As a foreign woman with a Chinese husband, I couldn't help but wonder why we're so rare
When I’m in China, I tend to turn a lot of heads, especially in the countryside — and that’s not just because I’m a foreigner. It’s because I’m often seen holding hands with my Chinese husband.
It’s true — the sight of a foreign woman and Chinese boyfriend or Chinese husband is much rarer than its counterpart, the foreign man and Chinese woman.
If you go to any major city in China, you will invariably run into the foreign man-Chinese woman pairings in any major tourist or shopping destination; not so with foreign women and Chinese men. It’s easy to gauge this reality on the website Candle for Love (CFL), devoted to helping US Americans bring their loved ones over from China. CFL is like a tidal wave of American men in love with Chinese women, with only a rare American woman/Chinese husband surfacing to break the monotony.
There are hardly enough books depicting foreign women with Chinese boyfriends or husbands. Off the top of my head, I can think of Rachel DeWoskin’s Foreign Babes in Beijing: Behind the Scenes of a New China
Several years ago, when my husband enrolled in a New Oriental class in Shanghai for GRE prep, the instructor warned all of the Chinese men: “If you’re going to study abroad, prepare for four lonely years.” The underlying message was, don’t expect to fall in love — but be pleasantly surprised if it happens.
When you have a Chinese husband or boyfriend, sometimes you feel as if you belong to a lonely club. I’m not the only one. One of my dearest e-mail friends, a woman from Germany, once found me on the net because she had a — then — Chinese boyfriend and yearned to find someone to share her experience with.
So I began to wonder — why are there so few Chinese guys and foreign girls becoming couples?
Of course, some of it has its roots in the usual stereotypes — stereotypes in the Western World.
According to Sheridan Prasso’s book, The Asian Mystique: Dragon Ladies, Geisha Girls, & Our Fantasies of the Exotic Orient
If there are some admirable aspects of the portrayals of Asian women in Hollywood and on TV, it’s hard to say the same of the portrayals of Asian men. Rarely have they been depicted with traditionally masculine traits. With a few exceptions, Asian men on screen have been small, sneaky and threatening — or spineless, emasculated wimps, or incompetents who may well be technically proficient in martial arts, but impotent when faced with white man’s superior strength or firepower. Lacking machismo, they almost never get the girl.
The article Sex & the Asian Man also touches on many of Prasso’s observations, including the passionless warrior:
Even today, Asian American men complain that action heroes such as Chow Yun Fat and Jackie Chan rarely get the girl. As Leong, the author and UCLA professor put it: “Asian men can kick butt, but they can’t have a kiss.”
It gets a little more personal in blogs, such as posts titled Us Bitter, Bitter Asian Men or Sucks to be an Asian male.
Still, there’s another perspective.
I’ve had Chinese guys refuse me because they felt, as a traditional man, they could never see themselves married to a foreign girl. However, the subtext is often that foreign women are a dangerous choice — too casual, the temptress, etc — or could not accept a Chinese way of life. Generally, the pressure to split up comes from the family since, after all, in China, marriage is a family affair.
There was one Chinese boyfriend who told me, flat out, that his parents would never accept me. I don’t doubt he loved me in the beginning — but once his family knew, I suspect they made it clear that there was no future in what we had. Even my own husband was first told by his parents that he could be friends with a foreign girl, but not date her. Fortunately, their ideas changed when they met me in person!
On the other hand, there are Chinese men — and their families — who would be happy to have a foreign woman in the family. But there are other complications. For example, my good friend in Hangzhou, Xiao Yu, once told me that some Chinese men cannot overcome their feeling of inferiority — that being an American girl, a citizen of one of the most powerful countries in the world, made my presence somewhat intimidating. According to Xiao Yu, some Chinese men could never believe that such a girl would become their one and only.
And then there are the more unmentionable reasons.
A driver who took me to the Beijing Airport this summer admitted he once had a Russian girlfriend when he was a college student. But he said he was never able to satisfy her (yes, in that way), so they parted. The experience was so traumatic that he never sought another foreign girlfriend again.
On the flip side, I suspect that some foreign women might be unwilling to give Chinese men a chance because of money. Average Chinese men tend not to earn big salaries in China, unless they are, for example, bosses, high-powered execs, or an in-demand talent. And if they are to leave China to go to her country, they will face even more obstacles to earning money — language, culture, prejudices.
Still, despite the odds, sterotypes and other barriers, it does happen that Chinese men and foreign women get together. It happened for me — and a growing number of other women, including bloggers such as the Local Dialect, Lost Laowai, and Wo Ai Ni. On occasion, it even creeps into the news, like this story.
For now, though, I’m just happy to have John, my Chinese husband, in my life. Not because he’s a Chinese man, or because our relationship is “unique” or different. But because I love him.
Are you a foreign woman with a Chinese boyfriend/Chinese husband? Or are you a Chinese man dating or married to a Chinese woman? What’s your take on this? What did I miss? I’d love to hear from you!
