Marriage in China | Speaking of China

Ask the Yangxifu: Top 5 Posts for 2010

Toasting people with my Chinese husband at our wedding banquet — A toast...to the top five most popular posts (by views) in Ask the Yangxifu, for 2010! 😉

I launched Ask the Yangxifu in 2010 as a platform to answer the many questions and conundrums readers sent my way about love, dating, marriage and family. And, as it turns out, it’s been the most popular source of content for this website, hands-down.

So, as I celebrate the holidays and ring in 2011, I thought I’d take a moment to share with you your most favorite Ask the Yangxifu columns, ranked by views:

1. How Western Women Can Meet Chinese Men in China. Chinese men, take heart — if this ranking is any measure, there are a lot more Western women out there looking to meet you than you think. 😉

2. How to Impress Your Chinese Boyfriend’s (or Girlfriend’s) Family During Chinese New Year. This how-to, inspired by my own “meet-the-parents” experience during Chinese New Year, has become a go-to for many Westerners wondering how to survive that crucial first meeting.

3. How Can Chinese Men and Western Women Get Along as a Couple? I couldn’t resist answering this question, from a Chinese guy who wondered how two people from such drastically different cultures could make it work. And given that’s one of the top five posts, you couldn’t resist it, either. 😉

4. Change Your Name After Marriage in China? I answered this question for my friend Gerald — erroneously, as it turns out, because the issue in his case was that he wanted to change his own name when he married his Chinese girlfriend (Sorry, Gerald). Still, it was fun to write, and started a whole conversation about how to handle this Western tradition for women in China.

5. What Western Women Think of Chinese Men. My translation of a Xinhua article on a study of Western women and their impressions of Chinese men really got your attention.

Happy New Year (新年快乐), and I’ll see you on January 7, 2011 with a fresh new Ask the Yangxifu column!

P.S.: Quick programming note — just wanted to let readers also know that my column, Travel China with the Yangxifu, will be on hold in 2011 until further notice. Why? Well, it gets pretty tough to write about traveling China when you spend most of the year in the US. 😉 Travel lovers, hope you understand. And don’t worry — I’ll be going to China in summer 2011, so the travel bug might just inspire me to put pen to paper once again. Stay tuned. 😉

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Do you have a question about life, dating, marriage and family in China/Chinese culture (or Western culture)? Every Friday, I answer questions on my blog. Send me your question today.

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The Top 5 “China Articles” of 2010

Looking back with my Chinese husband — We look back on 2010, at the top five posts -- by views -- posted in my "China Articles" category

As 2010 comes to a close, I thought it might be cool to look back on your most favorite articles for the year (especially for those of you who have just discovered this blog). The criteria? They must have been posted in the category “China Articles,” and must have been written in 2010.

So, here they are, ranked according to number of views:

1. China Blogs by Western Women who Love Chinese Men. Readers loved this post (so much in fact, that it is the third most popular page overall for 2010!), rounding up all of the extraordinary Western women out there who love Chinese men, and blog about it. (P.S.: My apologies to the new voices I discovered later this year — I promise to revisit this topic in March 2011, and update everyone with the latest list of bloggers out there, which you can always find in my blogroll under “Chinese Men + Foreign Women”)

2. Chinese Men Are Sexy. And, given that this is second most popular post for 2010, my readers agree! 😉

3. Three Inches of Separation: On Loving a Shorter Chinese Man. I wrote this after getting an e-mail from a supportive reader, about how she was taller than her boyfriend. And I never thought so many people would connect with my own tale of overcoming my own prejudices about height, to fall in love with a Chinese man who stands three inches below me.

4. Stereotypes About Couples of Chinese Men and Western Women. This post about the misconceptions surrounding couples of Chinese men and Western women got a lot of readers’ attention. (Thanks to Gerald Zhang-Schmidt, for collaborating with me by doing a post the same day on the stereotypes for the flip scenario — Chinese women and Western men)

5. Western Wives, Chinese Husbands. This article I worked on, for Middle Kingdom Life, covered many of the issues Western women face when dating Chinese men in China. I collaborated with three other American women with Chinese husbands. Susan Chi, Melanie Gao and Jessica Larson-Wang, thanks for helping me make this such a valuable piece. 🙂

Still hungry for more good reading? Why not revisit my 83-chapter Memoirs of a Yangxifu series, which I began in January, 2010. You can start at Chapter 1, see the top 1o posts for the series, or browse the Memoirs of a Yangxifu archives.

