foreign woman | Speaking of China

Ask the Yangxifu: Chinese (and Asian) Interracial Wedding Dos and Don’ts

kissing my Chinese husband at our Chinese wedding — Tip #7 on my list? Have fun -- or, in our case, steal a kiss at your Chinese wedding. 😉

For those of you with a Chinese wedding in the works for the new year, this article — titled 7 Interracial Wedding Dos and Don’t for Your Asian Groom — is for you.

Published in the AMWW Magazine, this article, written with the Chinese/Asian men out there in mind, covers what you should keep in mind before you say “I do” to your lovely bride. Here’s an excerpt:

Once my Chinese boyfriend and I became engaged after a long courtship, visions of an interracial Asian wedding in his whitewashed, bucolic country home in China danced through my head. I longed to experience a traditional, intimate Asian wedding, just like his mother and grandmother had done years before. But with a personal twist — a Buddhist vegetarian banquet, prepared by a chef from one of my favorite vegetarian restaurants in Shanghai.

Little did I know, I would end up having a big, fat Asian wedding banquet in an urban hotel in China, with more than 200 guests and a menu of carnivorous delights, including a turtle standing on all four legs.

While this isn’t the usual Q&A I feature on regular Fridays, it does provide a lot of answers to any interracial or cross-cultural couple planning a Chinese wedding. To learn more, read the full article at AMWW Magazine.

P.S.: The Q&A will be back next week, promise. In the meantime, keep those questions coming in, and, as always, thanks for your support. 🙂

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Do you have a question about life, dating, marriage and family in China/Chinese culture (or Western culture)? Every Friday, I answer questions on my blog. Send me your question today.

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Of Love, Money and An “Unsettled Relationship” With a Chinese Man

Wedding rings and money — When I asked my Chinese husband about why he took out a loan to treat me on our first "official date," the answer -- which said a lot about how he viewed love and money -- surprised me.

On our first official date, John gave me a copy of a Dream of Red Mansions, treated me to a Buddhist vegetarian Chinese feast, and then romanced me beside the West Lake in Hangzhou. An unforgettable night with the man who would become my Chinese husband? Priceless.

Except for John, who not only paid for it, but actually took out a loan to make it happen — from his friend, a guy we call “Lao Da.”

But when I asked John why he went to such great lengths to pay for me, he gave me an answer I never expected: “Our relationship wasn’t settled yet.”

“What do you mean by that?” I asked him, rocking back and forth in his arms playfully as we traded smiles. Continue reading “Of Love, Money and An “Unsettled Relationship” With a Chinese Man”

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Ask the Yangxifu: Sex and Chinese Men

The Room by Jesse Therrien — What's the story on sex and Chinese men? A Western woman wonders when her Chinese boyfriend turns out to be a terrible lover. (photo by Jesse Therrien)

sex in singapore asks:

Any idea why my Singaporean (Chinese) lover is so terrible in bed? He is 35, has had long term relationships, has been exposed to the west as he is a successful producer and has been all over the world, he is exposed to the concept of good sex through films and media… so why is he so clueless? He doesn’t even try. In the past his gfs have been Chinese and Singaporean.. When I asked Chinese friends they say in Chinese culture men are less romantic and more passive and don’t want to give pleasure to women. Others say Asians are just not as passionate as in european countries for example. Again I find this hard to believe, I am sure there are many Asians who know what they are doing.. but I do hear western men talking of their Chinese girlfriends and how they have never had orgasm etc. I am interested to know what you think of Chinese/Asian sexual relationships and whether it is in fact normal for the sex to be so … bad? I think this is unlikely and I think it is simply that my guy for whatever reason is just totally clueless. But can any generalisations be made on this subject? thanks!

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The best sex I’ve ever had has been with Chinese men (including my husband). And that tells me that there are plenty of wonderful lovers to be found among the sons of Han. Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Sex and Chinese Men”

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Sushi is Not Chinese Food: Of China Misunderstandings

“These girls gave me panda earrings!” laughed this Chinese girl, who came over to my home for the holidays. “I mean, seriously, panda earrings? I can buy those in China anytime.” These girls were her American classmates. And even though pandas are pretty much the national symbol of China — and even one of the mascots for the Beijing Olympics — these Americans somehow thought this gift would truly be something special.

It was like how one of my relatives gave John — who comes from Hangzhou, the home of Dragonwell, one of the most famous and prized green teas in all of the world — a box of Celestial Seasonings green tea.

So it’s not surprising that, as I giggled at my friend’s tale of gifting gone wrong, I couldn’t help but think of many similar misunderstandings here in the US of A.

Like when people say this to John, after hearing he is from China: “Oh, I love sushi.” This culinary faux pas would usually make me cough uncomfortably. Sometimes, I would step in, reminding them politely, “Uh, you know, sushi is Japanese.”