Posts Like This One:
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- Ask the Yangxifu: How Chinese men can meet foreign women in China
- Western Wives, Chinese Husbands — Guest Interview Piece at Middle Kingdom Life
- Ask the Yangxifu: How Western Women Can Meet Chinese Men in China
- Ask the Yangxifu: How can Western women and Chinese men get along – as a couple?
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Dear Jocelyn:
What a great blog you have! I’ve enjoyed exploring it. I’m an American woman, married to a Russian man, and much of what you write about the rarity of this “foreign woman + local man” is true for my little band of sisters, clutching to a raft amidst a sea of “foreign men + local girls.” I think ours is a much bolder choice, with much more responsibility attached to it. We walk a much narrower tightrope. I’m working on a book about the funnier side of this set up, but there is a serious tome we all get a kick out of called “Wedded Strangers.” I look forward to reading more from you!
Dear Jennifer,
Thanks for the comment — I didn’t realize there was such a rarity in Russia as well. How fascinating. I like the way you put it — “a much bolder choice…We walk a much narrower tightrope.”
That’s great you’re working on a book. I look forward to reading what you have to say about it, as I can tell, from your website, that you’re a talented writer.
“chinese man has an ideal temperament, is friendly towards family, friends, and strangers alike. Known for its sound character, strong nerve, and great intelligence”
I lol’ed at this one.
To all those women who got abandoned, or whom their partner is ‘afraid’ to stand up to their families, I’m sorry. I’m sorry those guys don’t realise how special you are and that the connection you have is rare. It is things like this that partly explain why so few asian guys marry out.
Geez guys, grow a backbone!
I am also an American woman married to a Chinese man .. and living in China… however, it is even harder for me.. because.. I am African American…. yeah… I have to fight the sterotypes that we are loud, wild, and criminals… the tv protrays us in the most horrible ways… But I am lucky that my husband ignores those things.. and takes me for who I am .. not what the media says I am…. As for the pointing and stares that you got when holding hands with your husband… I too get those.. .. constantly… even after living in the same small town for more than a year… i still get it. I am also lucky that my husbands parents accept me… their only fear is that I will take him away to American and not bring him back…. to take care of them… I think your website is great.. and i will keep it linked to mine. http://www.lifebehindthewall.wordpress.com
thanks for letting everyone know.. that Chinese men can be loving, romantic and awesome lovers. (smile)
Jo´s last blog ..DNS Editing Deployed
Hi Jo,
Thanks for sharing your experience! Clearly you’ve had to overcome even more hurdles than many of us, and that’s fantastic that you’ve found a loving husband and a family that accepts you for who you are. You are truly blessed for that.
I totally agree — they can absolutely be loving, romantic and awesome lovers!
I do believe the Chinese are a little deeper, and tend not just looking at things from the surface. So while there are misconceptions but they can be easier overcome, depending how you conduct yourself, better than the West. I may be wrong, like other opinions on this.
Thanks for the comment, Timur!
Jocely, this post is becoming like its own discussion forum
I wouldn’t presume to be talking for more than me, but in my relationship, it’s also me who is concerned and careful about the money, and my girlfriend who is not overdoing it, but enjoys shopping, getting nice things, and so on. – It’s Western me and Chinese her, however… So, it’s either that my thinking is somehow Chinese, she is somehow Western – or that there may be some point(s) we are still missing when we look for the single main reason.
Not that I think that the points being raised were wrong, but “the devil is in the details,” especially in relationships: a Chinese man looking for a thrifty partner might also like a Western woman who has an entrepreneurial spirit and wants to make her own money. It would/could mean that she’d aim to contribute to their combined (financial) stability… but other factors such as the (whether perceived or real) cavalier attitude of Western women towards relationships, and family disapproval easily interfere.
To be honest, I sometimes wonder if we aren’t simply missing that women, it seems, are more open to going where their hearts and minds lead them, regardless of ethnic background, whereas men are adventurous only when it comes to the short-term…
Thanks for the comment, Gerald — as always, you bring up points many of us never considered. Your example reminds me of my husband and I. I would say I am the one who tends to be careful about money (probably also b/c I’m the one who handles the finances) — and, while my husband is no spendthrift or careless spender, he does encourage me to “lighten up” and splurge occasionally on things I wouldn’t buy (but usually, in his view, need). Sometimes, I think it’s his way of showing his love for me.
While I cannot say for sure if it’s women who follow their hearts and minds, and men who are only adventurous in the short-term, you’ve got me thinking and wondering some more. And I like that.