And, don’t worry — Monday, January 3, 2011, I’ll post up some fresh content for the fresh new year. Happy holidays!

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The Dengji Question: How Marriage in China Gets Confusing

Weeks after John and I became a legally recognized couple in China in late July, the pink pastel envelopes of misunderstanding — with return addresses from my parents, grandparents, uncles and aunts — started pouring in:

Congratulations On Your Marriage!

To the Bride and Groom…

On Your Wedding Day…

“It’s not really a wedding,” I had told my father. “They call it dengji, or registering. It’s more symbolic, like an engagement.” I didn’t wear a bridal gown that day. There were no friends present to witness, and no gifts to receive. We didn’t even tell John’s family about it, until afterwards.

But I’d sent photos home to my dad, and they told another story. China’s national seal, flag, and an official podium with the words “Shanghai Marriage Registry Office” adorned the stage where John and I stood side by side. Across from us, a bureaucrat read our wedding vows, asking us to pledge to care for one another, and our parents. The whole thing screamed “wedding at the courthouse or justice of peace.”

So years later, after John and I came to the US, my American friends and relatives just didn’t understand our need to have a wedding. “Didn’t you already get married?” they might ask, as if I was trying to erase how I’d chosen shotgun eloping over a ceremony. Every year, around late July, we’d find the same well-intentioned pastel envelopes in our mailbox, feeling like another round of votes against our wedding hopes. Sometimes even I wondered if I’d wasted all that time and money getting three wedding dresses, now languishing in the back of our dusty wooden closet.

“My family doesn’t consider us married until we have the wedding ceremony,” John would reassure me. So, by the time we did have our ceremony, it didn’t matter that it was nearly three years after we had “registered.” John’s family welcomed us back home to China, to do the ceremony that I wanted, and they wanted. There was no confusion about it — this was our true wedding.

But I can’t say the same for my family in the US. After all, they still ask me what’s the date of our anniversary. 😉

Have your family or friends ever gotten confused over the “dengji question” — or other wedding/marriage customs in China?

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Ask the Yangxifu: Books with Chinese Men and Western Women in Love

Books such as Foreign Babes in Beijing feature Chinese men and Western women falling in love. (image from http://www.goodreads.com) — Books such as Foreign Babes in Beijing feature Chinese men and Western women in love.

In lieu of the usual Q&A, I decided to do a post is inspired by a previous Q&A. Specifically, the question I answered two weeks ago about movies with Chinese men and Western women — since many movies owe their existence to books, that ultimate writer’s labor of love (including at least two of the movies on that list). And, even if it is cliche to write this, well, the book usually IS better than the movie. 😉

So, here’s a list of all the books I can think of with Chinese men and Western women in love:

As the Earth Turns Silver by Alison Wong

As Katherine struggles to care for two children in New Zealand in the wake of her husband’s death, she discovers love with the Chinese shopkeeper — but must keep it secret because of the racism and prejudice of this era, just on the brink of World War I. Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Books with Chinese Men and Western Women in Love”

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Interview on My New Chinese Love

Interview on New Chinese Love — My New Chinese Love interviewed me -- read it online.

My New Chinese Love interviewed me a few weeks ago about love and family in China — and they just published it on their website. Here’s part of the intro, with a teaser:

Jocelyn Eikenburg explores love and interracial relationships, and how Chinese family is the ultimate social safety net….

In this interview, Jocelyn reveals…

how she integrated into a Chinese family who was initially disapproving of her

why some Chinese people don’t say “I love you”

how she and her Chinese husband resolved the key issues of location and citizenship

why she embraced filial piety as the “ultimate social safety net”

and more…

Read the full interview here.

My thanks to Jeff Cappleman for reaching out, and doing such a professional job!

(BTW, if you haven’t visited My New Chinese Love, take a look — Jeff’s site is full of advice about love, life and family in China.)

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Ask the Yangxifu: Will Chinese Boyfriend Accept Out of Wedlock Baby?

Baby foot — Will your Chinese boyfriend give you the boot if you already have a baby, and it's not his?