Then there are the so-called “Chinese” things that don’t even really exist in China. Like General Tso’s chicken, and fortune cookies. When my husband first heard about chop suey from my Grandpa, I had to explain to him, later on, that this was a dish created by Chinese immigrants to the US, as a way to make Chinese food into something a little more American.

As long as people continue to learn about countries from afar — through the media, movies, TV and reading — there will always be misunderstandings. Which is why I’m sure this won’t be the last time an American gives a Chinese girl panda earrings.

What China misunderstandings have you experienced?

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Ask the Yangxifu: Top 5 Posts for 2010

Toasting people with my Chinese husband at our wedding banquet — A toast...to the top five most popular posts (by views) in Ask the Yangxifu, for 2010! 😉

I launched Ask the Yangxifu in 2010 as a platform to answer the many questions and conundrums readers sent my way about love, dating, marriage and family. And, as it turns out, it’s been the most popular source of content for this website, hands-down.

So, as I celebrate the holidays and ring in 2011, I thought I’d take a moment to share with you your most favorite Ask the Yangxifu columns, ranked by views:

1. How Western Women Can Meet Chinese Men in China. Chinese men, take heart — if this ranking is any measure, there are a lot more Western women out there looking to meet you than you think. 😉

2. How to Impress Your Chinese Boyfriend’s (or Girlfriend’s) Family During Chinese New Year. This how-to, inspired by my own “meet-the-parents” experience during Chinese New Year, has become a go-to for many Westerners wondering how to survive that crucial first meeting.

3. How Can Chinese Men and Western Women Get Along as a Couple? I couldn’t resist answering this question, from a Chinese guy who wondered how two people from such drastically different cultures could make it work. And given that’s one of the top five posts, you couldn’t resist it, either. 😉

4. Change Your Name After Marriage in China? I answered this question for my friend Gerald — erroneously, as it turns out, because the issue in his case was that he wanted to change his own name when he married his Chinese girlfriend (Sorry, Gerald). Still, it was fun to write, and started a whole conversation about how to handle this Western tradition for women in China.

5. What Western Women Think of Chinese Men. My translation of a Xinhua article on a study of Western women and their impressions of Chinese men really got your attention.

Happy New Year (新年快乐), and I’ll see you on January 7, 2011 with a fresh new Ask the Yangxifu column!

P.S.: Quick programming note — just wanted to let readers also know that my column, Travel China with the Yangxifu, will be on hold in 2011 until further notice. Why? Well, it gets pretty tough to write about traveling China when you spend most of the year in the US. 😉 Travel lovers, hope you understand. And don’t worry — I’ll be going to China in summer 2011, so the travel bug might just inspire me to put pen to paper once again. Stay tuned. 😉

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Do you have a question about life, dating, marriage and family in China/Chinese culture (or Western culture)? Every Friday, I answer questions on my blog. Send me your question today.

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The Top 5 “China Articles” of 2010

Looking back with my Chinese husband — We look back on 2010, at the top five posts -- by views -- posted in my "China Articles" category

As 2010 comes to a close, I thought it might be cool to look back on your most favorite articles for the year (especially for those of you who have just discovered this blog). The criteria? They must have been posted in the category “China Articles,” and must have been written in 2010.

So, here they are, ranked according to number of views:

1. China Blogs by Western Women who Love Chinese Men. Readers loved this post (so much in fact, that it is the third most popular page overall for 2010!), rounding up all of the extraordinary Western women out there who love Chinese men, and blog about it. (P.S.: My apologies to the new voices I discovered later this year — I promise to revisit this topic in March 2011, and update everyone with the latest list of bloggers out there, which you can always find in my blogroll under “Chinese Men + Foreign Women”)

2. Chinese Men Are Sexy. And, given that this is second most popular post for 2010, my readers agree! 😉

3. Three Inches of Separation: On Loving a Shorter Chinese Man. I wrote this after getting an e-mail from a supportive reader, about how she was taller than her boyfriend. And I never thought so many people would connect with my own tale of overcoming my own prejudices about height, to fall in love with a Chinese man who stands three inches below me.

4. Stereotypes About Couples of Chinese Men and Western Women. This post about the misconceptions surrounding couples of Chinese men and Western women got a lot of readers’ attention. (Thanks to Gerald Zhang-Schmidt, for collaborating with me by doing a post the same day on the stereotypes for the flip scenario — Chinese women and Western men)

5. Western Wives, Chinese Husbands. This article I worked on, for Middle Kingdom Life, covered many of the issues Western women face when dating Chinese men in China. I collaborated with three other American women with Chinese husbands. Susan Chi, Melanie Gao and Jessica Larson-Wang, thanks for helping me make this such a valuable piece. 🙂

Still hungry for more good reading? Why not revisit my 83-chapter Memoirs of a Yangxifu series, which I began in January, 2010. You can start at Chapter 1, see the top 1o posts for the series, or browse the Memoirs of a Yangxifu archives.

And, don’t worry — Monday, January 3, 2011, I’ll post up some fresh content for the fresh new year. Happy holidays!