Dear Jocelyn I kinda found myself in some of the things you mentioned up in there. I live in slovakia & I have a chinese boyfriend who lives in London since 14 years when his parents moved there. Hes now 25 and I’m 20. We met over internet almost 2 years ago and since 1 year we’re dating ( he flies over every month and we have a great time even if its always kinda short). Right now sadly, our relationship is at the verge of break up. As you mentioned, in China everything is a ‘family affair’, relationships included. I can’t tell you if his mom would accept me or not, cause all this year he never told them about our relationship. He mentioned that his parents probably wouldn’t be pleased that hes dating an european girl and even less cause it would maybe require him to move since I’m from slovakia. I think for me this is the last relationship with an asian man. As I already dated two vietnamese guys living here in slovakia and both their parents thought their sons would be better off with an asian girl. I think apart from all the how TV portrays asian men, their own family could be the biggest obstacle which you cannot overcome.
hi Jocelyn,
it’s fun to read your blog and i like the way you put things. quite a few good points you mentioned but it still comes a bit shocking when it comes to things like ”getting family approval” stuff. i’ve never realised this would be of a problem and now it seems like a huge problem. and to be perfectly honest i think you’re adorable as you came forward, speaking up for yourself in front of your husband’s parents and making them accept you. that was very brave and it turned out that everything you did was valid. heck i couldn’t even picture myself standing in front of the parents.
appreciate your piece of work, a real enlighten-up to me and fingers’ crossed that i’ll get what i want as i’m gonna go impress my girl’s parents now:-)
Wang
@Monika, thanks for the comment! You do touch on the problem of family, on the Chinese man’s side. I think all of us experience it to a degree, but it is a tragedy when that suddenly becomes the deal breaker.
@Wang, thanks and glad you enjoy the blog! You know, I wouldn’t say I came out and “made them” accept me — but my language ability, and maybe my personality (I’m actually a pretty shy girl who likes to have harmony when I’m around others) did make a difference. Plus, I shared these photos with them, and it seemed to open up a conversation where they (well, at least my future father-in-law) got to know me. If you’re interested in how it happened, read this post.
Good luck with your girlfriend’s parents!
Hi Jocelyn,
This is Sylvia from CFL, I think this story is great! I really like the direction your blog is taking now. For me, my husband is the only Chinese guy I ever dated. We met in China, but he had just returned from the US when we met. Oh- and I’m pregnant!!! I also totally agree with the article about the de-masculization of the Asian man in the media. I’ll take it though, every day I say a prayer of thanks that my husband doesn’t watch football!
I hope you and Jun are doing well!
Sylvia
The lack of Asian-male-Western-female couples is all due to the guys: they just don’t ask western female out. Their first choice is almost always Asian women. Those that didn’t get asked by Asian men get it on with white guys instead. That’s why you see so many white guys with less attractive Asian women. The more attractive ones have been all taken by Asian men. Don’t worry about there being more WM/AF couples than AM/WF ones. THOSE HIGHER UP IN THE FOOD CHAIN ARE ALWAYS FEWER IN NUMBERS, AREN’T THEY? You have these fugly white guys who probably get rejected by their OWN women, probably get shot down by women in all 7 continents before realizing less desirable Asian mail order brides are the only ones who accept their sorry ass. But with AM/WF couple, it is usually the more intrepid and successful AM who catches the eye of the WF who usually holds all men to the WM’s standard and STILL picks the AM, and who is liberal-minded enough to marry out. So with WM/AF, it’s usually rejectee versus rejectee. But with AM/WF, it’s usually a pair of WINNERS. Don’t worry about why they are fewer in numbers. They are SUPPOSED to fewer. There are always supposed to be fewer winners than losers, always.
(Continued from last post)
And do you why white guys have to go to Asia and/or get mail order brides in the first place? Because 200,000 of Asian guys in American took their women, that’s why. Assimilated Asian men have a much easier time finding white women than 1st generation Asian men. According to http://www.thefighting44s.com/archives/2005/11/24/interracial-marriages-decrease-among-asian-americans/ , FOURTY-ONE PERCENT of them married out, and that was after a DECLINE in percentage as the article pointed out. You add another 300,000 black guys married white women, no surprise those less desirable second and third-rate white guys have no choice but to leave the country (typical white flight). It’s no doubt to me who is the real loser in this scenario.
@Sylvia, thanks for the comment! How cool you found me from CFL (that site brings back a lot of memories). While I’d like Chinese men to be portrayed as real men in the media, I am with you there on appreciating that mine doesn’t over-obsess about sports (unless it’s anything soccer-related…or NBA related. No wait, maybe my husband does obsess after all. Shoot!).
@Sun Tse, thanks for the comments. It is true that Asian men often will not ask Western women out (though I will say that some Western women simply consider Chinese men not dating material).
I’m a western woman married to a Chinese guy for the past 15 years. I met him when I came out here for work. But it’s funny, many people *assume* that he was studying or working overseas and brought me here.
My thoughts on the rarity is:
1) Racism, colonialims and the associated stereotypes as you mentioned
2) Until the past 20 or 30 years, it was rare for Western women to travel to China or HK or Taiwan on their own for work or pleasure. That’s how many of the western-men / Chinese women couples developed. That’s how I met my husband (I came to HK to work).
However, my other thought is that it isn’t all THAT rare. In my social circle there are just as many western women married to Chinese guys as vice-versa.
You wrote:
“There are hardly enough books depicting foreign women with Chinese boyfriends or husbands. Off the top of my head, I can think of Rachel DeWoskin’s Foreign Babes in Beijing: Behind the Scenes of a New China and Repeat After Me: A Novel, Nicole Mones’ Lost in Translation, and Pearl S. Buck’s East Wind: West Wind (Buck, Pearl S. Oriental Novels of Pearl S. Buck, 8th,).”
