of you new to this blog may have missed my posts on Chinese marriage, through the eyes of my mother-in-law and father-in-law. I spent the summer of 2011 living with them, and one outcome of that summer was my newfound understanding of their own marriage. Enjoy!
My Chinese Inlaws’ Not-So-Free Marriage. My Chinese father-in-law insisted that the new China included free choice in marriages. But it seemed like an illusion when he admitted he didn’t freely choose his bride.
For My Chinese In-laws, Scolding is Love. I didn’t understand why my Chinese mother-in-law always argued with my Chinese father-in-law. But, according to my husband, maybe that’s their way of showing love.
Barack Obama and Mitt Romney at a political debate (photo by Stijn Vogels)
Here in the US, we’re on the eve of yet another presidential election — and a nonstop dialogue about political persuasions. So of course, I happened to come across a recent article about Chinese-Americans and voting. While it’s mainly about why politicians don’t court their vote nearly enough, one thing caught my attention:
Logically, the two major parties should be fighting for Asian-American votes, since ideologically they identify with the family values and encouragement of individual effort emphasized by Republicans, while at the same time supporting the Democrats’ policy that the government should take care of vulnerable groups. The Asian-American electorate swings both ways.
In the 1992 presidential election Republican George H. W. Bush received 55% of the Asian-American vote compared to 31% for Democrat Bill Clinton. Asian Americans voted Republican and were the only racial group more conservative than whites in the 1990s, according to surveys. The Asian American vote has slowly shifted since then with Democrat John Kerry winning 56% of the Asian American vote in the 2004 U.S. Presidential Election and Democrat Barack Obama winning 62% of the Asian American vote in the 2008 U.S. Presidential Election.
“You won’t date me because of WHAT? That’s lame.” (image of Godfrey Gao from his Flickr)
People just say the darndest things about dating Chinese men. Over the years, I’ve listened to a lot of reasons why Western women give the sons of Han a pass on dating — and sometimes, they’re the kind of reasons that make you go “Hmmmm” (and then think rather unprintable thoughts about the person who said them).
So here are four of the lamest reasons I’ve ever heard as to why Western women won’t date Chinese men.
“Most Chinese guys are really shy,” Patterson said. “They work really long hours and don’t come out to bars and parties, which is where you usually meet people.”
I’m pretty certain, then, that some women out there actually use this as a reason/excuse why they don’t date Chinese men.
I get that some women out there think a “real guy” should just directly ask her out, and might label a Chinese guy “too shy” if he can’t do the same. But in fact, a lot of times Chinese men are just operating according to different “rules” for dating. They might approach us a little more indirectly, where they show their interest gradually instead of straight out just asking us on a date. It’s not a shy thing, it’s a “dating is a little different in their culture” thing.
So when you think about it, it’s kind of a lame reason.
Lame Reason #4: Not attractive
When I first came to China, I was stunned by the people who just flat-out declared that Chinese men aren’t attractive. Seriously?
I get that people have their own preferences. But there’s something truly lame — and disturbing, for that matter — when someone dismisses an entire group of people as ugly. If you truly think there can never be attractive Chinese men out there, then apparently you’re either blind or blinded by your own biases. This is by far the lamest reason out there to not date Chinese men.
What do you think? What other lame reasons have you heard?
“I am wondering why you have kept your maiden name?” wrote a reader. “When I married my Chinese husband [many] years ago, I was terribly proud to take his name, and still am.”
So I wrote back to her with my primary reasons. One that as a feminist, I’ve never felt comfortable with the idea that a woman must take on her husband’s name in marriage. And two, that in China, women traditionally keep their last names even after marrying.
When but I thought about my choices later on, I had to laugh. After all, isn’t it ironic that my feminist side finds refuge in China’s tradition? A tradition that, I’m certain, wasn’t created to accommodate feminists like me. Let’s just say I pretty much never expect “tradition” to agree with my feminist perspective on anything…and yet this time, it did. Sometimes, tradition — especially those of my husband’s country — will surprise me in unexpected ways.
But the best part of it all? No one in China ever raises an eyebrow at my surname, and then asks, “Why didn’t you change your name?”
Instead, the Chinese have other ways to put me on the spot, like, “So, do you have children?” But that’s another question for another day. 😉
P.S.: If you’re actually debating whether or not to change your name in marriage, see my post on this.
“I’m so glad he’s not going over to China anymore. It’s too tempting.”
My friend Susan Blumberg-Kason overhead this snippet of conversation one afternoon while attending a reading. The woman speaking was white, and referring to the fact that her white husband — who she followed to China — would no longer be working over there. It was in the context of a discussion about men who have affairs in China — with Chinese women, of course.
A recent cold front turned my thoughts to the winter jacket I needed replacing this year, and ended up turning us towards the closest shopping mall to eyeball a few just-arrived winter jackets. I admired the colors — plum, tangerine, teal, and ivory. At least, before I turned the price tags over.
“Aiya,” I said to my husband at a whisper, still reeling from some serious sticker-shock. “And they said this was a sale?”
But John just smiled. “Do you like any of them?” He sounded like a guy ready to whip out his platinum credit card for me — that any price was still a good price to him.
I shook my head. “Too expensive, we should just wait until the after-Christmas sales.”
“But you need a new jacket,” he said. He smiled again, as if to say, go ahead, look around, I have an undisclosed bank account I’m about to tell you about.
My pragmatic side didn’t even notice. “No, I’ll survive without it, my zipper still isn’t totally broken yet.”
I linked my arm with John’s arm and pulled him towards the door. I could have sworn I saw him taking one last, longing glance at the plum-colored parka I loved only moments before.
“You really wanted to buy me that jacket, didn’t you?” I asked him the following day.
He grinned and leaned back in his chair. “Sure, I just want to take care of you.” Then he met my glance and added, “It’s my responsibility.”
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“I am wondering why you have kept your maiden name?” wrote a reader. “When I married my Chinese husband [many] years ago, I was terribly proud to take his name, and still am.”
A recent cold front turned my thoughts to the winter jacket I needed replacing this year, and ended up turning us towards the closest shopping mall to eyeball a few just-arrived winter jackets. I admired the colors — plum, tangerine, teal, and ivory. At least, before I turned the price tags over.