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How To Make It A Very Chinese Christmas

A Very Chinese Christmas Stocking — There are many ways you can make this a very Chinese Christmas, such as putting your name in Chinese (and English) on your Christmas stocking (like mine).

When you straddle two different cultures, sometimes, you wish your holidays did too. Holidays like Christmas.

I still love and embrace the traditions of my childhood, growing up in a Catholic home with a fresh-cut spruce trimmed with tinsel, and lights and an Angel. We hung our stockings, exchanged presents by the tree, hung wreaths, shared Christmas carols, baked Christmas cookies, and decorated our doors with pictures of Santa and the Reindeer and Elves.

But now, with my Chinese husband John, I’ve enjoyed creating a few new traditions and twists on the old, to make the holiday reflect the international, cross-cultural couple we are.

So how can you make this a very Chinese Christmas? Start with these five tips. Continue reading “How To Make It A Very Chinese Christmas”

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Ask the Yangxifu: London Woman Wonders About Chinese Man At Office

Businessman at work — A London woman wonders if a Chinese coworker in her Beijing office is interested in her. (photo by Celal Teber)

London Girl asks:

I’ve been in China for 2 months. I’m based in Beijing and work for Chinese company who like to employ a few foreigners.

On my first day I was introduced to a very pleasant Chinese guy. As soon as I met him he told me he has relatives in the UK, studied in US and has travelled in Europe. Since these past 8 weeks we talk nearly every day at work about our interests and whats in the news, etc. He also follows European sport and knows my team.

One day at work he spoke to me in German! Then he said somebody told him I also speak German. So now we converse in German. This makes me feel that he’s been talking about me?

From reading some of your advice it would appear that Chinese men are friendly although would not go out of their way to befriend someone if they weren’t interested.

He’s a little younger than me. I’m in my early thirties and he’s mid twenties. Although everyone thinks I look early twenties…so I know age might not be an issue…

However I’m a little scared about misinterpreting my feelings for him. And I’m not sure if he will actually suggest something outside of work. Im concerned about ruining my work values if I befriend this guy even more… Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: London Woman Wonders About Chinese Man At Office”

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The Dengji Question: How Marriage in China Gets Confusing

Weeks after John and I became a legally recognized couple in China in late July, the pink pastel envelopes of misunderstanding — with return addresses from my parents, grandparents, uncles and aunts — started pouring in:

Congratulations On Your Marriage!

To the Bride and Groom…

On Your Wedding Day…

“It’s not really a wedding,” I had told my father. “They call it dengji, or registering. It’s more symbolic, like an engagement.” I didn’t wear a bridal gown that day. There were no friends present to witness, and no gifts to receive. We didn’t even tell John’s family about it, until afterwards.

But I’d sent photos home to my dad, and they told another story. China’s national seal, flag, and an official podium with the words “Shanghai Marriage Registry Office” adorned the stage where John and I stood side by side. Across from us, a bureaucrat read our wedding vows, asking us to pledge to care for one another, and our parents. The whole thing screamed “wedding at the courthouse or justice of peace.”

So years later, after John and I came to the US, my American friends and relatives just didn’t understand our need to have a wedding. “Didn’t you already get married?” they might ask, as if I was trying to erase how I’d chosen shotgun eloping over a ceremony. Every year, around late July, we’d find the same well-intentioned pastel envelopes in our mailbox, feeling like another round of votes against our wedding hopes. Sometimes even I wondered if I’d wasted all that time and money getting three wedding dresses, now languishing in the back of our dusty wooden closet.

“My family doesn’t consider us married until we have the wedding ceremony,” John would reassure me. So, by the time we did have our ceremony, it didn’t matter that it was nearly three years after we had “registered.” John’s family welcomed us back home to China, to do the ceremony that I wanted, and they wanted. There was no confusion about it — this was our true wedding.

But I can’t say the same for my family in the US. After all, they still ask me what’s the date of our anniversary. 😉

Have your family or friends ever gotten confused over the “dengji question” — or other wedding/marriage customs in China?

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Ask the Yangxifu: Understanding Silence from Your Chinese Boyfriend

An old school telephone — Understanding your Chinese boyfriend, and what it means when he doesn't call -- or e-mail

Talk to Me asks:

I’ve become involved with a chinese man and yes, I find communication to be a real problem. We email quite often since he is out of town, but I notice that there are times that he will not respond to one of my emails. Prime example, he thinks that I’ve been asking questions about his return home to one of his friends. When he asked me through email if his friend has been discussing with me about his return, I simply answered “It has nothing to do with who has been telling me things, these things I want to come from you because I trust it hearing this from you.” He has not responded to my email. He has completely shut down. I’m at the point of giving up on the relationship because I never know when he’s going to stop talking to me, and at this point, I’m wondering if he has broken up with me. Can you please shed some light on what I’m experiencing. Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Understanding Silence from Your Chinese Boyfriend”

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