Recommended reading…
Han Sunyin’s depiction of her parent’s marriage in “The Cripppled Tree” (her mother was Belgian and her Dad was Hakka – they met in the early 20th century).
Shirley Wood’s “A Street in China” London: Joseph, 1958)- descsribing her life in Shanghai in the late 40s and 50s with her Chinese husband. They met when he was studying in No. America and they settled in China. I think she’s still alive and living in Kaifeng as a retired professor of English.
Elsie Tu and her husband, Andrew Tu, wrote a book about their love and life, “Shouting At The Mountain: A Hong Kong Story of Love and Commitment”
dear Jocelyn,
im a native chinese college student,im living in hangzhou,you konw,hangzhou is really the most beautiful city in china .
i konw my english maybe not very fine.and i just want to say hi…
it so happened that i met with ur comments on chinese social life when i was browsing the web today,my grammar is not good,
and,sincerely,i just want to say hi to you and many other foreign ladies.i back your choice of communicating with a chinese husband or friend,life is always full of chioces and surprises
again,just say hi to you and your friends,i alway dreaming of a colourful life like yours,Exotic love is so romantic.
thank u ,buybuy,time to my homework
Here in Southern California alot of Asian guys date and marry American women. Being a Chinese man orginally from HK, I personally can’t stand the old fashion racial prejudices Asian families have. Something that continues to keep us back in the world. Not quite but almost up there with foot binding. Luckily the old will die off and along with them their antiquated racist views.
Peace K2
Hi Jocelyn,
Great blog. Glad I found it. I think what you said is true. Men in Chinese culture are raised to take care of the family. Most expats make more money than local Chinese men, so it is not hard to imagine most Chinese men believe they can’t support foreign girls if they ever get married. This is a big issue for many Chinese men. I am Chinese American, so I am well aware of racial prejudice Asian American men face in the good old USA. Asian American men have few to no role models growing up here. Hollywood is horrible in portraying Asian men on the big screen. Asian men never get the leading role or play romantic roles. They usually get roles that make them look foreign, unsophisticated, unattractive etc. I think one of the reason for that is many white men in the USA lust after Asian women so their goal is to degrade Asian men as best as they can to minimize competition. For example, an Asian couple kissed last year on the show LOST on national TV. That was the first time EVER an Asian couple kissed on national TV. Can you believe that? I can assure you Asian couples kiss all the time. I know cause I been doing it since I was early teen. One of the biggest reasons I think there are less Asian men-foreign women couples is the fact that both believe the other is not interested. In Chinese tradition, parents and friends usually introduce young people for marriage. The concept of hitting on women is still relative new for many Asian men. On the other hand, foreign men growing up in the USA have no such issue because they grew up in the USA culture. Anyway, I think younger Asian American men are learning to date more western style. I am sure most men in China are learning too. My brother just got married to a white American girl this past weekend. He dated most non-Asian girls living in NYC. The only difference between him and other Asian guys is he actually goes out and ask non-Asian girls out. I also have dated number of non-Asian girls in the USA. Younger generation Asian men are dating out a lot more these days in CA. I think things are changing. With Chinese men getting more wealthier, things will change down the road.
Some Asian men just don’t fancy White women…Like physically.
It’s not their fault. Lots of people have a type that they strictly stick to, even if that is unfair, morally.
But White people marry Whites, Black people matty other Black people…So what’s the difference if Chinese guys choose to marry Chinese girls?
Race isn’t even a factor.
I have been married to my Chines husband for 3 years. It has been more difficult that I thought due to cultural differences but we are working it all out. It is very lonely for the western woman. I am the ONLY foreigner in my town of Boao on Hainan Island. That’s why I started an inn to bring English speakers into my world! You’ve got to be creative!
Hi BoaoInn,
Thanks for sharing your story. How cool that you ended up starting an inn in your town — that is very creative indeed! Best wishes to you and your husband, and I’ll be sure to look you up if I come to Hainan someday.
I’m from Russia & i’m married to a Chinese girl. We met in Dublin, Ireland, a few years ago. I was already firmly based in this country by then, she came here as a language student. We have two kids.
Before i met her, never remember myself being any interested in Asian female types. But i’ve always been open-minded as to most things. I remember, when we first started dating, i immediately noticed her innate genuine sincerity, a somehow deeper emotional side compared to what i’d been used to getting in most of my previous experiences with women. When she looked at me, into my eyes, i couldn’t get enough of that look. My wife possesses some qualities that i find indispensable, infinitely attractive to me. When we started dating, it felt like i was instantly ‘not single any more’. And i would say so to anyone asking. Now we’re married & i’m willing to permanently relocate to China. Been there on holiday a couple of times, met her parents. I’m learning Chinese. Already can speak it not too badly, just the writing thing sometimes gets me by the nerve. Coz they don’t have an alphabet there…
Thanks for the comment, mk — I always enjoy reading the stories of other cross-cultural couples.