Baby-in-tow asks:

I have a Chinese boyfriend staying here in our town and working in a big company, and he is 30 years of age and he has stayed here almost 6 years. I’m 23 years of age and i just want to ask if my boyfriend will accept me if he knows that I have a daughter in my past relationship (I’m not married and we have totally broken up).Please help me in my problem?..what should I do.??? My boyfriend loves me and really cares for me..hope you can help me. Thank you so much!

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Teen pregnancy. Single motherhood. In China, these are no better than fairytale dragons. Because, for most Chinese people, they just don’t exist: Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Will Chinese Boyfriend Accept Out of Wedlock Baby?”

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Ask the Yangxifu: Finding Over-35 Chinese Men to Date

Mature Chinese man and Western woman dating — Can a divorced Western woman over 35 find love with a Chinese man?

Over 35 and Fabulous asks:

You have a very unique column, though it seems very focused on the under 35 set….so I’d like to ask about the over 35 set. Being a divorced Western female with school aged children, how would someone in that situation find a Chinese guy about the same age, (maybe and hopefully) with kids of his own too? I’m in the US, by the way. Actually I did find an available Chinese guy about my age a few years ago when I went back to grad school, but he felt pressured by his cultural background (he was from a rural area in China) so he’s gone on his way in life. I know this has got to be a unique question but I’m wondering….anyone with advice/thoughts/experiences for me? It’s gotten to the point where I’ve thought of going back to grad school again to find someone…! …probably not the best reason to go back to grad school but it would jump start my career. Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Finding Over-35 Chinese Men to Date”

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Ask the Yangxifu: Too Many Concessions for a Chinese Family?

Giving hands, turned towards the sky — Are we always the ones to concede a culture greater than ours, such as China?

Michael asks:

Jocelyn, I think its great you were brave and went ahead and appeased the cultural divide by participating in such a wedding [as described in the post A Big, Fat, Traditional Chinese Wedding?]. I’m sure your husband was appreciative. I would have been scared too. This type of thing always makes me wonder though about cultural traditions. Do we not have any in the U.S? Seems like we are always the ones conforming to appease a tradition that must be greater than our own? Is it because we just don’t value tradition as much?

I’m not saying its bad, I still commend you but when I read the answer and they said its not about you, it’s about the family I know a lot of girls who would of said GTH. It’s my day. hmm
Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Too Many Concessions for a Chinese Family?”

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Ask the Yangxifu: Waiting to Marry a Chinese Man

waiting girl — A girl must wait three years before marrying her long-time Chinese boyfriend. Will he marry her when time is up? (photo by Vinícius Sgarbe)

Waitingbride asks:

Im 29, into a 5yrs realationship with a chinese man,whom i really love and want to be with the rest of my life,but the problem is that his parents does’nt want a non-Chinese for him,although he promise me that he will fight for me and build a family together in a right time,he asked me to wait 3 more years coz his father was passed away one year ago..and its a tradition..he told me that we will face the problem together regarding his family after that,besides he told me that he can fight for me coz he has enough savings and stable job and he dont need there family wealth incase his mother unrecognized him,he has his own investment too,I know how much he loves me but some times i feel so depressed coz im not getting younger anymore,i want to have a baby and family,many questions comes on my mind…what if i wait then nothing happens,sometimes i feel so lonely especially if theres an occassion and he cant stay any longer coz his relatives might caught him having a relationship wd me,i realy love him and i know he loves me too and he loves also my family…i am afraid and sometimes tired and wanna give up of waiting but i realy love him.my family and friends pressuring me why we’re not planning marriage 5yrs is enough they said, everytime i heard that i pity my self,ang cried ,pls give me advice, Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Waiting to Marry a Chinese Man”

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Ask the Yangxifu: How Does China View Gay Families?

Rainbow gay pride flag — How does China view gay families?

Different Kind of Wonderful asks:

I want to start this off by saying I have sooo many questions. I am currently dating a Chinese man. Obviously, we are both gay. However, both of us want marriage and kids. Marriage is something we unfortunately can’t enjoy in both of our countries. Just like your relationship with John, I’ve found that our relationship has progressed rather quickly. I.E. – We’re already talking about marriage and kids. My question to you is:

How are “not-so-normal” families seen or reacted to in China? More particularly, the cities? Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: How Does China View Gay Families?”

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