Hey girls,
I’m a Canadian born Chinese guy and I’ve grown up witnessing all the changes in the American media portrayal of Asian guys. Unforfunately the media is owned by a powerful group who keep spinning out the same movies, TV ads, and TV series and feeding it to the rest of the world to purposely perpetuate stereotypes. That’s why you don’t see Asian guys commonly with foreign girls especially in English-speaking countries (US, Canada, UK, Ausralia = worst). The English-speaking media use their power to make Asian guys subconsciously feel inferior.
A lot of white guys have a sick lust after Asian girls. That’s why in every Asian club, you always see the one or two lone white guys who pretend they’re interested in Asian culture and then go home and jack off to Asian porn. In every Asian church, every Asian club, I’ve always encountered some white guys but almost never any white girls. Don’t tell me only the males are interested in foreign cultures cuz I don’t believe a bit of that.
But having said that, I loved European girls and even French girls in Quebec (part of Canada) because they are a lot more open to dating Asian guys, and they aren’t as brainwashed by Hollywood. I am a pretty good-looking and chill guy, and had no problems dating European girls but get scowls from Canadian girls sometimes.
Hi Eddie,
Thanks for the comment — I read parts of it to my husband (notably your 2nd paragraph) and he just loved it.
I totally agree with you on the media, it truly makes a difference in how people view groups, such as Asian men and Chinese men.
You touch on the topic of western media or Hollywood portrayal of Asian male, but what about how western media portray caucasian girls or the western culture. Popular American films and TV such “Friends” or “Sex in the City” often portray caucasian girls as been very causal in their sex life and will often have various sexual partners at the same time. And in many show the female characters don’t seem to have a problem with it and often enjoy their sexual freedom. Portrayal like this don’t really shine a good light on western female when people from other country are viewing them through these popular media. To American this portray may represent a strong and independent modern female who has the power and freedom to do as they please. But to other cultures they are seen as loose and easy and don’t take relationship seriously which is why many Chinese men or their parents don’t want them to get a foreign girlfriend. If you watch Asian dramas or films the main female lead are often portray as having very little sexual experiences or any at all and the ones who sleeps around are portray as the bad girl or gold digger who is trying to steal the main lead’s husband.
You are very right Dan. Many of my Chinese friends dont want to date White girls, they only want Asian girls. This is the main reason!
Hello, I was googling “Chinese man foreign woman” and this post was between the first 3, my boyfriend and I met about 2 years ago on QQ, i guess you know what it is XD
I went to China for 2 months last May and June and we had the most wonderful 2 months of our lives together. I am trying to think of how to bring him to Portugal, but why is it so hard? Do we really need interviews, people going trough our stuff ? is this true?
We should be stopped or stared because we love a guy from another country… we are all the same! fine do Asians are hotter… ahaha jk
This is an interesting article. I agree with the media stereotypes part. It seeks to convince Asian men that white women aren’t attracted to them. You know, a lot of Asians have a different kind of self-esteem than non-Asians. The following holds true from -some- Asian families, not all, and maybe not even the majority.
Once again, the majority of Asian families MAY NOT BE LIKE THIS! But I know mine kind of was.
One or both parents can be very light on encouragement and praise, and very heavy on criticism and pressure. In some of the most hardcore Asian families, children have to “prove” themselves to their parents in certain respects, whereas in Western families, the love, praise, and affection may, more often, be unconditional.
I’m Korean, which traditionally shares a lot of culture with China, and my father has been very aloof, distant, and always critical. My mother is very warm, loving, but also critical in a very gentle way. So sometimes, for Asian guys to have the same kind of self-esteem a Western guy might have, it takes a lot of concerted effort on the Asian guy’s part. Now add to that a societal backdrop which subtly tells Asian guys they’re kind of second-class, and it just end up being a big test.
Despite this, lots of Asian guys wind up being confident in their later years. It just takes a longer time, when all that hard work and toil in school comes into fruition and translates into status.
It helps that I’m a tall, intelligent, well-spoken, and good-looking guy by any standard. I would imagine it would have taken several more years to achieve my current level of self-confidence (I’m in my mid 20s) if I were more of an average person. The upbringing takes its toll.
I plan on giving my children endless praise, support, and affection, although I may needle them in the loving way my mother did to me.
@Dan, thanks for the comment. Great point on the issue of Hollywood/media. And as Slipknot points out (thanks, Slipknot) it’s understandable that Chinese are weary of Western women.
@Kan, thanks for sharing some insight into Asian families. Sounds like your upbringing took a toll, but I’m glad you grew up into a confident man after all. That’s encouraging.
To mk:
The Russians and the Chinese are a lot closer. We look deeper inside the soul of a person and value that what is beyond the short term physical pleasure on the surface.
Hi Jocelyn, youre blog is so interesting..im a single european female & unfortunately its extremely difficult to meet single asian men.. i reside in the UK and most asian single meeting sites that advertise for dating, have western men looking for asian women. Ive searched on the internet for asian social clubs for western women but sadly find it impossible..its a pity that society makes it so easy for western men seeking asian women but almost impossible for western females to meet asian men…
Dear Jocelyn, you’ve done a good job. This website is so great. I am a Chinese male in Guangzhou.
Though I am a homo I do know the straight chinese men and women well. I think You have a very deep understanding of Chinese men.
Yes, I think many Chinese men do want to get dating with foreign girls but with many concerns. First is the body shapes. As average Chinese are shorter than foreigners especially white/black, it makes Chinese men uncomfortable or uncomfident if he meets a tall white/black girl. But this tradition seems to change a little as the Chinese youngsters are taller and taller(Do you agree with this observation? I always find myself frustrated within lots of tall high school students. I am 34yrs.)
Second is the way of communications. One of The reasons Why so many foreign male/Chinese girl couples is because Chinese girls speaking English to their foreign boyfriend/husband. The reverse is much rare. I find few foreigners in China can speak Chinese. But they can live and date Chinese girls just because the chinese parts provide convinience to them. It indicates that the Chinese girls with education(nowadays a common Chinese students can speak english basically) wants a white more than the white wants a Chinese girl. So the Chinese girl would show everything she can to please the white so that she can get the attraction. I don’t know whether it is polite to say this but it is the truth. Do you agree with me? However, the same may not easy to happen between w/b girl-Chinese man because both sides won’t try to please each other at the very beginning. I think most of the foreign girls expect Chinese men to speak in English when they meet no matter dating or common meeting, right? But on the Chinese side the man would be so appreciated, happy, surprised and thankful if a foreign girl speaking Chinese. However I don’t think it happens often. Certainly I just take it as an example of the different ways of communcations between wm/aw and am/ww. The very very soft and a little dependent character of Chinese girls help to establish relationship with white men. But foreign girls are more independent and insist more which is good character and which may be not an obstacle in their society, but which may be a very big obstacle in the interracial relationship especially with Chinese men at the very beginning.
I say ‘at the very beginning’ because Chinese men in fact appreciate such an independent character but they would just appreicate it LATER when they get deeper contact with you. At the very beginning they hope that the girls act soft, not that independent, don’t insist so much, a little fragile. But when you two proceed to the next process, like setting the love relationship, deep in love or getting married, he will respect you very much. However I don’t think many foreign girls know this fact cause it is very subtle. Some many insist their ways, some may just dislike the chinese ways.
Jocelyn, you have also written about other issues like finace\citizenship…. Real good words!
It’s very late now. My writing is a little 乱. I hope I can give everyone tips of how to find and date a good Chinese male in next post.
Wong you are half WRONG. Chinese men in the South such as (ShangHi, Cantoon, and Fujian are short like 5.7 or 5.8) But Chinese men in the North especially North East like( LiaNing, Dalian) are TALL like 6.1, 6.3.
MM, you are not looking in the right place. Why dont you go to Asian club and bar to meet them, I am sure there are loads of them. lol
@Slipknot
Glad to read your comments. Yes you are right partly. Historically the northern Chinese men are taller than the southern. But there are some facts you should not ignore. One, northern Chinese men are taller but just a bit taller than the south. It’s not as apparent as the height difference between Chinese and w/b. Besides, northern urban men like ppl of BeiJing, TianJin, Dalian, Harbin, Jinlin, TsingTao are taller and probably the tallest Chinese by average, but suburban men are not taller than the south. For example some misunderstanding exists that inner-mongolian men are taller than the south but actually they are not. Second, more important: as the improving living standard, the height difference between the north and south is gradually disappearing although it exists to some extend especially in older generation. You can just stand on a street and observe those young southern high school students, you’ll find that they are no shorter than the same north. Another good way to observe is to attend to a lecture in a class of a good and big university. Generally that kind of class consists of students from all over the countries. You’ll find no apparent height difference between the young north and south. Besides, the southern provinces like Guangdong, Shanghai or Fujian are much more national than most of the northern provinces, i.e. they contains more ppl from all over the countries. So in Southern provinces northern and southern ppl are mixed together. This trend has been lasting for 30 years and still no stop. But this is less occuring in northern China especially in north-eastern 3 provinces. For example, how many north-eastern ppl move to live and work in Guangdong, while how many Cantonese move to north-eastern to live and work? The fact is very apparent. Much much much more north-eastern ppl moving to guangdong than the opposite. While they stay in Guangdong for say 10 or 20 years, many of them especially their younger generations will become Cantonese to some extend. This also leverage the height difference between the north and south.
And, for foreign girls who want to find and date a good chinese man, I don’t suggest them going to clubs or parties. It may be good in western countries and in some Asian countries. But it’s not in China.
The best places to find good Chinese men are:
1.Play court: gym room, badminton, tennis, basketball… Find the hot bodies and minds there.
2.University: the real campuses and the BBS network. Single, young, well-educated and healthy students and teahcers waiting for you.
3.Company: Take a Mr.Right at work! This is the most rational way. A man working is the most reliable element of the society.
On the contrary, clubs and parties are still not the mainstream in Chinese society. Only a very small percentage Chinese would go clubs or parties that you have much lower probability to get a Mr.right.
I make a small mistake in the previous post. “I don’t suggest them going to clubs or parties” should be corrected as “I don’t suggest them going to clubs or bars”. Please replace all the “parties” by “bars” in that post. Forgive my English.
Yes I do suggest you take a chance in parties because parties always have topics.
But still, clubs and bars are no place to get a good chinese man especially if they are filled with men drinking, smoking, shouting and crying. Leave the bars and go to a gym rooms as soon as you can.
I live in GZ too. I’m a foreign lady. I speak Chinese.
Doesn’t seem to help my case. Men still seem to be intimated by me. I work in a large company where it’s more men than women…. yet…
I think most guys just can’t ever see “taking me home to mom” Never even consider me as wife potential. I go on dates, I play the “part” I’m this delightful mix of western and Chinese, and yet, serious relationships tend to allude me.
So I’ve guiltily fallen back into my bad habits of going on dates just for those guys who want “learn English” or “impress people by hanging out with me” Seems like that’s all I’m good for these days.
Its great to read your comments, i must admit i dont like clubs that much, just thought it was perhaps a great way to meet a nice asian man. Being in my late 30′s, friends also suggested ‘parties’ but its definetely nicer to meet a male in a different environment & not have drunk people all around yelling & shouting, …itd be wonderful to learn the language and share the culture with an asian man… its very interesting reading all your comments
@Wong..very interesting reading, thankyou
@MM
As I’ve said that I am a homo, I always stand by and see the straigt men and women calmly as the thrid party.
Jocelyn provides a very good suggestion in one post. That is getting to know and dating with a Chinese (no matter man or girl) via the help of a Chinese friend(How to call this kind of intermeidiate person in English?). In ancient China ppl got to marry each other not by their own wil but by the arrangement of their parents. How could the parents find the Mr.right or Miss.right? By the intermediate person. In those old days this was a formal job and that person risked her reputation if she introduced a bad marriage. Certainly in modern China marriage become more based on the individual will. But still many of the contact between boys and girls are relied on the introduction of the intermediate person. This is why those companies who introducces dating or marriage partners have market in China. But I don’t suggest you going to those companies because the their qualification are not uniform and it’s NOT free. If you have any Chinese friend, you can ask her to help you. I say ‘her’ because Chinese girls likes to help girls finding Mr.right and Chinese boys likes to help boys finding Miss.right(also a Chinese tradition). It’s not a bad thing but very very normal thing(even a good thing) asking friends to introduce a lover in China. Last week one of my badminton partner(a man), arranged a scenario which helps him dating a girl he loves. The girl is the classmates of his friend’s younger sister. So he asked his friend, his friend’s younger sister and younger brother, his friend’s brother in law, and THAT girl to play badminton together. Those ppl had done lots of work before so that the prince and princess could be together. A foreigner may lol at such a story. But it does happen everyday in China. It’s one of the very normal way of communications. I got to know my homo friend also by the introduction of an intermediate friend. China actually retains so many old traditions though some becomes implicit.
Straight Chinese men are like volcano. They always hide their lust and seldom reveal it.In Chinese we call it ‘闷骚’. I don’t think it’s a good character. But as I have the same character, I am not the right perosn to criticize them. LOL. Remember the number of males are 40 millions more than females. A man may have a success rate of 30%, but girls(no matter chinese or foreign), you may have 90% (just some casual guessing).
@White Orchid
Glad that you are in Guangzhou too.
In my eyes I dislike those guys who treat their white partners as BMW as if yelling to ppl ‘how capable I am that I got a white partner’. The Chinese girls also have the same problem. This is a very complicated psychological phenomena caused by some bad and wrong education in China. But it’s out of the scope here. Anyway the most important is that he does love her.
From your post we can know that you actually date with Chinese men but without their clear and serious promise. I think there may be many reasons. First might be the age. If your chinese partner is too young, say under 28, he may just want to play around at this age without the activation of marriage. Chinese ppl used to get married at a very early age like 15 or 16. But it has changed a lot nowadays especially in big cities and well-educated ppl. Second may be the finance. In China a house or an apartment is always considered as an indispensable element of a man by every one involving of marriage. This has postponed many men’s marriage ages.
But still the love and marriage issues depend very much on the individuals instead of the ethic groups. Did you ask him about going to see his parents?
Trust me, the Nothern Chinese especially the younger ones are at least 6.2.
Also, the North Eastern Chinese men have good fation and they are much more open minded to date White girls than Southern Chinese.
Southern Chinese are very stuck up and much more traditional than the Norther ones. Just visit and take a look yourself!
What an interesting blog! I was looking for an old short story I read years ago and came across this blog. I can’t remember the name of the story but it was about a chinese guy in British Columbia, Canada if I’m not mistaken and he marries two women; one a wild white woman, lol and the other a chinese woman. He hates the cooking of the first but loves it of the other. But he still feels the white woman is the better match. I wish I could find this story again.
As for me I am married to a Malaysian (malay) and formerly married to a Vietnamese. There was a guy before that though childhood crush who was Chinese… I even studied Chinese for him for 3 yrs but maybe he never realized that. His sister once remarked to me that chinese never let their blood get mixed. Was so depressing for me.
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I am Italian married to a Chinese guy for the last 6 years and been together for 12 years!! and we have a 2 1/2 years old boy. We live in the Uk and I see more and more WFAM around. Lots asian male here are financially ok so I guess this has been helping also in the dating scene. In Italy is an other story. Most of the chinese people work in restaurants or clothes industries and you get to know them only from the bad press so when I say my husband is Chinese I can see the wrinkles in people faces. I agree with the others that the media takes a huge part of shaping people opinion, immagination. Also socio-ecnomic factor play a role here, there are more white guys then white women going oversea to work in high power position.
I remember I read an article that said wester women would rather date a Japanese man then Chinese because Japan’s economy is better therefore the man is better educated, dress better and so on…
Hi there,
greetings from Qingdao. It’s the first time I’m in China (I’m from Germany) and after about three weeks I got curious on just how shy Chinese men are in fact. This is how I found your page.
You know… I kinda grew up with a half-Taiwanese girl, we were like always together (we’re still very good friends) and this is why I was taught a lot of Asian thinking by her mother, who is Chinese by birth but moved to Taiwan at young age. I’ve already been told several times by different Chinese people that I’m more like a highly educated, traditional Chinese girl than the typical European girl.
Sadly I don’t speak any Chinese.
Even though… I don’t know how many times Chinese man already tried to hit on me during the short time I’m here. My colleagues take me to different restaurants, clubs, festival ect. where I meet a lot of their friends and we always have a lot of fun, even though many of them don’t understand English and I don’t understand Chinese. And it happened more than once after evenings like that, that a Chinese guy wanted to take me somewhere else, some even tried to kiss me and I always had to ask my colleagues to… well let’s say: protect me……
Don’t get me wrong! I’m single and in Germany during the last year only one guy tried to make a move on me! And in China during three weeks it’s at least five! And no- I’m not cute and tiny, I don’t have long blond hair, and I’m not what one would call slim… more like a rather female body.
The Chinese guys I’ve met so far in Europe were all a little shy, just like most people here described it. But being in China my impression is completey different.
After reading the posts here I’m completely confused. Just what is wrong? Well, of course I’m flattered on one hand that I could have had so many chances to find a guy (I don’t care much about, if he’s Asian, European, American etc.), but on the other hand… it’s a little scary.
@Aishah, thanks for sharing the story — very intriguing. If you find it, please do share the link with us. That’s too bad you had that sad experience with a Chinese, but I’m glad that, in the end, you found your love. (interesting blog, too!)
@Gipsy75, thanks for stopping by! That’s so great you’re seeing more and more couples like us. I haven’t read much about Japanese, but I could certainly understand the reasoning for what you mention.
@Alex, thanks for the comment. Sounds like you’ve had quite an experience since coming to China! I think the fact that they’ve tried to move so fast on you suggests that some of them may believe that you, as a foreign woman, are “easy” (in the bedroom sense). I would definitely be very careful with any Chinese man who seems in a hurry to get physical (see my post on dishonest Chinese men for some insight).
Jocelyn, maybe they just try to get to know her. I said before that Chinese men from North and especially North East are very aggressive unlike their Southern Chiense counter part. They are not shy at all, usually asserative.
Northh Easter Chiense men are just like ShangHi women when it comes to exotic Foreign women, they are aggressive. lol
This is true.
Hello Jocelyn and Slipknot
I know it’s been a long time, but I guess it was hard to announce the wedding is off between me and my Wanju Xiong. I’m finally back on track with my life and I’ll be relocating next year. Still love Asian men best so I’m on the prowl again, though it’s not easy to find available men in my age range, less so out in the Eastern U.S.
You know I always go to bat for you Slipknot, (hug!), but I have to say my experiences were different than yours… My Wanju was originally from Southern China, and I was courted for a short time by a Northern Chinese gent. My Wanju was extremely assertive, and not shy about anything, whereas my Northern date was so reticent getting him to tell me *anything* about himself or his wishes was like pulling teeth trough the ear canals. The only thing I found to be consistently ‘regional’ was that Northern Chinese tend to be taller and have a subtle diet that commonly includes a few critters not found in American menus. The further South I went, the shorter the overall population became, and the *spicier* the food was! Number one on my ‘bucket list’ is to travel The Pacific Rim and Mainland China on a “gastronomic” tour…Meaning, I am traveling to taste test the local cuisines. Husband requirement number one… He *MUST* be a great cook and take turns with me in the kitchen! (Smiling Brightly!)
Well, all that said, it’s good to be back and to see familiar names. I wish all of you all of the love and good fortune you need. Talk at you soon.
Dear Phoenix,
I’m so sorry to hear the wedding is off, so I can completely understand your reticence. It’s never easy to break news like that, but I’m glad to hear you’re still courageously moving forward.
Thanks for sharing your experience with the men, and reminding us that there are exceptions to every rule or generalization.
I wish you the best, and especially wish you will find your dream man soon.